My husband of 17 years left me 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. I finally figured out and have proof that he was having an affair with his best friends wife. We have 2 small children and by most people's standards 'had it all'. Financially, physically, family, you name it. I now understand that between his friends and my focus on work and the kids, that obviously I wasn't meeting his emotional needs. I confronted him about the affair and he admitted it, but still isn't being completely honest about everything. Everytime I see him, which isn't often, he keeps his distance from me. For the first few weeks whenever he would get close to me or touch me, he couldn't keep his hands off of me. My mother died and when he wasn't there for me I lost it and really let him have it. Since then he won't get close enough to me to touch me and literally can't handle being in our house with me, I'm not sure if its too painful or if he just hates me that much. He won't talk to me except to say that we can't work things out because he won't live with someone who doesn't trust him and that it'll never be the same.

I know that he is hurting and in pain. I don't know if he is still seeing the other woman or not, but he started seeing an attorney the day he left and has been proceeding with getting documents to the attorney, he also informed me that he and another friend(who also left his wife)have rented a wonderful house on the lake and he is planning to keep our children there when he has them. Of course I told him that I didn't think that was a good environment for the children(he and the friend are drinking heavily and I just don't think its good for the kids--its basically 2 35 year old men being roommates in a lake/party house). He claims that there won't be any partying going on, etc. I told him he could have the kids but not there, only at his parents house. This really made him angry.

He was a wonderful and loving husband for all these years and although he drank and hung out with friends too much, he was always home at night and was a good person. Most of his friends have turned on him now because the woman involved was another friends wife.

He won't come home, or even consider us working things out. Everytime I see him, he's so cold to me, that it sends me into rage and I go crazy and say over and over again that I don't understand how he can walk out on me and the kids. I just want him to come home so that we can deal with the situation but he is insistant on creating a bachelor life that doesn't include me. There are serious financial pains to both of us, but mostly him because he will have to pay alot of alimony. Not even that seems to sway him home. We built our dream home 2 years ago and I won't be able to keep it. Nothing seems to matter to him anymore. He just says that he screwed up and there is no way to go back or fix it.

I was thinking I was doing plan A, but everytime he is cold and distant to me, I lose it. What should I do? Has anyone been in a situation where he had the affair, left, and refuses to even acknowledge your feelings or try to fix it?

"He won't talk to me except to say that we can't work things out because he won't live with someone who doesn't trust him and that it'll never be the same. "

LOL, that's a good one, right out of the cheaters' handbook! Of course you can't trust him. He is in the midst of an adulterous affair. You would be foolish to trust him.

Plan A is the starting point. You must stop the angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments, and show him what a good wife you can be.

Plan A also includes notifying the other woman's husband, if you are not certain that he knows, and letting friends and family know. And yes, he will be furious. He will get over that though.

Assume the affair is continuing, and THAT is the reason he wants some "space".

Only about 100% of us Heart...Your WH is displaying all the classic WS signs. He is no different than any other cheating spouse, its like they all have the same handbook to go by.

Help is on the way. This is not a hopeless case. First and foremost you HAVE to plan A your husband, work on those things that he may have felt were lacking, meet any emotional needs he will allow you to meet (read the EN's questionnaire on this site) and EXPOSE, EXPOSE - first thing to OW's Betrayed husband and then to HR where they work, WH and OW's parents, friends, anyone who can influence WH and or OW to end the affair.

Get you an attorney and protect yourself if WH intends on going to an attorney right away. Don't get caught sleeping just in case.

Hang in there more help will come soon.

heartbrokensc - welcome to MB and sorry that your circumstances have brought you here.

I echo what has been said - it's all typical responses from a wayward. My sitch is the same as yours, just reversed as I am the BS and my wife is the wayward.

You need to be strong for your kids in all this. Do a plan A with the expectations that you will continue to be hurt cause it's gonna happen. The Harley plan works, others will testify as such.

Above all else, remember that no matter what YOU will make it.

I have told his mother and grandfather and all friends know that he was seeing her, they just don't know that I had a PI that caught them at a MOTEL. I'm not sure that my WS told the OW that a PI taped them at the Motel. Her husband was told that they were seen together in a parking lot hugging and kissing. Of course she denied everything and my attorney said that it wasn't my place to tell him anything, that was his problem. And basically that he knew it, but was in denial. The attorney told me not to call the OWs husband. The OW and her husband are physically still living in the same house, but that is about it. She is denying everything. I'm also afraid that if I tell her husband and family that she will leave her husband to be with my WS. Won't I just push them together if her husband kicks her out?

Do they work together?

Hi, heartbroken,

Yes, he is a typical wayward spouse, saying very typical wayward things. Most of us have heard them all, and then some.

I think he is most definitely in an active affair. My FWH was also VERY distant when he was in his. Didn't want to come near me, the whole bit.

But look at my sig line. Mr. Rlt and I are a success in progress. And I give much do to MarriageBuilders.

You have stumbled on the best chance your marriage has of succeeding.

Keep posting. The good people here will help you tremendously, as they did for me.

I love them all.

No they don't work together

Just remember, your attorney give advice for divorce and we give advice on marriage building. Affairs thrive on secrecy

As MelodyLane would say - Expose, Expose, Expose. Shine the light of truth and tell OW's husband and anyone else who could put pressure on the affair.

hb, your attorney is giving you terrible advice. An attorney's goal is to faciliate an amicable DIVORCE, but if you want to save your marriage, you sbould expose this affair. It is in your best interest to make sure the OWH has the correct evidence about HIS LIFE so he knows the truth about his own life. By NOT telling him, you are ENABLING THE OW TO CARRY ON HER AFFAIR WITH YOUR H. So, please get ahold of him and tell him you have documented evidence from a PI. Remove her ability to deny, bh.

I would also suggest contacting Steve Harley of Marriage Builders and gettng his help with Plan A. It sounds like you are shooting yourself in the foot with lovebusting and he can help you with this.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

hb,

Listen to Mel,she is spot on about attorney's. Their job in most cases (as they see it) is to settle a case before court with as little work or drama as possible. He most certainly isn't considering that you may want to still be married to your WH.

Expose to OW's H today if not sooner

ok, if you were him, which one would you choose to spend time with:

1. raging wife who "goes crazy" with fury

2. sweet, pleasant, adoring OW

Who do you think a person would want to be around?

Can you see how you are HELPING THE OW when you lambast him? You are PUSHING him into her arms every time you give into your feelings of RAGE. You have every RIGHT to be ENRAGED because you are being RAPED, but reacting on it HELPS THE OW and harms your chances of attracting him to your marriage.

So, whose side are you on, HB? Yours or HERS? Are you going to be on the HelptheHo-Bag program or the HelpYourself program?

Is there anyway for me to tell the husband or let him know without me telling him. I just don't want to be the one to do it because I know my WH will NEVER forgive me, not to mention the OW's BS will probably kill him. And I will be the one that is to blame.

Your H WILL forgive you if he wants to save the marriage, which isn't going to happen unless you bust up this affair. You are not helping your case by helping him hide his affair, that is called ENABLING. The greatest threat to your marriage is the AFFAIR, not your H's temporary anger about interfering in his affair.


Your H and the OW are not worried about this,. so why are you? She knows him better than anyone, after all.

HB, you need to tell the OWH exactly who you are so you can TAKE CREDIT FOR EXPOSING THEM. You are not in a position where you have to HIDE like a COCKROACH, you are doing nothing wrong. The OWH needs to be your ALLY in busting up this affair.

In addition to the OWH, I would expose to the OW's PARENTS. Make a list of exposure targets and call them all at the same time, starting with the OWH. Go next to their EMPLOYER. That way, it will have a TSUNAMI EFFECT on the affairees and prevent them from pre-empting you and spinning the story.

HBSC:

I will pull this off of Mel's post:

"ok, if you were him, which one would you choose to spend time with:

1. raging wife who "goes crazy" with fury

2. sweet, pleasant, adoring OW

Who do you think a person would want to be around? "

Your Husband will continue to pick OW. Every Day. Then one day, you will be divorced, and wondering why and how that happened.

And we can only help changing you.

Are you furious with your Husband?

Can't believe where this person came to occupy his body?

YES.

But, you can't win this thing by being outwardly angry, abusive or always questioning him about how he could do this.

You can get angry, but use that anger to help you win this thing instead of the losing it.

Because you have all the advantages, and the OW only has one.

And once you take that advantage away from her, the recovery of your marriage can begin.

What is her advantage right now?

That your WH feels SAFE with her.

Once you strip that away, then OW loses her luster and she starts lovebusting her A partner.

Please read BugsMom Thread from the beginning>>> BugsMom Thread

You will learn a tremendous amount of info about what MB is and how to attrast your H back.

Bugs hasn't succeeded yet, but will!

So.

Next time you see him, BE the WOMAN he Fell in love with.

That is the beginning of Plan A.

LG

Post deleted by heartbrokensc

You did the right thing.

Now batten down the hatches and prepare for your husband to be furious. He will tell you that this is the final straw, he might have worked on the marriage, but now he's done, he is filing for divorce, it was none of your business, you went about this the wrong way, how could you hurt the OW like that, he will never trust you, you have ruined everything, blah, blah, blah.

You respond by telling hubby that you will do what it takes to save your marriage.

well morally and ethically you did the right thing...

while humans suffer a multitude of atrocities...one of the greatest atrocities from an affair is the BS denied right to make informed decisions..

about their lives, financial...logistically
their children
and their even their own life....(STDS)

you had the knowledge that the OW's husband deserves to have....

the other thing is that the pattern has been established by you right now that pretty much all contact that you and hubby do have...breaks down in to an emotional mess...

if you want to get your WS attention atleast...

change the pattern....

that's what plan A is about...
it's about slowly insidiously even...opening up small routes of safe commuication.....

the most most most most important key to getting plan A to work lays within you EXPECTING NOTHING

and I mean NOTHING>....
no response

so you let go of expecting

remorse
relationship talk
feelings
emotions
he said
she said
APOLOGIES
NO talk of OW....
pretty much expect nadda

goals are yours...

that you get three smiles at him when you see him next...

that you smell and look FABULOUS when you see him...

that you say things he doesn't expect...

I worry that you look so tired..
I worry that you aren't eating healthy...

you ask questions..

how are you sleeping at night....sometimes it's really hard for me sleep.....

you leave sentences and memories hanging in the air...with no expectations...

I saw this really funny card the other...and thought of you....
then I remembered you don't want to hear funny things from me...
and in a way it made it even more funny...

and leave that sentence hanging there....

in the air....

and move on to a different subject...

you pack an encounter with things that jog his memory
with things that make him think...

and you lay NO expectations on him what so ever....

keep encounters short right now if you have to...

he expects venom...cause so far that's all he's gotten....
so change that....

and grab his attention in smal tiny ways...
and build on each encounter till he knows you are safe..

ARK^^

Thanks guys. I will post in the morning and let you know how truly bad things get tonight.

The usual pattern is that OW's husband will confront her, and she will immediately contact your husband to complain about you telling her husband. It never occurs to the cheaters that THEY are the ones who caused all the uproar.