We have been married for 17 yrs and have a 14 year old daughter. We have been together 25 years as we were childhood sweethearts.

4 years ago, my husband had a drunken 1 night stand with out friend. No sex took place, but thats only because I walked in on them. From that night neither of use have seen her and all ties were cut. I have forgiven him but cant forget that image.

Over the last 5 months I have had a gut feeling that he has been seeing someone else and then last week I found out for sure. He denied it to the very last minute, then confessed all. It was a work colleague who was going through a bad time at work and at home and because they work together they talked (for his sins he is really good to talk to) and this developed into a relationship. He swears that they have never met outside of work and that it was a cuddle, kiss and chat thing at the end of the day. he also told me that it had been going on for a few months and that her husband doesnt know.

He called her the following morning and said its over and I also spoke to her to check out his story which seems true. She also told me that it was over and that she isnt worth throwing 25 years away.

Since that night he has moved out - I told him I needed space and so he has gone back to hs mums. However, he does tend to work away a lot and so for me it almost feels the same not having him at home. I cant slppe, eat or concentrate at work.

If I forgive him again, am I being stupid? What if he comes back and does it again? What if he comes back and never does it again and we can be happy again? He says that he loves me and would change nothing but he was flattered that someone else took an interest in him. I felt that we were happier than we had ever been and I did trust him again, but when he says that it willnever happen again, I dont know if I can believe him.

Would I be better going through this pain to come out the other side on my own and not have to re-live this with him again?

We are also live best friends and have he said that if I cant find it in my heart to take him back we will always be friends.

Am so confused, what can I do? He still calls me every day to see how I am and has spokn to my friends and has thanked them for being there for me. He has also confessed all to is mum and dad.

Please can someone give me some advice??

Thank You

Welcome. It is a big mistake to have him living away from home. You need to get him back so that you can work on things.

Please keep reading all the stuff here. You will learn how to affair proof the marriage by meeting his top emotional needs at HOME. It sounds like he needs some admiration, and he needs to get it from YOU.

I think your situation is very promising. He will need to set some boundaries that he doesn't cross in the future - no talking about personal lives with workmates, not saying anything he wouldn't say in front of you, etc.

Oops. I almost forgot. Since they have crossed the line, one of them needs to find another job. And you need to let her husband know what has been going on.

Thank you for your reply. We are both filling in the Emotional Needs questionnaire and we will then sit down and talk through things. I have also printed off lots of information from the MB website for him to read through so that he can try to understand and see things from my point of view. I still love him very much and the positive is that we are able to sit down and talk through our feelings. I wonder if I am doing the right thing keep asking him if he has seen her at work, has she said anything to him re affair, her husband etc.. has she phoned him/he phoned her etc.. (they have to speak to each other almost daily about work related matters) and not sure whether it makes me feel better or not when he answers. What is the right answer..... should I keep questioning him or try not to keep bringing it up?? I know that we need to put our energy into us but I keep wanting to hear more details about the affair even though he tells me he has told me everything. Is it right to try to forget and try to move on?

He needs to quit his job and get away from her. Here is what Dr. Harley says about no contact -

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.