I'm still here...
Day 3 of my migraine. Wish it would go away already...

Believer,
I agree with you in that I think D is worse than death. At least with death, it is over, never will see the person again etc. You finally have closure.

Johnstwin,

I understand we all have free will and God wants us to be happy. On the other side of the coin though, wouldn't he want Ex to be happy too? Doesn't he have plans for Ex then too? I guess I'm just confused that God would want both of us to be happy, yet I am still miserable and Ex *is* happy.

WOF5,

All I can say is WOW! I feel like you TRULY know what I am feeling. Yes you do have it straight, and yes I needed to be slapped around. I guess I still want the upper hand here and want Ex to know how much I disapprove of his life with OW so I will slip these jabs at him (calling OW wh$re) etc.) any chance I get. He wrote me a few weeks ago after we had a few words regarding DD, saying that it is none of my business what he does in his life and it NEVER will be etc, etc. I then wrote him a letter, this was all before the D, telling him exactly what I've been wanting to say to him for months. Not a very nice letter, but it was the truth. And I needed to say it, to maybe have closure in that area. I mentioned that if he didn't want M anymore, he could have D'd, didn't have to cheat on me, etc, etc. He never responded to that letter. Not that I thought he would. I guess it made me feel better though finally telling him what I should have said months ago.

So what do I do now regarsing Ex? I still have this sick curiousity to want to know EVERYTHING that is going on with him and with OW. Who's car was that that he had to pick the kids up in, are they going to get M, etc. etc. I truly don't know how to deal with that. I try and keep busy etc, but then things pop up and I start dwelling on him again.

How do I act when he comes to get the kids? We still have a few legal things to tie up, should be done in the next few weeks, then I won't have to see him. He thinks we will all live as a big happy family, me and the kids, and he and OW. He sort of mentioned that to DD. I don't want that. I don't want to be friends with him. As I said, I wish he were dead. It would make my life so much easier.

How do I deal with what people think of me? I'm, for lack of a better word, afraid to meet people at the mall or wherever, that were his friends and know about us. I'm sure, no I know, he spinned a totally different story to them. He still believes and tells people that OW was not the reason for our M demise. I'm the kind of person that wants everyone to know exactly what happened. Sure I messed up too, but he was the one that cheated. It's like I want to take an ad out in the paper to set the record straight. I guess that is the revenge I still have in me.

What do I do about Christmas cards? (I know it's a bit early), but I think about that. Some of these people I only hear from once or twice a year. If I just sign it me and the kids, they will all wonder. Yeah, I know I shouldn't care what they think, the problem is I do! I want them all to know if wasn't my fault that we D'd. Had he not had the A, I wouldn't have filed. etc. etc.

Go ahead, call me an [censored]. I just have so much [email]cr@p[/email] I worry about.

((cat))

So sorry about the migraines. A dear friend of mine suffers from cluster migraines. She has it under control now, but it took years to find the right medications.

And you aren't an [email]a@$%(-you[/email] are a wounded, betrayed XW.

I understand your confusion about God. It comes from a misunderstanding of what God wants for us. God never said He wants us to be "happy". What He said is He wants us to have an abundant life. And He knows the best way to make this happen is to follow His word. That's where we find His plan for us. He mapped it out in both the Old and New Testament.

Take the 10 commandments for example. They aren't a list of don't and no-no's as some think. They actually make a lot of sense in terms of how we should live our lives. The first 4 deal with our relationship with God. 5 deals with our family (parents and kids). And the last 5 with our life in society. If you want to get along with your neighbor, you shouldn't kill him-steal from him-lie about him-sleep with his wife-be jealous of his stuff.

Kinda makes sense doesn't it.

God never goes against His word-or His character. So, when He said "don't commit adultery" He won't say "just kidding!" like an indulgent parent because He wants the adulterer to be "happy." He knows that isn't the way to true happiness.

He even told the people of Israel in the OT that He isn't hearing their prayers because "the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner,the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His." The word "witness" in this verse means "accuser". God is the one who looks down at your XH and holds him accountable because God saw it all.
And God brought you together in a covenant. A legal divorce doesn't end that covenant for your XH because God is holding him to it.

Your XH isn't getting away with anything. The "happiness" you think he has right now is just an illusion. The world paints a pretty nice picture of sin. As a friend told me about my then WH "God will deal with him much more creatively than you ever could." (I immediately thought of Jonah). My XH thought he could keep his renewed PA a secret but once it got out (he let it slip)and they had to come clean with their families- even though our D was final at the time of exposure-her family's pressure ended it and now he lives alone 60 miles away, cut off from anyone who knew him before (by his own choice). He goes to work, comes home, and watches movies. That's kind of a "Jonah" place to be.

As Dr. Phil says to A partners "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." The fact that he thinks you can all be "one big happy family" shows how deceived he really is. He bought the world's lies and is completely hooked.

The curiosity about his life will fade as you start to get on with yours.

The best way to deal with him when he gets the kids is have as little interaction as possible. You aren't his friend. You are his betrayed ex-wife.

As far as what others think of you-well, we never had control over that anyway. You may have made mistakes but you didn't violate your vows. Divorce is an event, not a life sentence. Besides, the people who really know you, the people who matter in your life-they know the truth. Give them some credit to see past his lies. Especially if he has become different than the way he used to be (a common WS phenomenon).Also, anyone with half a brain can figure out that an OW in the picture before the D is final IS the reason for a D.

I think by the time Christmas cards come around, it won't be that big a deal to you. Let that one go for now. It will get better-even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

There's a good book titled "When He Leaves" that was a great help to me during this time. It's written by two women who both went through divorce after betrayal. It covers everything you are feeling and even gives steps to start recovering yourself again.

You crack me up
I think we may have been twins, separated at birth.

For the record – I am thankful that Johnstwin is here speaking spiritual words of truth to you – please listen. And get back to church. You need it now, more than ever!!

But to address your other issues:

“ How do I act when he comes to get the kids?”
Plan to interact with him as little as possible. Be polite, but to the point. If he is driving a different car – fake like you don’t even notice it. Why would you give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it? (unless he is driving a new Jaguar, then all bets are off)
No matter what he is driving, or wearing, just hand him the kids backpacks, any paperwork he needs to look, smile, and say “I am in a hurry, talk to you later! Bye!”
(my ex showed up in a red convertible once – sat in the driveway and honked. I saw him out the window, so I told the kids “dad is here” and let them go out alone. I am SURE he wanted me to see the car, but I didn’t give him the satisfaction! Turns out it was borrowed from his step son while his truck was broken down)

One of these days he will show up with a change in facial hair. Possible goatee – that sort of thing. Look puzzled. Don’t say a word about it – but look at him like he has a booger hanging or something. I remember running into WxH one time, soon after the D, and he was looking like crap. Rumpled clothes, hair messed up. I couldn’t stop myself. I said “oh my gosh! Are you ok? Are you sick?” and he just said he was tired. Months later I heard that he and OW had been fighting non-stop at that point and he likely had been up all night.

How do I deal with what people think of me?
Snap out of it! Most people know the truth. After all, he lives with her all ready. It is pretty obvious that he cheated. If a friend of yours had just gone through a D, and you knew her H was living with some OW, wouldn’t you figure it out? People do not think poorly of you. If they sometimes seem to avoid you – it is just because they don’t know what to say. So get yourself out there and socialize (not Date!! Just visit with girlfriends). Always look like a million bucks. And people will see you with your head held high, and know the truth. Get back to church. Get out of that bed, and throw out the booze! And stay away from any bars! If you do not want people to speak poorly of you – then stay away from the booze for now. It would be far to easy to slip into a bad habit – and then they will think that your Ex dumped you because you were a drunk.
Show your face in public, proudly. That will speak volumes.

He still believes and tells people that OW was not the reason for our M demise.
He can tell people whatever he wants – very few people will believe him. His actions speaker louder. If you were to run into an old friend at Starbucks, and he told you he was divorcing his W, and living with a new GF, but she was not the reason for the D, would you believe him? Not a chance. And most of the people you know, are not that stupid either.

What do I do about Christmas cards?
I had this same worry. I think we all do. I would suggest sending out more Christmas cards then you ever have before, and include a great pictures of you and the kids. Send to people you have not spoken to in years. Have address labels pre-printed with the names of you and the kids – make it obvious that there is not a Mr [censored]. Most people will figure it out, but not call about it. Some will figure it out and call to see how you are doing. And a few will not even notice. The idea is to make sure everyone finds out – so that if they do run into you at the mall they won’t say “how is Mr [censored]” instead, they may say “noticed your card did not include him. How are you doing”. And then you can simply say “well, he is still living with that women that he left us for – but that is his own issue”

There is so much happening right now that you do not see. I remember going to my OS’s football game and running into an old friend. He said “hey, how is_-?” and I said ‘I don’t know, he left the boys and I” He just said “sorry” and walked away. I felt horrible! I shouldn’t have been so blunt! After all, that guy didn’t know!
Every time I thought of that incident, I felt bad. Wished I could apologize for my bluntness. I found out months later that after he saw me that night, this friend happened to see the WxH sitting in the stands with his OW! They were all cozy and snuggly. The friend marched right up to them and read them the riot act! Told him what he was doing was horrible!!

Things like this are happening in your situation right now – but you don’t know it yet. It is all behind the scenes right now.

I still sometimes (almost 5 years later) have feelings about wanting to make double sure that WxH knows it was all his fault. I see an article in the paper about how bad divorce is for kids, and I want to clip it out and mail it to him anonymously. But I ignore the urge, and it passes. When someone at church asks me where my son is, and I have to tell them he is ‘at his dads for the weekend” I want to follow up with “its not my fault that we aren’t together anymore! I hate sending my son there for the weekened”
But I ignore the urge to speak out, and it passes.
Thing is – I am finding out that a lot more women at church have been through this similar situation. Attractive women, thin, talented, lovely women, who are divorced. I know how they feel. And they know how I feel. And I do not wallow in the urge for pity – because I have built a way better life! MY life, the way I want it.

Do you a good Foursquare church near by? You need to hear some great worship music, and hear a great spirit filled preacher.