Thanks for the great input!

Rin,
thanks for the 'admiration' and the caution/reminder that there can be no expecations of anything from Drac.

LG,
I think you are right about the A needing me involved in order for it to survive. You are also right about the next one, and the next one, and the next one. All will end up the same eventually.

He did not see a way home. He still hasn't really hit rock bottom,,,,at least not in the all encompassing way where he would want to reach out. I don't know if he is capable of reaching out should he ever get there. He doesn't understand that love can exist and you can be there for someone no matter what. He doesn't understand that you can hurt each other, you can give & receive pain, but that you can get past those things and that even DURING those things, you can still LOVE. He also doesn't understand real CHANGE.

I don't agree he'd be "all over" any offer from me. Depends on the moment & his current "other" relationship status. He still sees Old Bugs, still blames Old Bugs, still clings to the "fact" that he HAD already moved on before the A. He still has his WS goggles firmly in place, of that I have no doubt.

Lexx is right, It would be a HUGE thing to think he would step up and admit to having been wrong.

The thing is,,,,staying in Plan B or coming out of Plan B isn't going to change any of that. It won't change Drac. Only Drac can change Drac. IF I gave him the opportunity, yes he would likely take, take, take.

But I am not talking about giving him any offers. I am not talking about opening up to him. I am not talking about having phone chats, being friends, exchanging emails, or anything of that nature.

I am talking about how I can have direct, factual email exchanges on the kids. I am talking about how if I am outside working in my yard when he is going to drop off DD, I don't have to rush into the house early enough to avoid him. I need to be able to say hello, be 'normal', and brush off his appearance like I brush off that of a stranger. The best way to say it is like I said before - - I need to "face the Demon".

Can what he sees and experiences impact his willingness to
change? Maybe. Again, not the point here.

Does this make any kind of sense to anyone else?

Makes perfect sense to me Bugs.. sounds like you're right at the point that SDGuy seems to be leading to.. and where I will likely end up a year or so down the road.

You've let go...
You're moving on...

I think your door is still open -should- Drac ever really hit bottom, look up and acknowledge the destruction left in his wake..

However.. the key is.. you -are- moving on with -YOUR- life.. not his.

You've gotten there Bugs.. you're a hero to your kids.. you're Drac's hero too, whether he admits it or not.. to himself or anyone else.. you've stood up to all he could throw at you and come out the other side smiling..

If it means anything.. you're one of my new heros too.

James,

I am sitting here crying right now,,,,



That means SO MUCH to me! Although I have to say I don't really feel deserving of it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Like everyone else here, we are all doing the best we can under the most horrible of circumstances. I think we are all 'heros' in some fashion. Thank you very much for your kind words!

Well, let's see,,,,,updates in my life.

I emailed Drac directly about DD's school pics and asked him how many he wanted to order. Got basic responses from that. No great shakes, no additional comments.

He emailed me about a refund on the property taxes. Said he'd gotten a refund from his overpayment, said he'd send the paperwork last night when he dropped off the kids and asked how I want to "settle up".

I responded and let him know that it took me 6 phone calls and 2 faxes to get it fixed because the form he sent me some time ago showed that they were taxing us for a house on the property when there is none. I wanted him to know that they didn't find the error *I* did and *I* took care of it.

Of course, I got no response or acknowlegement. And you know what? It did not bother me at all because I didn't expect one. I simply stated what I had to say and that was enough for me. I think that's pretty cool! A sign to myself that yes,,,I am doing as well as I thought! LOL!

Drac let me know that he thought they'd be a bit later than 9pm due to the time of the movie, which was fine. I was home when they pulled up and I went to the front door, opened it and looked out. They were getting out of his truck (work truck again). I stood w/the door partly open and then threw it wide when DD walked up the yard. I didn't LOOK at Drac, just did my greetings with the kids.

They came in and I closed the door. I didn't make an effort to "SEE" him or look his way. He was out there for quite a while,,,,doing what, who knows? Who cares? It felt good to me just doing what I wanted to and not giving a hoot about what he did, what he saw, what he thought. Yes, I WAS of course, in perfect Goddess form -- but that was not for Drac's benefit. It was simply what I do/am everyday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He did send the signed realtor contract so we can list that property for sale. He also sent my CS. Funny, it was in an envelope that had stamps on it and just my first initial and last name. It wasn't fully addressed or sealed. The check was dated 10/4. Wonder when he planned to send it? I am sure he post dated it to make it look like he is in full compliance with the court. LOL! I will be documenting that, as I do all of our "interactions" just for future reference if I should ever need it.

We had a snack and stayed up late watching tv. It was a nice night.

Today we are going to work outside and then tonight, we are making popcorn balls and watching Evan Almighty that I just bought on DVD.

SUPER BUGSMOM!!

You're doing great.. and your show of strength doesn't go unnoticed by Drac.. and I assure you it really doesn't go unnoticed by your kids.

You're teaching them right.. how to deal with the really tough conflicts in their lives.. and how to be strong throughout.

You're an amazing woman.. and an inspiration to the lives you touch.

Thanks, James.

Funny that you understand so easily that it was a "show of strength" for me.

Kids and I had a great day. They have been getting along really well. We decorated the house for Halloween, we made popcorn balls & they are watching a Halloween movie.

Drac called an hour early,,, because he's going to a concert and won't be able to call later. I hate to admit it, but that does bother me. I DO wonder who he is going with. I know what concert is tonight in our area, so I know where he is going,,,,,

Guess I am not as "great" as I thought I was,,,,,,

Well, on to tomorrow. We are going to mow the grass (hopefully for the last time) and carve pumpkins.

Naw.. you're still doing great.

And believe me.. I totally understand.. I'm hoping it gets easier with time, but every encounter.. focusing on -not- engaging her is a sheer test of will for me right now.

I alternately want to take her into my arms and not let her go again.. or strangle the ever loving breath out of her for doing what she's doing to this family.

Toss of the coin really.. but in the midst of all that going on within me.. you -have- to portray calmness and strength in the face of all adversity. For yourself, for your kids.. and oddly enough.. for Drac.. that's what everyone needs you to be..

If Drac doesn't notice it directly.. his 'peripherial' vision picks it up.. and it probably frightens him a little bit still.

Don't worry about the trigger.. ultimately ask yourself if it really matters in your life, who he's going with.

If the answer is yes.. back to Plan B to protect yourself. If the answer is no.. well then.. Plan Bugs is working as expected.

You've removed some of the protection that brought you peace for so long.. some of the encounters with him are going to be raw again.. but you knew that, and were ok with opening that door for yourself again.

James,

Ah yes, the old "Love them/hate them" feelings that seem to change moment to moment. I know them well. It does smooth out eventually!

Actually, I ended up doing much better than I had thought for a bit. I didn't really think much about Drac all weekend and his concert companion wasn't on my mind.

Kids and I had a GREAT day yesterday. We decorated the house a bit more, bought pumpkins, carved them, called Grandma & Grandpa who came down while we were carving. Grandpa brought some small pumpkins he'd grown for the kids, so we had plenty to keep us busy. I mowed & raked the yard, too! Got cleaned up and took DSS home.

When we arrived, DD heard FIL down in the far back yard, so she ran down to see him. I got out of the car (in full Goddess wear), walked into the backyard and watched her for a few minutes. They came back up by the house & DD went inside. I stood by the car talking to FIL until DD came out of the house.

Drac walked her out onto the porch and turned to go back in and saw me standing there. I stayed totally focused on DD and FIL. DD wanted to run down into the back again, to see FIL's dog that was in his truck and I told her it was OK. I stood there watching her and then turned and got in the car. Drac stood on the porch watching me the whole time.

I sat in the car, watching for DD,,,,,,,Drac stood leaning on the porch watching. I saw her come up, and leaned into the back seat to help her with her belt. We were smiling and laughing. Drac, still watching,,,,,the entire time until we pulled out. As we did, a song came on the radio about people who cheat - - "Then What?"

Then what?
Whatcha gonna do when the old wears off and the new shines thru,
and it ain't really love & it ain't really lust,
You ain't anybody anybody's gonna trust!
Then what?
Where you gonna turn when you can't go back for the bridges you've burned and fate can't wait to kick you in the butt,
Then What?

It felt like a sign - - that I did EXACTLY the right thing by just doing "my" thing and giving him EXACTLY the amount of attention he deserves - NONE.

I had made arrangements for DD to spend her day off on Friday with Drac's Aunt & Granddaughter. She really misses them. Well, apparently Drac had made other plans, telling DD that she would be spending the entire day with him. Of course he'd told me nothing of this. He did send an email last night, but I haven't bothered to read it yet.

She doesn't really want to spend the day with him, but she won't tell Drac that because she "doesn't want to hurt his feelings". You'd think he'd be able to see it and do the right thing for her,,,,but that isn't going to happen and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. That's his to figure out.

Well, let's hope it's a good week. I have to travel 2 days this week and am not really looking forward to it, but that's the way it goes.

Am feeling pretty darn good in Bug's Plan Land. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Wow.. see.. this is why you're one of my new heroes.

You're so strong.. it's amazing to me to even hear about you being able to will yourself to do these things in front of him.. and then for me the song would have been a huge trigger.. but you responded completely differently..

I'm amazed by how well you are doing.

I know you said I was doing well but Bugs.. you're off the charts.

Glad to hear Plan Bugs is working for you.. heck, I almost wonder if it isn't working better than Plan B on some of the other people involved. Time will tell though.. I'm going to have to make some photocopies to get pages out of your book.. I like the way it reads.

Keep the faith.. and keep being a great mom.

I don't know what has quite gotten into me, but I think part of it is remembering my own power. The power I felt very strongly in Plan A. Perhaps it's a bit like Sis,,,the feeling of needing to DO Something. Yet, what I want to DO isn't anything other than be free to be more ME.

Does that make any kind of sense? I have grown and changed,,,grown stronger through this last year. The darkness of Plan B felt a bit stifling. I do 'have' to deal with Drac because of DD and I am finally strong enough to do that,,, Thanks in great part TO being in Plan B.

For instance today, I finally got around to reading Drac's email about this coming Friday, saying he planned to get her Thursday night and asking if she had dance class. He 'admonished' me by saying that "In the future when you are out of town or DD has a day off school, I need to be made aware of the plans for her". In plan B darkness that comment would have gone unanswered.

Today, I stood up for myself by letting him know that he is WELL aware of the fact that I DO inform him of the plans for DD. I then let him know that he needed to pick her up on Friday because "as he is already aware" I will be out of town Wed and would like to see her Thurs pm and Fri am before she leaves for the weekend.

His reply included an offer to 'save time' by picking her up at my office and that "we need to do a better job of communicating when it comes to DD". Well, I have news for him. I communicate JUST FINE, thank you very much. The fact that he doesn't like the way the world now works it just too bad. It's the world he chose to create.

I then sent him a list of EVERY early out or day off for the entire school year (non-holidays only), and gave him the choice of 'x' number of days that he would want to have her. He had to counter with questions. He just can't stand not trying the back & forth with me. He doesn't get much in response and then gets pissy about it. It just makes me laugh.

The last response from him was asking if the days she is early out, does she have dance or gymnastics. When I said a simple "yes", his reply was "well, not a lot can be done about it. Does she have any competitions?"

Not a lot can be done about it? How about he mans up and comes to take her to CLASS if he so wants to be involved and spend time with her??!! Is he wanting/expecting me to ASK him to do this or is he still just that self absorbed?

I don't know yet about any competitions or recitals - if I had, I would have let him know. I just can't wait for him and his latest Ho to show up at something! GAG!

I went to see my chiropractor today. He immediately asked me if I have been under any stress lately. I laughed out loud!!

Think I need to go soak in the tub for a while,,,,but will have to wait til DD goes to bed. Is it 8pm yet??!!

Bugs:

You are doing so well. I have recently been going to divorce care a christian based program to help you get through all the feelings that divorce brings about. I highly suggest you look online and find one in your area.

My dd is in the divorce care for kids program and it has helped her out alot. She has learned that it's okay for her to feel upset and for me to be happy, or for her to be happy and me to be upset.

She has been dealing with her anger and I have made tons of friends. The group has helped alot.

Congrats on no training wheels. I hope yours is not the daredevil like mine. Mine decided to ride her bicycle off of a 5ft high wall and onto the street with a car coming. Just a few scrapes, but survived.

My dd is so much happier since our WS has not been calling. I'm sure that as time goes by and Drac doesn't call as often you will see this as well.

I read Hebrews 12:1-3 where we are to be patient with God. Don't try to run a race, but learn to listen for him.

And then Exodus 2 where moses kept wanting to know the answer right now, and God told him to be patient that he didn't need to know everything that God would be handling it.

That's how it is for us. We don't need to know why our WS or XWS are doing something. We just need to pray for them. God is dealing with them in HIS own way. We must be patient and stay christ centered and watch as our cups overflow with the spiritual gifts.

One thing we discussed at my meeting tonight is that there is always a guilty party and an innocent party. The person who is guilty and causes the divorce will suffer in the end. THis is because they keep sinning more and more. They did not have God's permission to divorce us. And even though it is final, it is still against God's words. THey will reap what they sow. Then if they do come back they must repent, and they must come back begging for mercy from us and from God.

God on the other hand, will heal our broken hearts. He will bless us, and he will count every tear shed.

There are two things in life you can be sure of.....

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU MAY THINK AND YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

Hey INeed!

Glad you are getting great support at DivorceCare!

I've had a couple of pretty good days. Every morning there's been a fabulous sunrise to remind me the beauty and awesome power of God first thing in the morning! I've been feeling at peace and safe/strong with my personal power, supported by God.

Yesterday I spent some time 'reclaiming my territory' so to speak. I am moving my office back closer to the 'main' office in our area. I went to the main place to get my new office/building keys yesterday,,,,and Drac's car was in the parking lot. Seems he was there for a meeting.

Instead of worrying the whole time about avoiding him or even being concerned or nervous ABOUT seeing him, I went about my business calm, cool, collected, BugsStyle. Talked to lots of folks,,,,heard lots of compliments & how everyone is glad I'll be 'close' by again! Never did see Drac.

But when I walked out of that building (which I helped design the interior by the way), I felt GREAT! It was really re-claiming what was mine before Drac came along. It was a sense of power that I hadn't felt in a while and I really liked it. I moved some things into my new office and will complete the move when I get back from my trip on Friday.

I re-scheduled my parent/teacher conference for Fri am, and pushed back Drac's picking up DD from my office Fri morning until later. No big deal there.

These last few days I just feel the Lord telling me to be still and be patient. Go about my business, knowing that HE is dealing with Drac. I really get the sense that there are things at work with him right now. Like a few others I've read lately, despite the 'real' world believing it's time to totally move on, it doesn't seem right.

It is just little things, little feelings, little nudges that give me that sense, but I can't quite explain it. It's like the song that played when leaving his house Sunday or the song on the radio when the alarm went off this morning. Both used to be 'negative' triggers, but now they give me hope. Maybe it's more of a sign about ME, than about HIM?? Either way, it is better for me than it used to be, so I'll be happy with that.

So Plan Bugs continues, doing my thing, living my life, but I am willing to leave the future open. No dating for me. No desire, No interest. I still have belief/hope that his day of awakening is coming. We shall see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now, off to finish packing!

Bugs:

You really are a remarkable person, aren't you?

"heard lots of compliments & how everyone is glad I'll be 'close' by again"
"which I helped design the interior"

Previously, you stated that your current office wasn't all that great, so it good to know that you moving back.

And then you got to do this:

"I need to "face the Demon"

And he ain't all that scary. As scary as he thinks he is. He's not spinning his head and spitting green vomit.

He's just a 40 year old man with two failed marriages, a number of other bad choices for R with women, and the thought that it isn't HIS fault.

But it's really easy to do when you realize that it was HIS choice to do what he did.

(((BugsMom))) (((Bugs)))

LG

LG is soooo right Bugs!

Your "demon" is rather pathetic isn't he?

Bugs:

You are so right. God will tell you when it is time to move on. You get different feelings. You just have to remember to stay in HIS word daily, and to keep your eyes open for different ways he speaks.

Billboards, church signs, trucks, Liscence plates, road signs, other people, and even through HIS WORD.

It seems he talks to me for awhile and then sits back. Just like a normal father does. He gives us a push in the right directions, and then waits to see if we walk there or if he needs to steer us again.

You are doing great. One thing I did was to put scripture over HIS pictures. I can still look at them if I really need to see his face, but the scriptures strengthen me daily.

You are blessed and so are your children. Remember, God will not lead him home unless Drac answers HIS calling. It may take time, but keep it always in prayer. Don't forget to fast now and then, and to have someone else pray with you as well.

The nice thing is that God does not blame us for the divorce. He is there to comfort us and to strenghten us.

I found out yesterday when the fuel man brought me my fuel, that my WS cheated on me way before he ever left. It was another knife to my gut. But I was able to say Thank you lord anyway. I know that when and if WS comes back he will have to repent of this now as well. It also explained why my friend never calls me anymore. I always call her and she tells me she'll call back. Guess the guilt got to her.
I told her that my WS had a thing for her after my Best friend had told me that He had mentioned it. She didn't tell me who, but I figured it out. Because he may take DD over to see her kids, I thought it only appropriate to warn her especially since she had just gotten married. Needless to say that's the last time I heard from her.

It is funny how the bible tells us more and more that the end days will come. It says before it happens that the world will be more, Me, myself and I. This is exactly what has the divorce rate up so high. We are just another statistic in Satan's plot, but the Lord knows he has us.

We talked on monday about why god says "I hate divorce."
My reply was that God said to Moses that the only way he allows divorcement is that someone has a hardened heart. So of course he hates divorce, because he knows that one of the couple involved has turned to the other side, sometimes even both. THe will of God for us is to bring all things together through christ. THis goes against god's will.

So we can pray and we can listen to God's will for our lives. Listen to him tell us when to go on. Remember to always listen or you may miss the best God has instore for you. I believe that as you pray for Drac, if it's not right God will give you that feeling. Just trust in him, and keep going with your faith.

God plans the best for us. He knew we would be able to handle this divorce. He knew it would make us stronger in HIM and HIS word. You are on the right path...just watch for the footsteps.

(((((BUGS))))))

LousyGopher!

Good to see you popping you head out of the cup of the 18th green!! Thanks for that!

I laughed out loud envisioning Drac spewing pea soup! But in MY vision it doesn't spew all over me, it just dribbles down his chin!

Lexxxy,,,

You are so right. More like a child in a Halloween costume than anything else.

INeed,

Thanks for the spiritual support, as always! Hope you are doing as well as you sound.

Well, business went well. I took my first trip across the Canadian border. Glad they let me back across! LOL!

While I was gone, Drac had parent/teacher conference. He sent me a TM, which apparently was the minute he walked out of the conference. It said

"We have the perfect daughter".

Can anyone say DUH?! I was at dinner when I got it and I almost couldn't eat after. I wanted to tell him that yes, we DO have the perfect daughter and she deserves MUCH BETTER than she is getting from her Father right now!

Instead, I had another glass of wine for 'dessert'.

When he dropped her off that night, Mom told me he pulled into the driveway for the first time vs stopping in the street in front of the house. I find that a bit interesting.

Was that his "counter show of strength" or what?

This morning I have parent/teacher conference. Then, am taking DD with me to the office for Drac to pick her up. I haven't decided how I want to play that scenario yet. There's a very long hallway he'll have to come down to my office, unless he comes to my back door. I am thinking of having her stuff ready and sending her down the hallway by herself to meet him while I stay in my office. I think it's a nice counter to the previous visibility I gave him.

Although, he may have DSS with him, and will probably just send him into the building to get her.

The thing is, I don't want him to start to get the impression that I am wanting or needing to see him in any way. I don't want him thinking we are now going to be what HE envisioned as the "great, friendly co-parents". I'm not there by any means.

Have lots of work to do, then a hair cut this afternoon, and then party preparations to complete. I am getting excited about my very first party in the new place.

Gotta run & get some weekly reports in to the boss.

Sounds to me like you're firmly in control of Plan Bugs.. so don't allow Drac to have so much power over you that you feel like you need to calculate your every move around him. The whole point I thought was getting back to being you.

If you don't want to see him, don't. If it doesn't matter to you then why should you give it the energy to consider. Do what comes naturally at this point.. well, apart from pushing stickpins through the soft fleshy parts of his body.

Keep your head up Bugs.. you're doing wonderful!

James,

Funny,,,, I was thinking some of those same thoughts to myself as I was writing that post.

Yes, trying to decide what I want to do based around him does him Drac power, you are right. However, in thinking about this, I am not doing it from the place of "fear" that I used to be in. I am doing it from my place of power. Deciding how I want my interactions to go with him for ME.

Hard to explain, but deciding what I want to do without totally focusing on avoiding him feels good to me. Yes, I do think about his reaction, but mostly it is about what *I* feel like doing at that particular time. What will make me come out of the potential interaction feeling good and strong?

SOMEDAY I will get to the place of not thinking about the interactions at all,,, I will just go through the process.

I am just not there yet.

BTW- - push pins made me think of that beer commercial where the woman is holding the voodoo doll of the guy over a lighter!! LOL! Too bad, but I don't think that fire destroys Dracula does it?? he he!

Thanks for the great observations!

Hi Bugs!!! Sounds like you're doing great!! I second that motion on being a hero! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll be getting my new computer soon and look out I'll be all over teh place again!

I have a little message for you and all those that helped me along the way on my thread...LG, that goes for you too man!

And all the rest of you! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

Anyway, I was just dropping by!!! Checking in...

I'm sneaking around at work when I do post... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I WOULD HATE TO GET IN TROUBLE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, always thinking about you, my fellow Angel!!!

Take care! Enjoy the weekend!!

Hehe.. that beer commercial is funny.. and yes.. fire does sometimes destroy vampires. I think sunlight works best... but our particular vampires seem to have survived exposure.

The demons are definiately in control of the waywards at this point.

It's funny.. I was just posting on my thread about recognizing the ways I've grown stronger.. and identifying the next steps I need to take to continue to build that personal strength.. or at least where I want to be, even if I haven't figured out how to get there yet.

You're so much further down the path than I am Bugs.. and I guess that's where my admiration comes from a lot of the time. I honestly figure my situation, will more than likely end up much like yours, LilSis, SDGuy and Strivin here.. I keep up with all your threads.. and while it's discouraging to think that this might be how it turns out for me.. it is also very encouraging to see people making such wonderful personal recoveries. Something I'm going to have to do regardless of whether or not IQ unthaws.

Here's to the new Killer B's.. from a junior member still trying to figure out the password to the clubhouse.

Bugs:

THings could be much worse... Mine met someone online Oct 5th, and moved in 1 wk later. Found out they are getting married.

WS didn't bring DD home tonight, and now I have to worry will he ever bring her home. His moods and emotions are all wacky...

Just remain calm and remember that God is your pilot and you are the Co-pilot. Never do anything without consulting him first. We are thrown so many stumbling blocks and HE loves to see how we handle it.

We can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us !!!!