I'm new here and hope that there is someone out there who has gone through a similar experience or could provide me with some guidance.

I have been married for 15 years and have two children, 13 and 6 (special needs). We have always had some problems in our marriage but overall it has been good. One of the major problems is my husband's drinking (recently charged with a DUI and will need to appear in court) and control. I have begged him for years to stop drinking and driving but to no avail. He now says that he has been "rewired" which I am having trouble accepting as its just because he got caught and is paying the price (as is his family). Outside the drinking and driving, his alcohol use has been a problem (though he is not a 'raving alcoholic') which overtime has affected our relationship. He is a great dad to his children and is always there for them. He is supportive of me though can be very controlling and manipulating which has also caused a lot of problems. Unfortunately, he does not sees these qualities in himself and therefore I can't even express my opinion or feelings on anything anymore. I am always second guessing myself on everything at home and have gotten to the point that I don't say anything or make a decision.

Ever since his DUI charge, my feelings of anger, betrayal and hatred have been magnified by 500%. We have had lots of arguments and talked about divorce many times. My problem is that everytime we get to that point of saying.. YES, we are going to proceed, I get scared to death and just can't do it. I wonder, is this right, what do I do, I should go, I would be happier on my own... all of these thoughts are going through my mind at once.

We have had one couple counselling session where I stated that I wasn't sure if I wanted the marriage to continue (he said that he wants to stay married to me) so I am now in individual counselling. Both these counsellors have told me that my husband does not understand the depth of his drinking problem and unfortunately he thinks that I should just get over it and put it in the past... move forward.. see all the good things we have. He doesn't understand its not that easy.

Is it normal to experience doubt, what if, etc. How do you make the FINAL decision without having an emotional breakdown.....

I hope this makes sense (probably not because I am rambling here and not thinking clearly).

HELP
Momfordillon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Your description of your husband sounds a lot like how my wife would have described me. I would suggest you and your husband get Dr. Harley's books and read them together. I know that my eyes were opened a lot when I read Love Busters. I believe that most controlling people don't really realize the damage that they cause in their relationships. I know I thought that my controlling behavior was "in her best interest" or something along that line (I never actually put a lot of thought into it, truthfully). Anyway, I'm sure others can give you a lot of other advice, but from someone who was also very controlling of his wife I would recommend the books. I would also recommend that you let him know how his behavior affects you. My wife mentioned things to me from time to time, but I think she just assumed that I knew what I was doing. I really don't think that is the case most of the time. I had no idea that my controlling behavior was causing so much damage. She, like you, got to a point where she was afraid to make a decision about anything for fear that I would get mad at her about it. I suspect that he really doesn't want to live that way any more than you do. He may just not know what to do about it.

Welcome. I think a big reason you are experiencing so much doubt is because you are dealing with a "functioning alcoholic." Have you been to alanon? I think they may offer some insight into what you are going through.

Also, some of this fear and doubt could be coming from the manipulation and controll if it is egregious.

I, too, have a special needs child. She's 10 and my ex and I love her dearly. But looking back now, she was a source of stress in our marriage. I firmly believe one of the reason my ex "snapped" had to do with a need to escape the realities of a special needs child -- somebody who needs care 24/7. It's a like having a toddler, except the child is 10 and shows very little progress. Even if you accept it, it still hurts.

Could your husband's alcohol be an escape for your husband? Have you both adequately grieved the loss of a dream with your special needs child?

There are so many good, helpful books to read, that if both you and your husband address your issues like adults and put the effort into the marriage and personal recovery, your marriage can continue.

I wish I had recognized my ex's tendancy to escape (into music, into buying things at the mall, and finally into an affair).

Good luck to you.

HL

Thank you all for your comments. As for my special needs son (down syndrome), he is actually my little sunshine as he is for my husband. We went through counselling when he was first born as we were "grieving" from the loss of having a "normal" child. Our son, is truly an angel though it can be frustrating and painful sometimes. I think most of our problems is between us, alcohol, control and lack of communication from my part. It is very difficult for me to communicate with him as I am normally in the wrong. Just today, we had a fight because I couldn't do a "romantic" night with him (just can't right now...) and I feel that I am totally to blame for all our problems.. he said it is not about who is to blame or what the problem is... it is about the commitment to each other. But the problem is that I can't commit because of our problems...maybe I am seeing everything wrong or it is my fault... There are times when I look at him, and I hate him and blame everything on him (which isn't right either)... I just can't shake the feeling that he let me down in so many ways and that I need to compromise who I am to be with him. I told him years ago that I would not stand by him if he was to get caught drinking and driving or if he was in an accident and his response was.... "I wouldn't assume anything less because you don't have the commitment to our marriage"..... why would it be my fault ????

HELP>>>>>> I feel like I am going crazy here....

Mom,

First, don't make any rash moves to leave the marriage. Relationships are complex, so I would start by reading His Needs, Her Needs. Have your husband read it, too. In short there are a lot of GREAT takeaways about how you and your spouse can once again become the greatest joy for each other. If after you've read the book, it may make sense to call the Harleys for some counselling.

On a different level, you may be enterring a midlife transition, where you feel anxious, restless and like you have to make major changes in your life. Everybody to a certain level goes through a midlife transition. Those who make bad life decisions (affairs) create a crisis situation for those all around them. There are some good books on midlife transition: Awakening at Midlife, and Women in Midlife Crisis. I bring up the MLC because I've seen women with families and loving husbands struggle because they feel like something is missing from their life.

HL

To Changd4ever

Thanks for your insight. Just curious, you said that you were also very controlling of your wife and that your behavior was "in her best interest" - what types of things would you do/say to your wife? Your situation sounds very similar to mine and am wondering how your wife dealt with it....

Momfordillon

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Although he has never received a DUI, I don't know how he has avoided it. He is a functioning alcoholic. He wants everything his way all the time, but I know without a doubt that he loves me. We don't have children together, but we each have children. He is a bit rude to people sometimes, which embarasses me, and my children (grown) do not like him. But, I love him and he shows me that he loves me. Right now, we are separated but talking about trying to work it out. Don't make any quick decisions. I have left 4 times and each time I go back without really fixing the problems. I'm not a good one to give advise, but I can tell you this, when you make quick decisions, you will usually regret them! Good luck.

YoYo2007,
Thanks - our MC said that most people will drive drunk 25 times before getting caught... my husbands time was up though he did it more than 25 times (he was charged about 15 years ago as well but was thrown out because it took too long to get to the courts - I don't think that would happen these days).

Do you know what "things" you need to be fixed are ? I know he loves me but I can't trust him and have extreme anger towards him. He is controlling, though he doesn't see it as that, and can also be rude with people because they don't see things the right way. I find that I'm the one apologizing for his behaviour.... which is wrong.

I'm trying not to make any quick decisions and thats why I am still there but it is extremely difficult.

momfordillon2000,

Just to clarify I believed that my point of view was "in her best interest" at the time. Actually, I guess I still do, but I know now that I was trying to force my views on her. I wasn't controlling in ways like telling her what she could or couldn't do. I am a very logical minded person, and I would reason things out with her. If I logically reasoned my position out I thought that she should agree or give me a logical argument for her position. I wanted her to see things the same way that I did. I was more concerned with being right than with respecting her feelings. She dealt with it by resenting me and having an affair with someone who listened to her and made her feel like her point of view was valid. My attitude was always "This is the right way to do this, and that is how it is going to be done. Period." If she argued with me about it I logically dismantled her argument and she would get frustrated and cave (or ignore me and do it her way anyway). I think I made her feel stupid and less valuable than me. Reading Love Busters really opened my eyes to my behavior. To give you an example, she wanted to get breast implants. She had nursed three children and she felt insecure about her breasts especially in a swimsuit. I was against it. I argued and argued with her about why it was an egotistical and vain thing to do. I told her if she wanted to feel better about herself to go do volunteer work instead of putting bags of water under her skin. I don't think my opinion was wrong; however, I didn't take her feelings into consideration at all. It was her body and if she wanted to do it and we could afford it I should have supported her.