Bugs,

I've followed your thread and you are doing great. You are my role model. I hope I can get to where you are someday soon.

Starting to enjoy my new place and starting to have fun with decorating now that the boxes are almost unpacked. I'm still behind you, but the gap is closing.....

Chris can say for sure, but I think the Cajun goes for those, too.

Stay dark. It's working for you.

Chai,

Gee, not sure I'm the best 'role model' but am glad that perhaps reading on my sitch has helped you in some way. Hang in there!! Make "your" place a special, peaceful place for you!

Hey SD! Let's just have a party - - It's steaks & BudLight for everyone!! Well, not everyone. Sorry, but I don't generally drink beer,,,to filling!!

Friday night I met my friend J. She & I haven't seen each other for a while & had a nice couple of hours catching up. My frend G came by later to join us. We headed out of there early,,,,,,,,,,,I think J intentionally cut out early hoping that G and I would go out. She told me that "you 2 are meant for each other, I've thought that for the last 15 years".

Well, G followed me home so I could let Beau out, then we went to a local establishment and watched a band for a couple of hours. It was fun. I can't remember the last time I did that with a guy. Came home by midnight.

Is that considered a "date"? No discussion was had by us in that regard & no kissing, hand holding, etc. at all. But, he was very courteous. Opened doors, pulled out chairs, hand on the small of my back as we walked through the crowd, stuff like that.

Gee,,,,it's been so long - I am so clueless in that dept.

So, anyway,,,, shopping ALl day yesterday with Sis, BIL, and Mom. Got a lot done though & was exhausted last night. I laid down on the couch & feel asleep before 8 pm. Woke at 9pm. No call from the kids, so I called them.

They were at Drac's friends house watching the football game. DSS answered on the 2nd ring, so obviously they had the phone handy. I stopped myself when I started to get upset about Drac not having them call as he is supposed to. I was on the edge, but simply reminded DSS about it and moved on. It's not their fault, but Drac's. BUT, it's not worth making an issue out of it. Could be his way of just trying to get another reaction out of me.

Sorry to disappoint him, but those buttons can not be pushed when I now reside on the dark side of Pluto!

Well, gotta get moving. Have a lot to do today. Cleaning house, fixing the lights on the tree, laundry, and grocery shopping. Hoping I can really knock through a lot of this so I can wrap some Christmas presents and still have time to pack for my business trip tomorrow!

Real quick before getting busy for the day, I have to own up to a few 'moments' yesterday.

I was shopping for my niece's baby who is due to arrive in May. They have had a hard time trying to get pregnant, and with the loss of my nephew this year, this baby is really quite a blessing for our family.

I found a beautiful glass statue of a baby held in a hand. It said, "This is the child for which I have prayed"

Some of you may not be aware, but my DD is SO much that for me. Previously, I had 5 miscarriages before becoming pregnant with DD. I had a perfect pregnancy & as you know, DD is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I saw that statue & I just broke down in tears in the store. I just stood there crying and could not stop. This baby, my DD, and then the thoughts of "what could/should be' with Drac vs what "is" now just overwhelmed me.

Drac was SO fabulous during my pregnancy. He told me how DD was the gift he had so wanted to give me, because I was the most beautiful woman, inside & out, that he'd ever met and that he knew I would be the Best Mother ever.

I'll never forget the night before she was born. We sat in her room that was all ready for her, knowing that she would arrive the next morning by scheduled c-section. He held me, looked into my eyes and told me how much he loved us both. Until that point, it was the single most moving, special, powerful, loving moment of my entire life.

I then made the mistake of watching the movie Hope Floats last night. I like it and hate it at the same time. It's about a woman whose husband has an A with her best friend and goes off into A land with the OW, leaving her & her DD - - and how she works through it. It is somewhat inspiring, but very painful as it hits SO close to home.

I had another Major crying meltdown. But, I just decided to let myself have it. It was a really good long one, too. I even have the puffy swollen eyes today to prove it! EEK!

But, I am not and did not beat myself up about it. I told myself I should not be surprised to be having a meltdown. The whole sitch, the holidays, shopping alone, the baby reminder, and the fact that it was 1 year ago today that Drac announced he was moving out.

I had so hoped and prayed that this day would find him with me, talking about how this day last year he made what was the one of the biggest mistakes of his life by leaving.

**SIGH**

Ok, now I really have to get up and get moving before I push myself into another melt down!! I am determined NOT to have another today. Last night was ok, but am not going to get in that Habit!!

You do know that it's okay to have those moments, right? I think it's good that you let yourself feel it. There was a lot there...a lot of symbolism with the baby, PLUS the anniversary of moving out? And the holidays? Yikes.

C'mon. You'd have to be made of stone not to have moments. It's a lot healthier than stuffing them.

And what's best is that you pushed through them, without getting stuck! That's the REAL story...the REAL success. Look what you can do!

I've got my wedding anniversary coming up on the 10th, so if I do half as well as you did, I'll be pleased. I almost think it would be symbolic if the final D papers were signed that day. It can all end right on unlucky anniversary 13, and might as well shoot for only one trigger day to deal with instead of two.

Hang in there.

((((bugs))))
It's OK to cry. Makes us feel better sometimes.

(((bugs)))

You shouldn't feel bad about the meltdown. Lots of triggers. . . lots of emotions building up, and it was good to let yourself go ahead and feel it.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better. You're too strong for it not to be.

(((Bugs)))

Bugsmom,

I know exactly how you are feeling. I also saw Hope Floats and thought the same thing.

I found out that when I learned to differentiate between the WS and H, it made it easier for me. Later I learned to let him decide which character he was and I had t/b strong enough that if it was the WS character, I would cut it short.....very short. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That special time you had when your dd was born will always be special. Hold onto that memory and know a WS could never have been there.

Hugz,
L.

Everyone,


Thanks so much for the support! I DID do better the rest of yesterday. House was clean, laundry was done, bag was packed, Christmas lights fixed, went to the store, and I took the time out for a nice, relaxing hot bath with candles! I was in a very good place by the time Drac dropped off DD.

I called DSS's cell phone but got his vm. I left him a nice message, asking him to call me if he got the message, told him I'd be out of town, but I'd call. Love you/miss you!

DD and I spent the entire evening playing together. It was nice, especially since I'll be gone the next couple of days.

She was kind of down when she got home. I tried to draw her out about it, but she resisted, so I just let it go after letting her know she could tell me anything.

Well, it came out naturally later in the evening. She said she'd heard Daddy talking and he called someone in the family a "big fat liar'. For whatever reason, although she couldn't say why,she thought he was talking about ME. I just said, "well sweetie, WE know that isn't true, now don't we." She agreed.

Then more came out. She feels like the family is really not good. Daddy is mad at everybody all of the time, even at her and DSS. All he did all morning Sat was talk on the cell phone. Then they went to C's house and all he did was play with C's daughter,,,,,he thought she (DD) had done things wrong, even though she hadn't. It was really late when they got home so he didn't spend any time with her then either.

Sun. morning, again, all he did was talk on the cell phone. Then they had a few family members over (3) for her 'other' birthday party. He spent his time with them and then brought her home.

She was really upset. She said not only is he mad all of the time, but she never gets to spend time with him.

"We should have never gotten divorced. Our family is falling apart. Daddy's always mad. When I was 4 he was the PERFECT Daddy. Now, he's Horrible"

At first, it all made ME feel MAD. Then I felt SAD. I tried to reassure her that her Daddy loves her very much. He just has a lot on his mind right now, but that he will figure things out. He needs to work on some stuff,,,he will figure out why he's angry all of the time, and we'll pray for him. We know God will help him get better.

I didn't really know what else to say?!??

Questions to all here - -

1. What else could I / should I have said to DD

2. Do I bother to communicate any of this to Drac?

She knows she is supposed to spend almost an entire week with him from Christmas am to New Year's Eve. She doesn't want to and asked me to email him about it. She doesn't want to tell him because she is afraid of hurting his feelings.

What do I do about that - if anything?

Geez I hate this!!

I think you're doing just fine Bugs.. it's the Holidays, and there were so many triggers there.. just like all the others are saying.

It's ok to cry sometimes.. this is a horrible thing many of us are going through, but your strength to get this far, your strength to move foward is a blessing we sometimes need to be reminded of.

You're stronger now, you've gone to work on Bugs and look how far you've come. Perhaps in those moments, take time to remember how blessed you are for DD.. even give thanks to God for Drac in those moments because without him, she would not be. Find something to be thankful for in your sorrow and God will comfort you.

Honestly Bugs.. I think you handled it about as well as you could have.

I don't think it'll do any good to communicate this to Drac, you're in Plan B.. stay there. It's his job to maintain his relationship with his children, just as much as it was his job to maintain his marriage. His consequences are his alone.

DD6 is reacting naturally to a very difficult situation. You just keep being there for her, obviously you are the one she opens up to, you are the one she trusts and confides in.. there is a reason for that, simply continue to love and support her.

As for the visitation over the holidays.. IMO it is important for her to see him during this time. I know it's hard and there are many reasons to want to communicate this to Drac.. but take it all into context.. she just had a rough weekend with him.. those feelings may pass in the coming weeks, and it being such a special 'family' time of year.. she really needs to be able to spend time with him.. it may even be good for him as well.

Pray about it, see where it leads you.. examine the whole context, and your motivations for wanting to tell Drac these things.. you'll come to your own answers.

James,

Thanks James!

Just to clarify, I don't have any problem with her being with him over that week. I, too, agree that she needs to spend time with him. Throughout this entire horrible year, I have always stood firm that she needs to spend time with him, whether I liked it or not.

The question is if I bother communicating her feelings to him or not. I lean towards Not, as I doubt he will take anything I say about it as truthful or even give it the consideration it is due. It may, in fact, make things worse.

I could see him 'oonfronting' DD about what she said to me,,,, which would harm my relationship with her by breakiing her trust. We aren't at a place where I could request him NOT to let her know I told him and then be able to trust him on that.

JMHO,,,, and I am open to listen to others,,,,,

I couldn't answer any better than James does.

He's still a wayward, probably talking to some OW on the cell, getting his fix, and you are not going to talk him out of it...more fuel for his fire.

I was talk to her in terms of her Dad not being himself right now, going through a rough time in his life, and that you both will pray for him to get better.

I strongly encourage you to provide her with a phone so that she can call you at anytime for relief or if there is an emergency. Were you able to do that?

WOW BUGS!! what a rollercoater! i would have felt the same way...

((((BUGS))))

I also think that Mimi's idea of explaining the rough time and praying for him IS an EXCELLENT idea...that way SHE will feel like she has some control of the events right now...she can feel like she's doing something...

it gets better...slowly but surely!!

Thinking of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think you have to say something to him.
Because your daughter ASKED you to.
To ignore that will hurt her even more -- she needs to know you are her ally and will always look out for her.

So, because she asked you to tell him -- I suggest you and she together compose a communication to him. I think she needs to be involved because clearly he will confront her about it. So she needs to be prepared and confident in responding to him.

Praying for him is a really great idea too!

Lexxy:

Maybe I empathize too much with Bugs' daughters' position..having lived a childhood just like that...

I wish I had had a mother like Bugsy...who DID NOT INVOLVE me in her stuff with my father..

I wish my mother had protected me from him..

Instead I was on a lifelong mission TO FIX my parents' marriage..to FIX A DRUNK and involved in my mother's efforts to get him to change..to get him to listen...

Since I see DRAC as being like a drunk, an addict, I think that trying to reason with him while he's USING is a FUTILE EFFORT and can start her daughter to thinking that she can control what is out of her control..

Bugsy and her daughter may talk to him but talking to him will be USELESS at this point and she will see more of the ugly side of her father...

I don't think it's a good idea for her to get TRIANGLED IN..and I betcha part of this is BUG (the little one), trying TO FIX things and thinking that her MOM can fix things...

I think it's an important lesson to learn right away that all of this is in her father's hands and out of her control and out of her Mom's control...

I was about to say that I agree with Lexxy, but then I read Mimi's post, and I also recognize that this is something I struggle with constantly, so it's not like I have the answers.

I think Lexxy raises a good point. You need to at least talk with your daughter about her request. Maybe discuss the advantages and disadvantages and why you can't do it directly.

When I brought this up with Jennifer months and months ago (should I tell the SCQ that the kids are saying xxx?), she told me that if the kids wanted to, I should help them compose a letter to her. Pretty much what Lexxy suggested.

BUgs, I'm sorry for the heartache that this is bring you but I do want to let you know that you are helping others, like me, out here...

Should I run into this problem I can use your strenght, hope and experience to handle the sitch...
I'm happy that you all are posting!

OK. May be a good idea for Bugsy to help her daughter compose a letter. But, IMO, it would be GREAT to help BUG (the little one) learn that it may do NO GOOD...that her Dad is not himself and may not listen..so that the little one CLEARLY KNOWS that this is ALL about her FATHER...

I just think that until HE reaches his BOTTOM..if ever.. he is not going to step up to the plate and give PARENTING a high priority...

Because of being in the little one's position, I grew up believing that if I could EXPLAIN things and FIX things that I could TIE up the world into PRETTY LITTLE packages...

I FINALLY learned that I CAN ONLY CONTROL MYSELF...that no amount of explaining or educating or guilt-tripping will work...

BUGSY can control HER OWN CHOICES as a MOTHER..and be the BEST MOTHER that she can be to her daughter...

DRAC may never fully step up to the plate...regardless of what kind of letter that she and her daughter may write to him..

AGAIN..maybe I'm identifying to much with this..

It really hits CLOSE TO HOME...

And, of course, you know not to express anger at him about this...

Not saying that it will happen in your situation...

What happened with me as a little girl was I then stopped telling my mother stuff...

Daddy would say: "Don't tell your mother 'cause you know she'll get mad...while he poured the drink out of the vodka bottle in the front seat of the car...

Is that kinda like spending all day on the cellphone..maybe/maybe not...