BUGS!!!!

You are AWESOME to the extreme. I'm so proud of you, you're even more my hero now than ever!

Such a fine example to the rest of us how to get through this on the D train.

I LOVED this, and it applies so well given that her family still occasionally drops the not so subtle suggestion that she needs to get her [censored] home before it's too late.. her response has been that there's too much 'pain in my memory of him, and not all of it coming from while we were together'.. and that she's already 'moved on' with her life.. her loss right? but I LOVED this.. and it'll likely get used at some point if you don't mind my plagerism:



GODDESS!!

much love and respect Bugsy!

Thanks, all!

I don't know if I am 1/2 of what you think I am, but thanks for the support! I'm doing my best

James, feel free to use any of my material. I have been known as the Queen of the sarcastic comment,,it feels good to have that back in regards to Darc.

I saw an email from Drac in my Inbox,,, I forwarded to my sister to interpret. I haven't read it, but I do know it is about my having called DSS's school counselor last week.

I am sure I am in trouble or have done something HORRIBLY wrong,,,like caring about DSS and instead of going thru Drac, I went straight to the source of the information & support! Shame on me.

It was last WED that I called the school. I'd bet 100 dollars HE did not call at all or at the very least he did not call until today. So he is more concerned about looking bad than helping DSS,,,,and anger with me about the 'how' I did it is the best he can come up with.

Plus, it's not like he can contact me about losing at court yesterday without really looking BAD.

Just trying to break my Peace. Too bad for him that Greater is He who is with Me than anything he can hurl at me!

I will let you all know if the email ends up having anything worth bringing up! Sis is out for the evening, so likely won't know til tomorrow.

I'm with LG on this Bugsy! WOWZERS! I know it's not easy, but you sure do make it LOOK that way.

You really are letting go, and that can only mean good things for you.

Hi Bugs,

How are you doing? Checkin in on you girl.

Happy Friday,

Hey Queenie!

Sorry I have just been so swamped,,,,,and my computer was moving soooo slow these last 2 days I haven't posted! Thanks for checking on me!

Almost to my own suprise, I'm doing very well!

Sis read Drac's email & called me. She told me that "I've had a really bad day and it's all your fault, Bugs!"

I was a bit taken aback,,,,and said "Well, I am sorry, Sis. What did I do?"

She replied, "After reading Drac's email, I figured out that EVERYTHING in the world is your fault, so it must be your fault that even *i* had a bad day!" LOL!!

I was right, Drac was upset about my contacting DSS's school about his grades and also talking to the school counselor about DSS's grades. He'd told me for the previous 2 weeks that HE was contacting them about those things, so I figured he had already done so.

Guess what? He hadn't. So, he was 'really' upset that he was busted for NOT doing what he said he would do for DSS (again). Yet, it's so much better to turn it all around to be about ME doing something wrong. He'd asked me if I had any input for the counselor and I'd told him no. Then, by calling the school myself, it was such a HORRIBLE thing.

He believes I called "to inform them" of the transfer and it's "not my place". I didn't bother to argue back that I didn't call to 'inform' the school of anything,,,, that was HIS job that he'd told me he'd already done. Now granted, I will accept that I probably should have told him I was contacting the school myself directly (looking at the situation in reverse I can see that), but I don't think taking it to such extreme is valid.

Oh, and I am "seriously jeopardizing my relationship with DSS"! That is because when Drac was out of town & DSS had a phone conversation with me, Drac's friends reported to him that DSS "was very upset,,,he didn't want to eat and was acting all shut down" after the call.

So, a third party report of hearing one side of the conversation is now a valid evaluation of my relationship with DSS? Hmmm. Oh, and I guess I should never have a conversation with DSS that he might find unpleasant,,,You know like one about how he is FAILING a class. I suppose that is the was Drac is working with DSS these days? Never having an 'unpleasant' conversation that might upset him? W

While I don't think that is the case,,,let's suppose it is. Either way, just How Well is that working??? DSS is failing a class again,,,,,,,,,,,so I'd say it's not working so great. But, that's just the opinion of someone who is his MOM.

Bottom line is this -

Drac was mad about losing in court

Drac was mad about being BUSTED when I found out he hadn't contacted the school yet

Drac wants me to be 'mom' only when/how HE deems it appropriate

Drac doesn't WANT me to continue to be Mom because he now has a Replacement for me and it's probably a little tougher keeping the Ho happy about the current arrangement

Drac is building his Affair Family Nest and they need a bit a of drama against the Horrible Ex Wife to deflect what they are up to

He is moving the Ho and her son in with them into the A-House. I suspected it, but it was confirmed last night. Drac asked DD the other night what she would think if the ho and her son moved in with them. She said "that would be great!" OUCH!

I didn't say anything, but DD is a smart one. She says to me "Mommy, she's really a nice person." and later said "I'm not betraying you mommy". Now I asked her what she meant by that and why she would say/think that. What 7 year old uses the word "betrayed"? She didn't really have an answer and I didn't pressure her. She was already a bit anxious as she felt she had given up a "secret" by telling me in the first place (yet she says he didn't tell her NOT to tell). I won't put her in the middle with a bunch of questions on that.

And Bugs continues to be a-ok. Yes, I DO still struggle at times. Yes, I still find my mind and emotions to be a battlefield. Yes, there's not a day that I don't wake up thinking about him. Yes, there's not a day that I don't miss the man I fell in love with. Yes, there's not a day that I don't think about what it might be like to see that man again,,,,and for him to be asking for my forgiveness someday. But, those things do not CONSUME my thought or my days as they once did.

The kids and I went out for a nice dinner last night and had a great time. I was especially proud of this as I had just found out the truth about the A-House and I was able to really let it go and have fun with the kids.

Here's the thing,,,, It's going to be what it's going to be. They are going to do what they are going to do. It's highly likely that by moving in together now, it will fall apart even faster than if they lived separately.

Think about it. They just got "back together" in December. That was like their 3rd or 4th "break up" in less than a year. With a track record like that - WOW, I SURE would think moving in together is a GREAT idea!

Yes, I HATE it for my kids. Not that they are in physical danger, but the lessons they are learing by seeing this is not good. However there's nothing I can do to stop it

All I can do is continue to keep a stable, loving home HERE for them. I can do good things for them and for me. Our lives are ours to make happy. Teaching them in the ways I think are good, Godly, healthy, happy, and moral - those are the things I can do.

I keep standing God's promises. The promise that they will get what they deserve is one in particular that is helpful to me a times,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but I try not to think about that one too much! Rather I try to stay focused on the positive promises for ME and I see how God is moving in a positive way in my life everyday. The more I lean on and trust in Him, the more it shows!

The weather here is supposed to be nice this weekend, so I'm hoping we can go play outside today!

I'm glad you are doing ok and moving along.

It's amazing the drama that comes from the other side and I guess the growth for us all BS's is to not get caught up in it and leave it at their door.

Way easier said than done.

amen to this. Pat yourself on the back for the long road it has been to get to this point.

I have to ask, so what kind of a relationship do you have with him. Or you in Plan B or just making the best of a horrible situation and that's why you are caught up in the stuff.

I'm asking because my Plan B is about to happen and in my mind, it could be that I will never talk to him for the rest of my life and that frightens me. To completely let go of the man who is sick and I love with all my heart, knowing that it's possible its for the rest of my life.

Thank G-d I have one day at a time down pretty good. Not great, but pretty good.

Queenie,

I'm not really Plan B. I don't see or talk on the phone with Drac. I haven't seen him in about 8 months. I have talked to him once on the phone about DSS in that 8 months. But, we do have email contact about the kids. I 'try' to keep it limited and as brief as possible. I'm doing better with often not responding at all.


He is determined on the path of building his Affair family. Whatever *I* do in terms of how to deal with him is about what works for me. It's no longer about the hope of recovery or of him finally seeing what he has done. That's in God's hands.

Do I still pray for it,,,,heck yes! Yet, as I said, it's no longer the major controlling factor in my life.

Really, just this week after court, when for the first time I could ridicule with REAL humor the situation, that I TRULY felt like I've let go in a very real way.

I not only 'see' it intellectually as being ridiculous, but I feel more of an Outsider's non-connected feeling about it. I can be sarcastic about it without feeling my gut wrench at the same time. It's really hard to describe.

So, I guess I'm just making the best I can of the horrible circumstance,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I think you have to get to the point of knowing you HAVE to let him go completely in order for God to possibly return him to you. That's what I've tried to do. Long road, hard road, but it CAN be done.

Don't look at me or my story as a good guide on how to Plan B. There are others here that did a much better job of it!

Bugsy:

Watch out for the major 2x4!

Your statement:


COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

YOU ARRIVED HERE, BROKEN AND WONDERING WHAT'S UP, AND IF YOU COULD BE LIKE LILSIS.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

YOU WORKED THE PLAN A.

THEN AFTER DRAC CONTINUED HIS WAYWARD WAYS, YOU WENT TO PLAN B.

YOU AND YOUR GODDESS SELF HAVE COME OUT OF THIS WITH:

-SELF-RESPECT
-A NEW HOME
-A WELL ADJUSTED DD WHO YOU HAVE LEARNED HOW TO MANAGE AROUND DRAC'S BAD PARENTING AND LIFE SKILLS TRAINING
-A LIFE, BUILT ON REAL THINGS, NOT ON "I'LL SHOW THEM!"
-AND SOOO MANY OTHER THINGS....

Please recognize this.

Recovery takes many forms. Saving the marriage is one.

Saving YOURSELF is another.

You have been transformed by this Plan D experience. Drac wanted it and Drac got it. You TRIED. And TRIED to stop the course HE started.

Let Global Warming BE your FAULT according to Drac.

It Just Doesn't Matter.
It JUST DOESN'T MATTER.
It JUST DOESN'T MATTER!
It JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
It JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!!

Your LIFE is good.

Your Recovery has been fantastic.

You have EVERY reason to be proud of your efforts from Plan A to Plan B to Plan D.

Drac will KNOW.....Everyday, that he made the WRONG choice.

I KNEW, EVERYDAY, that I was making a wrong choice. DDay pulled my head out, but I KNEW I had the better one already.

(((BUGSY))) & (((BUGS)))
LG

I'm sorry for this, Bugs. You have a really good attitude about it, but I know that it hurts.

((((((((((Bugs)))))))))))

Bugsy:

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE with LG!!

You are a WONDERFUL ROLE MODEL for Queenie!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I gotta agree with the rest, you are going to come out of this just fine Bugs. Even if Drac never pulls his act together you have a whole life ahead of you, you have become a better person and you have learned so much here.
If you can detach from the outcome, understanding that even if the A ends and his choice is to continue on down a destructive path, you will still be okay. No matter what. That is when you will know you have truly let go. I think you are well on your way, and good things are in store for you.

(((Bugs)))

Now I am the one saying, WOW! Thanks everyone.

LG, I think I'm going to print out your post,,,,that really means a lot to me. Plus, I'm sitting here running that movie scene through my head - the chant of "It Just Doesn't Matter!"

Someday I'll really be totally there. For now, I'm happy with most days feeling that it just doesn't matter. ALL days, I am proud of my accomplishments and I am proud of my kids. A parent can't ask for much more.

Drac's still trying to occassionally poke at me over things with DD. I just give him the minimal, business only, totally brief communications,,,,,,,,,,and only if really necessary. A lot of times he gets nothing from me. The Affair Family will need to find their drama fix elsewhere. Although I am sure that even by not responding, discussion is held about the Evil Ex.

Well, I'm just glad to keep far enough away for when that Karma Bus rolls into their driveway.

Good news for me,,,, I received confirmation of my 2007 bonus payout that is coming this Friday. I am well pleased! It is a very nice boost.

I should also know by Friday if Drac is going to appeal the court decision on the property payout. When that comes through for me, I'll be moving this house into MY name/ownership. Whoo hoo!!

I just feel very blessed to have such great friends/support here. It's been a very long road, but I do have much more peace now than I have had in the last 15 months. The road hasn't ended,, and really never will. Continued self improvement is now a way of life. As God continues to work his plans, I need to be ready for whatever he sends my way!

Also, I still have some milestones to pass in my recovery from the A and the D. I'm not certain what/where/how all of that will come together, but that's ok. For now, I really, really, really, am hoping the bus pulls in for them soon. Not only do I want it to pull in,,,I want it to run them over, back up, and run over them again. As long as I still have visuals like that in my head, I realize my recovery isn't really complete! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DD told me tonight her list of people that she loves. The HO is now on the list. OUCH!! I wanted to pull the stake out of my heart and pound it right into Drac's!

Instead, I took a deep breath and felt pride in the first name on her list - God. We are both so much better now that we have Him at the top of both of our lists!

Time for bed. Thanks so much again everyone!!!

((((((BUGS))))))


There goes my hero!

Hi Bugs!

It's my day to pass through.


Ditto Bugs Bomb! You sound great!

Bugs, that opinion may change when she gets older and realizes the role that HO really played in everything that happened. As an adult, she'll probably appreciate you more for the healthy way you handled it all.

Me, too, Bugs. I think that's how we know we're not Done.

Keep taking those deep breaths when BabyBugs talks about the HO. Teaching them right from wrong is one thing, but we don't want to teach them to hate.

You sound great!

Hi all!

Thanks for the input. SD, it is a fine line to walk, as I do not want to teach her to hate. In fact, I do not allow the use of the word hate at home. I think we do not give the use of that word proper context, especially when it is used all of the time in a casual way. JMHO.

So, update from me. A silly, STUPID move on my part this weekend.

Here's the question I have and the story of my stupid move,,,,


Question - - What is up with the W Ex-H harboring such Anger towards the B ExW?

I'd finally had enough with Drac not keeping with the schedule - - everything from not picking up DSS as he scheduled, to bringing home DD late, to not having the kids call me when they are with him. It has gotten continually worse for some time now. So,,,,,,,,,,,,, I broke Plan B.

Friday night, I did not get a call from the kids. I called an hour after they should have called,,,,after 2 rings, my call was sent to vm. An HOUR after that, I finally get a call from them.

So, after talking to DD, I asked to speak with Drac & asked what the problem is, as this has been happening frequently. He immediately got very defensive, and said "There is no problem".

Bugs, "Ok, then why are the kids not calling as we setup?"

Drac starts YELLING, "She was at a PARTY!"

Bugs, "And?"

Drac, still yelling, "She was at a PARTY!!! WE are VERY busy! WE have a LOT going on in OUR lives!! We are trying to pack, trying to get moved!!!! I wish I were as PERFECT as YOU!!! "

I waited for him to stop yelling and calmly said, "Baby, I've never said I am perfect. In fact, I know I'm far from it. We ALL have a lot going on in our lives, we ALL do. But, I ALWAYS have put your relationship and communication with the kids FIRST. I make sure that your getting to talk to them comes first. I expect and deserve the same respect in return. Goodbye.", and I hung up the phone.

The TRUTH of what went down that night was that DD was at an ADULT jewelry party with the Ho, not a kid party as he would like for me to believe from his statement. Drac wasn't even there at the party with DD. He'd left her there with the ho. That's why my call was sent to VM and that's why it took so long for her to call me back. The HO didn't make sure that DD called.

While it hurts, while I really, really HATE that they are making the Affair Family Home together, I accept that it is happening and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It is what it is.

What I don't understand is the reason for the Attack on me? What's up with that??
So if the happy little affair family is doing their happy little life. Why the attack on me?

I am not prostrate on the floor, rolling around asking WHY WHY WHY? I'm not in tears, I'm not depressed. Yes, I broke Plan B and it does hurt to have him attack me, but I really had had enough and wanted to make it clear that he needs to comply with our agreement. He expects it from me and gets it. It has to go both ways. If he is going to leave DD in her care, then she needs to be in compliance with the agreement as well.

I suppose it is just too inconvenient to have 2 Mommies for his kids these days. With me being the EVIL EX wife, it's always going to be ME causing a problem, instead of it being about him/her/them not holding up their part of the agreement that HE wanted us to have.

One more thing to accept.

Want to know the one really bad thing from this? Having DD tell me last night how the HO "tried to make Daddy stop yelling at you, Mommy".

YIKES!!!

Back to the dark side of Pluto and email only about the kids. Mr. Let's Communicate for the Sake of the Kids isn't worth the wasted breath.

Oh,,,,,,,,, by the way, he has filed with the Court of Appeals about the property $$, asking them to overturn the previous judgement.

Hmmmm, it could get very interesting if they succeed in setting aside the ENTIRE divorce decree. We'd still be married and I would have 1/2 interest in the house they are closing on this Friday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:)

The Lord does work in mysterious ways at times,,,,,,,,,

((((Bugs))))

I'm trying to figure out what to say without just telling you how much I want to hit Drac with a shovel and how much I hate that this is happening to you. Let me put my BR hat on.

So my guess is that most of the outburst is typical WS FogSpewing. You caught him doing something against the agreement and called him on it, and then he got defensive. Or maybe he knows he's being a lousy father to BabyBugs and feels bad about it and lashed out at you.

It could be any number of things, but we know what WS's do when they need to vent frustration--we know at whom the venom will be directed. Especially if they serve themselves up for it by asking to speak to them on the phone. It's, um, why we have this Plan B thingy.

But you know all that. The interesting part was this line:


What's that all about? That sounds like something real--like he's really telling you something there.

But I'm not sure what. BR would know.

Have you given any of the other suggestions any thoughts?
Take back your power.

LG suggested meeting with him.
I suggested telling him off.
I know some more ideas were floated -- have you considered any of them?

Personally, I could not sit back and let little Bugs get attached to HO. I just wouldn't. I admire your patience and tolerance; but at the same time if I were in your shoes I would not do the same.

Bugs:

The time to meet with Drac is past. The window was open there for a little while.

It closed. And that's probably a good thing.

Were you calling to the cell phone for DD and DSS that you are paying for and provided?

And sometimes, that call will not go thru. Even if they are NOT with Drac. Just wait till DSS goes on his first date...

I know that probably MANY times, when the kids call Drac at the designated times, he probably doen't answer either. Beyond your control.

Really.

Why the attack? Because you exposed yourself to him. No target, no attacks. Remember that.

His Life. Your Life.

It just doesn't Matter.

LG