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Until he recovers from his hurt and anger and betrayal, he may be difficult to get along with.

After the discovery of my x's multiple emotional affairs (EAs), I saw him in a whole new light - and it was very hard for me to have any shred of respect for him. I hated everything about him. EVERYTHING! And that lasted for several years.

One thing you might wish to do is read up on love busters (LBs) and eliminate them from your interactions with him.

take it from someone who was married to someone who had several affairs. (1 or 10, it doesn't matter, an affair is an affair, and it doesn't matter how long ago it happened), anger does not just go away over night.

my marriage ended over 2 years ago and i am just now at the point where i can say i would like for us to be able to talk rationally and just get along for the sake of the kids. but my ex holds a lot of anger at me as well (for various reasons) and even tho i am past my anger we STILL cannot get along for the sake of the kids.

your ex is still grieving. i am not surprised that he is still angry, he was betrayed in the worst way possible. that may take years to go away. it doesn't matter that he has moved on, she has nothing to do with the anger he has at you. those are 2 separate things.

all you can do is the best you can do. my ex had that same attitude "ah, what is done is done, just get over it" it does NOT work that way. you have no idea how much it hurts to be betrayed by an affair. it changes you completely, you are never the same again.

mlhb

Basically yes, it is too much for you to expect. You shattered his life after 20 years of marriage and obviously he is hurt and angry.

Now it would be best for all parties, most significantly your child, if everyone could be civil. Presumably this is what you want. What are some things you can do to help bring this about?

* Apologize to him and mean it if you haven't already done so.
* Be respectful of him and don't talk badly of him in front of your children. In general, mirror the behavior you would like to receive yourself.
* Help him have the best relationship with your children possible. (If for no other reason than it is best for them.)
* Set boundaries to protect yourself. Suppose he yells or curses at you. You can hang up, walk away, or remove yourself from such a situation. Let him know what actions aren't acceptable to you and what the consequences are (i.e., you won't stay on the phone if he yells).

You might get more concrete feedback here if you describe what he is doing that you object to.

If you merely want him to feel less angry, then I don't really think its your place to say or do anything. Only if his behavior (not feelings) are harmful to your child do I think you have a legitimate interest.

There always are. And I'm sure he wasn't the perfect husband. But you did do something that apparently he couldn't accept and stay in the marriage. I can't necessarily fault him for that.

Good luck,

- WG

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another perspective - I know you didn't wake up one day and decide to destroy your marriage.

But it might be worth thinking if this is really new behavior. Prior to discovery of the affair was he really a rational, reasonable, nice person? My guess is that anger was always an issue and that it played a big role in your relationship.

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how about this viewpoint, from a dad. . . you hurt me, you destroyed my dreams, AND you have the kids, AND you get money for this?

that goes on for a long time. .. . . its a daily reminder how now, i can't afford a house. . . how i now have to make arrangements to go see my kids. . . i can't just go upstairs and see them when i want. . .

where i live, taxes are about 1/3 of my pay. . . mortgage payment guidelines are about 1/3 of your pay. .. child support is 1/3 of your income. . . do you see how the american dream was just punctured?

wiftty

He has every right to be angry and don't expect anything else.

I will NEVER forgive my wife for destroying our family.

RL,

I am trying to speak to you in the abstract of being a person like you ex. My STBEXW has done some horrible things to me and the kids, which I doubt you have done.

There is nothing you can do to get your ex over his anger!

You have to live your life.

Can you provide more details about how long you were in the A, are you with the A OM now? What are the circumstances around the affair and how many kids?

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My stbx also claimed to be a christian, but when it came down to it, greed and show was job one.

You should read the letter she sent the church how "god" was helping her in a "situation" that had spiraled out of control and she "knew" he would get her through this victorious.

She said "god" told her to leave me because I didn't make enough money to support the "blessed" lifestyle she "deserved".

My near fatal accident was her "sign" that I was the problem and it was a "message" to me to get my life "right with god".

I survived miracoulously. I do believe I was the one living right.

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I really wish my stbx would haveen as remorseful as you.

I would have forgiven her and worked things out, but to her I would have had something over her.

To her the sugar daddy that is supporting her (she's 43 he's 60 some odd) is a blessing from her god.

Her most critical point towards me was I wasn't blessed because I didn't make enough money to support her lifestyle she thought she deserved.

Just three weeks ago I moved 200 miles to Atlanta and found a job within a few days that pays THREE TIMES what I was making with ease. I found a place to stay for under half of what my house payment was in a country club estate where a woman built a huge new house and I am getting to rent her old one up the street.

As soon as I'm medically cleared, I will start flying again.


BONUS, the women here at my new job find me intriguing as I'm so southern and gentlemanly and polite. The gunshot wound gives an el;ement of danger too I guess.

I have no problems finding friends and the other managers here took me out to lunch as I have been beyond deplomatic between departments.

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Ren

I am sorry to tell you but he likely will never get over this. I know I won't. My ex WW decided to run off and have an affair with a man 23 years her senior (sick!) and the affair/separation started over 18 months ago and we have been divorced for almost 1 year.

AM I over it? NO! Do I walk around angry every minute of every day? No, but everytime I look in my 2 1/2 year old son's eyes (I have sole custody, she pays CS) or he says something about mommy my anger is out the roof. Everytime I look into my little step daughter's eyes (I raised her from the age of 1 year old, she's now 10) and see the pain and hurt that she lives in having to live with her mother and OM causes me to boil.

Of course my ex WW hasn't been as forthcoming in being repentant or remorseful as you have been and that is a lot of it. She is more pissed that she lost custody, that she has to pay CS, looks like the crappy mother she is (not always that way), the Old OM is not what she imagined but she can't tell everyone "you were right and I was wrong", that OM will be broke instead of living the high life when this is over (divorce pending, other lawsuit pending with me).

You and she have done the unthinkable. You have destroyed a man's sanctuary, his family, his home, his place of peace, security and calmness in favor of your own selfish desires and loopy thinking. So, that said, I don't know if he will ever "get over it", so to speak.

I will say that I am heartened by your giving of yourself to Christ, your willingness to take responsibility for your actions, become remorseful/repentant and tell your BH that you are deeply sorry in actions and words. That makes you a winner in my book.

Ok Renewed Life,

You have gotten a lot of good heart felt responses. My question is what are you going to do with them? One thing you need to understand is that anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones: pain, fear, frustration, anxiety.

What is driving your exH's anger? That is the question you need to understand. With that question in mind reread the responses to you and I think you will have a clue about how to deal with this.

I agree with you that his anger will affect the children. It also is hurting him...MUCH more than it is hurting you.

If you could diffuse the anger by discussing it with him perhaps things will change. Sort of like puncturing a balloon. But, you need to see things from his point of view.

I am sure your marriage wasn't perfect. I am sure your exH was not a perfect H. Clearly you were not the perfect W. But, there are things to be learned from all of this, and "not doing it again" is simply the #1 thing to learn.

You should feel free to list the issues in your marriage, and then with the tools and people on this site you might learn how to have affectively handled them. And of course this also means how to have affectively handled your H, now exH.

I mention these things because you still have enormous power with regard to your H. If you did not he would NOT be angry. There is a famous quote I think you will find it applies to your ex.

While you are not here to rebuild a marriage, it would be good to rebuild some sort of a civil relationship with your child's father. I think many of the tools are the same and can be used to help stabalize the relationship.

So please read the articles, reread the comments you have been given from the other side of this, and then start to develop a plan to diffuse his anger by addressing what is really driving it; very likely pain and fear.

Must go. I hope this is of some help.

God Bless,

JL

RenewedLife,

I just wanted to try to give you a few words of encouragement. It took me about a year to get to the point where I could see myself forgiving my ex-wife for her affair. Her's was once and she ending it immediately after it all coming out. If she had continued it like so many others that I read about I think it would have taken me much longer. My advice is keep being nice, and eventually you may develop a better relationship. Even if you don't you will feel better about yourself.

BTW, My ex-wife and I have a very good relationship now. We actually enjoy spending time together. The hurt about the affair never goes completely away, but I have come further in my forgiveness than I thought I ever would.

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