My husband had his first affair with another manager at his company three years ago - an affair that lasted two years. After he disclosed the affair to me, I gave him the choice of breaking off the affair and working on our marriage or leaving. He chose to stay, but I don't think it was for me; I believe it was because of our older son, who would have been devastated. I wanted the marriage healed, but only if he was willing to work on it.

I purchased Dr. Harley's books and tried to get my husband to do the exercises with me. Initially, he seemed to want to go through the program with me, but after a while, it was pretty clear he didn't want to.

He showed little remorse after the affair and was actually quite verbally abusive in the weeks after the discovery. When I asked him if he really wanted to stay, I got the curt answer "Well, I'm here, aren't I?" We did marriage counseling on and off for about 9 months, and made a little progress. Part of the problem was that our marriage counselor took maternity leave six months into our seeing her, so we had a lapse in therapy where nothing happened. We saw her again, off and on, after she returned, but she then had to change her availability due to her baby. We were then left without a counselor. At that time, my husband said he wanted to just do individual therapy where we would each see our own counselor and put the marriage counseling on hold. This is not something I wanted to do, but as we didn't have another marriage counselor to see at that time, I figured it was better than nothing.

So, we have limped along for the past three years with very little progress. I have continued to see my counselor every week; he stopped. He hardly talks to me, no sex, very little physical contact. We are like roommates. I have basically shut down, because I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed that he's not wanting to be close to me. He gets his sex from porn on the internet and from ???

I finally initiated marriage counseling again a couple of months ago because I can't continue to live like this. Unfortunately, due to schedule conflicts and problems with babysitting, we've only been a few times. This Friday, our therapist told my husband that we will be discussing the affair. My husband tried to get out of this appointment last week, but I asked him to please keep the appointment because it's important. When I did that last week, he completely blew up on me, saying he had a lot of pressure at work and that I didn't give a f*** about him (sorry, his profanity, not mine...) because I was asking him to go when he is so busy at work. I mean, a one hour appointment? Like, why wouldn't this be a priority, given how horrible things are right now?

He later apologized after screaming at me, but the damage was done. He knows I shut down after he does this, which is probably what he wanted anyway.

I also made an awful discovery last week when I saw my husband's cell phone bill from work. I saw repeated calls to two telephone numbers I didn't know - 5-8 calls a day - calls early in the morning, on the weekend, late at night, you name it. So, I called the numbers. There was a woman's voice each time - the same woman. Now, the person he had the first affair with has since gotten married to another man she was sleeping with the same time she was sleeping with my husband, so I knew it wasn't her. So, who was it?

My husband spends 2-3 nights a week in the San Francisco Bay area because his work is too far to make the drive every day. So, guess when the late night calls are happening? Yes, when he's down in the Bay Area and on weekends here at home. He calls me once a day for a few minutes; then he appears to be too busy to talk.

So, after he blew up at me last Thursday, I asked him about the cell phone bill. He admitted he has been chatting with a "friend" at work. At 9:45 p.m. for 45 minutes on a week night. Several times during the day. Not her work number, but her home number and personal cell number. I asked him point-blank if he was having an affair with her. He said they are "just friends."

I'm sorry, folks... you don't talk to a person of the opposite sex for extended amounts of time several times a day if there is not something more than a friendship going on.

He said "You're not ever going to trust me again, are you?" I told him how could I trust him with this going on? He hides his cell phone, he has private email that I can't see, so how can I trust him? Now with this new "development," I don't know what to believe. Even if he hasn't slept with this person yet, the fact that he is investing a lot of time and emotional energy into her is not appropriate for a married man.

I told him that if he is having another affair, that it's over. I have to have some self-respect left. I can't go through this again.

I guess the telling moment will be this Friday at our counseling appointment. He is now out of town again this week for business, but again, I'm not sure what to believe. Sure, he can tell me anything. How can I check up?

If he refuses to break off the "friendship" with the woman at work and does not want to work on our marriage and be a partner with me, then I am going to be forced to ask him to leave.

I'm heartbroken... we've been married 16 years. In spite of everything, I still love him, but I'm devastated by grief and anger that this might be the end. I'm having trouble eating and feel incredibly sad, but I am trying to hold myself together because I have two kids who need me. Both of my children have autism - my oldest is considered high-functioning and my youngest is very severely affected.

If any of you could pray for me that I can get through this situation from a position of strength, that I can somehow make this easy for my children, I would appreciate it.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope my husband still loves me and wants to work toward healing our marriage. But, I'm losing hope, based on his behavior. I feel I should plan for the possible worst and be able to be strong.

I am meeting Thursday afternoon with the director of the women's ministry at my church for prayer and support. My husband attends church with the family but is not a Christian. My own faith in God has suffered from all that's gone on in my life. I don't know what I'll do if I find out he is having another affair.

Thanks for listening...

Eowyn

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm trying to figure out what you love about your husband since you said he is cold, there is very little sex and he hardly talks to you. I would insist on marriage counseling. Be sure to bring up the affair, and the new "friend".

Eowyn,
I am so sorry for the circumstances and pain that have brought you here, but I am sure you will come to find out, as I did, that this website is a Godsend. I am so glad to hear that you have a church home in which you can find support. There are many books and resources out there that are helpful, too. As far as your situation, I would recommend that you read up on the Plan A, Plan B, and EN questionnaires. The questionnaires were extremely helpful for both my H and I. But I have to tell you, the thing that struck me most about your situation is the "Well, I'm here" response from your H, because I used to get that, too. We moved to another state 1000 miles from where we were born and raised. While I was here, he was still back home getting the house fixed up and ready to put on the market. That's when he had his affairs. I have come to understand his needs and how the As (yes, he had two, one PA and the other both EA/PA) happened. We were under a lot of stress before the move and then when I left, we hadn't resolved the issues and he was so far away for four months. But regardless of that, the As were HIS choice. The thing that hurt me most of all was the fact that he continued to have an EA even after he moved here. That was devastating. And I found out by looking at his cell phone log on his phone to see who he had been texting. And then I checked cell phone bills, too, and saw all of the late night telephone calls, etc., etc.. Very similar to your situation. Interesting how he kept erasing/deleting the history on calls and texts "because my daughter told him that this drains the battery". Yeah. He always had the lie ready and I was so darn naive that I bought it every time.

The truth of the matter is that unless your H is ready to have NC with this other person (friend or OW, whatever), he is not ready to focus on the marriage. It wasn't until I found all of the incriminating evidence (emails, pictures), printed them off and gave them to him, along with my wedding ring, that he was ready to come clean. It wasn't until he was on the verge of losing it all that he ended the EA with the OW. I didn't want to lose my H. In fact, for a long time I was afraid to ask questions for fear that it would drive him away. But through all of this, we learned to talk. We learned what brought us to that awfulness (is that a word?). And we learned to move forward.

Having two sons with autism is an incredible challenge, I am sure. I am a special education teacher and know how autism can impact a family. There are no excuses for spouses to have As. What you need to focus on is Affair Proofing your M so it doesn't happen again. Bless you for forgiving him the first time. But this time, it won't be the same. Right now he is operating from the fog. You've read about it, you know what I mean. He is not thinking clearly. Begin Plan A right away. And then find supports for you. God helped me through the unspeakable pain that I was going through. I don't even remember how I made it through those days. But, He wrapped me in His loving arms and held me when I sobbed and when I didn't think I could go on. His love, His mercy, His grace....the only things that helped me through....the only way I was able to survive...the only way I was able to forgive.

I read the book Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. If you haven't read any of his books, get this one. He is an incredible author. My giant was the OW (EA & PA). Read the book, God is there. God will guide you through this time. I pray for your continued strength and healing during this difficult time. Please know that I am here if you need me. My email address is in my profile (click on my name on the left). I don't check this website as often as I used to, but touch base with me if you need to vent or talk or if you need a shoulder to cry on via email. Take care and God bless.
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