Hi.
Can you help me to interpret this letter? Does it sound "fishy" to you? This is an email to my H "friend" in a concert band. The band hasn['t been together since the end of June and my H sent a note to this woman, she replied, and this is his response to her. It is making me uncomfortable but I don't know--maybe I'm overreacting?

First he says that he misses his friends in the "back Row" (which is where she sits) and tells her all about our summer and our plans for travel etc. Then he concludes with

"I think of you often too, and look forward to a lot
more laughs and great times together.
Keep in touch ________, and enjoy your summer!"

WHat do you think? I have tried before to get across to him that I am uncomfortable with the time they spend together and emails.

How do I broach this subject without it becoming a DJ? and me "teaching" him?

Sandi

Can you post the letter? I need context for analysis.

Schoolbus

Hi Sandi, I don't think the problem is this email, but the fact that he does not respect your wishes and will not bother to affair proof your marriage. The email is a just a sign of a much bigger problem, IMO.

Well Schoolbus this is about the only"mushy" stuff in the letter to her. It was all about his new job, the challenges he is having in it, about our upcoming holiday trip, there is a paragraph about how he does miss his close bandmates (meaning her and a few people in the back row in the band) and then there is his closing.

I think I may be over reacting?

They did spend an awful lot of time together, going out with others to bars after rehearsals and gigs, she picked him up numerous times when he needed a ride to practice, she gave him a huge hug on the last night before thesummer ( i saw them out the front window), they seem to have a great time together!

I am jealous I think and feel very threatened. HElp me Schoolbus--she is not a friend of mine or my marriage.

PLease give me a 2 X 4 if I need one. This just doens't feel good to me.


Sandra

Melody,
You are right. He tells me I have nothing to worry about--he loves me but likes her. Case closed.

How do I proceed forward from here. I don't want to go through this stuff any more. He seems to want to do what's best for him.

Sandy

Sandi, if your H has had an affair in the past he should not be communicating with any females. It is INAPPROPRIATE. It is also extremely THOUGHTLESS and CRUEL to continue to do it when you have told him it upsets you. He should not be doing anything that threatens his marriage or causes you distress, and his "friendship" with this woman does that.

You are RIGHT to feel threatened and you are RIGHT to expect that he would respect your feelings and put them above this "friendship." He should not have any "friendships" with members of the opposite sex.

Hi Melody and Schoolbus,
He has had an affair in the past (about 4 years ago) and it started the same way. He believes that this is nothing like the "old days" when he didn't appreciate me as much as he does now.

How do I deal with this? Do I confront/challenge this? How do I establish this boundary? I really need help with this.

Sandy

Tell him that you are very worried, and very distressed about his continued contact with this woman. It causes you GREAT PAIN AND ANXIETY and you would be grateful if he would stop. Ask him, out of respect for you, if he would be willing to end his inappropriate friendships with women. Part of affair proofing a marriage is ending all friendships with members of the opposite sex.

If he says no, then you will know that you are living with a FREELOADER and not a BUYER.

You are giving him an opportunity to PROVE his appreciation by making changes that demonstrate CARING FOR YOU. Give him a chance to put his money where his mouth is.

Melody,
Can you explain these two terms in the context of my situation?

SAndy

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Your gut is right. I know how you feel because I've been there, you don't trust your instincts, you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe even he's making you feel like you're a jealous person. In my experience, every time my gut was telling me something like this, it was correct even though I couldn't believe it. You should take this very seriously. Maybe call the MB counsellors and ask for advice on how to approach him. The early you can deal with it the better.

Thank you for the definitions. I think that it is time to put on my "big girl panties" and ask some questions of him. I know that he will explode or try to have a fight (probably to deflect)--I know that he will not stop seeing/emailing her. He needs that admiration so much.

I'm scared. But I think that i deserve this.

THank you for your help.

Sandy

THanks for the reply NOrmalguy. I have not listened to my gut for a while. I've tried to "think through" situations and just deny them. THings seem Ok and then life goes on. Problems don't get resolved though.

Sandy

Sandi, we train people how to treat us. If we settle for crumbs, we will get exactly that. My H went from freeloader to renter to BUYER because I was not interested in a freeloader, only a buyer. I gave him the opportunity to prove to me he could be a buyer and he rose to the challenge. I think your H deserves the same chance if you are willing to give him the opportunity. Are you?

Sandy, would you define yourself as a conflict avoider?

I am but I am so scared that he will just say "no". I want to give him the chance to prove himself but i am just scared. If he says No....what do I do then?

CAn you help me through this thinking process?
Sandy

No, I don't think that I am a conflict avoider. I have raised holy you-know-what so many times before. Maybe I didn't follow it through and things just went back to the way they were before. Is this conflict avoidance? I don't think that he thinks I am serious.

Help!
Sandy

I am hearing the conflict avoider in you, Sandy. Being scared of facing conflict is what has probably brought you to this place. Conflict avoidance causes more conflict.

My stomach is churning and I feel like a little kid instead of a reasonably smart 45 year old. I'm so scared--I guess I am avoiding this conflict.

Sandy