Hoping FWHs can answer a question, and hope I'm asking it clearly:

When I first asked my H if he loved the OW, he paused for a long time, and then said no, but said he had "very strong feelings for her." He also said she was very attractive, and that conversation (his #1 EN) with her was a "10." Earlier, before D-day,he also said he was thinking we should get a divorce, because we had "grown apart" and were just "going through the motions."

Now, almost a year later, when I ask him questions about the A, he tells me she was only ever a friend, he only had feelings of friendship for her,she was not that attractive, I'm more attractive, that I satisfy his EN for conversation (I'm NOT a conversationalist by nature and have to try very hard at it) and that he would never have left me.

When I point out the discrepancy, he says he doesn't remember how he felt then, he only knows how he feels now.

Do you remember how you felt then, or have time and circumstances changed you so that when you think back on the A, you honestly don't feel those feelings any more?

Or is this just an example of rewriting history, but in reverse?

Thanks for your help; sorry if this question is muddled - I can't seem to clearly write what I want to ask!

All I can say as a FWH is that I tried to convince myself of things to help justify myself. A way to "hide from the guilt", so to speak. I'm sure this is very common among WSs. I remember trying to tell myself that my marriage was bad, that my wife wasn't that attractive, etc., etc. I knew, inside, that it wasn't the case.
That's just my memories of how I acted back then. Don't know if that helped much.
Rock

Tami here, just a quick question. Did you feel intense love for the OW? And how long did it go on before you came to your senses? I really want insight from a WS male, my H had A w/co worker/family friend and now he's conflicted as to where he needs to be. He says he's in love w/her and need her. She's married and her H knows about the A. Did you try to see your OW after the fact? And did you hope your spouse would find out so she would make a decision for you? I'm on the edge of starting Plan B, not by my choice.

I never felt any love for the OW. I think what I liked, then, was just getting my ego stroked. I think she thought that she was in love with me, but I never felt that way. My A went on for about 3 months. After 2, I believe I had come to my senses and was thinking of ways to get out of it without getting caught. I was actually sort of relieved when I finally got caught.
I never felt any love. I might have told OW that because that is what she wanted to hear. So I doubt that I am much help.
I made no effort to see the OW after D-day.

Thanks for answering. Congrates on your 25, i hope to see mine. I guess all our marriages are WIP (work in progress). Cont. happiness in your recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No problem. Thank you.

I know you asked for FWH's insight, I am a FWW and wanted to give my 2 cents (hope you don't mind).

There are a lot of things I see differently now vs when I was in my A and there are a lot of things I really don't remember any longer. As the A bubble deflated and I started to see things more clearly I realized a lot of what I saw just weren't the way they seemed. There are even many details that I just can't recall any longer.

IMO, your H isn't rewriting history, he is probably seeing things in a different light.

LC

Broken:

What's your Point?

Did your FWH think that the OW was attractive, talkitive and he was in "love" with her at the time of the A?

Yes.

Maybe still does. But you are still concerned about it.

Your FWH was attracted to this OW for what reasons?

Have you met some of those reasons, since Dday, and become more of the W that your FWH wanted?

Has he become more of the H you wanted him to be?

Become the GODDESS.

And don't question where he was THEN. Compliment him on where he is NOW.

HE realizes that he screwed up, and he knows to stay anything else besides what he is saying now, hurts you.

So don't make him have to bring it up anymore.

If there is info about the A that you just HAVE To know, that is a different issue, and make a list and work through those with him. And if you get an answer that you believe is truthful, then you don't need to ask it again.

But asking him now, if he loved her then? You know the answer. You find it very difficult to believe that he could have done that, but he did.

He loves you now. I hope he has made you the center of his life. If he hasn't then you still have aways to travel on the recovery road.

But a STOP sign on the recovery road is to be asked regularly: "Did you "love" Her." Or other questions that really do not create growth in the M, only

Don't worry, My BS knows what she needs to know. and she can ask me anytime for clarification/additional info about what was going on. But she doesn't question things that have been answered, and then looking for those answers to be modified later to make her feel better.

OW is out of our lives now. That's what matters. OUR M and OUR R matter now. Concentrate on GROWING your M and your connections.

I'm not trying to be harsh here. Remember that the OW would never grill him about what his "feelings" were. She would just sleep with him and told him that he was great. Just like my OW.

Just my 2 cents

LG

WONDERFUL POST, LG!!

Again, you speak the words of my H....

We have had conversations where I have heard him express your THOUGHTS here almost EXACTLY...when I was "GRILLING" him inappropriately.."You did such and such with and for HER; why not ME"?, etc....Him saying, "I choose YOU, I want YOU", etc.

It's WONDERFUL that you are taking the time to share here..hope folks are listening...



I saw this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe BUGS and I should start a GODDESS TRAINING thread...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi:

GODDESS TRAINING!

First:
Sunglasses! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Next:
A Victoria's Secret Account! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Third:
Start the thread elsewhere, so that we do not clutter this one up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

((MIMI))

LG