I am very frustrated and need advice. By nature, I am very solution oriented. I have a very responsible job and am used to solving problems. I think through alternatives, discuss them with others, and then make choices. My natural process is very much like the POJA.<P>My husband and I have not negotiated/talked through a serious issue in probably 18 months. Whenever there is something important, I have to bring it up. I certainly HAVE NOT been hitting him on the head with things (on purpose, not my natural behavior). Sometimes I wait six months or longer living with a problem before casually bringing it up. We've been separated for a 13 months and still haven't seriously talked through divorce, visitation or financial arrangements. I still don't know what his goals are for our separation (I'm not being totally honest. I have figured out that there are no goals and he has no plan).<P>The current process works like this. 1) I bring up an issue as nicely and positively as I can. 2) I ask him for his thoughts. He generally doesn't have any. 3) I am silent for what seems like ages waiting for him to say something. After two minutes or so, I tell him what I think (nicely and politely), often with alternatives. 4) He either tells me he agrees or will "think about it" and get back to me (ha). 5) If he agreed, he won't follow through on whatever it is he said he would do. 6) I wait a long time (at least 4 - 6 weeks) and casually mention again, combined with a bunch of other non-controversial stuff. 7) The cycle repeats. Husband does whatever he wants.<P>I'm at wits end. NOTHING GETS RESOLVED. I really want to use POJA with him, but I am sure that going through the process of talking about it would be a major lovebuster (educating him). He hasn't read anything or counseled since the situation. Early in the separation, I know I really ticked him off by spouting out all the stuff I had been reading.<P>The message I get from all this is that he could care less about me, what I think, how I feel, or what is in the best interest of the kids. He gets his way 100% of the time. Since I am always Plan Aing, I don't get angry or judgmental about the avoidance behavior, and I don't press him and follow-up more than two times on things that he said he would do but doesn't. Generally, I just keep on doing what I have to as things default to me (financial matters, taxes, child issues, school issues, insurance issues, cars, everything single thing).<P>Anyone have any suggestions? I don't know why, but I still want to work things out. He's still engaged in the affair and being a truly lousy father (he used to be a great one). For 15 of our 17 years together, I considered us to have strong, complementary skills sets on working problems. He's always been a bit of a procrastinator, but he did eventually do things.
