Where I live after you get a D, your name goes in the newspaper. I don't really feel comfortable with that. It really is no ones' business. It's not like we are criminals or anything.

I asked my lawyer about it and was told that it is a public record. That may be true, but if anyone is interested, then let them go to the courthouse themselves to look up my record. Why torture me again by having to read your failure in the newspaper?

Mine should be in the paper soon. I expect some calls from people that had no clue. Not looking forward to that.

Just my 2 cents...

It's a protection for you, Cat. There is legally published documentation so that if X gets wayward with your credit after the fact, you have published documentation as well as legal documentation the the fool at the bank had no business extending credit on both histories...

In other words, no further cheating on you.

Getting the phone calls might be uncomfortable. It was embarressing for me when people heard 2nd hand from someone we both knew about our splitting up. I tried to be discrete and classy and I definitely did not spew out the history of everything. Just responded "I'm sorry too," or "Thank you for caring." That sort of thing. And turned the conversation toward the commenter, "And how are YOU doing?"

There were friends who through the years had supported me, who knew about the OW, who knew my STBXH, they got more info and I leaned on them. But unless they had been part of my support system, I only gave them courtesy.

A very few people tried to pry. They were people who live vicariously through other's pain. I answered them with silence or with "That's in the past now" type answers.

Try having a pat, standard response, something firm and polite. It helped me to cope with the news getting out.

I wonder how many people have so much time on their hands that they read that section of the paper.

As my mom would say "it's a tempest in a teapot." (This is the same woman who's worst cuss phrases are "shoot the dog" and "good night nurse"). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I like Bellevue's response. Short, to the point, and it doesn't open the door to further conversation on that topic. Keep it handy if someone asks.

Just my 2 cents--
It wasn't your failure.

The D notices are right on the inside of the front page. Kind of hard to miss. They are printed along with the arressts and criminal doings of people.

I think we live in a world where people just like to read [email]cr@p[/email] that like and like Bell said, they live vicariously through other's pain.

I do already have a "script" I will use if and when the phone calls come.

As I stated in my other posts, I am having a very hard time with revenge now. Some days I want my Ex to suffer for all the he** he put me through, and sometimes I just want to blast him to everyone who asks about my D and tell them I D'd him because he cheated on me. I don't know, I know that's not the right thing to do, but I feel like I need to tell people that it wasn't my fault that we D'd, even so sometimes I think it was. Guess it gives me a clear conscience. Silly...

You got divorced because your EX WH chose to have an affair and live with another woman and you choose not to participate in a marriage that involved three persons. PERIOD.

No matter what other faults were in your marriage, yours or his they could have been addressed, but not this one. You can't be in a marriage where three people are hanging out.

Those who really know you and care about you likely already know you're divorced. Anyone who has to read about it in the paper either don't know you, or if they would use that info to pry or whatever... they aren't worth the bother.

JinGA

I guess I just think about the kid's teacher's or their friend's parents seeing it.

I guess I really need to get over the stigma I associate with D. 50% of people get D'd, it's not the black mark as it used to be, but believe it or not. I even have a hard time saying "I'm divorced". I just don't want my kid's to feel uncomfortable with their last name plastered in the paper.

Before this happened to me, I would have thought that I wouldn't want anybody to know - that I'd be ashamed and secretive over the facts. As a result, when I would hear about it happening to others, I carefully avoided the topic.

When it did happen, I did the opposite - I told everybody under the sun including people I barely knew. At first I needed to - perhaps to unload? But also, I needed to explain why I was not myself and why I was a walking train wreck. Word spread quickly and soon even more people I barely knew were asking me about it and offering me help. In fact, the positive support I received was (and still is) overwelming.

Though I don't think I'd be comfortable with it going in the paper, especially on page 2 with the criminals (that's a bit of a low blow), I suspect that any response you get from it (and your children) will be surprisingly supportive. I understand the "shame" you are expecting to feel from it - and as other say it is misguided because you did nothing wrong. But if nothing else, this shows the world that you stuck to your vows, were a good wife and your idiot WH didn't deserve you.

Cat:

Hope that this is the ONLY reason your name gets in the paper.

LG

LG, Yes, I sure it could be worse, just don't want my name to be in the paper at all!


Tabby, I can absolutely relate to you. I am telling people that don't know me at all, why I got D'd, Ex cheated etc. I went to the electric company today to change my account in my name. Told the lady there why I was doing it, I just got D'd, Ex cheated etc. I'm sure she really didn't need to know all I told her, yet did I do it to get sympathy? Did I do it to justify that I did the right thing by D'ing?

Is it the sympathy I'm looking for, is it to justify to others and maybe even to myself, that I was the better person. I didn't commit adultery and ruin my family. No I wasn't perfect in the M, but at least I honered my vows.

I guess in a sick way that is what I am trying to do. By telling everyone my situation, I'm telling them that it was his fault for the D, he cheated, he was the bad person and that's why I D'd him. I honored my vows, I didn't destroy my family like he did.

Not a very productive way to be I guess, but right now that is what is helping me cope.