Morning all!

Rin,

Can't wait for you to get that computer at home so I can read "LMAO" all weekend, too! he he!

James,

Passwords are automatically distributed as needed. LOL!

INeed,

Honey, do what you gotta do to get your DD and protect her. Your WH is not trustworthy, so don't give him your most precious posession again!!

Period. End of Story.

DD had a PERFECT report at the parent/teacher conference. I will have to agree with Drac on that,,,she is perfect! LOL! When we were driving to my office that morning, she told me that she "Knows" I am going to get married again someday. Of course as we talked about that, it came out that in her mind, it will be to Drac again. She doesn't tell HIM any of those thoughts & concerns,,,just me. That's OK. We'll work through it together.

My weekend was really good. Party was a success. Mom & I spent Sat. getting ready for it. Had a nice turn out,,,,and I didn't think some of them would ever leave! LOL! It was after 3am! Boy was I tired.

Sun. morning there was a real estate auction my Mom wanted us to go to. She met my sister & BIL at my house early, but didn't wake me (atleast not on purpose). I got up at 8:45 and made it to the sale shortly after they did. Wearning the post party outfit of a baseball cap & sunglasses!! LOL!

I was glad I went! I got a box of wine glasses for $2, a baker's rack for the kitchen for $22 and a 7.5ft Christmas tree,,,in the box,,,never been opened for $37.50!!

Came home, cleaned up the rest of the party mess, and took a nap for an hour. Drac dropped off DD. I was glad I was upstairs,,,he parked in the driveway and carried some things in for her and set them inside the door. Got his first look inside my house.

I came down and he was getting back into his car. Funny how he takes a LOT of time when he goes back to his car. This time he could see in the house a bit as the blinds were open. I just spent time talking to DD, looking at her 'stuff', and hearing all about the Halloween party they went to. It was a good 2 or 3 minutes before he pulled out. Don't know what that's about.

I think I was being "punished" over the weekend for DD calling late on Thursday when I was out of town. He did not have the kids call either night as he is supposed to. I had to call them BOTH nights after giving them over an hour past time. *Whatever* I don't have time, patience, or care enough to play those kind of games with him.

DD will call him tonight, on schedule.


Gotta get ready for work,,,,,how the time flies when I sit down here at the computer!

Have a great week, all!

Been a few days since I've had the strength to come look at other people's sitch..

Sounds like you're still doing good.. congrats on having such a wonderful kid. It's no suprise to the rest of us she's doing great with a super mom like you.


Keep up the good work on Plan Bugs.. not sure what I'm going to call my plan yet, but it's in the development stage right now.. I'm pretty sure it's all Plan D.. but I've got to do it the right way for my kids. Whole new set of books to study up on.

Hey James,

I was a bit surprised to hear from you, as I do understand that when we are individually in crisis, it's hard to look at other threads. That's OK. Glad you are hanging around.

Well, Drac emailed me last night about changing insurance coverages from me covering everyone to him doing it. I had held off, because I did not want the kids to possibly go without coverage. I was waiting for him to confirm he was on top of taking it over.

I didn't read his message til this morning. I got it taken care of first thing this am and emailed him to that effect, letting him know that I delayed because I did not want him and the kids to possibly be without coverage.

He had also emailed early this am with DSS's name as the subject line. Seems a note came home with DSS last night from school - a 13yr old boy in his school committed suicide over the weekend! I was Devastated to read that. I wondered what was up last night when I spoke w/DSS and he said he was playing checkers with Drac.

The note said the usual things about supporting your kids, talking to them, helping them deal with their feelings. Drac did talk to DSS,,, he knew the boy but not well. DSS said the boy had been picked on a lot at school (very much like DSS in the past). Drac talked to him about how this year was going with DSS socially (he said DSS hadn't said much this year to him - well DUH, he never said anything to DRAC, he ALWAYS talked to ME about those things). Anyway, he's doing better this year (which *I* already knew), and he even told Drac about a girl he likes (which *I* already knew). Drac then gave me an update on DSS's grades.

First and foremost I was crushed to hear of such a young life being gone and under such horrible circumstances. It has bothered me ALL day. Second, I thought of DSS, how he would be feeling/thinking, etc. Third, I was TOTALLY taken aback that Drac shared this all with me. Just a couple of weeks ago he was reminding me of having NO LEGAL rights to DSS, and in the past talked about how I am not a good mom to DSS. WTF? Was it just a general update to the person who sometimes has care of his son?

I thought a lot about it. In the meantime, he sent ANOTHER email asking if I had changed car insurance.

I checked the school website to see if they had anything posted about the boy who died, but they did not. However, they did have information where you can now sign up to get information on your child's grades & homework status on line.

After considering it, I chose to reply to Drac's email. I told him how upset I was to hear about the boy who died. I also shared with him (in a nice way) that I already knew about DSS's social sitch (that we continue to talk) and that it was good that DSS shared the same with Drac.

I then asked if he had signed up for the on-line information, which was what I really wanted to communicate to him, with the hope he would use it.

Here was his reply -

"I know exactly what you mean. I did not sleep at all last night. I thought of all DSS has been through over the years with those same kids. To think what could have been going thru that child's mind! What a waste of youth.

Thanks for the return"

I don't know now if I am sorry that I opened that door or not. I have some opinions but am keeping them to myself right now. Anyone want to chime in with their thoughts on Drac's interactions?

What a sad story. I hope it has a profound effect on those who are the "bullies" in this story. How very very sad.

As far as Drac goes -- I think its a bit of a shame that you're in contact with him. I think it alleviates his rightful guilt feelings.

He needs you to meet his conversation and family support needs. And he would be quite happy to have you meet ONLY those needs. So I think these interactions don't really do much for a reconciliation plan.

Are you in a place where you only want the "happy co-parent" relationship? If so, good.

And I think it would be possible for you to nurture this into more. However, it doesn't bring Drac back broken and remorseful -- which is a requirement, IMO, for a true MB recovery.

I think Lexxxy is probably right on the mark here..

If you're at a point where you want to co-parent with him, these are the kinds of discussions you will have.

If you're still hoping to have him back.. you might get it this way, but he won't come through the door sorry about what he did.

Hi Bugs-

This is kind of OT but I wanted to let you know about a great organization that is focused on preventing teen suicide. It was started by some parents who lost their son to suicide.

www.yellowribbon.org

Just FYI

JT,

Thanks for the link,,, I am going to check that out. I really feel the need to "do" something in regards to the sitch and becoming more educated is something I strive to do in everything. This will certainly help!

Lexxy,,



You are right on the mark with what I was thinking, too. He does very much need me to meet those needs and perhaps is realizing it himself for the first time.

Am I ready to just co-parent with him? No. Honestly I am not. I thought a lot about that over the last week or so. No one else would know, prior to him saying it, that he hadn't slept at all over what happened. I knew how he'd be feeling and that he'd want to 'talk' about it. Obviously, he did. And yes, I gave him that chance.

Could this be fostered into something? Perhaps. Yet, I do realize, as you say, it would not bring him to the place of true remorse for what he has done. Not only is that a "requirement" for a true MB recovery, that is a Bugs Requirement. There can never be any recovery without that. Period. End of Story.

Since that brief email exchange, I have gone quiet and dark again. I intend to stay that way. He dropped off DD last night,,,I opened the door to let her in and immediately closed it, turning my back on him. He was standing in the drive and I saw from the corner of my eye that he turned at the same time.

He did his usual thing of taking an inordinate amount of time pulling out. I think perhaps he noticed the car parked across the street in front of my house. I had a friend over. A male friend. He's someone I've known for 15 years and we have been co-workers. He's just a friend, but I am pretty sure he wants to be more. My brother was also here, so it wasn't anything "datelike". He was in the area for work and stopped by to see my new house.

I told him last night that although I am now single, I am no where near being ready to see anyone and I don't know how long it would be before I am. He knows I have always been very straight forward & I even said that I don't know any other way to be. He was very nice about it and said that he knows we are just friend and that's ok with him.

So,,,,,,,,,,,,while it is nice to know someone is interested, it is really really weird for me to have to "think" in terms of how to handle these kinds of situations again! I don't really like it.

Well, you know I can't relate to being divorced.

But, if you are wanting to reconcile which I think is a REAL possibility if YOU CHOOSE to go that route, I recommend sticking to DARKNESS.

That includes NOT filling him on YOUR PLANS about dating...DARK....let him think that you are OVER him..MOVING ON.. UNLESS he complies with your conditions..what you do with your life NOW is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS....

You've already filled him in on all of this stuff, Bugs..He knows THE DEAL...

He wants it HIS WAY...FRIENDLY CONVERSATION/COPARENTING...and eventually he will be wanting SF...with NO STRINGS..YUCK...

Don't set yourself to be USED by him...DRAW YOUR LINE IN THE SAND...

Again, I admit that I am not reading closely and may have missed something...

Mimi,

Sooo good to "hear" from you. Glad you are still popping in from time to time, but I am also glad you are giving DH the bulk of your time/attention. Very Cool!

You really didn't miss anything,,,,

In fact when you said this



I think you are right on the money. If I opened up to him I am fairly sure this is EXACTLY where it would go. He is still all about him, his way, his 'needs'. Not one hint of any giving on his part.

I do wonder from time to time on "IF" reconciliation is a possibility. I am still of the mind that I would like to think so. However, I don't focus on it.



He is not privy to anything having to do with MY life. I have shared nothing with him at all in this regard. I have had to let him know when I go out of town - the majority of the time it's been business, but I did take a personal weekend trip recently.

The only way he would know anything would be if anything were mentioned by mutal co-worker friends (which I doubt) OR if DD/DSS mention anything or he asks them (which I don't believe he does). I don't think he really cares at this point what I am doing & I am not really concerned.

I did have a talk with a friend about Drac's email re:DSS. Their opinion was also that he "needs" me for that reassurance, conversation, family support. I explained to them my feeling on that is this - Drac no longer deserves MY BEST or ANY part of me for that matter. He gave that up when he chose to have his A and then refused to work on our M. I showed him my best, despite his A, and he still chose to walk away.

So, while I am not going to sit and twiddle my thumbs while hoping he will be thumped over the head (or hit with that shovel) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, I am not ready to enter the "real dating world". I will spend time with friends - - both male & female. I will do what I want, with the people I want to. Just living my life. It's really a pretty good one, too!

Who knows,,,,like I've always told my single friends - Love always seems to be found just when you stop watching and looking for it! Maybe that will happen to me, too!

WONDERFUL MINDSET!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Standing Ovation!!!!!!!!

HI! Missing you and seeing that you are doing fine!!

Good for you!

Thanks, Mimi! That mindset is working for me, so I'm stickiing with it!

Hey Rin! Thanks for the standing O. Don't know that it's truly deserved, as I do think about Drac waay too much, but I'll take it just the same.

2 emails from Drac late today.

One asking what time I am picking up DSS tomorrow, as he will be at the Aunt's house & he'll let her know what time.

My response - "Don't know. I will call her"

Second email was about transfer of a payment responsibility from me to him. He said he had the paperwork and that "he didn't know" if I'd already made the change. Do I need the paperwork.

My response - yes

He already knew this was something he was to be taking care of this! DUH!

So, not totally dark, but definately giving him the indifferent, short & to the point attitude! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Need to run DD to dance class. Will ck in with everyone's threads later.

You're doing great Bugs..

Off to my first appt with IC tonight.. I'll update my thread to let you know how it goes. Just wanted to drop in and say that you're doing -awesome-

Hey all!

Friday night was an annual event for the local work office that Drac & I always attended together until last year. Last year he was working elsewhere with the HO. This year, 'somehow' I wasn't 'offically' invited. So, it felt in a way that he 'took' some of what I always felt was part of MY territory.

I decided yesterday that while it would take very little effort on my part to be 'offically' invited, I was going to just let it go. Several folks asked if I was going, but I told them I had the kids for the weekend, so no.

I talked to the Aunt, and God Bless Her, she means well, but I can't seem to get her to shut up about Drac. She gets on a roll and doesn't stop. Seems his mother would like to "just slap" me in the face. No big surprise there. She only has Drac's spin on things, and frankly, she's not the brightest bulb in the first place. It bothers me a bit,,,, as I was always VERY good to her but it's not a big deal.

Drac has stated that I need to "get my $hit together" when it comes to DD and his rights to have her - - I need to "read the divorce papers". I just laughed at that. It didn't fly with the Aunt, either. She knows he's just trying to make me look like the a$$ that HE really is.

Those things bothered me, I will admit, but not like it has in the past. I didn't feel the strong need to *do* anything about it other than recognize my feelings and then let it go.

Drac only had me pick up DSS at the Aunt's house to keep me away from his place. So stupid! I ended up having to take DSS up there to get some jeans for this weekend. I stayed in the car,,,I have no real desire to go in there as it would hurt too much. Plus, I think it's important to show him that I didn't go in, even when I had the chance. I think it makes more of the impression of my having moved on. At least that is my hope.

I really do want him to believe that, even if it isn't really true ,,,yet.

I know I shouldn't waste time wondering about what he thinks, or planning MY actions around what he may or may not think - -- I AM getting better at it. I just am not all of the way there yet. I have a feeling that when I finally arrive at the place where I no longer consider those things that I will be DONE for good.

I will own up to the fact that I laughed when I saw he does have a For Sale sign on the boat! I would love it if I had the money to give a friend to go buy it!!

He told DSS that when they called last night, he might not answer because he had a "work meeting". I did say well no, it's a work "party". Turns out he did answer and talked to them. It does bother me a bit that I wasn't there. I am sure my absence was a topic of discussion around the party off and on.

I am going to hate having to hear all about it next week. We have the rescheduled customer golf outing Monday. I am attending early but then am leaving for an out of town business trip, so I won't be there for the after golf party. That is probably just as well. I held up great last time,,,,but that was prior to Plan B being in full force.

We had a GREAT night,,,,,made pizza from scratch. Each one gets to make their own pizza and put on all of their own toppings. They decided that each week we should all cook together and make something "from scratch". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We are doggy sitting for my sister. This morning brought some excitement when Sassy crawled under the fence and we could not find her. I almost had a heart attack! Thank God DSS found her!!

We are getting ready to go visit a local wildlife shelter - they even have bald eagles. Then tonight we are going to a professional hockey game. They are very excited.

So, off to the shower.

Now -that- is awesome. I -love- hockey but we've got bumpkis up here in the land of corn and basketball.

My brother and I are big Sabres and Red Wings fans.. but honestly I try to get to Chicago for a 'hawks game about once a year.. haven't since I got married though.. weird.. I may have to get to planning that trip.. besides, I need an excuse to hit Gino's East and get some -real- Chicago pizza.

Okokok.. enough threadjack..

Sounds like you're doing good and staying strong. Dogsitting is always an adventure, and I'm sure the excitement provided some good distractions.

Sorry to hear about the xMIL being difficult.. I'm hoping that all the things my IL's are saying aren't just talk..

Funny thing happened.. heard from FIL on the phone Friday.. apparently even WW's younger sister is against the separation, the A, and all of it.. which is weird because she's well.. kind of a ho bag herself.. but it is amusing nonetheless. I'm holding out hope that my IL's will still be there beyond the D.. but I can see the writing on the wall if the WW really is preggo.

Dangit.. T/J again.. I'll try to avoid that in the future.. just letting the thoughts flow.. how was the wildlife shelter and the hockey game?

Don't worry too much about the party or what happened there or who said what.. it honestly doesn't matter.. you had better things to do anyway.

Anyhow.. just dropped in to repay the favor and send hugs and support.. you really are doing well.

(((((Bugs)))))

James,

It's perfectly ok to TJ about hockey - it's my favorite sport and we are perfect rivals - - Go Blues!!!

Took DSS home last night. We stopped at the Aunt's house for a visit first - it didn't look like Drac was home yet. At the regular time, DD walked up to Drac's and I took the car with DSS. Turns out he was home, but parked on the lower part of the drive,,,,with a new washer and dryer on the trailer behind his SUV.

FIL was standing outside, Drac was inside. I got out, got DSS's stuff out of the trunk, gave hugs and said bye to him. Talked to FIL for a minute and told DD "let's go". She hadn't seen Drac yet, so I told her to bring me her Halloween bag she'd gotten from the Aunt. Just at that time Drac walked out the basement door.

I took DD's bag, went and put it in the car, walked around and got in the driver's side. He watched until DD ran up to him. He kept focused on her,,,but did give a sideways glance to see what I was doing. He finally put her down and the stared right at me.

I sat there in my Diva Glasses and looked right back til DD got in the car. I helped her with her seat belt, and as I turned around, he turned and walked inside.

It was HARD for me. I look at him and see a man I still love. DAMN!

This am, my cell phone rang and I didn't get to it in time to answer. It was the phone of Drac's that DSS uses now. I call RIGHT back,,,,it rang several times and DRAC answered.

I calmly said, "I thought that DSS called".

Drac mumbled something I couldn't understand and then immediately gave the phone to DSS. He's left his shaving kit bag here and was asking me about getting it to him. I said that I would, have a good week, I love you.

Now, DSS was leaving me a VM when I was calling back. WHY did DRAC answer the phone??? UGH.

Am not sure if Drac is going to be at the golf outing I am going to later. I will find out and if so, I will have someone there give him DSS's bag.

OR

Should I walk up and do it myself?

Opinions????

(((Bugs)))

I know what you mean about still seeing the man you love. Unfortunately it's just the outershell of the men we knew. There is not much inside. It still makes me twinge when I see my WH.

About DSS's bag I would do whatever makes YOU feel more comfortable. If you think you can handle giving it directly to him do it with Goddess attitude. If not that's okay too.

Thinking of you

Still

Thanks, Still.

Turns out that despite being all prepared to hand it over "Goddess Style", it didn't matter. Drac chose not to attend the tournament. That settled that.

I'd "like" to think that he didn't attend because it would be too hard for him to see ME in MY element, having fun, being admired by others. But, the truth is I have no idea why he chose not to come & even if the above is true, it's doubtful he'd admit to that,,even to himself. He's still justifying.

He did send me an email that morning,,,,asking about my travel plans - if I was going out of town that day or the next week. He also asked my plans for DSS's bag and said "Is there anything I can possibly do to help?"

That threw me for a loop for a while that day.

I made arrangements for FIL to get the bag and take it home with him. I emailed Drac, responded short & sweet that I was out of town this week and next week. Then informed him that Dad would bring DSS's bag home.

No response from Drac and no other communication from him.

Funny that he made a seemingly 'nice' offer to help out after seeing me again,,,,,,, am trying really, really hard not to read anything into that, but it is hard.

Gotta get DD ready for school.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

"What's a ghost's favorite cereal"


BOO-berries! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

LOL!

(((((Bugs)))))

Happy Halloween to you too.

I'm starting to get worried about you though, that you're concerning yourself far too much with what he's thinking about.

Yeah.. I know I'm -way- guilty of making assumptions for other people's thoughts and motivations too.. but look at the turmoil I'm putting myself through every day with this crap.. you're way farther ahead of me here.. you've got the final D.. time to stop worrying about Drac and his demons.. like it's time for me to stop worrying about IQ and hers.. we've got our own to slay.. and once -that- is done.. we can get on with our lives. Without our WS's.. or with them if they get to the finish line at our doorsteps in time. But ultimately, it's their race to lose.. not ours.

James,

You are right in giving too much thought to what he's thinking about. That continues to be a work in progress for me. The good news is that although I still do it, I have progressed to the point where it doesn't rule my life and my every waking thought the way it used to.

I continue on with my life, my plans, doing what I want/need/like to do for me, DD and DSS. I keep up the prayers for Drac,,,,letting God deal with him. I no longer think so much in terms of what I can/should/want to do with/for/because of him. Yes, it happens from time to time,,,like what to do about DSS's bag. Yet, I have graduated from sitting at the window, watching for his car lights when he pulls up to drop off DD each week. Now, I just go about my business that night and when she walks in the door, she walks in the door.

I had plenty of time during my 2 hour lay over the other day to do some meditating, praying, self reflection. I keep Drac offered up to God for Him to deal with. I ended up the other day with a visual of God and I walking down MY path. I saw the path I have been on over this last year. The times I sat and cried. The times he gently lifted and carried me. The times when I've had the strength to stand and walk. The times I was silly enough to try to walk on my own.

I saw clearly the path right now,,,God & I walking side by side,,,hand in hand down the path that He directs. We then came to a very thick hedge. I stopped and waited. I let Him lift his arm to clear back the hedge.

I didn't see clearly what was on the other side. It looked at first like Drac was there, but then it became foggy. I know He was just letting me know that it is up to him when he reveals this to me and that I need only trust that whatever awaits me on the other side is what he has planned for me.

I've said it before, and I will say it again. I know that when I completely stop having ANY thoughts about Drac's actions/thoughts/emotions/motivations,,,, I will truly be DONE. No more possibilities of an open door should he ever choose to stand at the doorstep.

I'm not there ,,,,,, yet.