That self-talk is GOOD. Yes, you are POWERLESS over him. The GOOD NEWS is that you can control YOURSELF and YOUR MIND and YOU can do all that is within YOUR POWER to protect them and you are doing a WONDERFUL JOB with a difficult situation.

We all know how sorry he will be one day....

Bugs,

It hurts to watch our children experience pain. I logged on tonight to see if Hansel has contacted YS. Nope, not in over 12 days. The time he is LOSING is sad, but remember they have US and one day when they are older, they will REMEMBER we were THERE for them NO MATTER WHAT.

I think Bramble would be proud of me, I went to an Alanon meeting before my AA meeting. It was good. Since Tuesday I am in such a different place it's G-d given. No doubt.

I want to shout from the roof top how blessed I am from the gifts G-d has given me. And I finally can put into words what has been happening to me all week. And it's because of everyone on here who speaks and reminds me of G-ds word.

I KNOW G-d stands for my M, and that he HATES D. I KNOW that G-d wants to restore my M. And that he WANTS me to stand for my M and have FAITH and COMPLETE TRUST IN HIM.

However, like Mimi keeps saying and this is the hardest part. My H has free will and choice and he may NOT choose to come home or break up his A. I don't get to be a part of that. What I have FINALLY, come to terms about is that G-d will use this for his good one way or another and I HAVE COME TO BELIEVE, that one day I will be whole again. And it's b/c in many ways I have fallen in love with G-d. He is the first thing I think of in the morning to serve and the last one I talk to at night and thank him.

He has become my light and guide to direct me through you all here and in his many other ways. What a amazingling lucky person I am to know that so much change has happened to me in 7 months and that I am FINALLY becoming the woman he always envisioned for me.

I'm not who I was, and who I am becoming is a work of grace because G-d is creating me.

And you set a great example for me to see the other side of what "I WANT" but may not get.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Morning!

Well, unlike so many times in the past, I actually DID sleep last night. I woke up after a couple of hours and it was snowing.

It's SO beautiful! I did go back to bed off and on and got some sleep. Am sitting here looking out the window, watching it snow, and drinking some great coffee. I LOVE the quiet time in the morning. Today, though, it's up to me how long the quiet time lats as DD is at Drac's.

I hope he goes out and gets her some decent snow clothes to go outside and play today.

DARN! I JUST thought of one down side to my lovely new home. BUGS is the only one here to shovel the sidewalk and driveway!! Well, guess I can skip the gym today! LOL!

I was surprised yesterday that I had no nasty emails/vms from Drac about his missing DD's Christmas program at school. Could it possibly be that he realizes it's HIS job to be up to speed with her schedule? I doubt it. More likely 1. I just have another 'black mark' by my name in his record keeping book. 2. He's enjoying telling everyone how *I* didn't inform him about it 3. he's waaay too busy with the latest ho to interact with me. Probably all 3 things. Whatever floats his boat.

I did have a dream about him last night. That he just showed up at my door. The strangest thing about it was that I just opened the door and let him in. It was as if I could simply tell by looking at him that he had totally changed, had hit rock bottom and was here to make it right.

WOW - - now THOSE would be some truly incredible Super Powers to have, wouldn't they? I could just go around the country, looking at WSs and tell simply by looking at them if they had earned their F!

What a nice fantasy to have?!?!

What an awesome fantasy indeed.

I like you am not sleeping as well as I have. Not sure what that is about. It's way to early on the west for me to get up for good, so I am going to put some meditation music on and talk to G-d. And then listen.

What else do you have planned for the day?

SG

So, is it Gretel now?? he he! You and Mimi were busy last night! She's guiding you well! Think about those crumbs to lead him home.

I, too, use morning time for ready, studying and talking to God. That's next on my list.

Then, it's my usual Saturday house cleaning chores. It will be a really good clean this weekend, as it will have to last until Christmas day. I have eye surgery next Wed. and then will have kids for the weekend. I try to spend as little time on 'big cleaning' as possible when they are here. Every Sat we do some cleaning together, then it's family time.

After cleaning is the Christmas Gift Wrapping Extravaganza!

Whoo hoo!

Putting on the Christmas comfy clothes - reindeer socks, sweatshirt, etc. Music on the stero, presents, paper, bows, and ribbon strung all over the room. One of my FAVORITE holiday activities.

Depending on the snow, may do some shoveling, then if it's not too bad am going to the gym for a brief workout and a LONG sit in the SteamRoom.

How about you??

Mimi is giving me awesome advice. I don't know the story of Hansel and Gretel too well, so I might need to learn about what qualities she has. Or read the story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have played mommy and put off deep cleaning my apt for a few weeks. Between work, volunteer work, children, and AA meetings, my days go by so fast. I also treasure my time with G-d and I don't get enough of that at all.

So, cleaning, creating a loving home for my boys, and having some alone time with G-d is top priority. Smartiepants and I are going to watch football together, albeit long distance. I might even find time to go shopping for gifts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am getting ready for Winter Break and I am looking forward to the down time then. I am going to work on going to the gym more regularly. My weight loss has really slowed up and I want to keep going.

Though we didn't celebrate Christmas as a holiday, it was ALWAYS just "our family" and we spent it together. The boys and I are going to the movies like we did last year, only we were all together.

I find myself or mostly my brain not quiet at all this morning. I am laying in bed talking to G-d, but I can't seem to quiet myself down.

What did you do when you had those moments?

Just wanted to chime in and say I think you're handling a few rough spots with Drac really well Bugsy.. you're still one of my heroes through all this. Keep on keepin on.

DS had his program last night, and was also adorable doing his little elf dance.

He's SUCH a cute little elf!

Whatever happens between the Ice Queen and I.. we sure made one heck of a kid together.

I'll post more on my thread so as not to totally hijack. Glad to see SG on here more.. you're a great example for us Bugsy.. keep on truckin!

Thanks James,

I'll pop over and check ya out.

James,

Nothing like those special moments for the memory book. I don't know how you keep your calm with Wonderscumbag around!

Skins,,, you got some great advice from Mimi today. It's about staying busy,,,staying focused,,,,making your home a wonderful, comfortable, cozy, inviting place from within so that those on the outside can see it & want to be a part of it - - as well as it being a safe, warm place for YOU, with or without your H around.

Stand up to those kids! Command the respect you deserve!!

*I* was the Domestic Goddess today. House is spotless. I then treated myself to a candlelight bubble bath,,, complete with a glass of wine & a good book. I think took a 30 minute nap on the couch.

Next, I am starting the gift wrapping. I love doing it, but am a bit sad to be doing it alone. I watched the movie Scrooged while napping off & on - - - and am holding on to the message at the end. It's NOT too late. A radical change can happen when you least expect it! Especially at this special time of year, miracles DO happen.

So,,,YES, I think I have been doing better lately. I have not been going crazy mentally about the fact that BabyBugs has her Latchkey Christmas program tomorrow afternoon & Drac will be there.

I haven't thought non-stop about what I am going to wear (whatever it is, it will be GODDESS STYLE), and I haven't worried non-stop about what to do or how to act. It's started creeping up on me a bit, but I am managing to keep it at bay for now.

Any sage words of advice out there on how to handle it??? I haven't seen him for a couple of months, other than an occassional glimpse and the night a while back when I told him to put the box in the trunk.

I am a bit nervous, and am praying he comes alone with just the kids!!

Bugs,

I am taking every drop of her advice and putting it into play and use. She is amazing and I appreciate it so much. I haven't quite gotten the line of thinking or I would be doing and then asking, or thinking it up and asking, but I am coming along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am getting ready to decorate my house in SNOWMAN, something I haven't done for a long time. Too lazy and hated the mess of my house.

The kids, commanding respect from teenagers with two parents is hard at best, throw in two kids that are just as passive-agressive and angry as their dad and I wish I could drink wine and take a bath. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you are doing better lately. WE ALL are certainly on a tough road here. Something I never thought I would be on, how stupid of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SG

So Bugsy, are you in PLAN B or not? In PLAN B, he doesn't get to see you.

It's not that hard.. Wonderscumbag is -NOBODY- in my book.. less than nobody... he's not even worth acknowledging. I'm in Plan A.. that means I'm in it for me. I'm in the business of being a good husband to my wife, a good father to my kids. I have no desire to be -his- friend or even acknowledge his existance.. I will continue to talk to my wife as if she is my wife.. he can go sod off if he doesn't like it.

I'm not making a big deal about him because she tells me -he- has nothing to do with the problems in our marriage.. well.. ok.. so it's bovine droppings.. fog in the extreme.. but if she says he's nothing to our relationship.. that's how I will treat him.. like nothing.

It is afterall what she says she wants me to do.

O:)

Actually.. it's very difficult.. but God is my shelter and my refuge.. of whom should I fear? So long as I can walk the path of righteousness, I have faith that God's promise will be fulfilled.. if my WW comes home, I'd rather her remember me as someone committed to continuing in his love for her and our children despite the circumstances, rather than the jealous angry STBX wasting his energy on angst against someone she told me is worthless. *shrug*

Yes, Plan B. I realize it means he doesn't get to see me, but short of borrowing Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak, how can I make that happen?

It may not even be a concern,,,,, we've had significant snow here last night (about 8 inches here at my house)and the concert may likely be cancelled. I won't for a couple of hours for sure.

As Mom has told me 'hundreds' of times, worry about crossing that bridge IF/WHEN you get to it.

Am going to finish my coffee and start shoveling!!

What is a significant amount snow?

What kind of coffee to you like? Remember I live in the world of coffee flavors, stands and lattes. I swear there are more coffee stands than public bathrooms, especially for woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will have to listen real good about that answer to Plan B dilemna as hubby will be showing up at the high school for lacrosse games and I am there keeping score and cheering on our kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I don't know about the Harry Potter coat...but..there are ways...

Go late/leave early.... so that you can sit in the back and be in charge of where you sit..stand in the back...

Plan to surround yourself with family/friends so that he can't get to you or see you.

Well, issue has been avoided - - the show is canceled.

Thanks for the advice Mimi. I had planned on having mom, sis, bil, niece nephew in law, all with me and was going to watch from the 'upper' deck of the mall to avoid him. I was all set to go late/leave early, too. Was going to have niece go get DD for me after the performance, etc.

So, at least I have a plan for any future events.

My double drive, sidewalk, back porch, and mail box area are all snow free! Yikes, I know I am going to be sore tomorrow.

When I say significant snow, I have 8 inches at my house! The last several years the most we'd get at one time was just a couple of inches. This is the biggest snowfall in over 5 years here.

I finished up the wrapping this morning. Put away all of the wrapping supplies & Christmas boxes. Took out the trash and scrubbed the floors. My house is a warm, delightful, Christmas place of great scents (holiday candles burning), and light. I love having the tree with the gifts wrapped underneath.

So, am going to shower and clean up. Perhaps will go meet Sis & BIl for late lunch & shopping. DD needs some snowpants to go out and play!!

Have fun and be careful out there.

I was just getting out of the shower when the cell rang. Drac left a nasty vm message.

"Bugs, I am here at the mall and find out it's canceled! THEY said they called YOU and told YOU it was canceled. NO ONE called ME. Here *I* am rushing around to get her here an HOUR and A HALF from MY house and it's CANCELED! I'd APPRECIATE a call back!"

Well sorry, Bugs ain't calling him back.

The fact is no one called *ME* either! I called the mall and asked if it was on or off. Although I shouldn't have, I did send him a TM and let him know it was canceled. The fact of the matter is I didn't even have to do that.

And what's all of this 'rushing around' complaint? It wasn't scheduled until 1pm. So, what, they had to leave the house at 11-11:30??

Gee it must suck to be Sooo self centered and have only Bugs to blame for everything,,,,,,,,,and Gosh darn her, she won't pony up to the plate & call him so he can get even more angry and nasty with her!! SHE's SO MEAN!!

TM to Drac, "No one called me. I called the mall. Sent u tm at 11:40"

Well, now what? No Bugs to YELL at? Now what??? Stuck here "an HOUR and a HALF from MY house with MY kids". What in the world is Drac going to do???

Am sitting here smirking to myself.

AND

At the same time feeling bad because the kids are stuck with him while he's in this foul mood. I'll guarantee they heard that phone call & probably more nasty things about me. I DO feel bad for them in that regard.

I'm sending hugs and prayers for your kids.

I really feel hurt and pain for our children. They are such the innocent ones.

A fresh white blanket of snow from G-d to wrap his love around them is just perfect, don't you think?

Someone told me that G-d doesn't have grandchildren, only children. So he is wrapping them in his love like he does with US
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Skinsgal.

As suspected, the kids heard every word of the nasty vm. DD even asked me about it. She said he then called 'someone' else on the phone about it,,,,and told that person, as well as the kids that "she should have CALLED when it's something THIS important."

I told her it's ok. I did send him a message and that was enough.

Aparently he talks about being mad at me frequently in front of the kids. What an A$$. Does he not realize WHO he is hurting by doing that? Obviously not OR perhaps he is still just so wrapped up in himself that it doesn't matter. Again, as I said earlier, it must be nice to have Bugs to blame for everything.

He dropped off early - as I expected he would. DSS came in for a while and seemed like he didn't want to leave. So we talked for a few minutes. As soon as he & Drac left, I got a TM that he'd left the paperwork for the sale of our property in the mailbox. I've asked him not to send that stuff with this kids, so I guess this is his answer to that? Whatever.

DD and I took Beau for a walk & played in the snow. I retrieved the paperwork from the mailbox. We gave Beau his bath, read books and watched a movie until bedtime.

Another TM from Drac, wanting me to confirm I got his TM about the paperwork.

What's the deal? Is it Really bothering him that much that I refuse to engage with him at all? Or is it more of the CONTROL that he doesn't have? He DEMANDS that I call him, but I won't. Perhaps it's advice from his 'friend'. Again,, whatever.

I just finished writing out all of my Christmas cards. Now I just have to get stamps for them all,,, which is fine because I can the immediately drop in the mail while at the post office.

Am feeling really good about the holiday preparations. I need only 1 last gift!! The only ones left to wrap are what the kids are giving and a few for my friends, so we can finish all of that up Saturday. We'll also be making our Christmas cookes Saturday. I have an entire box of cookie cutters that I bought last year. We had a ball doing it and know we will again this year.