It’s been quite some time since I’ve visited the MB forum and unfortunately the circumstances that bring me back are not good. First some background: I found out about my WW’s first affair in August of 01’. It was the absolute worst mental anguish I have ever experienced but we made it through. I have worked on the personal issues that caused my wife and I to drift apart, we saw a MC and I saw an IC, I have read countless books on the subjects of marriage and relationships including all of Dr. Harley’s books. In other words, I have really worked on trying to make this a better marriage. It got somewhat better but it has never gotten back to the place it was. The feelings of trust and security have never returned I could tell she just wasn’t there.

About a week ago I found out she is having another affair. My gut instinct told me something was going on. I told her I was suspicious and that if something was going on I would find out. She assured me she was not involved with anybody. I began to secretly monitor her computer usage and cell phone texting activity and found that she is indeed having an EA with another man…again.

I thought since I had been through this before it would be easier if it were ever to happen again. It’s not; it’s as bad if not worse this time around. It’s harder because now, in addition to the anguish, lack of sleep, lethargy, inability to focus and the permanent feeling that there is a knife in my stomach, I also feel like a complete fool.

I confronted her with the fact that I know what has been going on and even showed her copies of various emails between them. She denies that she is attracted to him despite the fact she said it in an email. She admits that the contact between them is not appropriate but says “I don’t know” when I ask her why she’s doing it.

Trust me when I say that my reaction when I found out and my subsequent mental condition have been all over the map. I simply don’t know how this could ever be fixed. We’ve been down this road before.
She says she wants to work on the marriage and doesn’t want to lose me or our family but I think she is just scared of the massive turmoil a divorce will cause. Frankly, I don’t believe a thing she says and don’t see how I’m ever going to.

I’m hoping somebody here has had experience with multiple affairs, specifically an affair after going through MC, IC, Marriage builders books….etc. WW has also read with me. Any insight at this point would be greatly appreciated. Completely confused……again.

wantwife4life - I'm sorry you find yourself back here for the same problem that many have had to face, "false recovery."

For your wife - Have you ever heard the story about the boy who cried "Wolf!"? There will come a point when you really do want to be believed, but you will have burned up all the "trust currency" in your marriage.

For both of you - You CANNOT recover a marriage without trust. You CAN remain "married," but you will not have a Marriage. You will remain TWO people and will never realize or attain the reality of Marriage that 1 + 1 = 1, not 2.

Wantwife4life, let's be "real" here for just a moment. You can want your marriage and be willing to forgive your wife, but forgiveness is EARNED in the "adultery arena" of life. It is "earned" by a true heartfelt repentence and, if I can go against the most commonly heard philosophy, forgivess is NOT the "gift you give yourself. Forgiveness is a GIFT that the betrayer receives from the one they have betrayed ONLY when they are truly repentant.

KNOWLEDGE of "affair related materials and recovery recommendations" is NOT "enough." NO amount of knowledge of anything is "enough." It requires APPLYING that knowledge to YOUR life.

Here is the TRUTH about marriage that many would like to deny: Marriage is the willing surrender on the part of BOTH husband and wife of THEIR INDIVIDUAL rights for the benefit each other. What the MARRIAGE (the "1" that is the result of combining 2 individual lives) MUST have is what is contained in most wedding vows.

Forsaking ALL others and KEEPING MYSELF only unto YOU, until DEATH (not until I no longer "feel like it") do us part.

It is the voluntary and permanent surrendering of selfishness, of self-centeredness, for the benefit of your chosen "mate for life."

Unfortunately, far too many Wayward Spouses, especially women it seems (I suspect because they tend to be more "reactive" to their emotions controlling their actions), never EMBRACE the concept of No Contact For The Rest of MY Life, or that Extraordinary Precautions MUST be put in place because their will IS weak and needs the support of the Precautions to prevent a rekindling of the old affair or the start of a new affair.

wantwife4life, here is a link to post by Lifeschoice, a Wayward Wife who FINALLY "got it." To let you know that I have "some" idea of the importance of this step to getting THROUGH "Recovery" and on to the beginning of "Recovered," it took my wife 4 years to reach this "moment of understanding" and "making it a part of HER life.

A former WS - THE "lightbulb moment" that is Essential to a Successful Recovery





Trust your "gut." What most Wayward Spouses never seem to learn is that a Betrayed Spouse's "affair radar" was PERMANENTLY "switched on" when "Blind Trust" was destroyed by their actions. All it takes is ONE "blip" on that radar to start the "search pattern" to determine if there is anything to be "concerned about." Why? Because the typical Wayward Spouse WILL NOT volunteer things, especially NOT "contact" related things. They fool themselves that "we can just be friends" or "I can handle it 'this time' and not let it get out of hand."

It is founded in selfishness, and they don't like to admit that.

Here is what you don't want to hear, but you need to consider.

It is obvious that you love your wife or you would not have attempted recovery to begin with. A person HAS TO love, truly love in a sacrificial way, to surrender their own "selfishness and self-centeredness" (the old "I will divorce you if you ever cheat on me" sort of possessiveness that stems from a DEMAND for faithfulness). Faithfulness is a WANT on the part of each individual (in addition to being a NEEDED component of a successful, loving, Marriage) but it is contingent upon the husband or wife and their exercise of THEIR "free will" choice TO BE faithful despite any and all "temptations."

As much as you want to be married to your wife, she does NOT see you as being able to "survive" without her "specialness" to you.

Honesty, Openness, Accountability, Transparency, Truth. These are not just "nice sounding" concepts of Marriage Builders. They are needed in all marriages, but they are ESSENTIAL to a marriage that has been destroyed by Adultery.





Please don't get offended right now, but....I have to take a moment and [color:"brown"]PUKE[/color]! (Here's some paper towels to clean off your monitor.)


"I don't know."

Just WHO does she think she's kidding, herself? Because she is not fooling anyone else, including you, WW4L.

WORDS have MEANING. Caught "red handed" and she thinks you are STUPID enough to think that the emails, etc., were "just an honest mistake" instead of a willful CHOICE to commit adultery again.

So, you will have to ask yourself the question, will you remain married to her yet again? If you will, what will be YOUR Boundary and what will be the consequences of a violation, no matter what she tries to say to "weazel out" of responsibility for HER choices?

She DOES NOT "fear" that you will divorce her. She thinks you NEED her and can't exist without her. So let me ask you another question, have you always been married or did you function "just fine" as a single person at some point in your life? You KNOW how to be single. You might not like not being married, but she CHOSE divorce with her choice for adultery. "Forsaking ALL others" MEANS exactly what it says, a CHOICE the individual makes for the good their spouse and marriage.

FOR LIFE. That IS the point, isn't it? ZERO tolerance, unless you are comfortable with being a "doormat" for the rest of YOUR life because you are afraid of the "unknowns" of divorce. She already CHOSE divorce. There is NO "repentence" in "I don't know." There is no acknowledgment of personal wrongdoing in DENYING that she WAS involved in at least an Emotional Affair. Spouses lie, but the words they use don't lie.

TRUTH.

TRUST.

FIDELITY. (Semper Fidelis, not "sometimes")

SURRENDER.

POJA (If there isn't enthusiastic agreement by both husband and wife regarding important or major decisions (like cheating), it DOES NOT GET DONE!)

I am really sorry you are going through this again. Each time the emotional impact is, imho, greater than the "1st time," because she has "proved" you are not "enough." What "enough" is to her only she can answer, but without that answer and the Boundaries and Standards that accompany it, "Recovered" is not possible and you will have to make a HARD choice, one way or the other.

God bless.