We are trying to sort things out following my husbands confession to seeing a work colleague over the past 5 months. Queston is... should I tell her husband? Apparently there was never any sex, just kissing, texting et. and never away from work. He tells me that they first kissed each other late last year and both said it was a mistake (one that the chose to re-convene early this year) However, after the first kiss she confessed to her husband (guilt?) and he wanted to come round to our house and basically kill (his words) my husband. However, the OW talked him out of it, out of respect for our 14 year old daughter. Apparently that was the only thing that stopped him back then. What should I do?? I want her to suffer like I have and risk losing her own marraiage like I have but am scared that if I tell him he will come looking for my husband and my daughter will a) witness something unpleasant and more importantly find out that her dad had been seeing someone else. We have protected her from this at all costs, something that we jointly agreed from the start. We always have got on very well and our relationship in front of our daughter has always been close and positive and I would never want to put her relationship with her dad in jeapardy, particularly now when we I am considering giving him another chance and attempt to forgive him for the affair. Any advice will be greatly appreciated, Thank You

It's your call if you fear for physical safety... but I'd expose it. Call the police if you have to and get a restraining order. You can't live in fear like that and if your WH continues with OW it's only a matter of time before he finds out again.

Is he still seeing her? They work together? Expose it at their place of employment. One or both may need to seek employment elsewhere, otherwise you will never be able to achieve no contact (NC).

Time for Plan A, exposure, no contact, change jobs - whatever it takes to shed light on the affair and kill it.

JinGA

Loubie, how do you know this? Did you speak directly to the OW's husband, or is this what you were told by the infidels?

DiD you hear this from your WH? They will say anything to cover up "their" stuff...

And I agree with jinga time for plan A, etc.

No, he called her the following morning after I found out and told her it was over (see my post on "Just found out" Its called He did it again for the 2nd time.

Yes, he works with her. She is based in the office and he works away a lot but they have to have telephone contact for their jobs. She prepares files etc... and he carries out the work all over the country. I have actually met them both and he seems a lovely person at frst impressions. They both came to our house last year and so knows where we live. They live about an hour away from us but he works just down the road and I have to pass his company every day....it would be so easy to call in and ask to see him. I hate her and want her to suffer for doing this. Just worried about my daughter finding out about the OW. Also, what do you say to his employer? Its an average size company and not even sure of they have a HR dept. In terms of exposure, he actually confessed all to his parents as he is back with them for a while to give me some space to think about us and if I can give him another chance. We are in regular contact and talk for hours in a civil way. Juat hate the thought of her 'carrying on as normal with her life'

Loubie, it is very common for adulterous WIVES to lie about a "violent husband" in order to protect themselves from the consequences of their affair. See, if she convinces your H that he is 'violent" then she has pandered your H's pity and hopefully, scared him from ever telling her H.

However, if he were really "violent" as she says, the last thing she would do is have an affair. Apparently, she was not concerned about it herself or she would not have had the affair.

So yes, I would tell the OWH so he can protect himself from your H and his wife. He has a right and a need to know the truth about his own life.

Secondly, your marriage cannot recover from this until ALL CONTACT with the OW is ended. That is the FIRST STEP towards recovery. That means he cannot withdraw until contact is ended. Otherwise, you are looking of years of on again, off again AFFAIR if they continue to work together. We have affairs on this forum that turned into 4,5, and 10 yr affairs because they ignored this step.

And lastly, there is absolutely no reason your DD should not be told about the affair. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Illusions do not make kids happy.

Hi Graplin, yes thats what my husband told me after confessing to the affair. Well actually, i found out about the affair first, he denied it and then when he realised he couldnt lie any more, he confessed.

I guess you need to decide if you want to try to save your marriage or not?

If he's living apart from you, that drives a bigger wedge as well as providing more opportunities for contact.

It needs to be exposed at work. One or the other needs to go. If you want to save your marriage, that is the best chance right there - no contact - for any reason, for life.

If you want to save your marriage, start Plan A, have him move back home. Expose the affair at work and to her husband and do what you need to do for safety if need be. Living like you are now is not safer because if there is continued contact and if the OWH is violent, it's only going to escalate over time.

JMHO

JinGA

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

If the only reason you want to expose to her H is to hurt her then let it go, this is only hurting you in the long run...

Do yourself a favor and take the higher ground...

Two wrongs don't make a right!

huh? you kicked him out? That was not a good idea, Loubie. That leaves him pretty free to carry on his affair unimpeded at a very vulnerable time. I would suggest you expose to the OWH and stay in contact with him until they are completely seperated. One of them will need to leave the job if your marriage is going to make it.

I would also suggest that you get him back home. You can't work on the marriage if he is not there.

I think the higher ground is to tell the OWH no matter what the motivation. Her motivation does not negate the OWH's need to know. I fully understand her feeling that she wants to hurt the OW; that is only natural after what she has done to her. It would WRONG of her to not tell the OWH.

Thanks for the advice I think that I am going to speak to her husband, after all he deserves to know the truth. If I am keeping that from him, then that makes me no better than my husand and the OW. Not really sure what to say to his employer though. I have her number so maybe could call her to tell her that she needs to look for another job instead?? Once I have done all of that and she **** has hit the fan, who knows my husband may be so ****** off with me he may not want to come back and try again?

I should have wrote more clearly, I believe in exposure, but for personal growth, these intentions are harmful!

Of course, he has the right to know...he is living with a liar also and he has some choices to make on his own!

I wouldn't go to OW instead of the employer. Don't give either of them a heads up that you are going to expose. Go to the HR department or the manager or whomever is in charge. Tell them of the affair and ask them what they intend to do about it.

Going to the OW or your WH won't be effective in this, and may be more painful for you.

Just get ready to hunker down when it all hits the fan, because WH *WILL* be peeved off, to say the least.

JinGA

Strivin4Better, her motivations are exactly correct, she wants to see justice done, which is a sign of decency. It is an injustice for the OW to be protected from the consequences of her cruel actions. Even so, her motivations are irrelvant, what matters is that this is the right thing to do. For all involved.

Loubie,

Expose to the OWH right away. I can tell you that my husband told me the same thing about OWH. Said he was violent and had been prosecuted for assualt in the past yada yada. All of that was lies. OWH was a very nice person who was incredibly hurt by what his wife had done to him. He didn't even raise his voice during my conversation with him. You can't believe a thing a cheating spouse tells you about their affair, or the other person. I would bet that OWH is probably a normal reasonable person who needs to know what is going on! It sounds to me like your husband had a physical affair (more than just kissing) and is lying to you to avoid the consequences of his actions. You can't be sure that the affair has ended until you can enforce no contact. That means your husband leaves his job and exposure has happened to anyone that can monitor your husbands activities (family, friends, coworkers, and that includes her family as well). Melodylane is giving you some good advice. Check out the Spying 101 thread and the Exposure thread. If your husband is willing to come home, let him. Good luck to you and keep posting. MB will see you through this.

I wouldn't suggest contacting her, Loubie. Instead, send a letter to Human Resources telling about the affair. If your H is serious about working on his marriage, he should be willing to leave that job or do what it takes anyway.

Loubie, adulterers lie.

They lie to their spouses, they lie to their adultery partners, they lie to themselves.

I sincerely doubt that the OW's husband has a clue of what his wife is doing with your WH. Husbands are less likely to pick up the "something's wrong" vibes of infidelity than are women.

Expose to OW's H now, not later. It is the decent and right thing to do!

The adulterers can deal with the fallout.