Can someone out there tell me why I can't just stop asking questions about H's A and the OW? We are supposed to be really trying to work at saving our M and I set us back 10 places every day by bringing up something about the A/OW. It's like I am addicted to it and I feel I have to ask. Something will come into my mind early in the day and it builds up - when H comes in work I have a list of questions to ask him. He is working in a stressful job and then is faced with me stressing him. I always regret it and want to stop getting in this situation. My H is trying to forget and I keep reminding him. I am damaging any chance of survival. I want to manage these feelings so I don't get into these situations. Can anyone tell me if they did the same? How did they control it? Any tips/advice to control it?

Please respond if you can relate to this behaviour. Thank you.

Call Steve Harley and get into phone counseling with him.

This is normal ~ you NEED to have your questions answered in order to heal. But don't try to explaining that to your FWH, he won't hear it or understand it. Let Steve explain it to him. It works out much better that way.

You will have questions for a long time. I know I do. They come and there just isn't anything I can do about it. We did a big question and answer session but I still have more. That's just the way I am, I am a question-asker. I like details, about everything. I am painting a picture in my mind, and as long as I don't have all the details, the picture is not complete, and I do not like un-complete projects. So, the questions keep coming.

But let Steve explain this. Trust me on this one.

Well, for ten months, my WW wouldn't admit to the A, and when she finally did, wouldn't admit to the whole truth until two weeks ago. She told me the truth to what I asked her. I was asked, how do I know it is the truth, and I answered that I already knew in my soul anyway. I KNEW all along, and that is what ate at me for so long. I finally let it go. I am a person that wants answers, but to some not ALL...I know it would put thoughts in my head that I wouldn't be able to get out. Plus, my WW and I are going to MC as soon as I get home. She is serious about wanting to work on the M. It has been a long, hard road, and know that the beginning to true recovery starts with MC...

I understand exactly what you are saying. It is like a cycle- I question- he answers- I am hurting- he feels guilty. It seems like a no win situation- but actually it is, and eventually it gets easier. I swear when I first found out I asked a hundred questions a day. I wouldnt even wait for him to come home- I'd call him and ask. He had a very difficult time with it at first- he said- in counseling- that it is like pouring salt in my wound with each answer. Our counselor told him I was responsible for my feelings- and these were answers I needed to hear- he really emphasized to him that he was not responsible for shielding my feelings at this point- and by withholding information was actually hurting me more. As it made me feel like he was hiding stuff from me- rather than being noble and protecting. Because let's face it- he wasn't protecting three weeks prior when he was *@~*@ the ow. Anyway- my dd was 11-30-06, the questions are subsiding- now he sees it in my face and will ask what's up and I'll say something like- oh lingering questions- I can either ask or you can let it tourture me by festering- he will usually ask what's up. Also- if your like me- you maybe asking the same question over and over- I honestly don't remember asking him - I think I was in my on "shocked fog". I don't even remember feeding my two year old half the time. Take it slow- if you need answers ask- explain to him it helps you to heal.

With my husband- he wanted to just forget about it and not talk about it and move on. I think this was in part because he felt so horrid about the pain he cause me and our kids (our oldest is 14 and figured it out the same day I did). He said when I asked questions it reminded him of what he did (not the affair necessarily) to us.

Be strong, work hard, and grow.
Amy

Thank you so much Amy - its so good to hear I'm behaving "normally".

U R asking because you don't have closure yet. U will keep asking until you do. Even if that means a D.

Do as suggested and call Steve H @ MB.

1st, read SAA, HNHN and both of you take the EN questionnaires. If he won't then u do it once as yourself and once as him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Then call Steve.

If your H wants you to 4get it, don't. That's not the way to heal.

Healing is something you both need t/d together for the M to survive. You can have personal healing but M healing requires participation by both for the other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid xx

U R welcome. Now you've got lots of reading t/d. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.