Firstly - the 'prescribed visitation' is just that - in the event that neither of you co-operate it protects your XH's rights. I have a similar "schedule" but we rarely stick to it - he can have them more, he can have them less - we go with the flow. I also never force the kids to go if they don't want to (mine are 13 & 15). I wouldn't sweat the "hours" per se. If *he* wants more time with his kids - as long as it doesn't conflict with your plans and what the kids want - LET HIM. Spending time with his kids is a good thing - and be glad he's wanting to do that much.

As for OW - well you can't do much - they are going to meet her. Let them form their own opinion of her - AND THEY WILL.

Mine were always respectful to XH's GF - but they didn't like her much. I kept my mouth shut. They liked the man I was with for a while - but I didn't make a move until I made sure they were OK with it first ... they had absolute veto power.

I didn't realize how much my kids disliked XH's GF until she moved away - then they let it fly (with me)... they remained respectful to their father, they didn't want to hurt his feelings - but oh boy have I heard some slams now that she's gone!!!

Please don't be tempted to play one against the other using the kids. It is a *very* easy trap to fall into. Keep your opinions of OW to yourself. Don't run down XH to the kids - vent it here - we can handle it - but the kids just want to love both of their parents, and will likely go along with the OW (although they will form opinions they will likely keep them to themselves to keep the peace - OR they will act out...). Best to just keep your influence out of it - the rest will take care of itself, but be there to listen if your kids have stuff to say.

If you're having panic attacks - SEE YOUR DOCTOR. Could be some meds are in order. I'm not a doctor but I know that Valium or another benzodiazepine may be prescribed to combat panic attacks for the short term. Breathe. When you feel that tightening in your chest... breathe. Deep cleansing breath, blow it out, close your eyes for a moment and focus on something that can relax you. It takes work but you can talk yourself down out of your tree.

So what did you do for *you* yesterday???

And what will you do for you today?

Hang in there - you're doing fine.

JinGA

Took a nap today for a few minutes, that was my me time...big deal! I had such a wicked headache I had to lay down. Thank goodness the kids were out with friends.

I do have meds for my panic attacks. I used to get them a lot after there was a death in my family. Then they went away. Now they are back. When I get them I feel as if I am going to die. Not a nice feeling.

I'm now struggling with the feelings that OW got my Ex and she's gloating about it. I don't know that for a fact, but I feel as if she feels victorious. Yeah I know, she got a cheater, how great of a prize is that, but I'm sure she looks at it as... ha ah, he left me for her, and now she got him after all, as he had many chances to come back and he chose not too. Plus she's 17 yrs. younger, so that must make her feel good that she bagged him.

I know it's silly, but I think about that alot.

The depression meds should help the panic attacks. All of your thoughts are perfectly normal, and what everyone goes through.

Your husband and the OW won't be happy, and won't stay together long. So you can just sit back and watch it happen.

But meanwhile, you need to start working on a new life for YOU. I know you didn't choose it, but I promise you that one day you will look back and not even remember how painful all of this was.

Oh Believer...

That is my greatest wish, that this A would end. I guess I am a fool, but I truly think it will last and he will be in the 3% group that does. Ex is anxious to bring the kids to see her. Makes me think he is planning a future with her. Plus he is in financial trouble and I know he needs her $$ to help him with his house expenses. He can't pay me alimony and pay all his stuff at his house too, so he definitely needs her support.

And to think, I heard one of the reasons why she wanted him in the first place was because he had $$!!, and at the time he did!

Their relationship is going to fail. You need to realize that, and quit letting it bother you so much. I NEVER thought my ex and OW's affair would end. They were "soulmates", and gave up everything for each other. The affair DID last almost 4 years, but in the end, it too failed.

Only 3% of affairs lead to marriage, and 75% of those FAIL. The destruction of the affair is built into its beginning. It is built on lies and dishonorable behavior. Too many people are hurt, too much is sacrificed. Plus each of them know that when things get tough, the other one leaves.

Couple all of this with a 17 year age difference AND financial problems, and it is doomed.

So start making a good life for you. Their relationship will crash and burn. But you might find out (like me), that the end of it isn't as sweet as you imagine. When my ex and his OW broke up, I wasn't relieved. It just made me wonder what the point of all the pain was.

Believer,

You are right. My IC tells me that all the time. I have to stop obsessing about Ex. It's not healthy. I cannot control him. Me thinking, crying etc. over all of this isn't going to change anything. I know that in my head, but my heart is still telling me something else.

I have always been one to control things and I guess I think I still can. It's just so hard not to think about the A, what will or won't happen. even though we are D'd now.

I posted this before. I guess I am jealous of the OW. She got what she wanted, she got my Ex, and I didn't. She gets to sleep with him everynight. I get to sleep alone.

I do know of one couple. He left his wife and 4 kids over 27 years ago. He was having an A with his secretary and he married her. She was like 20 years younger than him. They have grown kids now. They are still together and appear quite happy. He is well off, so that may be a reason.

That situation is one in a thousand.

But give yourself a break. You are going through something that is very painful. Of course you are not going to feel GREAT right now. You do need to grieve.

But you also need to move forward with your life. It would be a shame to give up now, and waste your time being angry. It is up to you to make a good life for you and your children. While it is not what you have chosen, you can do it.

Someday your ex will realize what he has done. He and OW will break up. He will look back and regret things, like 95% of the people who divorced do.

Cat - would you *really* want your XH back *as he is now?* I think your answer would be no.

I think you want the man you married back - not the alien he he has become.

Whether the A burns out or they live "happily ever after" ... doesn't matter if he's still that alien. Statistically it's doomed - let it be. I believe that what goes around comes around - let it come around on its own.

I'm watching my XH's relationship die a very very very slow, painful death - it's hard to watch - and sometimes I just don't, but because we're still in contact nearly daily, it's right there in my face. I can't do anything about it - so I've had to accept and let things take their natural course - because they are and they will. I was surprised it has lasted as long as it has - but things I figured would happen, have happened - just more slowly than I thought they would.

I still want XH to come home - but until he makes that *choice* and he may not - I can't just sit here and let life pass me by. It's hard - to be sure, but life has to go on.

So you took a nap for you - that's a small thing but it's a good thing.

What did you do Saturday? What will you do today? You can do a bit better than what you've been doing - let me know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In loving support,
JinGA

Jin, Believer,

I just can't do this anymore. I wake up everyday feeling like it is D day. I cry all the time. Not in front of the kids, so I have to wait until they aren't around me. It's worse because than D day, because now I know it is OVER, no hope of him waking up and just coming back home.

No, I do not want him the way he is now, and honestly I'm
not sure if I ever want him back, but the really sick part is, is that I don't want anyone else to be with him either. Maybe if i had someone like he did, I would feel different. I feel as if they are both gloating, that they have each other and I am alone. I try and act all together and stuff when I have to be around him, like I'm happy with things in my life etc. It's all a lie. I'm SO tired of pretending.

He came for the kids today, in a different vehichle. I doubt if he bought another car, as his is new. I assume it's OW's. How disrespectful of him. I exchanged words, asked if it was OW's, he didn't answer. Then I called her a wh$re. He didn't like that.

I'm just so tired of all of this. I wish he were dead and then I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

I am too drained to do anything for myself. I really don't care anymore.

I see my IC this week. Who even cares about that?

You must carefully and deliberately draw on your courage, faith and grace during this time. You will be drawing on qualities of in yourself and taking those with you into tomorrow.

Of course it hurts to be left behind. It seems that your partner is living a perfectly happy life with someone else. You are doing with less, while he seems to be living on more. But you need to start from the highest place you can.

Spend some time grieving what could have been. But then you will need to make a good life for yourself and your children. I don't care how much you think this was your fault, YOU didn't cheat. YOU didn't abandon your family. Give yourself a break.

You will find someone else, although your are not ready yet. Don't let the infidels rob you of any more of your life. I promise you it does get better.

The thing is I have lost my faith.

I used to go to church regularly. Don't go anymore.

I prayed so long and so hard, for what?

No one listens.

EX doesn't go to church, doesn't pray, not even sure if he believes. Yet he got what he wanted.

Why should I bother?

Yeah I know it's in *His* time and not ours, but couldn't I at least catch a break with something?

Another thing I am having a hard time with is what people think of me. Ex's mother never really liked me anyway, now I'm sure she is thrilled beyond belief that she is rid of me from their family, and I know has already welcomed OW into her home.

That hurts me. All those years and I was discarded so easily? Guess that's what Ex did to me though huh?

I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I'm not the one who cheated, yet Ex's mother treats me like I was the one who did something wrong. But again, who knows what Ex told her? I know blood is thicker than water, but is she really that blind, that she now worships Ex?

((((Cat)))),

Hey if you need someone to talk to... I'm here. My 2 oldest are at a concert and my DS is with his dad.

Let me know and I'll give you my phone # or I could call you.

(((Hugs)))

I know I'm no expert but I am going through a similar situation.

Still

Cat, I can so relate. Please don't lose your faith in God - He is still here for you, just reach out to Him for comfort and He will comfort you.

At times, faith is all I felt I had. Please don't let your anger and disappointment eat you up. I know it's hard - it's one of the hardest things you will ever have to do... but you can gloat harder if you can live a good life on your own. They "need" each other to think they have it good. Trust me, they don't. It's fantasy, temporary. You have the power to make a good life, a REAL life. Use it. Take your "revenge" by taking back your power, and showing yourself and anyone around you that you *do* have it together - even if you have to fake it for a while until it becomes real.

I know what it's like to be discarded by the family. I had a very good relationship with my inlaws and now only one really treats me the same as always, XH's brother who comes through here for work every few weeks. The rest are polite and cordial if I happen to answer the phone when they call the kids - but they usually time their calls for when I'm not here. Sucks to be a member of a family for 20+ years only to be cast aside just like that. Crap happens.

Stop looking at what you don't have - look at what you *do* have and that will help change your perspective.

What did you do for YOU today? And please share with me some of the *good* stuff... start with your kids and move on from there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

JinGA

Many think that losing your spouse to death is almost easier to cope with than divorce. Everyone loses with a death - no one is to blame. A life is gone.

Your friends, family and community surround you in mourning. The house is yours to keep, the car is yours, the retirement, everything.

When you lose someone you love, the loss is horrific, but you never lose the love. It remains.

That why it is important to realize that there will be grief, and a very lonely kind of grief. Give yourself permission to go through this. But also realize that your actions and decisions now will determine your future.

During the time my husband was having the affair, Daniel Pearl, the journalist was kidnapped in Iraq. Something his wife said touched my heart, and I began praying fervently for him. Also I prayed and asked for prayers for my marriage. All the prayers failed.

And I can't even see a reason for it all. At least if my husband and OW had gone on to do great things, I might have thought it was all for the best. But they didn't stay together. OW is back with her husband. It ruined their marriage too, and her husband says that every day is a struggle. My husband has turned to drinking, and is no good to anyone.

So I have no answer to your "who even cares". I hope you will take some comfort in the fact that women (and men) DO make it through this, their lives ARE good again, the pain DOES end.

Catgirl,
I have been exactly where you are. I am still living and breathing and happier now than I ever was with my ex-WH. Believe me, it DOES get better. Your life is not over. I know the D is not what you wanted, It wasn't what I wanted either. BUT, I now understand that God knew much better than I did. My unanswered prayers for my ex-WH to come back was really a blessing in disguise. Why? Because he is still WAYWARD. He is with the OW to this day, I have also heard he has another OW too! That is not the kind of pain and misery that God would want me to inflict upon myself. My ex-WH's choice is to remain wayward apparently. He has free will and has chosen his path. By the same token, I have chosen to be happy. I am now married to a man who is God fearing and wants to be in a monogamous relationship with me, as his wife for the rest of our lives. I am thankful that God is in charge, because frankly, what I thought was best for me was not. I was angry for a long time and did not understand why my ex-WH could not just come back. I now understand that it was HIS choice to carry on as an Infidel, his free will that kept him on his destructive path. I actually feel sorry for him now.

God has bigger and better plans for you. You have a choice to reclaim your life and live it to the fullest. OR you can remain stuck in the pain and allow the WAYWARDS to rob you of your life and your happiness. I know it hurts Catgirl, your pain is very real right now. But you can and will pull through. One day at a time. You have to grieve and go through the process of healing. When you are ready, you will move forward and find the happiness that God has in store for you. Please, don't give up faith and hope in your life. It will get better, I promise you.

Cat,

How are you doing this morning.

Please check in. Thinking of you.

Still

catgirl-

How are you doing? Let us know. We are thinking of you.

I wanted to say that God knows how you feel. When He made us,He gave us free will and wanted us to choose to be in relationship with Him.
Even knowing what was going to happen in the garden, He still gave Adam and Eve the freedom to choose.

God knows how it feels to be rejected. Jesus understood the pain of betrayal. Yet, He chose to face it so that we could get back into that relationship with God.

"The Bible, from Gen 3 to Rev 22 tells the story of a God reckless with desire to get His family back."-Phillip Yancey
The Jesus I Never Knew.

One of the things I learned in my journey is that even though my prayers for the restoration of my M went unanswered because of my XH's choices (that darn free will!), just praying did benefit me.

God made us. He understands our emotions. He is big enough to handle even our crisis of faith.

Very well said, Johnstwin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Thanks - I took some inspiration from that.

JinGA

Catgirl - I feel like I need to treat you like my own sister and slap you around!

Man, you have planned a pity party, and that party is going on for months.

I am starting to see a real trend here. you seem to be very competitive, and you don't like the fact that you "lost" the cheating H to his two-bit cheating wh*re girlfriend. You don't care about building a new life for you and your darling children - all you care about is what that lying wh*re says abot you, and whether or not they will end up married.

Do I have that all straight?

Sister! I wish I could be there to walk with you. this is not the end for you!!! Frankly - it is the end for him and the OW. They got their wish. They are divorced. No more drama, no more secrecy, no more love sick soul mates sneaking around to be together. they are together. Every single day. Day after day. Week after week. month after month. they will probably get married. And he will blead her dry. his finances are in the toilet - she thought he would HAVE money, but instead he NEEDS money. And he will have to write checks to you every single month. Month after month. OW will love that. Don't you see how pathetic that is?

Do you get my point? They are stuck together now. they have very few choices.

meanwhile, you and the kids are not tied down to some other person - you truly get to pick your own life now. there is no one else telling you what to do. you can vacation wherever you want. you can eat whenever you want. You can watch your own TV. YOU are in control of your own life. Fully in control! Your WH has no freedom. OW can not trust him - ever - and she will watch him like a hawk. He can not make ANY plans without her prior consent.

as for the bit about her talking about you, and feeling like she has won. I guarantee you, that she is still too busy worrying about how she will keep him, and she does not have time to speak poorly of you. "winning" him away from his family took all her energy, and keeping him will be even harder.

As for you, young lady, you don't even like him! you could care less about him as a person. you just don't want anyone else to have him. Snap out of it! you need to read my FAVORITE book of all time: Women Who Love Too Much.

and if you want to win a competition: take up a hobby. Find a healthy activity to win at.

One final observation: you say that you wanted to "show" him how you changed/could change. what do you think you show him when you still try to control him? What do you think you showed him when you called OW a wh*re?When you asked about the car? What sort of change did you show him then?