I know many people on the website are the ones who have been betrayed. I was the betrayer. I have been married for 10 years. I deeply love my husband. More than words can describe. We have beautiful children together and a nice life. Or we did. About a year ago my husband wanted to make our marriage "better". At the time I didn't understand what was wrong with it in the first place. I am not the greatest communicator. I pretty much stink at it. Anyway, this went on for a couple of months. I didn't know what he was asking of me. He said that part of it was that he didn't trust me. He felt like he wasn't the only one that I had been with since we've been together. Over the years I have told him that he is the only one and he has always been since we were together. Well, that wasn't the truth. The truth is that I cheated on him about 3 months into our relationship. We were living together and fighting a lot. It was a horrible thing to do and it was the only time out of our entire relationship that I strayed. I felt awful about it and I conned myself into believing that I was going to leave him the next day. I didn't break up with him. We talked the next day about fighting and that we were going to work it out. I never told him about the one night stand until 10 months ago. Since then our marriage has been taking a tremendous dive. I can't fix this. He feels betrayed that I've lied to him all of these years. He says that I wasn't the person he thought I was and that I manipulated him. He thinks that I have strayed more than once. He doesn't trust me at all. Questions where I've been and what I've been doing. I don't know how to build trust again after a horrible mistake. I have showed repentance, I have apologized everyday since then. I have also asked him what I can do to make it right. He doesn't know. He tells me that I need to fix it. I don't know what to do. Not being a good communicator doesn't help my situation either. I can't seem to just talk. I've read about 4 books now to help me. I read The Five Languages of Love. It was a good book. And after I read it I realized what my husband was asking me from the beginning, achieving a better marriage. The stress from our children, life and then the not trusting is pulling us under. I need to help my husband cope with my lie before we drown. What can I do?

SAF:

Stay around here.

Understand that your not telling him about your A infected every part of your R with him.

You have known for 10 years, he has known for 10 months. He has alot of catching up to do.

Get the book, Surviving An Affair (SAA) from this website. You will learn a whole lot about what YOU need to do to fix this.

This can be the straw that breaks the back of your m, or it can be the start of a Great Marriage.

Take the lead in recovery.

Have you told him everything about the A?

If not, answer every question he might have. If he doesn't have any right now, for whatever reason, then make sure that you can answer them when they come up.

Have you started being open and honest with him in everything else in regards to your M.

Also buy His Needs, Her Needs from this website, and READ it. IT will explain much about the pressures that build up inside your marriage.

LG

It's quite understandable that he doesn't trust you.

You can take the lead here by earning his trust. Be completely transparent.

Some things that my H has done that have helped are:

He made an Excel document and put it on my computer. It contains a list of all e-mail accounts, credit card accounts, forum screennames and passwords for all of these accounts and included links to each of these websites.

He started a new job recently. One that is painfully (for me) similar to the job where the A took place. He offered to write daily in a notebook about any interaction he has with women until I feel more comfortable or until he gets sick of writing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The new job also happens to be very close to my business and he asked me to clear my schedule every day at noon so we could have lunch together.

Start reading the Basic Concepts of MB. Study and learn how to use POJA.

Your husband might not know what WOULD help him feel safer right now. Perhaps some of ideas I listed wouldn't be things that would benefit him, but could spark some ideas as to what would.

If you have the financial capability, counseling with Steve Harley would be extremely helpful, as he is trained to guide you through the Recovery process. Working with a coach in this manner could prove invaluable as many who come here under your circumstances often make several mistakes that set back their Recovery.

MB has a specific plan for Recovery and utilizing it is a much better option than floundering as you try to figure it out as you go along.

Glad you're here.