Bugsmom,

What are the boundaries you set while in plan B?

Example:

Contact allowed: via (e-mail, message w/3rd party, vm)
Subject restricted to: (bills, child visitation, etc.)????

L.

BUGS!!!!!!!!!


Do NOT reply to his email.


I am shaking you too!

For every reason in the book, and then some.

Don't reply.

Send his mail to him in one big envelope, and with a note to him to CHANGE HIS ADDRESS. That's it -

"DRAC, YOU NEED TO SUBMIT A CHANGE OF ADDRESS TO THESE COMPANIES."

Nothing else.

He shouldn't be in your space picking up the mail.
You shouldn't be emailing him.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

DARK

That means no contact

not by email either.

As far as the cell phone goes, don't worry about it. It isn't YOUR problem - is it bothering YOU?????????

Nope. It's bothering WH - and HE DOESN'T EXIST - remember?

Who cares if the cellphone is a problem for him?

You don't. Neither do I.

If he really cares all that much for the cellphone, he can get another one, and/or change it over himself, and/or MAKE THE PHONE CALL TO THE COMPANY WITHOUT HIS "MOTHER" (YOU) reminding him. He has on his big-boy britches.


Do NOT send him another email

You are DARK.

SB

Mimi,

We were posting at the same time. Now I am sitting here with a case of whiplash from the shaking! (Just kidding, but I took it to heart)

I can not change the locks on the house. I will only be there 18 more days and am going to continue to give the mail thru the sitter whether he likes it or not. If I changed to locks, I have no doubt he would just break in if he wanted in, and legally I could do nothing about it.


The cell phone is taken care of and is now in his court. I will give it to DSS tonight along with the charger.

I have 1 friend from way back I will talk to about being intermediary and am pretty sure she will do it.

The only part that she will need to reply to is the phone call schedule.

The E-mailing from him all started after he saw her. Before that, he had not contacted her at all.

Ok. I've calmed down now....

Sorry about that....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Bugs, you're correct. I don't post often for a lot of reasons. One, I didn't know about MB until about 3 months ago, so I was already about 8 months into recovery (after dday 2). So didn't really feel like I knew enough to be giving anyone opinions or advise.

Still not sure I am, but knowing what I now know, I know I made some huge mistakes between dday1 & dday2. Also, I have 2 sons that dominate the computer most of the time, & sometimes hover when I'm on. Lastly, I am so technologically challened that I have at times spent a long time on a post & then found that my form is no longer valid. Many times I read your posts & people quickly say what I would have said anyway.

I did this just this morning. I posted for like a half an hour to someone on a Recovery thread & then couldn't submit it. I tried to figure it out, but ended up losing my post. I was so PO'ed cuz it was something I felt I could help out with.

Anyway, Mimi said what I was trying in a round about way trying to say. I love her! She is nice and blunt as she should be.She gets her message out loud & clear. Kudos to her.

So, what Mimi said "Ditto".

I think she's right. Drac needs to feel he still has some hold on you. Stay dark as......umm...chocolate. Yeah, chocolate is good.

Bugs....do not fall into the same mistake Wildhorses fell into.

Power struggling with your husband is not Plan B. It's Plan Lovebust.

Hey everybody! Thanks for being here! This is so GREAT! Really!

Mimi, don't apologize! I AM glad you feel more calm now. So do I!

In fact, I am sitting here laughing! Poor Drac does not stand a chance with you all around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am NOT replying to his email, so no worries there. Mimi is right, there has been total silence and darkness until he saw me yesterday. Since then it's been 2 emails and 1 text message. None of which did I reply to.

No, the phone situation is not bothering me too much. Actually, for me it is somewhat better not to talk to the kids when they are with him, because 90% of the time they are doing something with the Ho and I'd rather not know any more about that than I have to.

So, let's think about this. There is no need for any reply to this is there? I mean he did not even ASK a question for me to answer. It was just a list of statements. Well good for him. He can make whatever statements he likes. It is not necessary for me to comment on a single one of them.

How's that for dark?

Awesome decision. It is soooo gonna kill him that he can't even provoke you into contact. That's gonna eat him away. Hehehe

Poor Drake has no more control over the Goddess Bugs! Love it!

Bugs;
There is not one single element of his e-mail that requires a response.
It is non-emergency stuff designed to get a response out of you. His tone is deliberately accusing and poking at you SO YOU WILL RESPOND AND DEFEND YOURSELF.

Absolute silence is the best response to that.

phone schedule? not urgent.
getting mail? not urgent.
cell phone? not urgent.

First of all here are your Plan B "holes" where I see them:

You are not responsible for making sure DD (or DSS) contacts their father. He is responsible for calling them.
Do not take on responsibility for that.

You must not allow him into your space. He is getting a fix of you. And frankly he's a little creepy about it (unscrewing lightbulbs???)

You must avoid seeing him at the sitters. Good job today!

Do not allow him to suck you into communication. He was slightly accusing because he KNEW you would react to it and re-enter communicating with him.

Yeah, he's completely unaffected by Plan B, uh huh.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BR..makes a great point, piggybacking on what I said earlier.

He's needing to make you into the BAD GUY to fuel the A..for them to have something to talk about..for him to continue to justify the A to himself...

18 days is too long for him to have access to the house, IMO...

Let him have to break in then....SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES...

Forward the mail to his father's house...

Doing these things will also help YOU to feel more POWERFUL...

YIPPEE...

I was posting at the same time as you.

You've got it!

So glad you ran this by the board first!

You know, this entire time here at MB is such a learning experience every day. Even when I think I've learned something already, I uncover another layer or depth to the same thing.

Your comment about control, Jaded, make me think about that. I have said several time that I can not control Drac, I know that. The only thing I can control is Me. Now, I know that. I understand that.

Yet today was another reminder of the Depth of that understanding. I was more concerned with controlling mt RESPONSE that I did not see that the level of control SHOULD have started with NO response. By automatically surrendering to the feeling that I needed to respond, I gave HIM back the control

That's why it is so great to come here first before doing anything!

Thanks again everyone. You saved me the crossing the line of darkness! WHEW! I am tired! :-)

Bugs ~ I hooked up a telephone in my kids room.

They got to use it to call dad anytime without my needing to interfere.

Create avenues for your children to reach their father without your active knowledge/facilitation.

Stop emailing him.

And don't send messages through kids. Your husband is right.

Lexxx,

We were both posting at the same time,,TWICE,,saying the same thing! I loved the entire line of rolling eyes.

B.R.,

I like the idea of the phone in their room and will do that at the new house for sure. Right now, they have acess to house phone (cordless) and to DSS's cell phone when they are with me, so they can call. But, the added privacy of their own Dad line at the house is good.

Just a note, I have Not emailed Drac since Plan B started.

Mimi,

Think I will swing by the old Home Depot and find out how hard it is to change locks myself! Doing it myself would Definately make me feel very powerful!!

Heck, if I can change the inner workings of the toilet (which I have) locks should be easy, right?

Bugs,

I am going to second Mimi's directions, among many (SB, BR), remain dark, none of what Drac sent to you needs response.

Can you shift your schedule a bit more to keep from seeing Drac at drop-offs? If so, even by 30 minutes, do it; this will save you a whole lot of grief, for when he sees you, his tendency to contact you and pull you back in is much higher, and you do not want this. You want sincere change, commitment, not drivel, not crumbs.

One of the best things I did was change the locks on the door, FOR ME. PWC never even tried to enter, but it was about boundaries, both physical and mental FOR ME. Once those locks were changed, I felt protection, relief. Even if it's only 18 days; if you can afford it, do it.

Have mail forwarded to Drac's new address; if he continues to want to come to the house, put it in a bag on the front stoop, with a note stating that he needs to change his address. I mean, seriously, if you are moving out anyway, why keep the address. Why, you ask? So he can get a fix...

Hi SL,

I would forward his mail, but they do not deliver to FIL's house at all. I am just going to secure in a large envelope daily and leave it for him to pick up at the sitter's.

I am changing the locks for sure, especially with the timing of DD's school starting a few days before the real move, I want to be sure he doesn't show up and start taking things away or moving things in while I am gone for those 3 nights before the move.

I don't know if it is the fix he wants or the control he wants or what the he77 he wants. Frankly right now, I don't care.

With the mail thing... hand it to the sitter and not the kids. Then you're going through HER and not THEM.

You're doing great Bugs.

Hey Meggy!

Yes, that is a good idea. Or simply a note left on my door that his mail is in the box.

I stopped by Lowe's on the way home and looked at locks,,, am going to need some help. I bought one of those hotel-like slide saftey locks (the good kind, not the chain) and was going to put on the front door, as back door is sliding glass and has a safety lock already. BUT, I forgot the front door is metal and Drac took all of the power drills with him. So,,,,,,,,,,, am going to need to enlist some help. I have tons of guy friends who would come do it, but it's over an hour one way drive for them to my house. I am hesitant to ask FIL or cousin-in-law to do it.

So,,,,,,,,,,,,,Here's the latest.

I get to the sitter's and Drac has already picked up DSS. UNUSUAL, so I was prepared. Walk in the house and sitting on my counter top is DSS's phone bill that was given to Drac last night!

Why is he doing this [email]cr@p?[/email]

I had thought of giving the cell company and Drac 5 days to change the billing and then if it's not done, shutting it off. HOWEVER, then that leaves me no way to call the kids other than Drac's cell phone when they are with him and I don't want to do that.

Any suggestions?

Coming by the house is not DARK enough...and then there's the note to him...

A locksmith won't cost you much at all!



Trying to provoke you..interact with you..like Lexx said..

He wants to engage with you somehow...

Don't respond TO HIM in any way..

Do what's best for YOURSELF..since he doesn't exist..and control what YOU CAN..

I probably would pay the bill or get that one shut off and get a new phone for them in my name...