I wish I had more support from family. My family tells me to leave him. His family (except for 1 or 2 people) are completely supportive of him. One of his aunts actually told me I didn't deserve a man like him! Things like that just makes me want to shut everyone out.

I'm going to look into some IC and some counseling for anger issues and to learn to better communicate/express emotions. This is for me as well as my family

This is about becoming your OWN WOMAN..fighting for YOUR MAN..regardless of what anyone else thinks or wants you to do...

What about your PLAN A?

How about inviting him back into HIS BED? Are you being ALLURING?

How about making his FAVORITE MEAL tonight?

I am reading up on implementing Plan A. We fought about the trip. The kids and I went ahead without him. He's not coming until later in the week.

Honestly, I haven't been doing any of that mimi. I've been angry. And unfortunately, showing it. We didn't speak for 2 days prior to me leaving for CA.

Read up on PLAN A.

You can start RIGHT AWAY.

Call him and APOLOGIZE.

Well, I ended up sending OW a letter to her house. Then called her. She hung up on me. Then she turns around and calls MY husband to tell him which HE turns around and defends HER.

So he is scheduled to come to CA tomorrow. I'm going to implement Plan A as of then.

Was I wrong to send a letter to her?

Regarding the OW...

It was not WRONG to send her letter. It depends on what the letter said. If it said, I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND WILL DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO RECONCILE MY MARRIAGE..then good..good if the letter was about YOU. If you blasted HER, then it was not useful...but what's done is done...

The AFFAIR is an ADDICTION. The infidels will use anything they can to FUEL their addiction.

The OW is your ENEMY and will be trying to find ANYTHING that she can to USE against you. The more she can talk about YOU and how BAD you are, the more she can lift herself up in his eyes.

Yes, they have a relationship..a sick, immoral relationship..but they don't care. No amount of talking or badmouthing will END it.

So what has happened here is part of the STANDARD AFFAIR SCRIPT.

As I have been saying, this is ALL ABOUT YOU, demonstrating YOUR CHANGES in PLAN A.

Hello all. My plan A is sh*t right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can't bring myself to do it. WHY WON'T HE STOP TALKING TO HER??????????????? When we got back from our family vaca, he dropped us off at home and I didn't see him again until 8 a.m. The next night it was 5 a.m. I just KNOW she was in town and he was with her.

I tried telling him that she called me, told me things. He called me a liar.

I want to confront her. 6 hour drive and all. I want to walk up to her front door and tell her to stay the ****** away from my husband!!!!!!!!!!

Why not? Zillions of people have brought themselves do it, including me. Why did I do it? Because I wanted to do MY PART to save my marriage.



Because he is ADDICTED TO HER..like a CRACK ADDICT! No amount of your begging, pleading or lovebusting will bring an end to the affair.

You need to become a BELIEVER in MARRIAGEBUILDERS and do PLAN A. That's your best chance at recovering your marriage right now.



Ditto above. This is NOT PLAN A. This is PLAN MPEP which will not work for you.



I truly, truly know exactly how you feel. I can recall the PAIN you are feeling and how you want to lash out at her.

However, you might as well go beat your head up against the wall.

This will do YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD!

She doesn't care about you or your anger. This might actually please her so that she can use this AGAINST you and tell him how NUTS you are and/or how he needs to protect her against you.

START TO REALLY FIGHT AGAINST HER WITH PLAN A is my recommendation to you.

The key right now is for you to GAIN CONTROL OVER YOUR EMOTIONS in order to WORK YOUR PLAN.

MP,

You found out who OW was and where she works...is she married? Have a BF? Did you expose to all of WH's family, and now, OW's family?

Exposure is a critical part of Plan A...sets the premise which will lessen your signals of frustration and anger. What premise? The one you live from...if you want to live in truth, act from it...experience a truth-filled life...then you choose to know and share the truth. The truth are his actions...OW's actions...your own actions.

A lot of our anger, frustration and resentment come from us betraying OURSELVES, even as we are being betrayed. You have control over your own actions...and what you choose to act from...or react to...that's your choice.

If you permit yourself to react to your feelings...then you are operating under the same belief WH is right now...he's choosing his life based on his feelings, rather than from his beliefs...his vows. Don't go wayward in this way...stay in reality...act from your own beliefs...what you vowed to yourself on your wedding day, that you would be there, in sickness and in health...so he's sick...YOU be healthy.

You've received the best advice on your thread from AWESOME veterans. I don't see you answering their posts directly...your focus seems stuck on WH...glued to him and all he "shouldn't" be doing. Well, shouldn'ts and shoulds drive our frustration to exaggerated heights...and that's US doing that...not others. Really charges our anger because we are lost in another human's stuff, making it our own.

Hear these brave, strong, amazing women...focus on YOUR stuff. There is relier. Revoke your permission to demonstrate your feelings...and commit to stating them. Sharing them. Reporting them...like the weather (which changes, too)...as an act of O&H and self-loyalty...NOT acting them out. Or in.

You can change your whole life experience, if you choose. Take this opportunity, from so much pain and fear, and really get to how you want to live your life, focus on your half of the marriage...learn how to enforce marital boundaries and your personal boundaries...and to love really well...and feel really well loved.

Your pain, anger, frustration, fear, resentment, sorrow...are all real. They are valid feelings. What you do with them....know and trace them back to the beliefs they are coming from...or react to them...choose your life based on information which changes by the minute, the hour, the day...and live reactively. You can tell when you are doing just that...you'll feel powerless, helpless, victimized, done to, wronged and that life is really unfair to have made you inferior.

Not true or real. Plan A is where you bring reality...and you have to KNOW reality to do so. Learn how to tell the difference...you're the only partner who can see that adultery is wrong right now because your partner cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Be the lighthouse (ark's awesome post)...know you already are one...God's creation...and you are as powerful, limited and free as every single human on this planet.

When you get this, your frustration will drop, your anger will evaporate...which you changing your emotions from your beliefs. Doesn't last...old beliefs pop in...and you choose to correct your reality...No, that's not what I believe...and use reality to be your safest haven.

WH is having an A. Your choice to believe that he's addicted to fantasy...to those chemical feelings he's getting from cake-eating (he gets you AND OW)...what a great distraction from his own pain. Just as he may be YOUR distraction from yours.

That he shouldn't doesn't come close to touching he IS. What he is choosing is NOT about you. You are not his cause, control or cure. You are your own. See his choices as choices...and yours will become clearer. Choose well.

Act from truth (exposure) and respect (he knows), and eliminate your own LBs because that's not who you really are...who you want to be...someone who abuses through DJs, AO's, SDs, etc. The byproduct may be a dazzling partner for WH...make your premise to change your own life through self-discovery and owning what is truly yours...

There's no signal of frustration when you are thrilled with who you are right now...feeling your own power to live from yourself, not through others...building your own self-respect...there is no anger signal sent when you appreciate, admire and love yourself for your really healthy choices...when you stop trying to manage the response to your own beliefs (your emotions) and begin to look at the original belief those are coming from...leads you to stop obsessing on his choices and see your own with clarity.

You can do this, MP. Please know you can. I believe in you. Read, know and grow right now...and hug yourself for choosing your own goal (to save your marriage) not based on possible response.

Commit to stating your truth...which is your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perception and perspective...(not The Truth, yours)...state The Truth in the same way...calmly, respectful of yourself and what you know..."I know you chose to do this last night." "I feel shredded inside--from believing you are rejecting me by breaking your vows. I know you aren't...you are choosing adultery, choosing to tear apart our marriage right now. I'm choosing to save it."

Short statements...open and honest from you...your truth using "I" statements. You own, "I realize I didn't share my stuff with you for two months...that I chose to go into silent treatment mode. I know that was abusive. I didn't know then. I know it now. I'm sorry. I won't do it again because that's not who I really am. Shutting you out hurts you, tears down our partnership...and hurts me and our children very much."

Hope this helps...find your truth and share it. Practice here. We've walked your road...and I'm praying you will find peace, abundant joy and appreciation in your Plan A.

LA

1st Mimi, thank you. A million thank you's. When I am here, posting, I feel, "I can do this". When I go home, I want to strangle WH. Nothing about his daily routine has changed. He treats me like he's irritated by ME. He still talks to her and tells her he loves her and everything.

I just feel too pissed off to Plan A right now! I can't look at him and be loving right now! But I know I need to because I can FEEL him pulling farther and farther away from me.





I know. I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mpep,

Honestly and only you know this answer....
Were you a good wife to WH pre affair (not perfect, but a good wife)? Were you meeting needs (not all needs but important needs)? Were you respectful, appreciative, did you admire, communicate, spend quality time with WH?

I ask these questions because there are cases where the BS was meeting needs, was a good wife/husband, was, was, was, was and the WS chose to betray them and the marriage and family anyway. In these cases I would do a short plan A, let him know that you want to build a new marriage that will not allow either of you to be tempted, and instead to be in love w/ one another, etc. I would then quickly plan B his butt with all that goes with it until he ends the affair and is ready to meet certain boundaries (NC for life, counseling, etc).

This may be the only way you have anything left for WH if he does get it!

Thank you so much LA. That was an amazing post.

I don't know if she is married or has a BF. The only # I had was a cell phone. WHen I got her address, I sent the letter, but I assume she got the letter (if there is an H/BF). I called her job, SHE is the VP of HR. I tried looking up her family (found one of those "possible relatives" listings on a web site). Her parents have EXTREMELY common 1st names and I am having zero luck with finding any of her family to expose to. That's another part of why I want to show up at her door. If there is a H/BF/Sibling SOMETHING - I can expose. Right now, she's totally in the clear.

I feel like I don't [bold]KNOW[/bold] how to not LB. How to put these intese feelings of anger aside. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I feel like I need him to TALK to me. I'll admit the 1st couple of times we had discussion, I was entirely focused on OW, not Me, not Us. Now, he won't talk at all. That is tough. That makes me angrier. I feel like he should be helping me get through this.

Perhaps that's the biggest problem. I feel like I've had no one to help me. His family, after the initial oohs and aahs, that was it, everything went back to normal. I sort of expected (and I use that loosely) someone to try to talk to him. My family, I love them dearly, their suggestions have been an attack of OW and to leave him.

And I know that's why I'm here. I need support to help me through. I need to know that the marriage can be saved.

I know, I know, I know. I have to implement Plan A. I'm in the process now of reading (READING) the responses given to me. I think initially it was blind anger and just vent, vent, vent. I don't think I SAW/READ what was being said to me.

I will openly and honestly admit that in the immediate years pre-affair, perhaps I was not the best wife I could be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I had allowed him to settle into a routine of spending his 'down' time alone with the kids, with his friends (we have very few joint friends), with his family. I openly admit to not being the best communicator. To holding and holding and then exploding. I admit to using the silent treatment as when there was conflict. I admit to being a bit controlling with money. We had an active sex life, but I admit to refusing sex when there was conflict. I allowed him to develop a life separate from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BE STILL for awhile. READ..gain your strength..

Most importantly, DO NOT DOUBT THE POWER OF YOUR MIND.

Begin to TELL yourself that YOU CAN DO THIS!

Telling yourself that YOU CAN'T will definitely effect your ability to reach your goals.

It's sooo important to learn not to be RULED by your EMOTIONS.

That has been such an important life lesson FOR ME.

The initial goal...MIND CONTROL OVER THE ANGER!!

No rush..you have plenty of time..