I came home from seeing National Treasure with my three kids, and my DD boyfriend. I had a pretty good meltdown in the movies. My DD is very concerned about me.

I came home and made taco meat for my boys, and they ate, and I put a roast in around 4:30. It's done, but they aren't hungry. I'll finish what I was going to make and hope they eat or maybe I will make them sit down just to sit as a family.

I as going to go to AA meeting, but I would rather hang with my boys. I want to finish our Monopoly game and maybe read some stuff tonight.

Not sure, I am really exhausted from all the sadness that has held me down for the last few days.

Did you notice that there were cycles to this. Some days you feel like nothing can stop you and then there is a spiral downward and you just almost have to go through it and come out? Or is this stinkin thinkin?

I wish I could have some good ole tequila and drink away some feelings, but not a good thing for me. I'll end up dead, literally.

I think I might even write in my journal and read some Torah for comfort.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I have to find some Plan A thing to do for H tomorrow. Any thoughts? I could pop on down, but don't really have a reason and I really prefer to sleep in anyways. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Last night the boys and I went to the movies and we saw Golden Compass. That was really good.

Do you like to go to the movies?

Did you get the subliminal message that the Golden Compass is supposed to have...about killing the character who represents God? I know someone, that I respect very much, who read the series of books by the author, who is an atheist who apparently is on a mission to promote non-belief in God. He said the books were literary works of art, but that he would not allow his children to read them because of the underlying message.

Hi Lady,

You know, I really didn't. Fortunately I was too distraught and caught up in my world to get the message or even notice it. I just loved the characters and the actors in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Besides.... there is NOTHING that could shake my belief in G-d. NOTHING. My M may not survive, but I am becoming a woman of G-d and I can see those results each and every day.

Bracha

Grrrr.....pity party, pissed off party...whatever. Neither one is very pleasant. That's it...we should shoot for Pleasant Parties. Peaceful Parties. Pick-yourself-up-dust-yourself-off Parties.

HA! I got a bath set, too!! Only mine was from Bath and Body Works. Warm vanilla sugar. Not my first pick, but a safe choice--kinda like your male-coworker scenario. And in my case, even though they didn't pick it out, at least the boys wrapped it (even though it was here at home last night, not with WH).

So I did have a present under the tree...after all my whining, I have to say that I would have preferred a hand-made card from each boy.

Because now every time I use that stuff (which the boys will always as if I did!), I'll think of how I rate right up there with the drawn-out-of-the-hat Secret Santa person you don't know very well but are forced to buy for...

And Grrrr about the games, too....I'm sure you were smiling through gritted teeth.

Well, at least you got something that FEELS decent, even if it's not your favorite scent. Sorry, but the Walmart stuff?? I might as well slap on some Crisco!

Did I just say that?

The champagne is kicking in! he he!

God Bless DSS and my Mom. This morning we were opening gifts,,,,,and doing the Christmas stockings. Mom bought stuff to put in MY stocking because she didn't want DD to wonder why Santa didn't put anything in Mommy's stocking!

Then, DSS made a point for them to wait while I checked out my stocking. I felt really bad later when they were opening their gifts from me and he says, "Wait, it's Mommy's turn to open one". It was just then when I TOLD him, that he realized, I didn't HAVE any to open. So he says,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Next year, Mommy gets 5 EXTRA presents"

ALMOST had the meltdown right then.

Middle Sis just called,,,,,,saying that she thought I could "help her out". She said she was missing something this year from her gifts and had heard I had something I could share with her.

I was like "What do you need?"

She said, "Well, I heard you have some GREAT bath stuff!"

LOL! Mom had told my sister's about the "great gift" Yep, I can always count on my sister's to give a perfect smart a$$ comment when I need it most!! LOL!

How many siblings do you have?

We're a family of 4 kids.

2 Older sisters. One 7 years older, one 4 years older. I WAS the baby girl until I was 11.

Then my parents did the UNTHINKABLE,,,,,,,,,they had a baby! We were ALL in shock! OS was 18, YS was 15 and I was 11 when BabyBoy came along!

Dad was an only child, so he REALLY wanted a boy to carry on the family name. It was like he had 4 moms!

And you??

I would have loved to have a big family. I wanted more children, but my H said no.

I have just one sister. Sadly, my parents pitted us against each other growing up. We had a very rough childhood and emotional abuse. She is very sick now. We both have a desire to be close, but she can't because I just am a reminder to those horrible times.

So I don't have any parents, no sister, and no relatives to speak of. I could really pity myself on that one, but I don't. I wish I did.

I will say that I keep in contact with WH's sister and aunt. He has NO ONE. One friend from our life, but NO ONE else. He can isolate himself so well and that's what he does. Lives in his head and NEVER ASKS anyone for help.

Oh well, that really is his downfall and somehow G-d will reach him. I just have to trust this.

See...you are in luck, Bugs!

Next time you are baking something that requires Crisco instead of butter, and you suddenly discover that you are ALL OUT...you'll be all set!

Two gifts,
Two gifts,
Two gifts in one!

Plus you can re-gift to your sister. I would seriously hang on to one of the pieces from that bath set and give it to her next year, beautifully wrapped.

Yep, because she deserves payback for that smart a$$ remark...even if it's delayed gratification on your part.

Sorry you are so alone, SG.

Meltdown mood with you as well.

Picked up my DD and we spent Christmas morning at the ER because my WS returned her with a sprained knee and severely sprined and fractured ankle. Looking at surgery now and he has no clue how it even happened.

I went out and bought myself some clothes at really good prices. The shirts showed off my getting to be goddess figure. Size 10's are fitting now.... Setting the next goal. Went from XXX shirts to Large. I feel so happy now.

We spent christmas eve at church with others from the divorce care class. It was great. We first went to the movies, then for chinese and then to church. My DD fell asleep on my lap during church.

Learning and taking notes from you as to how to just move forward. Going to turn in now so I can get up early to read some of God's wisdom.

Isn't it funny how you can look back now and see things that happened and know that if it happened to a friend you would have told them to run while they could and to realize that you did not ?

Be happy that Drac bought you anything at all. I didn't get anything from my DD for my birthday at the beginning of the month or for Christmas.

Even though I spent tons on him for his Bday and he had some Christmas presents from her. I didn't know what to think. I would have been happy if he would have even had her make a card, but not one gesture at all ! You never understand someone who has a mental problem. He could do it out of spite, or he could do it because he needs to get me out of his mind.

I noticed at the last court hearing he couldn't take his eyes off of me. I have to laugh because he tells everyone how happy this girl makes him. He looks at her, but it's not with the loving glances he used to give me. And he doesn't hold her hand or open the door, and he always seems tired and not smiling. When he does smile it is a forced smile. I bet he was mad that I smile so easily now adays.

Skinsgal, I still break down all the time and it will be a year for me January 28th. The time is up at the courts that I can go and sign the divorce papers. Debating whether to sign or wait 2 years. I have a tough time with that, but yet the bible says " If an unbeliever wants to go, let them go..."

Right now, just waiting, praying, and hoping....


Keeping you all in my prayers. Have a safe holiday....

Morning BUGS! I hope that you plan to have a goddess day today...let the music grab you, k?

And I DO PLAN TO DO exactly what you instructed...time is so precious huh?

Merry New Year! That's what I say between Christmas and New year's! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good morning!

Yesterday was a busy one. I was "sleeping in" for the first time in MONTHS, until the phone rang. I didn't catch it in time and it went to VM. I saw from caller id it that it was DSS, so I called back without listening to the VM, as I was concerned.

Turns out that DSS left his shaving kit bag with his meds in my car the night before. They wanted me to meet up with them so he could get the meds. So,,,,,,,,,,,I told him I'd need to call him back after making adjustments to MY plans.

I called back with a place/time for them to meet me and gave the option that if that didn't work Drac could drive to MY house and pick it up. They chose to meet. Of COURSE they were about 15 minutes late. I was inside (McDs) when they got there so that I could avoid seeing Drac. Kids came & in visited for a while. DSS was wearing a new suede coat. It was a nice one, but not really appropriate for a 13 year old boy IMHO.

Turns out DSS said he had 'the other coat' in Drac's car for me. I didn't understand what he was talking about. Then, as he explained, I got mad at Drac again. The coat DSS had been wearing was MINE. One that mom had given me to wear out to play with the kids out in the snow. I'd jokingly told DSS that I wanted it back someday. He apparently told Drac that,,,,,,,,,,,,so Drac bought him the SUEDE jacket as a replacement?? I explained to DSS that i was just joking with him and that I wanted him to keep that coat - - He need something to wear out in the snow!!

So, Sis,,,, remember that 'clueless' thing. Kinda applies here. Drac bought DSS the kind of coat DRAC likes, not what DSS NEEDS.

DSS also said they'd ended up with an 'extra' bag from my trunk during the transfer the night before and it was out in Drac's car. Wonder why Drac didn't have them just bring it in with them? I told DSS that it could just be returned when they come back on Sunday. That way I didn't have to go out and possibly see Drac. (Mimi, you should be proud!)

DD didn't want to leave me, but DSS help cajole her out the door. I stayed inside until they were long gone. I then went and met Mom & sisters for after Christmas shopping. Ran by my house for a bit and then to Mom's for a light supper. I was really exhausted & wanted to be home.

However, as little brother made it back yesterday from his out of town work, there was a chance he was coming up for his "Christmas" and I wanted to be there. Turns out he had to go get his phone replaced and didn't show.

I came home early and tried to sleep. Nothing doing. I think I was out for only an hour at a time all night.

I almost forgot to tell you all the "highlight' of this Christmas Day. My family bought DSS a bike for Christmas. With DD getting a bigger girl bike for her birthday, I had talked to them about the fact that DSS did NOT know how to ride and it bothered me so much! I tried to get Drac to teach him for several years, but he never did. DSS didn't want ME to help him at that time, so here he was at 13 without knowing how to ride.

They were GREAT. We knew that being out at Mom & Dads (where no one could see him), the guys in the family could work with him and make it happen.

and IT DID!! Christmas day the first thing he asked to do is to take his bike outside. Dad & oldest sis went out and adjusted his seat,,gave him some coaching and by the time the other family arrived he was able to ride down the entire country driveway!! I was SO HAPPY and PROUD for him. He even took one really good spill,,, and got right back up and right back on the bike (which would not have happened just a while ago). He said he couldn't wait to go home and show Drac that he can now ride!!

More updates,


I got copies of letters in the mail yesterday from my A. Seems she's had a back & forth with Drac's A about the sale of our property.

The seperation agreement and final decree that HIS A drafted and which HE signed, give me FULL title and interest, which means any proceeds from the sale are MINE. It states that Drac must pay 1/2 of the mortgage payment for 9 months, during which it is listed for sale. It is actually silent as to him getting any proceeds, but is definitive that I retain all interest in the property.

My A let them know that the payments he is making is in compensation for my having paid the payments of this property as well as our timeshare for the entire duration of our separation. HE kept all interest in the timeshare.

So,,,,,,,,I am sure (if his A has told him) that he is NOT happy about this. I know *I* wouldn't be if I were him. The truth is, it's his Attorney's fault. He's the one that drew this up and failed to address it if it was an issue. They just 'assumed'. That's a bad thing to do in any situation, but it is deadly when it comes to legal matters.

Bugs:

Your ex-H bought his son a new coat. For Christmas.

What wrong with that?

It's made of suede? So.

Really. You CAN NOT control this.

Why get angry or upset?

Its not cluelessness. It's control. And you can't control this.

Next year Drac can buy him a BIGGER bike.
OR a FUR coat.
Or a shotgun.

Not within your control.

You CAN have discussions that TRY to get you to some sort of agreement with him regarding disipline, grades, hair length, style of dress, language, etc. But you can ONLY control these activities when DD and DSS are with you.

Heck, Flamingo and I have issues with this NOW, even with us being together.

IT is SO MUCH more difficult in your sitch. And consternation on your PART, is misplaced.

The sitch sucks already, why concern yourself over things that you can't control?

Let me give you an example....

Flamingo sent DS and I out to buy a book bag. About 4-5 years ago. He and I selected a LL Bean bag, that was mainly black and had a strip of orange on it. It cost $60-75 dollars. WAY more than most bags. She thought I was crazy. (this was in the middle of my A, mind you, and we had a terrific marriage....) Why so much? 4-5 years later, he is still using it. It might get him all the way to HS graduation. Yes, I'm still crazy.

What is the lesson? If you have a pre-concieved notion of WHAT you want purchased, then you need to either go buy it yourself, and control that, or you let the outcome go. Flamingo didn't like OUR choice. But, IT was MY responsibility to do it. She gave me that responsibility. But she didn't like our choice, at the time But it worked in the long run.

Buy DSS a shaving kit for YOUR house.
Get meds for DSS that STAY at your house. Refill as needed the RX's for YOUR house.
Review the things that move back and forth and have duplicates (if possible! no duplicate Ipods/gameboys/dolls) at your house.
NO more hiding at McD's for an exchange that didn't need to happen. This is the second or third time a meeting had to occur because of meds.

Sorry for the 2x4.

It's been great, Bugs. I hope it works out for you.

(((BugsMom)))

LG

Hi Bugs,

How are you doing today? What do you have on tap to take care of yourself?

I understand the lack of sleeping or intermittent. Really makes for a long night.

Some of my wildest dreams are on nights that I don't sleep but on and off. What about you?

B

LG,

I see your point about the control and am working on that. Am going to spend time thinking about it a bit more today and will see what steps I can take within myself to recognize it in the future.

I do have to say though, that my point wasn’t that I was upset about him buying DSS a coat. I think that is great. What I was getting at was that the purchase was about Drac, not about DSS.

Again, I will acknowledge and agree that even with that taken into consideration, you are right in that it is something out of my control and something for me to let go.

I do have duplicates of things here for DSS. Unfortunately, meds are not something that I can duplicate. Each month we have to get a new script from the dr as it is a ‘controlled’ substance that can’t be auto refilled. I have one ‘backup’ dose that I keep here for him in case he forgets. I usually try to remind him to split the bottle up when he gets a new one and just bring with him the # of doses that he needs for the # of days he is with me. I will need to set myself reminders to do that.

Thanks for the 2x,, always good to get someone to help me step back and take inventory.




What’s this? You aren’t saying goodbye here are you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Bugs:

About this:

"What I was getting at was that the purchase was about Drac, not about DSS."

HOW? HOW? HOW?

It was Drac's style? It was Drac's Size? It wasn't what you would buy? DSS doesn't fit into it? It isn't DSS's style? What makes it about Drac?

I bought the last coat for DS last year. Was it what Flamingo would have picked? No. But it's what DS picked. And he wears it. I leave it at that. Next time, she can walk around with him and look with him. It wasn't about me. Remember, DSS is a boy. He's different than a girl.

LG

LG,

You said that in your sitch,




Yes, you are absolutely correct. DSS is a boy, not a girl.

You have a very KEY element in your description of your sitch, you bought what your DS picked. That is PERFECT. It wasn't about you. Fantastic.

VS

This is what DRAC picked, not DSS. Yes, it is Drac's style, but that doesn't make it a 'bad' choice.

No, it's not DSS's style. Again, does that make it a 'bad' choice. No.

DSS said it's not what he would have picked.

In this sitch, that is what makes it about Drac and not about DSS.

It is still true that I have to recognize this as something for me to let go of because it's something which I have no control over.

Because, what is the bottom line here? Drac can buy what he likes for him. DSS is going to wear it despite whether or not he picked it or whether or not he even likes it - - because that is the dynamic of his R with Drac.

I have come to see things from being outside that dynamic on a daily basis. DSS as struggled with identifying his own likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. because Drac has always done the choosing FOR him vs them doing the choosing together. This is true on everything from his room, his toys, sports, movies, hobbies, 'coats', activities, vacations, free time, whatever.

I have made the deliberate decision to help DSS explore and to start identifying those things for himself when he is with me.

As you have made me remember, what Drac chooses to do when DSS is with him is Drac's choice.