Hello everyone.I am a newbie. here is my predicament:>
Married 20 yrs aug. 29th
I am 46 he is 44
One child, 29, (mine from my very short 1st marriege, teen pregnancy)One grandson, 3 1/2.
He is a great stepdad. Better dad than the bio--dad.
Daughter married, lives right up the street, son in law, good guy, but not home much (he is a chef)
O.K.

Hubby is a service tecnicion. Large territory. Works from his truck, commercial accounts (he is a repair mechanic for building systems) company cell phone, we have internet at home, he doesn't go online much if at all.
(THAT I AM AWARE OF)

He has a co. laptop, claims it has no internet connection, but it has never comes into the house. I have asked him to, but always has an excuse on why would I want to see it? there is nothing to see.
Here are my "signs" I see, from him, which have brought me to the very un-happy conclusion he is cheating:

3 or so yrs ago he was mean to me alot.Yelled at me for stupid things. Started finding fault with me for un-important stuff.
Mopey, moody, mood swings.
Found out (after we made love, and I went to look at our hands, matched up together) he had stopped wearing his wedding band. ALWAYS WORE IT BEFOR.

Said it was because work the ring got stuck ,and he hurt his finger (YA, HIS FINGER GOT STUCK BUT ON THE OTHER HAND. FOUND THIS OUT As HE WAS RE-TELLING THE STORY TO SOMEONE ELSE, AND HELD UP HIS RIGHT HAND)
Never gave me an explanation why. And, he made a comment that he was pissed it took me months to notice that he wasn't wearing it.

Very distant, love making became mechanical, stopped kissing me the way he used to, almost no affection, and when I complained, he would go along, with little enthusiasm.

Then, he would tell me IHAD THE PROBLEM..NOT HIM. And then, it's all in my head.

Now...

He isn't out at night
No phone hang-ups
generally comes right home from work
No lipstick on his collar
No separate vacations
No obvious cc charges
Does spend a good part of his free time with me and our kid/granddchild


To add: he is actively trying to lose weight (he was always overweight, our whole relationship, and never cared how he dressed/looked) and now he IS VERY INTERESTED IN HOW HE LOOKS.

Distant, he even looks guilty
Stoppoed caring about our house (although, he has sporadically gone b-tween caring and startng projects, to not caring)
Goes from being really nice to me, to ignoring/tolerating me, to be downright mean.

O.k., so the internet/e-mail thing isn't an option (not on our p.c, and as I stated above I have ABSOLUTELY NO ACCESs TO HIS LAPTOP.

His cell phone is thru work...no way to get the actual records..although I am starting to check his call log.

And, yes, sometimes during the day, I have been un-able to reach him. And his explanation is either to not say anthing, or just geez, i don't know..

And the biggie from my end:

I HAVE THIS AWFUL, HORRIBLE, SICK TO MY STOMACH THING THAT HE HAS CHEATED, IF HE ISN'T CURRENTLY.


I am buying a voice activated tape recorder, and I'm going to put it in his work truck.
I do not have the $ for a PI.


Help anybody. I feel like I am losing m mind.

Has this been going on for 3 yrs? How's your marriage in general? Have you looked at whether you're doing a lot of LB (Love Busters)? Could it be mid life crisis? I would follow your instincts as much as possible. Do you know any of his co-workers?

My last post did not show up...

He is dishonest at times, isn't all that interested in my emotional needs, acts put out when I ask him to do even the smallest thing.

I have to stop being so nice to him all the time. Is it possible to skip over part a and go right to part B?

He has been on a path of incredible self-centered-ness....but only in regards to me.

To everyone else, he is mister fix it, nice guy, jumps at the chance to go do work for anybody else. But, if I ask him totake out the garbage, he gets annoyed.

I wonder when I stopped being important to him. I wonder what I did to have him be so disgusted with me.

I am buying a digital long play tape recorder. I am going to put it under the seat in his truck.

I will retrieve it while he is in the shower , and listen to it while on my way to work.

I am 100% positive, that if he is cheating now, I will hear him talking to her. He spends a lot of time driving.

I have asked him over the past few months if he is cheating, he alsways looks me straight in the eye, and says he could never do that to me. I have never questioned whether or not he loves me....I KNOW he does. I know someone can cheat, and still love thier SO.

IHe looks so guilty....like he wants me to find out, or he wants to tell me. After being together for so long, I know him better than anyone.

He has commented to me, and others, that I am not the type to cheat, and I am not. I have never ever been attracted to another man, not my whoke life. Jeez, is that normal?

SB,

Please go and check out/or buy the HisNeed/Her Needs book and read it. Also, read everything on this site. There are some red flags...the ring thing, the mood swings, being secretive about the laptop. You are in the right place to get help whether he's cheating or not.

Thank you bring it on.

I have read a lot of the info on this iste.

We are talking more now than in recent history.

He swears that the "signs" I have referred to are his having been in a very stressful job....He changed job s roughly 18 mos ago.

His explanation about not wearing his wedding band was that he was generally un-happy, and blamed me in part for some of it.

He started wearing it again about 5 mos ago when I told him how sad I was that he stopped.

We used to have a race team, I had a bad wreck about 4 yrs ago, and right after that is when the probs really started.

He was the crew chief of my team, and my crash was a direct result of a mechanical failure due to him...so he has had a big weight of guilt on his shoulders.

I soooo want to believe him. He swears up and down, looks me right in the eye, that he has never cheated.

I have lost a lot of self esteem since the crash. So has he. It was very exciting for both of us....when it ended it was very hard on both of us.

I became very whiney and needy....I blame myself for pushing him away.

Can anyone testify, from their own experience,that they had the same suspicions, and there was no adultery?

I am afraid to go the taperecorder route, because that (to me anyway,) is the only way I will know if he is cheating. I don't think he is currently....I think he did at one time, and ended it.

Not knowing is making me physically ill.

Any feedback is welcome,please and thank you.

Of course everyones situation is different. I didn't have any "classic" clues to my H's affair. But I also "felt" like it was happening and it was! I didn't find definite proof sill several months later after my first gut suspicions.