((((BUGS))))

You are doing a great job. He may be taking digs at you because he wants you to become jealous. He wants to know that you still care. He wants and needs to know that he is still an important part of your life even though you are divorced.

Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know that you do care. Just go on as if nothing is wrong. Keep your eyes and heart focused on Jesus and don't forget to pray for Drac.

It does not matter really if we are or are not reunited with our WS. What truly matters is their salvation. Keep praying for that. In the meantime baby bugs is growing closer to God, and soon she'll be like mine and minister to WS as well.

I admire you for your strength and I know you like me pull that from God. God will take us where he needs us....

God bless you....and your family.

Bugs:

That's why I bumped it.

Recovery takes many forms.

One, and the most important, is personal growth.

Your a better mother, future wife (if need be) and person now.

Sorry for the sitch, but your making lemonade.

I lurk more than post too. Our class has "graduated"

Hugs to bugs, DSS and her mother....

LG

Thanks, LG & INeed!

I finished getting ready for work after posting. DD woke early because she is sick, so I am working from home today to be with her.

It's Drac's night for visitation til 8pm. I will let him know that she is sick and should not go out tonight. Previously, I would be a nervous wreck about having to 'deal' with him in any form.

NOW, it's just a fact of life. However he reacts is up to him and it STAYS with him. The truth is that yes, I still love him, but I've gotten much further along in letting him go and letting him own his own stuff.

I had sis intrepret an email from him about DD playing softball this year in which I stated that we BOTH have to commit to adjusting our schedules to accomodate HER wishes. He gave some convoluded answer that boils down to the fact that he will continue to put HIMSELF first under the guise of it being in her best interest. It will be evident to all, including DD, what the truth is as it happens.

I can't change it. I can't control it. I CAN control me and do the best I can for her. That's it. I'm ok with that.

Yes, I AM a better person, a better Mom, and someday will be a better partner with the right person. I don't think much about that,,,,,,,it too will unfold as it should.

Someday soon I will likely post here more about my journey in my recovery but not yet.

Verrry interesting, Bugsy! I'm suspicious.

Morning Bugs,

Absolutely the truth and G-d wants it that way.

What are you studying and how has it helped you?

yes he will and he will also turn this into good, why he already has. Just not maybe how WE envision it, but G-ds plan is beyond anything we can imagine or hope for. We just have to be willing to surrender to his will and let him lead us.

So much talk goes on here about the WW and the book that they read, or the scripts they say. I for one think one day we should all write a book on our personal journeys and glorify G-d on how he has worked hard in making the WS's life better through so many ways. It's funny, a few short months ago, I could never have even opened the door and today I can see a sparkle of light that there is good coming out of this.

WS need hope and you, and so many others are there hope. Always remember how much you are needed on here and missed when you are not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bugs:

I have started the Joyce Meyer study on Battlefield of the Mind. Our group from Divorce care decided to continue so that we have support and this is the study we chose to do.

Get rid of your "Stinkin Thinkin" !! If we keep thinking back to the past, then we won't be able to stay focused on God. I don't know 'bout you, but my life is SOOOO much better now. Remember, you are not the same person today as you were 5 years ago, and 5 years from now you'll be an even differnt person yet.

Stay focused on God, and you'll see that sometimes it'll seem that you are floating on air.

You will still have down days like mine today. I was looking for receipts for the taxes, and found a valentine card from before, when He said " I love you more than I may say or show. I love you and want to show you and tell you more often. I love you so much".

Yes, I boo hoo'd for a while, but then I said "THANK YOU LORD, for reminding me that my husband used to love me like crazy. That person is still in there somewhere.

I can't change him now, but GOD CAN !! So I will fast and pray more and have faith that my Lord is accomplishing this miracle for me. I can't begin to say how long it'll take, but eventually I believe he'll be home.

Right now, they are not appealing to us, so forget about him, let god handle him and you be the best angel and goddess that you can be. Keep focusing on God and your life and remain faithful to your husband in prayer and asking others to pray for him as well.

It will all work out in the end.....

That's why I love Rejoice ministries.... I was reading of one family that was restored after a 2 year divorce, and there are many.... You just have to ask yourself, are you willing to wait on God to accomplish it ????

I can see my husband's heart softening. I can tell he's not happy with her. I can and will keep praying for his return....

Anyone out there please pray with me that Bill and Drac will come to salvation and have the blinders removed from their eyes, That they will have the temptations removed from their lives, and their heart will be softened, and they will know forgiveness and repentance in such a way that they will come home to their family.

Bugs I know you want it as much as I do.... Use the lord for your strength and keep the faith !!!!

Greetings one and all!

I figured today was as good as any for a 'bug bomb' update! LOL!

Still going through good days and bad days, but definately more good than bad.

Affairland continues to flourish and creep evermore into my children's lives. The Ho & her son spent the night at Drac's house when he had the kids last weekend. I don't like the fact that an 11 yr old boy that my daughter is not related to spent the night in her bedroom with her, but there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Needless to say, neither do I like that another woman is spending the night in Drac's bed while my children are there either. Again, nothing can be done about it.

I've known for some time that Drac has been looking to buy a house in the general area. He took DD to see it on Sunday. Funny, he chose a town in between the Ho's house & mine. It's a very nice house. The first thing DD told me was "It's A LOT bigger than our house, Mommy". Guess that was the first thing she heard about it. There's a bedroom for EACH of the kids for "when they spend the night".

I hate to admit that it bothers me, but it does. It still hurts. Alot.

Drac finally sent me an email saying that he was sure I'd heard about the house and telling me when he is moving. He's making DSS change schools mid-year for the move, which I am anxious about for DSS's sake, but yet another thing that i can not control. Drac says that DSS wants to do it now rather than at the beginning of the next school year. I have my doubts about that, but it is what it is.

I am glad that DSS will be closer to me and that all of us will have a lot less driving. I am also glad because it is my fear that DSS actually spends complete nights alone right now and that 'should' end after the move. It's much closer to Drac's work so that he won't be staying at the ho's house vs going home to be with DSS.

It does mean virtual full time Affairland life. I am trying to view that as a good thing. More time together just puts it that much closer to falling apart (again). The additional financial stress should make things interesting, too. The consistent thing I've heard about the ho (and which Drac himself has even said) is that she is HIGH maintenance & very much about the $$. I am sure part of the reason for the particular house includes impressing and pleasing her.

I've done some general calculations & while he can afford it, it's going to require some lifestyle changes for them. I am curious as to how he's coming up with the downpayment and what he's doing with his existing house. It will all become apparent in time, so I'll just wait to find out. I doubt if he realizes yet that it's going to be a tight fit on the financial end,,,,,,,,,,,,,,eating out, buying the ho the expensive gifts she expects, movies every weekend, etc may have to be scaled back.

Drac continues to tell DD to lie to me, or at minimum, to lie by omission. She isn't supposed to tell me when they do things with the Ho & her son. Stupid Drac. First, we all know that asking your kids to keep secrets like that is WRONG. Second, of COURSE she is going to tell me everything!! She knows it is wrong to lie.

What does he think he is accomplishing by trying to keep information from me?

EVERYONE knows what he is doing and WHO he is doing it with. What's the purpose of the secrecy?

Recently when DD was exposed to the jacka$$ movie at the ho's house, Drac's explaination omitted the fact that it happened at the Ho's house. *I* made it known that I knew that is where it happened and his response was that he "didn't mention that because he thought it would be like rubbing salt".

WTF? Like I am supposed to believe he gives a rat's a$$ about MY feelings??????? PUH-LEASE!

I just don't get that.

He knows what they are doing is WRONG. Why else continue to try to hide it?

As for me, as I said, for the most part I am doing well. Work is keeping me very busy. Have been traveling almost every week since the first of the year and expect that to continue for quite some time. I was supposed to be in South Dakota today, but the weather did not cooperate.

I've been attending church regularly and am really enjoying it. Had a great night out with friends last weekend & have had some opportunities for dating. I am keeping my options open on that front. I continue to work on myself, my changes, my attitidue, my growth. I am still learning a lot and am pleased with myself.

I still have times, like today, where I want to beat Drac over the head with a bat. Then, just like Cher in the movie Moonstruck, I want to slap him across the face and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!". The greatest percentage of my time is no longer spent on thinking about him, what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what THEY are planning, etc. That's a long way from where I was a year ago, that is for sure!

With Valentine's coming up this week, I've gotten several email 'ads' from the same company I used to send Drac a Valentine's Day gift last year,,,,,,,,,,,,all of them telling me how I can "Make Drac's Valentine's Day Special Again THIS year". Makes me want to vomit, so I blocked any further email from them.

I'll admit to you all here that for the first time in a very, very long time, I am having a battle of the "WHY". WHY did this happen? WHY does he continue to do this? WHY are they together? WHY can't he see what he's done? WHY doesn't he care about the pain he's caused? WHY? WHY? WHY?

So, I am hoping that by writing this all down, I can now stop spinning my wheels on that no where road of WHY and turn back on the Bug's Life Highway where the pavement is smooth, the traffic lights are always green, the scenery is beautiful, and the drive itself is the most wonderful adventure. The days of my being the bug on the windshield are over,,, thank God!!

Hope everyone is well. Hope to hear from some of you that, like me, don't post much these days. I'd love an update from
everyone!!

BTW - INeed, I am also cuurently reading Battlefield of the Mind! It has been very helpful to me! Thanks for checking in!

[email]D@mn..[/email] this crap doesn't go away?

*sigh*

This is where I'm at lately too.. as if maybe if I could just make -some kind- of sense of it.. I'd have a clear picture of what happened to my life.. be able to deal with it, and move on.

It's no longer WHY trying to control the situation.. it's all about trying to understand what happened to ME..

Sorry you're still on that ride... I hope you don't mind me saying that I pray I'm not there a year from now..

Hey, Bugs

I'm still on the ride, too, so I hear everything that you are saying.

I've been meaning to dig out my thread and update it. Maybe this will be the needed inspiration.

What is your custody situation? How do the papers read?



and that he his telling her to lie to you...

Both would be enough for me to call Friend of the Court and ask for a session with the mediator.

I actually filed a complaint for less than what you have just stated. It got us both to mediation and court ordered co-parenting counseling.

Seems like there must be SOMETHING that you could do about this. I would speak to my lawyer about this. See if you can change the visitation arrangements or something....



Well this is GOOD...I'm relieved to hear this.



I don't blame you ONE BIT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



WONDERFUL!!

Hi all!


James, I also hope you do not have these moments a year from now! The good thing is that MB and everyone is here for you IF you do.

I can't say enough how great it is to have such wonderful folks around here when we need them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will be seeing my attorney a week from Monday. That is the day I have to go to court. Remember Drac's taking me back over the D terms! I will speak to her about the visitation situation. Yet, I do not think it can be changed to the appropriate requirements for the sake of kids. I discussed this with her when we first separated and Drac started bringing her around,,,especially on their vacations overnight while we were still married. My A said then the court won't get involved unless they are having sex in front of the kids. Everything else is considered 'personal' and not something they will address.

The last thing I want right now is any co-parenting counseling with Drac. IMHO, it would not change his behavior, so why put myself thru further frustration?

No one seems to want to comment on why it is necessary for an EX to continue to lie, etc??

I have not and will not engage with him at ALL. So, are these games just little pokes at me to see if he can get me to react? It isn't working and it won't work. I have no desire to speak with him about anything.

It will be bad enough having to see him in court. Although I did buy a FABULOUS Goddess outfit to wear to court. A short black and white tiger stripe jacket with lacey camisole, black fitted pants and high heels.

I will LOOK MAH-VE-LOUS. No matter what happens, I will walk into and out of court a winner! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just need to work thru the 'stinkin thinkin' I had earlier today.

Thanks everyone.

Hey, BUGS!




Because they still can't be WRONG. I think, until a wayward is no longer a wayward, they HAVE to continue to make the BS the villian.

He is still ashamed.......or why not let the WORLD know he is going to shack up with the ho?

Fox

Hi Bugs!!! (Waving from Texas). I think in your case, this is happening because this is who DRAC is. He has lied from the get-go (being a wayward). It has become second nature to him. Being divorced won't change that. He HAS to lie to keep himself from looking like [email]cr@p...[/email] but you know what they say... you can cover it up, dress it up and spin it, but it's still [email]cr@p.[/email]

(edited to add "being a wayward" for clarity)

Hey Bugs,

That's what waywards do...they lie. Nothing they do will ever make sense because you are thinking rationally and he isn't. It's probably best to ignore him as much as possible and seal up your life as much as possible so that Drac can't penetrate your peaceful zone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
You will find that the less you know what he is doing, the less amount of why's you'll have..It's great to see you doing well!

He is still addicted, Bugs. Addicts will go to any length to protect the drug, even when they know it is wrong. The addiction is too strong...still.

Fox

WHY....WHy....Why....

God allows us to go thru this because he loves us !!
He wants to purify us. He is testing our faith, untried faith is unreliable faith. He is bringing us closer to him. He is conforming us to the likeness of Christ. He allows the sadness to be progressive to help us to grow. Whe we understand GOD's ways we stop worrying.

Don't mope and whine... GOD causes ALL THINGS to work together for those who love him, for those who are called according to HIS purpose.

God is strenthening you, giving you more patience. Satan wants you to grow impatient. He wants you to give up. He wants to know that he completely took away your marriage. It does not matter that the papers are signed, Satan does not have full control yet and he's trying to win it.

It does get harder.... My dd had me buy a present for the OW, and I did do it for my dd.

Remember the definition of Love.... Love is patient, Love is kind, Love bears all things, Love endures all things, Love never fails. God is LOVE. God is with you helping to be patient, and kind, and HE is with you bearing and enduring this situation.

I have had to say this to myself over and over again this week. My dd asked to call OW mom. She asked me to come become the OW best friend. I explained to her that although I love the OW because Christ gave me the forgiveness and Love to do so, I also can not associate with her because Christ says that Light and Darkness should not mix. I explained that to be exposed to that I could be drawn to Satan.

God knows that Satan wants full control. God also knows that you want Drac back. HE knows your heart, HE hears your prayers. Ask yourself are you willing to be patient for GOD to give you HIS best ? God could bring Drac back in a second, but do you want the lying, the cheating or do you want a God fearing Man ? Remember, your hope is in the things unseen. You can't see God moving the mountian, but he is. God is taking HIS time and being patient in trying to Win Drac over. Drac wasn't pulled to the other side in one night, and God won't return him in one night.

God gives us the "ESCAPE" clause if we do grow to be impatient, but GOD also promises us a GREAT reward if we are willing to be patient and to trust in GOD.

You need to do things to strenghten your faith and trust in God. One way to do that is to praise him all day long. That get's your thinking away from Drac and onto God.

I've been helping many others, and accused for running from my own problem. I could let that bother me, but that's what Satan wants. I am doing the Lords work. I am waiting and trusting in him to work thru my WS. I can not change him, but GOD can and WILL. I don't know if it will be this year, next or 10 years from now, but as long as God still tells me to wait I will wait.

God loves you. It is your decision as to what you can bear. It is also your decision as to if you will follow the foolish ways of man, or listen and follow God's will and HIS way so that you will have the best life possible. God may tell you to move on, or to wait, just keep asking for his guidance in your situation.

Bugs.... I feel for you honey, I know how bad this hurts first hand. I also know how good the JOY of the LORD is, and I pray that you can keep experiencing it.

Thanks everyone for the help through my 'why' moment! I 'knew' the answer, but still had the need to hear it so I could be sure it wasn't only the little voices in my head! Lol!

INeed,

Thanks as always for your post! I am trying very hard to let go and let God. Like most of us, I do suffer from impatience and wanting to know what the "plan" is. Is it that Drac will be changed back to my H and that we may be reunited? Is it a totally different path for me?

I pray for patience, strength and guidance. I know he is answering my prayers and will always be here for me.


Meanwhile, the cluelessness continues in A-land. I knew school progress reports for DSS were being mailed last Thursday.

Email from Drac today that DSS is failing Algebra ,,,,, AGAIN. Drac's email contains the standard lie about him going over homework with DSS every morning and every night. DSS told me that they are NOT doing that any more. I am NOT surprised.

Seems that there is work that has to be finished IN class that hasn't been getting done. So, this tells me that Drac is NOT communicating regularly with the teachers or the counselor at school. To make matters worse, Drac intends to transfer DSS to a new school in a couple of weeks as he has purchased a house closer to his work & to where I am with DD. I think transferring DSS in the middle of the year is a HUGE mistake, but nothing I can do about it.

Drac's email asked if I "wanted to add anything to the conversation" that he intends to have with DSS's counselor.

Why? Why would I add anything? I can't MAKE him be the father he should be. I can't MAKE him see that there is a DIRECT corrolation between what is going on in Drac's life and then what goes on in DSS's life. The ENTIRE UNIVERSE can see it, except for Drac. DSS is very unhappy right now and is feeling very lost. I feel so bad that there is so little that I can do.

And, despite working and praying very hard about letting go,,,,, I am very frustrated with Drac's inability to do better for DSS. I am very frustrated with his total self absorbtion. His only concern is about getting enough time with the Ho.

Sat night he didn't take the call when the kids tried to reach him because he was at a concert. He then left a message expecting me to bring DSS to the town where the Ho lives instead of taking DSS home. I sent him a TM to come pick up DSS here. While I know that the more time they have together, the greater the liklihood that it will fall apart faster, but I won't help them out to have more time together.

I know my Mom is trying to be helpful when she warns me that once Drac is moved to the area, that they will probably get married right away. I know she is trying to help "prepare" me for that very likely scenario,,,,but I can't hardly stomach the idea. I feel ill at the very thought. I have accepted that God's plan may very well not be for Drac & I to be together ever again. I don't know how to get past the fact that I can not accept having the HO as my children's stepmother. It's bad enough that she is in their lives 24/7 whenever Drac has them. Drac will NEVER get better within himself as long as they are together.

So, keep those prayers coming that the A ends, somehow, someway, and soon. If only for the sake of my kids, it has to end.

I realize that more than likely IF the A ever ends with the Ho, there will be NEW woman come along very soon. It will hurt, and I won't like it, but I think I could deal with it better as long as it's not Her. Does that make any sense? I just think I could be much better as a co-parent with her out of the picture. As long as she is around, I can not stand to have anything to do with him because every thing is tied to her,,,,,,,,,,,,,,which is tied to the A,,,,,,,,,,,which is tied to the end of my M,,,,,,,,,,,,which is tied to all of the hurt, the pain. the disrespect, the lies of this 15 months. Yes, I'd still be dealing with Drac and yes, he'd still be of the wayward mindset, but I have learned enough and grown strong enough to deal with that.

Or so I would like to think! Ha! I guess I would like the opportunity to try it.

More likely I would merely be opening myself to the foolish notion that I would have a better chance to have my H back with me.

Well, as Mom says, cross that bridge when or IF I come to it.

((((Bugs))))

No advice. Just nodding along with you and thinking "Yup, your place sounds a lot like this place I find myself in."

Hey SG!

Sorry we are both at the same 'place'. But, ya know we are OK! In a way, I would be worried about myself if I were at a different place with things right now.

I know that seems like a strange thing to say. It's not like I enjoy this difficulty,,, but I know that I am atleast being true and honest with myself. I am not hiding from my feelings even though it isn't easy. THAT alone makes me recognize the strength I have gained. So in an effort to look for any Good that I can, I give myself kudos for that!


So here is where I am today--

As most of you know, that in addition to not having my stepson's bio-mom involved in his life for many years, going thru our divorce, not having much support/time from his father, my DSS also has AD/HD. All of this contributes to his challenges in life, and when you add on top of it all that he is now a TEENAGER,,,,,WOW! He has a lot going on.

Of course, all of this makes for challenges for the entire family as well. Most of you also know that from day one of my involvement Drac, I took special interest in my relationship with DSS and his life. I have been the one involved at school, I initiated getting him tested & then diagnosed with AD/HD and got him on a medication that has made his life so much better. I've continued to always do research, to look for new ideas, new ways to help him in every aspect of life. For all purposes of life, * I * am his mother and always will be.

That being said, with the latest news of his failing Algebra (again), I took it upon myself to do more reading and research about Teenagers with AD/HD and see if I could find ideas & help for both DSS and the family. I did find some really great information for parents and some good ideas. I plan to initiate many of the tactics right away.

Here's my dilemma. Do I bother to share any of this with Drac?

The part of me that is DSS's MOM says YES!! Anything is worth a try if it is going to help DSS in any way!!

The other part of me that is "Bugs" says remember the devastation you have suffered at the hands of Drac. Look at how he is so clueless when it comes to DSS (due to his selfish, ho addicted ways). This part of me says NO do not share this with him. It says why bother? Drac continues to LIE about everything. Drac isn't making DSS a priority. Drac CHOSE to be the 'single dad' and to take me out of DSS's life,,, why should I continue to do HIS parenting work for him?

It also tells me that it is a major breech in Plan B and it opens the door for the horrid, blood sucking Drac to stab me yet again.

BUT

This is for my son. What mother wouldn't willingly submit herself to the potential for that pain if it could help her child?

OY! Helping my son should not be so hard!!

Welcoming all thoughts on this subject,,,