I need help. My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2yrs. We have been married for 3yrs. In April 2007 I found out my husband was lying to me and spending a considerable amount of time with a female friend. Things had been rocky for us for a while but I thought he was just stressed at work and that it would get better. After I followed the two of them to a lunch date on our anniversary I confronted him about my suspicions and he told me they were just friends and that he wanted to separate because his feelings for me had changed. I was devastated but I agreed. After we agreed to separate he starting sleeping at her house several times a week. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore so I moved out of our home. We continued to talk and see each other and it was like nothing had happened. Then every time he would run back to her. I admit a couple of times I lost my temper and did bad things like break our wedding stuff in the house and I let the air out of his tires one night when he slept there. I since quit that nonsense and tried my best to follow Plan A. He would tell me he misses me and misses being together and happy like we were. He says he thinks if we got back together now things would be good for a bit then go right back to the way they were. Each time we were together we would have wonderful talks, amazing sex and laugh and enjoy each other’s company just like when we were married but he would try to avoid any discussions about our situation. Then the very next day he would be with her back and forth. Finally on July 17, 2007. I went to Plan B. I told him we couldn’t talk again until he was ready to working on us and get rid of her. I’m so afraid he won’t come back. I love him so much and this is so hard. I need advise.

any children?

No children. He has a daughter from a previous marriage.

I forgot to mention the OW has cancer and is in Chemo right now he says she is his friend and he is supporting her. He said he knows I will never except their friendship because in June he admitted to having a PA with her. Is their hope for me?

LBT,

This may sound incredibly rude and crass, but... are you sure she's got cancer? Sounds like something a WS might come up with to defend spending time with OW.

I thought so too. But she was a long time friend of his and this is her third bout with ovarian cancer. She had a biopsee done in June and now is having her ovaries romoved. I actually had a surprise phone message last Friday on my cell. My WH's cell phone accidentally dialed my cell and recorded a 10min long conversation of theirs while driving. She was talking about the cancer. She also has lost a significant amount of weight caused by Chemo.

I screwed up last night I TM my WH and asked how he was doing. He responded that he was working alot and very tired. He asked me my plans for the weekend. I told him I had no plans yet thinking he was going to ask me. It turns out he is going to a mutual friend of ours party and wanted to make sure I wasn't there. Eventually I called him because our TM's usually turn into hour long conversations. We talked about us. It was mostly good. He said he misses me and has been thinking a lot about us. Good and bad. I'm trying to be patient but it so hard being away from him. Should I not be talking to him at all? How long should I leave him alone for?

lostbutt

first of all you aren't in plan B without doing plan A...

plan B only occurs after following plan A which is a several month endeavor...in which the BS addresses issues in the marriage that weren't working and shows over time consistancy in change...

THUS
removing the arguement that things would just go back to the same ole...same ole...

you should get yourself in to plan A...

you should see if you can get yourself an invite to the party...

you should also hunker down and read this site so that you truly understand it....and then decide if you want to follow the program...

because you also need to consider your age...and whether or not you want to have children
and
whether or not this is the man you want to father your children....

you are young..
newly married
and he's cheating on you....

anyways back to the marriage builders program....

if you decide to follow it then..

then you go to plan A in which you place yourself in contact with him and try to make each and every contact a positive thing....

you totally give up during plan A any thoughts or expectation of commiting to A THING from him

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK
NO APOLOGIES
NO RECIPROCAL GIVING FROM HIM...

and when you can do that...

Plan A becomes a breeze....

so if you decide plan A,,,,
call the mutual friend....
see if you can come...

go
be gracious
charming
and friendly....

do you think he is planning on taking the OW to the party...

have you exposed his abandonment to his family, friend...ie the party thrower one...etc


ARK

Thanks for the comments.

I know my age makes most people think I'm crazy for attempting to restore my marriage. But I love this man very much! I tried plan A at first but I guess I didn't totally do it right. I talked about our crisis and we had many ups and downs and good moments in between. I have exposed the affair to everyone who will listen. We live in a small town and everyone knows us so I made it very public. That is one of the reasons Plan A was so volitile. He is still very angry I exposed the affair. He says he will never get over it. I went out with friends Friday night and my WH showed up with the OW when he was suppose to be working. I tried to talked to him but he declined and she stepped right between us so I couldn't say anything to him. The next day he threatened to beat up the guys that had joined my friends and I. I did go to the party on Saturday and my WH did not show up probably because he could not bring the OW. She is not very well liked in town as this is her 5th affair. All his friends were there and want us to work this out. Sunday evening my WH came to my appartment to fix a burnt out light bulb. Well that was the excuse. We had a nice time but we agreed not to speak until August 1. So now I wait. Do you think it is wise for me to start Plan A again this time fully commit to it without and disagreements to his behaviour? I'm confused.