Hey Guys!


Thanks for stopping by to say hi! I need to catch up with both of you on your stich! I know from what little I have been able to read, you are both dealing with a lot of stuff right now

Try to take the weekend and make it a 'No Worries' weekend. That is what I am going to do!

Sit back, relax, and watch the clouds drift by.

I KNOW I am feeling better because even a big work crisis isn't getting to me today! I keep telling everyone - Hey, it is a No Worries Weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I went to pick up DSS from his Aunt & Uncle's house this afternoon. It was nice to see them. He had forgotten to bring his life jacket, so we had to go to the house.

I made a BIG mistake. I went in the house. WHAT A MESS! He complained about how it was HORRIBLE living with FIL because of the way he "keeps house". Well OUR house now looks just as bad. He's done NOTHING but come in and throw down piles of stuff everywhere.

I didn't take notice of every little detail, but did notice that although he moved the bottle of wine labeled for our wedding, he atleast didn't throw it in the trash. Same for the pictures I left around.

I realized my error almost as soon as I walked in, so I quickly had DSS get his stuff and got outta there. Atleast there were no signs of the HO.

For some reason, Drac was insistant with DSS that he call Drac AS SOON AS I picked him him from the Aunt's. He'd told DSS that we would need to figure out a way to meet up with him to get DSS some meds, as he is almost out. I told DSS to wait to call Drac, as I still needed to go back by the office and we'd need to see what my sitch was first before we could make any arranagements with Drac.

Well, apparently Drac stopped by the Aunt's house shortly after I'd picked him up. He called DSS right away wanting to know WHY he hadn't called and WHY we had to go by the house. Obviously NOT happy that I was there. I'll be honest, that made me smile just a little bit. Maybe now he can understand how it feels to have someone in your house like he did to me! Is that evil?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, he starts giving DSS a tough time about meeting up with us, wanting to know EXACTLY where we were. I told DSS, Dad can drop off your meds at my office, at my house, or you can get them when you go home Monday. I already KNEW that I had plenty of meds for him at my house, so this was NOT an issue. Drac apparently continued to give him a hard time,,,,,,,,,,,,,,when I am sure the fact is Drac was upset with ME. Either Drac hung up or the call dropped, I'm not sure.

In a very nice, relaxed way, I explained to DSS that Drac was making this harder than it needed to be. DSS & I had just had a similar conversation. Life doesn't have to be complicated all of the time if we just step back and look at the most simple of solutions. I told DSS,,,, "Hey, it's no big deal where we are exactly right now. Your Dad knows where my office is. He knows where my house is. He can #1. drop your meds at the office #2. Drop them at my house or #3 you can get the meds Mon when I take you home. No big deal! ok?"

He seemed upset with the dropped call, so as soon as he had signal again, I told him it was ok to call Drac again. No more talk about the meds went on. From what I gathered, he was back in the area of the house and expected ME to accomodate meeting up with him under the guise of DSS needing his meds.

NOPE. Not necessary. Of course, I am sure he's 'documented' how I was uncooperative in making sure DSS had his meds and am a Bad Mom, hoping he will be able to use that against me in some way down the road. He's really into documenting things he thinks he can use from my Plan B actions,,,,,. But I have a question. Do you think it's because he wants to use it later legally OR is it just that he's mad that he's not getting to me any more? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

My A called today, as well. Seems Drac had his A send a fax earlier this week about having a "problem" over the holiday weekend. My A didn't call me when she got it, as she figured I'd call her if it was a problem and realized today that it was the holiday weekend and she hadn't heard from me. Kind of funny actually. I told her it was worked out,,,,, No Worries, remember? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

She's working on the final paperwork,,,, several things that Drac's A put in aren't really worded right, are not in the "spirit" of the verbal agreement, and others are "sneaky" little changes. She's going to address them next week with Drac's A. Obviously, though, he's moving forward as quickly as possible to finish up, as he has provided almost everything required of him to get it completed. That makes me sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bugs:

Don't worry about the big D. You are much better now. You are happy, don't lose your focus.

Just because the D is finalized doesn't mean that the Lord can't lead him back home.

Maybe it would be for the better, where you could have a new anniversary to remember.

Read Matthew chapter 19.

Sorry I've not posted. Dr. thinks I've had some mini strokes. The computer gives me major headaches right now.

Take care and know that I'm praying for you.

The kids and I had a GREAT weekend. Tons of fun was had by all.

We ended up in camping spots next to old friend of Sis & BIL, so we had a nice group, including other kids. Both DD & DSS made new friends. DSS even got up on the knee board this weekend for the first time and did GREAT! DD "drove" the boat, too! She & I rode a tube all around the lake & only stopped because MY arms were tired! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Drac left vm this afternoon wanting to know about DSS , , was I dropping him off for practice. He already KNEW that was the case. Whatever.

I dropped DSS off for practice, DD & I went to see baby cousin D for about 30 minutes and headed home. While on the way I got TM from Drac,,,,, "at practice, don't see DSS"

I did not reply

ABout 20 minutes later, another tm "Sent TM and left VM on your other #. Don't see DSS Is he wearing white or blue jersey?"

I did not answer. As DD and I were walking in the door, the phone rang & it was him. Did not answer because arms were full. DD called right back and got vm.

There was a VM left,,,, I played it, thinking it was for DD. NOPE. A NASTY vm for ME.

Said there is a problem with his PERSONAL cell phone. That we have to "communicate" (snide voice here) via his work phone.

Hmmmm, wasn't it just the other day his work phone would not send a tm?? Hmmmmm every message this evening was on his PERSONAL phone?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, he got really rude that he "Finally" had DSS. He went to the same field he always had gone to and that he did not know that DSS was practicing at the other field tonight. Then says "I know you are mad at ME, but we HAVE TO COMMUNICATE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILDREN & YOU NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am pretty upset right now, but not as much as in the past. Frankly, I only want to "communicate" with him to tell him that I am not MAD at him. My not "communicating" with him has nothing to do with being MAD AT HIM at this point in time. It is because I don't WANT anything to do with a POS like him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

He was THERE. I was driving in my care 70 miles away from there. Could he not walk up and ASK someone??? Why is this MY fault? DSS practiced there on Friday as well. Drac would have known that if HE had taken care of getting him to practice instead of pawning DSS off on someone else all the night before and all day on Friday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

UGGGHHH! A Perfect weekend now has a black mark on the end of it. [censored]!

DD left him a VM. Do you think he's bothered to call her back?? Why is that??

Bugs:

Good for ignoring him. Stay dark and refocus your thoughts. The fact that he is persistent shows that you are breaking him.

You have to maintain control for them to break, and you are doing a fine job.

He does not want to call DD because he thinks he's hurting you and getting back at you for not answering him.

You must realize that when they are in this fog, mind games is the only game they know how to play.

This is when the serenity prayer comes into effect.
"God grant me the serenety to accept the things I can not change."

We can not change our husbands. God can. When he upsets you like this, sing a hymn and refocus on Christ. Then feel God's love envelope you.

You are doing great. Don't worry. God will handle him.

This is ALL his DOING.

Don't let him WIN and get to you.

If he had not chosen this none of this would be happening.

Simply LET IT GO..Tutn on some nice soothing music...and say to yourself...just like you did..

WHATEVER...

You're fine, your children are fine...

LET HIM SUFFER IN HIS OWN MESS....

Shows how dependent he is on you to MANAGE things and he wants you to continue to play that ROLE...

DON'T HELP HIM OUT OR IN ANYWAY FEEL OBLIGATED TO DO SO....

This is ALL his DOING.

Yes, it is. Funny, though, he has processed it to be MY doing because I am "mad" at him. *IF* that were the case, truly, how weak would that really make me. If I were merely "mad" at him, I have news for him, it would look a whole lot different than just not talking to him. He would learn a whole different meaning to the term "Love Buster" he he!!

I put DD to bed and am quietly finishing my Dairy Queen Blizzard! Talk about SOOTHING!!

I was thinking about how he now loves to create little tempests in teapots these days. No HO around gives him too much time on his hands. Lord knows he doesn't want to focus on anything like looking at himself VS figuring out new ways to blame me for whatever negative is going on in his life. Wonder how long he'll hold this against me. He is really BIG on grudges. If he perceives someone as having "done him wrong" or worse yet, "done his children wrong", the are on the SH*T list forever.

Which, I find totally too funny,,,,,,,,,,,,as if my not "fixing this for him" or any of the other perceived wrongs I've done somehow are so much worse than Adultery. As Rin would say, LMAO!!

Need to go switch out the laundry and finish this icecream before it melts.

Thanks for the support!

Don't let this get to you. If he can't stop screwing OW for the sake of the children, then you don't have to give in to his manipulations for the sake of the children. Just ignore this obvious attempt at manipulating and getting a rise out of you. Whenever he says "for the sake of the children" think "then stop screwing OW."

Consequences suck, huh?

I hope for your sake he learns to manage his schedule.
Have you got that calendar up and running?

He is trying to use anger to manipulate you into communicating with him. Silly WH.

Keep ignoring him.

LMAO...Silly WS...tricks are for kids!!!LMAO

GO BUGS!!!

What more can I say, you are doing great! You know you are doing great! let him do HIS thing!

Consequences DOOOO suck...POWS will be feelings more of them REALLLLLL Soon!

Let them rot in the [email]cr@p[/email] burger that they made! Hope it taste good! LMAO

Have a great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I talked to M, she said Drac sent an email this afternoon - again just saying how we have to communicate "for the sake of the children".

Yes, the calendar is up and running. I gave DSS a printed copy before having Drac told how to access & am sure that his email included something about sending messages through the kids. That's one of his favorites.

I resisted all day the urge to write to Drac EXACTLY what I really want to say to him. I did type it out though and was going to post but could not get logged on at work.

This is what I wrote -
"Let me clarify some things for you. It is no longer my responsibility to take care of every detail of life. You set up for DSS to play football. I would think that you would be involved enough to know when, where, how long, etc. all of his activities are scheduled. He practiced at the other field on Friday, which I expected you to have known. A simple question to the coaches at the field would have given you the information that his squad was at the other field. You were THERE. I was driving 50+miles away. I got your vm messages at 8:06, at which time you had DSS.

My desire not to ineract with you unless it is of necessity is not because I am "mad at you". I have chosen to move on with my life, which does not include you and all of the negatives that go along with that. You stated many times your desire for me to move on, so let me do so.

You chose to "move on" long ago and in your own way. My life is now mine. Who I choose to have in my life and to what degree they are in my life is also my choice. I choose not to include people who claim to care, but then lie to my face. I choose only to include people whose actions show that they care and who keep their promises. I choose to include people who aren't afraid of looking in the mirror at themselves and admitting they were wrong, who will apologize for their mistakes and work to correct them. I choose people who help teach my children good values, not those that tell them lies to accomodate and hide their own wrong doing, and who do not expose them to improper moral values.

I have plenty enough going on without having to worry about anything or anyone outside of those of my choosing. Nor do I have the time, patience or energy for playing games.

It is not necessary for us to "talk" about every little detail regarding the kids. You have the schedule, so I expect that there shoudl be very few, if any, questions or need for us to "communicate" unless there is an emergency of some sort."

Now, I am VERY glad I did not send that to him, but it sure made me feel better to have written it out for myself!

I did not respond in any way. It wasn't easy. I felt a great tug to "explain" things to him, but resisted.

I know he thinks that I am not speaking to him as a way to manipulate/control him, which he will resist til the good Lord returns to this earth. I have to admit, I question this myself. Isn't this really manipulation? I could expound on that, but have a feeling you all have a way for me to look at this that makes sense, so I will await your replies before going further down that path of thinking.

I guess I am just questioning right now how anything I am doing is accomplishing anything in regards to my relationship with Drac. I know I may be "buying in" to what he is telling me, but it seems that I am only giving him more "reasons" to fuel his negative thoughts/impression of me.

I guess it's just because this is so hard for me. I don't feel depressed, but just tired and sad. I just don't see any hope of him making a change. I said this morning that I'd really like a transfer to another planet.

Bugs,

Plan B is not about getting Drac to change. It's about you and you detaching to protect you. Drac will either get it or he will not. If he gets it and you still have some love reserved for him then great. If he doesn't then by the time you are finished with plan B you will find it a lot easier to let go, move on and begin and new and wonderful life while wayward Drac keeps rolling down the toilet bowl of life.

H&P,

I know you are exactly right about the purpose of Plan B, I get lost sometimes in the hope that he will change, not that I think I CAN change him.



This is the thing, isn't it? When to be finished with Plan B.

I love that I've made great changes in my life. I love the new home I am making for myself & DD, and DSS when he's here. I love that I've remembered who/what I am and that I am special. I love that I continue on a new daily walk with God. I love that I do trust in Him to take care of my every need and to rely on Him. I love being close to my family. I love that there are good things in my mind for the future.

I HATE dealing with Drac in any way. I HATE what he has done and what he continues to do. I am just really sick and tired of it all. I just want him to go away quietly.

If someday the H that I knew would show up at the door, then I might open it and invite him in. Til then I just want to forget about him completely. Too bad real life doesn't work that way!

ALL of my ASSUMPTIONS about my H were WRONG...

You can't possibly know what he is REALLY thinking and what is REALLY going on with him...


There's still way too much contact. Too much of your knowledge of him..awareness of his ragess..

If this continues, your LOVEBANK will deplete...

A major purpose of PLAN B is to prevent what is going on with you NOW from happening...

ALL SHOULD GO THROUGH THE MEDIATOR..

You need to put safeguards and WALLS for yourself in place, Bugs...
Remember: It's best to PRETEND that he doesn not exist...

I've brought over here an old post of mine from a couple of years ago that Pep had posted on the NOTABLE POSTS THREAD. A lot of it includes what I wanted to say to you tonight.

------------------------------------------------------------

It's almost 3 years since my D-DAY and what a D-DAY it was. Driving down the hotel strip in my town on New Years Eve, I see my H's car and the OW's car parked..seems like the only cars in the parking lot...the desk person MIRACULOUSLY tells me his room number..I knock on the door and he answers in his boxers,saying "I'M ENDING IT RIGHT NOW"...OH WHAT A NIGHT!...I proceed to my car and call everyone I can think of..his best friends... OW calls me on my cellphone and asks me: "Who are you the GD FBI?"(to give you a flavor of her)-guess I ruined her night of fun because my H left her there in the hotel room and so the PROCESS begins....PLAN A..FALSE RECOVERIES...PLAN B...REAL RECOVERY for 2 Years.... This may be more information than you need to know...

I wanted to share this morning because I am coming to a place of putting a lot of this behind me. It is painful to recall those events now (my body began to shake as I typed it) and I really don't have to play that out again much anymore.

My H is genuinely dear to me now. I have had the sweetest and most wonderful weekend with him. He has definitely chosen me. He has filled my life with such pleasant memories over the past two years that, even if something else happens, I feel blessed for having had this special time with him.

In the midst of this weekend, I've been lurking and reading about your trials. These are thoughts that I want to share with you before I get to the point of FORGETTING THE TRAUMAS THAT I EXPERIENCED... My FWH is wiping the pain away...Most importantly, I am becoming STRONG enough in my PERSONAL RECOVERY to not allow those past traumas and memories to intrude and rob me of EXPERIENCING TRUE JOY in my life.

DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE I held on to HOPE AND FAITH for dear life. This was the main thing that kept me going. If not hope for your marriage, maintain hope and faith in your spirit, in your soul, for your own well-being. I turned to MY GOD, to MY PERSONAL SAVIOUR in the midnight hours and constantly and regularly received PERSONAL TOUCHES and MESSAGES from the HOLY SPIRIT. Even if you do not share my religious beliefs, do whatever it takes to remain focused on the LIGHT and not the DARK....DO NOT LET ANYONE ROB YOU OF YOUR HOPE AND FAITH...that is the GOAL OF THE ENEMY....

VIEW THIS AS A SERIES OF BATTLES See yourself as a soldier in a war..a fight for yourself..a fight for your marriage..a fight against the forces of evil...Given your hope and faith (discussed above), BELIEVE that you will be victorious and conquer the ENEMY..ONE BATTLE AT A TIME....

VIEW YOUR WS AS BEING DRUG-ADDICTED My FWH was just as bad, lost,desperate, craved, nasty, smelly as any meth or cocaine addict...This is not a contest that anyone wants to win. But, I bet that I can top any story that the WSes are discussing on the boards lately... At some point in all of this, my FWH was emotionally abusive, at times physically abusive, abandoned me, abandoned his children...all of the above and worse than I can possibly believe at this point...he seemed POSSESSED and EVIL....A MONSTER, at times.. Now I look at him after FULL WITHDRAWAL and his OWN INSISTENCE on USING EXTREME PRECAUTIONS and I can't BELIEVE WHAT I SEE... He is truly the SWEETEST, KINDEST PERSON to me.. For two full years, I have waited for that MONSTER to return.. Early on, their were daily glimpses but as each day goes by he comes closer and closer to being his former self or even better....HE HAS DEFINITELY CHANGED...

LEARN STRATEGIES TO INSULATE YOURSELF FROM THE MONSTER WHO IS NOT REALLY YOUR SPOUSE It's like I learned to enclose myself in a cocoon that he could not penetrate. I would come on here to vent. I would retreat to the bathroom. I would go on LONG DRIVES in my car. It was important not to be swept up into HIS EVILNESS..INTO HIS CRAZY WORLD...That would have legitimized his craziness.. Of course, the eventual PLAN B is perfect sanctuary....

CONTINUE TO EXPOSE... This so freeing..Tell everybody you know. You are in the RIGHT. He is in the WRONG. This is an essential battle strategy. This will get back to one of them and they will continually BE SHAMED. Don't believe that others are supportive of what they are doing...I had fantasies of fencing them in her house so they wouldn't want to come out. This turned out to be truer than I believed at the time. They took back roads and snuck around town while I took the main roads and let everybody know what my H was doing...

A few more thoughts....

LET YOUR WAYWARD SPOUSE GO....FOCUS ON YOURSELF...I really got this after reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by DOBSON although this was pounded into me by others...I came to accept that there was no amount of crying, pleading, explaining, questioning or PLAN Aing that I could do to make my H stop his A..He had to eventually choose to break up with her on his own...He had to be ready...

HE HAD TO HIT HIS BOTTOM This was the reason for the false recoveries..He came back before he was ready..He came back before he had scraped the very bottom of the barrel..He had to come face to face with all that he was losing..He had to come face to face with who the OW REALLY WAS... This is what can happen in PLAN B...

Another one of my thoughts:

When you fail or make a mistake, get right back up on the horse...get back into the battle....

Hey Everyone!

It's been a couple of days and seems like longer since I've posted. 2 reasons for that #1. Really busy #2. Unable to post now except at home.

I have just a few minutes left before taking DD to her first dance class tonight.

First, Mimi, thanks for the above post. I've read it over several times. I've been in a very reflective mood these last couple of days. Not Bad, just reflective. It occured to me that it was 1 year ago this month that Drac changed jobs and met the Ho. How time has flown!

I did write what I was going to post over the last couple of days, but have decided to condense it down. Suffice it to say that I've been thinking about the balancing of letting go and still keeping the hope alive to recover my M. Settling into my OWN home is really helping me with getting on with keeping the focus on me and DD, with DSS as much as possible. Being out of our marital home is a good thing. It's helping me to let go.

Since the move, I have also accomplished so much more at work and am feeling better about being there as well. It's been a long time since I've been able to put in good, full, solid working days VS always stressing in some way, shape or form about Drac.

Are you all sitting there nodding your heads,,,,,, Asking the big question "Is she truly starting to see the light in the darkness?"

I had a talk with M the other night about not wanting or needing to know about every attempt by Drac to make contact. If he emails her directly, she only should pass on what I NEED to know. Nothing more. So, we are calling this being on the "Need to Know Basis".

The fact that he has attempted contact in some way shape or form 19 of the last 22 days is TOO much information. So, Ok, you can all say it out loud "She's finally Getting it!"

Drac still thinks that we should communicate directly, but I am just sending on this direct emails without reading them and having M respond if necessary.

Yesterday were 2 emails and 2 TMs. One of the emails was about him putting my car insurance card in DD's backpack last night. Hmmmmmm, isn't that like sending messages through the kids?? LOL!!! The other email was about a dentist appt, which I had a reply sent.

This morning he sent a picture of DSS in his football jersey as tonight is DSS's first game! I talked to DSS last night to wish him luck and tell him I am sorry I can't be there. He's really excited! He admitted he's also scared. I reassured him it's all good, the excitement and being scared. Soon he's going to crave those feelings all of the time as he gets more comfortable playing.

Gotta run for now, will finish up after DD's class!

Hmm...being as DSS is not your bio child, I'm not sure what to tell you about the pic being sent to you.

I was an intermediary for a time to a couple who are in recovery right now. At one point, the WS tried to send pics of the kids to the BS through me. I responded with something like: "Great pics, but I'm not forwarding them on. It's best that you save them for recovery, when you can share all the pics you want."

It's just another way to keep his toe in the door, Bugs, even though I know you want the pic.

Actually, you can still have the picture...later, if you just forwarded the email on to your sister.

Right now, you need to be even darker. Why not have your mail automatically forwarded to your intermediary? The way it is, IMO, is too tempting for you to take a peek.

LC,

I am going to try to write a rule today to do the auto forward, thanks! I had previously only thought of blocking, which I can't do.

Speaking of tempting to take a peek. Yesterday there was one that he sent, which I could tell just from the subject line what it was. He's sent a link to a news website on an article about a political issue he knows I am interested in. WTH??

There have only been 2 emails of any "personal" nature initiated by him since he moved out 10 months ago. What's up with this?


OOOPPS!! Scratch that. Let me revise what I just wrote. Some UNKNOWN person sent me an email about a political issue that I am interested in. Isn't that strange?

Now, back to MY life and what's important. Tonight am working a bit later and then having a couple of girlfriends over. DD is with Drac for the weekend.

Tomorrow, going to get the daybed and desk from Mom's house and buy myself a mattress set! Time to get MY room in order at the new house.

Saturday night is a bday party for a friend I was not "allowed" to see while married to Drac. I am really looking forward to seeing that entire group of friends that I have not seen in years.

Oh, I had my hair cut the other night and let my hairdresser choose the cut. MISTAKE. I don't like it but am giving it a few days before I call her and have her "fix" it somehow! UGH! I feel like I've lost a few Goddess Points with it, but will get them back. LOL!

Bugs:

19 for 22?

I guess today will be 20 for 23.

He needs you back in his life. And maybe, just maybe, he will start to see that he made a choice that he can recover from, if he acts soon.

The ship has sailed, and there is only so much gas in the tank of the small boat to catch up.

((Bugs))

LG