How long does it take someone to make a decision? My H has been in this affair for over a year now and still can't decide if he wants her or me. How can someone possibly live in indecision for that long? How can he not decide. If she was so wonderful and his soulmate etc why is he not making a decision to be with her and if she is not all those things why is he not home with me? Can someone tell me the answers to these questions?

i can't answer your question because i'm in the same boat...affair is a little over a year old, i just had him leave and he is still waffling..very discouraging....<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it to. His "indecision" is keeping you both in the picture. As long as he can have both of you in his life things are status quo for him. That makes him very selfish. No one should be so frivolous with another persons feelings. I know that I sound bitter but my W is involved with another man and telling me that it is over. I wish that there was some words that someone could say that would make things for you better but I don't know of any at this point. I'm sorry.

Right. He wants both and he's not going to decide until one of you decides for him. I guess it's just a question of how much pain you can take until you force the decision. Good luck.

Delphi hit the nail on the head. This is my situation too, although there are periodic "rumblings" of his filing for divorce (I'll believe it when I see it).<P>There are two general possibilities. 1) he really can't/won't decide, or 2) he has decided but doesn't want to communicate. It really could be either, but I think you can look for clues to see which one.<P>The possibility of it being communication haunts me. If I'm deliberately being strung out for his personal benefit it makes me absolutely furious.<P>The other clues - what is the situation with the OW? Does she see the children, his parents, friends and co-workers? Does it look like that relationship is important to him or is he just playing around? (I think the latter for my husband).<P>I think the biggest problem is their uncertainty about our future. To work on the marriage with us means they must drop the other person. That all happens BEFORE they have positive feelings for us. I think that's my husband's problem - the vicious circle. He's not sure we'll make it (has serious doubts), so why give up a good thing (the OW) for potentially nothing. Of course, that kind of thinking stagnates the whole process. So, best to do nothing.<P>I've told my husband that I will not file for divorce and will contest any action by him to file. It's up to the OW to end things in my case (I don't think my husband can do it). I think she eventually will, since she's also being strung out and probably lied to. Their relationship is still covert at his office, she hasn't met his parents or our kids. Pretty clear his commitment isn't there either. They're together more than a year.<P>What kind of men did we marry?<p>[This message has been edited by Distressed (edited October 10, 1999).]

Thanks for all the replies. I must say distressed that my H and your H sound like the same person. I have asked him to at least be decent and tell me if he has made a decision but just doesn't want to tell me and he insists he has made no decision. He is now trying to see if he could be with her long term but he has tried that before too and ended up coming home. In my case the OW will never end it since she has given up her H for my H and has nothing left to lose. My H says that he has told OW that he still loves his wife and I have no idea why she holds on. I have two children and 14 years to hold on for - she has a little over a year. I think in my case my H is waiting for her to do something which will make him see her for what she is and then have reason to end it with her. I sometimes think he is almost looking for a reason but obviously my kids and I are not a big enough reason! Sometimes I just want to scream!

Hi loveu,<P>Sorry things are still so confusing. I don't think this is really going to be encouraging, but I think you are right about his wanting to make a trial run with her. My H admitted as much - and also that when things started not working, he would think it was because the circumstances were not right between them - not because of anything related to her. It was only recently that he realized that he was pretending to be someone he wasn't, and really took a good look at this values and desires.<P>Loveu, there is no speeding up this process. And no guarantees on how it will end. Are you in Plan A or B? How are you holding up?<P>My thoughts are with you,<BR>Starpony

Hi Starpony and a belated Happy Anniversary to you. I just read the "Anniversary" post and things sound a lot better around your house right now. I am basically in a plan A at the moment but am wondering if I should be in Plan B. He comes around to see the kids, has dinner, watches tv a little and we talk etc. OW is still involved very much although I know he is having problems there with her and her family. Should I go to plan B or just carry on at the moment. The only problem with Plan B is that he wouldn't see my daughter since she will only see him at the house, she will not go out with him. So I don't want him to think that is why I am doing it. I am pretty strong emotionally at the moment although it is hard when he leaves at night to go back to his apartment. I just don't know if he is missing me that much because he still sees me so often so would Plan B be better in that respect. <P>I wish you all the best in your situation. It doesn't seem that long ago when everything seemed over for you and your H and I am so thrilled that he is showing signs of wanting to work it out with you. I will pray for you. Good luck.

You could still Plan B. Just don't be there during the visit.

Thanks Delphi - only problem being that my daughter will not stay in the house if she knows I am leaving and H is coming around. She will go next door to her friend's house etc. She only sees him at home at the moment because I am there (she is 10).

Don't you think it's possible that your daughter is trying to make you and your H be together? All kids want their parents to get back together. But I guess I'm thinking that it's not your responsibility to manage his relationship with his daughter. If she doesn't want to see him, maybe that will be part of the Plan B that might bring him around.