We have our annual family vaca planned soon. When we scheduled, WH set it up to come down about 4 days after the rest of us because "he couldn't get off work". Well, NOW I am assuming it's because he wanted that time with OW.

The whole family is coming (extended family). I can just feel myself getting pissed at him walking around like life is grand while I'm sitting in pain and agony.

I just can't feel anything other than anger right now! Should I change our ticekts?? A $300 fee for the kids and I?? He already said he isn't changing his because he can't get the time off work.

Maybe you should go and try and have a fun time by yourself. Take this time away from your everyday life and relax. Do it for yourself and forget him. He is the one that will regret the time spent with you and your children.

If you are in plan A you are going to have to swallow some pride right now if you want to save your M. I know its hard, I lived it. Almost drove me insane until I grasped:
1. I will be okay, no matter what happens
2. I will have boundaries that are not negotiable
3. She chose to abandon our family and M, not me. This is on her.
4. Practiced loving detachment. (Going for a walk on the beach, WH, do you want to go? NO!, okay suit yourself, it's a beautiful day, walking away whistling and don't return for 30 min. after you said you would be back)
5. Don't expect to get anything in return. They can't because then who would they blame for being such idiots?
6. Don't protect him from the consequences of his actions including financial, public, family ridicule, emotional, etc.

Stay strong.

Change your tickets.

Be honest with him. The reason that you're changing your tickets is because your marital situation has changed. You don't trust him at this point, and so you're not comfortable 'leaving him alone' during that time.

I don't remember your whole situation...its best to stick to one thread, and post your updates in that thread rather than a new one each time. It helps us poor confused people follow your story better, and hopefully give you better advice.

WH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 1/2 years. He has DS-11 from previous R, I have DD-13 from previous R, we have DD-7 and DS 3. The first 2 years of our marriage was great. The next few rocky. It got a little better but not great. The last 2 years have been okay at best. We co-exist, but not happily.

Last summer he started taking 'trips' for work about once a month. He had weekends where he would stay out til 4 or 5 a.m. I asked if he was cheating, he said no. New Years Eve, he said he was staying in. He abruptly decided to leave out. He came home at 7 a.m. At this point, I am sure he is unfaithful. We hadn't had sex since September, along with him staying out til all hours and all these work trips. Times he'd be sitting out in the garage, talking on the phone. Times where he'd be on the phone but hang up when I came in. Times when oldest DD would say he spends hours on the phone when I'm not home.

I started to follow him after work, some weekends. I eavesdropped on phone conversations. His cell phone bill does not come to the house and he keeps it locked. I found nothing. But I knew.

Last week he left his cell phone at home, and it was unlocked. I found text messages to an OW. Full of I love you's and I miss you's and I can't wait to be with you. Texts from her that she loves him and misses him. I called her, heard her voice, hung up. Began calling her from his phone, but she wouldn't answer. I assume he told her it was me calling. I went to confront him at work. He took his phone back. Told me we'd talk later. I proceeded to Expose the A. I went to his parents, my parents, called our friends, everyone. His mother was upset that I was telling everyone. His friends claimed to know nothing.

This is a woman he's known for years. I never liked the friendship. I met her once. He never brought her around again. He told me he loves her. That he is in love with her. That he does not want to leave her. That our problems are not about her but are about what's broken between us. That we are no good for each other. That he has been unhappy with our marriage for 2 years. That he is only here for the children. That he didn't mean for me to see those messages and he is sorry for my hurt but he loves this woman.

We've talked and talked. He will not tell me that he won't see her again. He is pushing for separation. To get our debt paid off and sell the house so we can split and live our lives.

Is there anything left for us?

thank you. Here is my org post. I will stay in this thread now.

He will not cooperate. He is adamant that he wants to separate. He hasn't agreed to NC with OW. He wants us to get our debt paid and sell the house. I asked him to just leave and he says it's his house too. He's started sleeping in the family room.

That sounds similar to my situation. We've talked endlessly it seems and it always comes down to "I love him and cannot give him up" no matter how convincing the point I am making. My WW is insisting on separation as the only way to fix things.
What I see it as is an addiction, plain and simple. I was told by SH to offer her something better than what she is getting from her drug of choice and it is "to be truly happy married to the father of her children" and that there is a clear proven way to get there. That makes it all about their happiness only, which is truly all they are thinking about now in their wayward state of mind.
Anyways, my 2 cents and that's my action plan. I still have hope and I don't think it is too late for me or for you.

If being with the OW is that important than he won't mind giving up ALL and I mean ALL. Go nekked out of his home and leave all behind...Yep, even the car, credit cards, his clothes....everything. Remember he can't take anything that was received or bought during the M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yep, that OW had better like the Emperoer in his 'new clothes'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

I FOUND OUT WHERE OW LIVES AND WORKS!


thank you Orchid. Does it matter that he owned the house prior to us getting married???

why no imtimacy since september...

his doing
your doing

ARK

His doing. He started pulling away at that time.

why did you coexist...

how did that happen...
what role did you play in co-exsisting...

can you are you willing to address those issues..within yourself...

ark

I can't remember, have you expose their seedy affair?

This is all standard garden-variety WS stuff, MP...

You will not be able to TALK him out of the affair or wanting to end your marriage.

Doing the MB PLANS gives YOU an opportunity to do YOUR PART to work on recovery of your marriage.

If you still have any LOVE left for your H and for the sake of your young children, I recommend that you DO PLAN A. We can help you with that if you want.

I exposed to our family and friends. I didn't have any info on her before. Now I do.

ark-I have issues with managing anger. If I get upset, I just shut down completely. He mentioned to me that I got upset with him once and didn't speak to him for 2 months (aside from general house/kids/bills related stuff). I did not realize that at all.

I want to plan A - I really do. But stuff is still revealing itself and I just keep getting frustrated and angry

1. cancel the vacation..,.
if you are serious about trying to save your marriage...then you take serious measures....

you gotta look at the bigger picture...if you want a happy marriage with this guy then you have to break the cycle of your shutting down...and doing this anger withdrawal thing...

your husband is still in the home....and you are telling him to leave...

check out how many people here want to plan A and are having a hard time cause their spouse has moved out.....

you have to stop making your actions and responses part of his artillary...

every time you react negatively to him...he uses that as fodder to justify his affair and actions...

you play right in to the little WS warped way of thinking....

coexisting is a riduculous way to be married...it even goes against its own definition of what a marriage is...

you tell him that you don't want a divorce...
you tell him that you are sorry for the ways you treated him that lead to him feeling ignored...

you tell him that you are willing to work very very hard to be a wife that meets his needs....and that you have great faith and hope that you both can do what is needed to fix this...

plan A is allllllllllllllllllll about contact between the op and the Ws....

continue to let your anger be the weapon...and it will help in sealing your fate...

you both are already divorced once..

also was he completely divorced prior to seeing you...

ARK

I found it helpful to redirect my anger from HIM to the fact that someone else is trying to steal my H and to DESTROY my FAMILY and I'm going to FIGHT to do everything I can to WIN THE BATTLE against the AFFAIR...

PLAN A is your AMMUNITION

It allows yout TO DO something rather than to just STEW in YOUR ANGER..

STEWING IN YOUR ANGER results in the FRUSTATION because you feel POWERLESS...

Read the GODDESS thread to see what I say about PERSONAL POWER...

I brought it over here for ya..here's the post...

PERSONAL POWER

As I look back over my time here, I consider this one of the GREATEST GIFTS that I received from this forum.

I remain here for that sustenance.

The POWER helps me in my MARRIAGE to this day.

It weathers me through CONFLICTS with my H..yes CONFLICTS from which I used to FLEE..I walk head on into them and SPEAK MY TRUTH...and I see my H valuing ME and RESPECTING ME...AHHHH...PERSONAL POWER....I LOVE IT!!!

Becoming convicted to WORK YOUR PLAN will lead you HERE to where I am...

It has to be YOUR PLAN..not about HIM...

It has to be how YOU WANT TO CHANGE TO MAKE YOURSELF INTO A BETTER PERSON...

Then THE PLAN is REAL, SINCERE AND MEANINGFUL to YOU and that will be communicated to your WS and others....

Starting with the FOCUS ON YOURSELF prepares you for PLAN B which takes all the PERSONAL STRENGTH and CONVICTION a PERSON CAN BEAR...

It is hard to PERSEVERE AND ENDURE during PLAN B..it involves WITHDRAWAL from your WS and RECREATING YOUR LIFE...it did for me...

Yes, Plan B for me was ONLY 3 MONTH or so...but THE MENTAL PREPARATION, SOUL SEARCHING and LIFE CHANGES STARTED WAY BEFORE THEN on D-DAY...

I decided to CHANGE INTO THE NEW ME that I am today and have not turned back...and will not turn back...I WILL NOT BE THAT PERSON EVER EVER AGAIN...

I have a sense of PERSONAL POWER and PURPOSE..my H knows for sure that I WILL AND CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM..I am certainly ENHANCED BY HIS PRESENCE IN MY LIFE..but also HIS LIFE IS ENHANCED BY ME....

I felt compelled to say this this morning...

I am so thankful for getting to this place...

It is VITAL FOR YOU GUYS..especially MY GIRLS..to get HERE, TOO...

Thank you SO much for these responses. I know I need it. I will start reading up on Plan A (seriously - I've only browsed before). I will implement my Plan A ASAP. I will save my marriage.

ark - neither of us were married before. We were both young when we had our 1st children. I was 18 when DD was born and he was 20 when DS was born. We married when he was 22 and I was 23.

Perhaps I should look into IC???

I did IC for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT..but came here and talked to Steve Harley for help with the MB PLANS.

You have to be careful about getting a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor.

I was CLEAR with my IC from the start that I was going to WORK ON SAVING MY MARRIAGE...and he helped STAY STRONG so I could continue towards working on MY GOALS...not HIS GOALS for ME...

perhaps anger management counseling...communication counseling

excellent show of ACTION in addressing issues that both of you acknowledge....

ARK