Thanks for posting that WOF5... your post speaks to me too.

Cat - one day at a time, OK? We'll all be OK.

JinGA

cat ... if you're reading, can you post and let us know how you're doing?

WOF5's story is so inspiring.

You WILL be okay.

Hi,

Thanks all for your concern and kind words. I was so emotionally drained today. It took everything I had to get out of bed. If it weren't for DS, I probably wouldn't have.

WOF5,

I truly apprecite your posts. They give me hope. I still feel like I need revenge. Hopefully that will pass. I just feel like he got what he wanted, OW, and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life. It's hard not to think like that no matter what everyone says.

Ex called tonight to talk to the kids. When he said hello, he sounded so cheerful, like when we used to talk way back when. I thought, did he sound so cheerful because he was happy to hear my voice, or was he happy that the D was over and he's legally with OW now? I have to realize that we are D'd, it's over, yet my heart still flutters when I hear his voice like that. A simple hello. So sick, isn't it?!

He's been out the house over a year now, it's like we were D'd, but I still had that glimmer of hope. Now that it is officially over, I still don't feel any different. I thought I would feel closure and feel as if I could then move on. I still feel as if he's just away from the house and we are seperated. When will the D sink in?!

I had Scotch today. I NEVER drink scotch. Really don't drink much at all, except at parties or occasions I'll have a beer or 2. I thought it would numb my pain. AD's are doing nothing. Xanax is useless. I'm just trying to get through the day. Bad choices I know.

I'm just SO jealous of Ex right now. As I said, he got what he wanted and I didn't. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but that's how I feel.

Cat

The best revenge is a life well lived. He will get his in the end. One of the cheaters will dump the other, because their relationship has been built over the bodies of others.

You will need to start a new life - one that you did not sign up for, or want, but one that can be wonderful. I was in your position several years ago, and my life is better than ever. And I have very little money. Make up your mind that you can do this.

Cat,

Please don't turn to booze. I think that you are smart enough to know that people become addicted by doing exactly what you are doing. That can only lead to more nightmares. Besides, your x would not be attracted to a falling down drunk. If you want to attract him back, you need to stay sober and on top of the world in his eyes. Come here before you turn to Scotch.

I'm surviving my current heartbreak my making a deal with myself. On Dday, 6 months ago, I wanted to die. During times like that, I guess everyone considers the Tylenol bottle. I was crying 7 days a week, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I made a deal with myself, that if I was still crying 7 days a week in six months, I'd end it. Guess what happened? The next week I cried 6 days, the following week 5, the few weeks after that 4 and so on. It's been 6 months and I don't cry as much. I have the occasional breakdown, but now I don't have to kill myself. Whew....

I know it sounds silly, but it got me through. I'm now working on trying to save my marriage instead of crying about it. I'm sure I'll feel like you do if I end up with D, but for now I'm moving forward with my semi Plan B. I had a session with Jennifer tonight, and I need to write one more letter before I continue with my Plan B.

Take care....

You are right. Alcohol/drugs are not the answer. But I just have the attitude now of why bother? I cry all day. Don't sleep. My Dr. won't order any stronger AD's for me, so I just take 2. He doesnt know that though. They don't do anything anyway. My counselor is on vacation until next week.

Yes, I have my kids to look after, but as for me, I tried so hard to show him I had changed. I tried so hard to make him believe that. Then I went to plan B and ignored him. I tried so hard and prayed so hard for him to see what he was missing, but he didn't see. He liked plan B and not having to deal with me. I asked him a few times if he wanted the D after all. He said he hasn't had any conflict in over a year...aka me nagging etc. and he liked it. I guess OW is making him happy. What more could I have done? Yeah, I feel like a failure. Why bother?

I was talking about him to an aquaintance today and couldn't get myself to call him my ex husband. I kept calling him my husband and this person had to tell him me he wasn't my husband anymore. Why can't I just accept that and move on?

I'm such an a$$!

Give yourself some time to adjust, Cat. It's not easy. It's a huge change. It's normal to feel all that you are feeling.

However it's not good to hold on to all that negative energy. It will eat you up inside. I know because I've lived it, and in some ways I'm still living it but I'm learning how to let it go and get right with myself, my kids and God.

Living well *is* the best revenge. I know it's hard right now - believe me I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out - and I still have days like that now and then, but for the most part I'm doing what I can to just be myself, be content with myself, do things for my kids and myself, and each time I push myself a little bit more to go through the motions, it gets a little bit easier, and feels a little bit better.

He'll get his own back - they all do. I got my own back for stupid choices I made... but I made changes, made repairs and I think I'm finally on the right track. I still see my XH making what I consider to be less than ideal choices... but that's on HIM. At least he can't blame me anymore *g*! (Not that his choices were ever my fault to begin with - he just told me they were my fault!).

Hang in there - post often, reach out for support. We're here. You're going to get through this and the days ahead will get better. You're just in a crappy place at this moment in time.

The worst really *is* over. Nowhere to go from here but UP!

In loving support,
JinGA

My IC told me that too. I've been at the bottom, not much lower I can go. Yeah there is, if Ex gets M amd has more kids. I always wanted more, and he said he was done. Well OW is 17 yrs. younger with no kids, so she might want them and he might agree. *THAT* would put me over the edge...M and kids for him. I know that.

I guess I am just feeling rejected. He wanted her over me. Not a good feeling.

And I guess I am just SO tired of having to pretend eveything is good. I don't want my kids to see me cry or whatever, so I put on a happy face and try to act as if I'm O.K. with it all. Even around Ex I pretend that I'm happy with the D, that I am strong and can move on. What do they say, fake it till ya make it? I've been doing that so long that it is getting exhausting.

I just want to be the real me and tell everyone how I feel including Ex, but I guess I don't want him to get that satisfaction, seeing me suffer. I do have a friend that I talk to and she listens. She's single though, so can't really identify. Relatives think I should just be happy he's out of my life and move on, so I can't talk to them.

I just want to feel happy again and not have to pretend to be. I've pretended for so long now. I'm not even sure who the real me is!

Cat, you need to grieve. Grief is normal. Stop beating yourself up, and be gentle to yourself as you go through the grieving process.

Vent here - we understand. I understand - I've been through a divorce. One I filed for, but not one that I wanted. I wanted everything to work out - he didn't. I can't change that. It sucks - but I have to accept it. And life does go on. God has a plan for you - and it may be something better than you can even imagine. Still at this point none of that matters because you are in pain. Allow yourself to feel the pain, to cope with it, to grieve your loss, and when you are ready, to move on.

Everything you are going through is absolutely normal.

JinGA

Catgirl,
I know I did not post to you much, but I followed your sitch. I am so sorry for your pain, but as many have said, it is a process. Let is happen, and do the best you can.

I thought the same things you do, about WH having kids with OW, and it did hurt tremendously. I'm sure that, if you live a great life, for yourself, and learn to truly detach from this man, you will have a wonderful life without him, and will no longer fear these things.

(((catgirl)))

Like WOF5 said, I have to let it go. I have to get this revenge thing out of me. It is so hard. He has hurt me so much, ruined the life I thought I would have, hurt my kids, ruined me financiallly. It is so hard.

I was thinking, do you know what would make me happy right now? To casually mantion to Ex that I have a date, or I'm seeing someone (I'm not), but let him think that I didn't shrivel up and die from this whole mess. But I'm sure at this point he could care less.

How childish, I know!!!!

Right church, wrong pew. Making him jealous by playing mind games won't get you anywhere. Living *well* will give *you* the peace you seek.

It's not about him anymore. It's about you. Your life, your family. He's chosen not to be a part of that anymore. You need to take the lemons you were dealt and make lemonade.

You're not ready to date - and making up a lie to say you are is only going to make you feel miserable.

There are plenty of other things you can do to move on without involving another man (trust me on this - I did it the *wrong* way - the HARD way). Spend some quality time with yourself. Take up a new hobby - that's what I've done. Meet people - not "men" - just people in general. Involve yourself with things you enjoy.

Before you met your husband, was there anything you liked to do, that sort of fell by the wayside once you became half of a couple? If so, get back into it. Too often we lose our selves in couplehood and leave behind things that we did that we were happy about. I'm learning now that it's important to keep up with those things. If you didn't have something then - find something now.

For me it's geocaching. I take my kids, sometimes I go myself. I've met people, it gets me outside, gives me exercise, a "purpose". I was out at 6:20 this morning finding a new hide with my son <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Imagine a teenager willingly getting up at 5:30 AM during summer break? He's into it as much as I am. DD not so much but she comes too.

That's just an example - I'm not trying to create another geocaching addict... LOL but I'm sure you understand what I'm saying. Do things for *you*. Take long baths if that's what you enjoy. Exercise. Eat well. Get enough rest. I know those may seem like difficult tasks right now , but I'm going to ask you to do something - *anything* just for YOU today - and tell me later what you did. Just one thing that gives you a moment of peace and contentment. It's there inside you - even if it's a distraction from all the stuff going on inside your head. Distractions can be good - your mind and heart need a break from all the stress and turmoil.

Don't mention stuff to your ex. Don't do it for him, or to make him jealous or whatever. Do it for *you*. If he notices - that's fine - but don't expect him to.

You might find that if you led him to believe you were with somebody else, it would blow up and have the opposite effect of what you're hoping for right now. Let it be. Let it go. I know it's hard... I still struggle myself... but push yourself that bit, and reward yourself with something nice that you like to do, and it will get a bit better.

I'll be waiting to hear what you did for yourself *today*.

We'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Yeah Jin you are right. What does it matter now anyway? He chose her, not me. I have got to accept that fact. Easier said than done.

I am just ashamed to say I am D'd. Today I had to go change my insurance. I had to tell the clerk I was D'd. I felt funny, like people look at you like Oh, you poor thing, or Oh, I wonder what happened. Yeah I know D is no big deal anymore, but to me it is. My parents were married for many, many years. I was brought up to believe that M was forever. I feel like I now have to justify being D'd, by saying that I got D'd because he cheated on me. I know it's none of people's business, but I am just ashamed at what people think. Like, was it my fault or his? etc.

I know, why should I care what others think. I'm working on this in IC, but the fact is that I do. I don't like people to think poorly of me and me saying I'm D'd shows them I failed in my marriage somehow. I'm having a hard time with that.

Catgirl, I understand - I'm in the same boat. Never thought I'd ever D - but here I am and I was just as ashamed. You shouldn't be - but I understand because I have felt the same way. The acuteness of that will pass, especially once you get all the paperwork over with.

So.... what did you do for YOU yesterday?

And... what will you do for you today?

JinGA

Jin,

I guess it is slowly sinking in with the changing over of policies etc. that it's over.

As I said in my earlier posts, he's been gone for over a year, so it's like we were D'd anyway, but I still had hope.

Now that the D is final, I know that hope is gone. It just occured to me today that I will NEVER kiss, hug, sleep with him again. That hurts me so bad. I cry everytime I think of that. Part of me asks why I would want to anyway, after all the he** he has put me through, but the other part so badly wants that again. I loved him so much!

Yeah the D is like a mourning period, the death of my M. I think it would have been easier if he had died. Then I would have closure.

Silly me. I still feel like there is a chance with him someday. I just hope I don't waste my life pining for him. I can't stop thinking of him and what could have been. Too bad he doesn't feel the same way about me.

Goodness, when will I realize the reality of it all? I think *I* am the one living in fantasyland and he and OW are living in reality!

I know everyone is telling me what to do, take time for me etc. I know I need to do that, but I guess I'm just not ready or I don't want to or I'm not even sure anymore.

I did go out and have coffee today, by myself. Big deal, I've done that other times before. I didn't feel that great doing it.

Today I am busy changing bills, policies etc. over to only my name. That's when it hits me that this is it. I'm done with him for good.

When will this pain end?!

catgirl-

The pain does end. you are grieving a huge loss. I know. And I said the same thing to my IC about it being easier if my then WH had died because it would be over.

You are on the road to healing. One day you will realize that you are content. It won't be a huge, dramatic moment, but you will know. In the meantime, keep doing things for yourself. Journal. Post here. Take a class or join a group to do something you like or have always wanted to do. I've joined a hiking group at my church. Also, I wouldn't keep assuming that he isn't thinking about you the same way. You have no idea what he is carrying around. I'm sure that he has tons of guilt and shame that he is trying to stuff down. That's why WS's get so nasty with us. They lash out because they know that what they've done is wrong, and they want to blame someone. To accept the blame is to say that they know what they did was wrong.

Here's a verse that has really helped me.

"I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord God Almighty 'plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jer 29:11.

I love that God Almighty declares this for us. It's not just a statement, it's a royal decree. God didn't will for this to happen-God still lets us have our free will and we can walk away from His will any time-like your XH and mine did (mine was a pastor). Yet, because He is God, He knew it would happen so He already has a plan for you.

It will take time. Another thing that helped me when I was where you are in my journey through the pain came from a book by Billy and Ruth Graham's daughter Ruth. The book is titled "In every pew sits a broken heart." It's from the chapter on learning to be still during times of uncertainty.

"Remember, you do not know what God has planned for your future. You have no idea what this plan requires in the way of preparation. God never takes on anything before it has been prepared, and our destinies depend not only on the work God wants to do in us personally but also on the coming together of people, events, and opportunities."

I would recommend you check to see if there are any Divorce Care support groups in your area. You can find out on their website. Just type Divorce Care in google and the page lets you type in your zip code. I live in a smallish town and there were 4 groups nearby. There were people in my group who were coming after being divorced for some time. There were people there who had divorced their destructive, addicted, betraying spouses, and those who had been divorced by their spouses. It doesn't matter.

The leaders of the group are often divorced people themselves who understand how we feel and who are further along the journey and able to reach out to those of us in the middle of it all.

I hope this helps somewhat.

Cat, I'm glad you went for coffee. It's a small thing, but it's something. Do something for yourself today too - only this time do something that is comforting to you. What do you like to do on your own that makes you content? Curl up with a good book, watch something on TV, go window shopping - whatever little thing you can do as a bit of pampering to yourself and a distraction. It will help.

And yes, while the divorce is final and all that - there is nothing written anywhere that says you can't reconcile with him down the road... HOWEVER do not get stuck in that mindset. I've been in that mindset, and I'm working to claw my way out of it even now. I'm not telling you this to get you setting your sights on anything - just know that anything is possible. Maybe he'll wake up and get a clue one day - maybe he won't. But like Johnstwin reminded us - God has a plan for all of us. Maybe it won't be with your XH but make a good life for *yourself* and your kids, and there will be something promising in your future.

I'm learning - slowly, that we need to be OK on our own - happy in our own skin *FIRST* - before we can be a good partner to anyone. I think too many of us lose sight of that when we marry. I know I did, and I know a lot of other people who have too. Once we find ourselves alone again, it's time to reconnect with ourselves, build ourselves up, get ready for whatever it is that God has in store for us. You want to be ready for that, right? Whatever it may be?

I know it all looks like an ending - but try *try* to think of it as a new beginning for you. Try to turn the negative stuff into positive - glass half full - you know what I mean. You have the rest of your life to make of it what you will. And yes, you need to grieve, take time to just be, and process it all, but you need to take care of yourself and your kids during that time.

It will be OK. It will be. Wish I could give you a hug because I know exactly what you're feeling - I've walked in those shoes too. And even now there are good days and there are bad days - days when I wish he'd just wake up and realize what is right in front of him - his family, his wife, his HOME... all of those things - but if he doesn't choose to see that, and he chooses something else, that's not something I can control. So I have to make the best of my life - my kids, my home. I have to keep it all going for me, for the kids.

Each day it's a little easier, and I've had some amazing support here - because I'm still in the midst of my journey of healing, but I'm getting there. You will too. Walk together with all of us who have been on this same road - draw on our strength when you need to.

It will get better.

Let me know what you've done for yourself *today*.

In loving support
JinGA

I do think of reconcilliation. I honestly doubt Ex would ever consider it though. He has too much pride to ever come back and admit he messed up. He always had a very hard time admitting he was wrong about anything!

I was always very contolling, so to know that I can't control what he does with his life...waking up and seeing all he did etc, is hard for me.

I know I can only control me, but I still want to be able to control him in the way of seeing all the destruction he has done to me and the kids.

I know this is going to sound reallly selfish, but if God has a plan for me, why couldn't it have been the plan that I wanted, my WH back! I honestly can't comprehand that God has a better plan in store. I would have been very happy had WH come back. I wouldn't have needed a better plan. Does that make sense?

You are right. As Mimi would say don't assume anything. I don't know how Ex feels about me or what he is thinking. But the way he talks and acts around me, he's definitely moved on with OW and appears happy.

All of this that you are going through is perfectly normal. Most of us had to face the same thing. But I promise you that life does go on, and things do get better. Someday you will look back and not even remember how much this hurt.

I pray everyday that it gets easier, but I wake up everyday with that same sick feeling in my gut.

Now I'm having panic attacks. Ex will be taking kids for visitation. The first time since the D was final. All other visitations were whenever, however long etc. Now it's the required hours, times etc. I am PETRIFIED he will be taking the kids to his house. OW will be there as she lives there. I pretty much know he will, as he can't keep these kids entertained for all the hours that the court ordered visitation. He has a pool so it will keep them occupied.

I had orders before the D that prohibited OW from being around the kids. Once the D, those orders don't stick anymore. Ex is anxious to bring the kids around her. Already said to DD that she should "give her a chance"

How do I handle these emotions? That sick feeling just gets worse.