My H is coming back home today so that we can try to sort things out. I text the OW yesterday asking her to ring me as there was something that she needed to know and also to have a nice weekend (evil I know) She called and I told her that her husband needed to know about their friendship (as she called it)
She had a panic attack and first aiders had to be called in. They also called her husband to tell him of this. Let me tell you, I felt so good about that and I am not normally an evil person but my plan went so well.

I told her that he needed to know and asked if she would like to do it, or did she want me to? Let me tell you she was brickin it big time!! She could hardly speak!!

We spoke for about half an hour and we argued, swore etc... then spoke like normal people. She told me that she lived in fear of her husband as he was violent and I do KNOW that his family are also violent. She said that he has put people in hospital before (true) So I suddenly realised after about 20 minutes that I needed to turn the tables on my conversation. I felt that I had more power over her if her husband didnt know. She said that she couldnt live with the guilt of what she had done and that she was going to tell him. I actually told her not to and I know that you all must think that I have lost the plot but it was one of those 'have to be there situations' to understand. My husband was also really genuinly scared and for the 25 years that I have known him I have never seen someone look and act in such a terrified way for his own safety if the OWH was told.

To cut a very long situation short, she now thinks that I a very reasonable person and I almost felt that I was counselling her (my profession)

I dont know whether she will tell him (probably not) but for now I am not going to either. I have told her this but she was on the verge of fainting before I told her.

I feel that I have the upper hand. Personally I think she is mad if she tells him, after all she has not confessed to date and is not likely to but she is scared. I will always have this over her, and she knows it.

On another note, my husband is coming back today so that we can sort things out. Today is our 17th Wedding Anniversary but we are not celebrating it. Its too early. For now, I am happy having made the decision that I am prepared to give him another chance and hopefully with Plan A/B etc... we can make things good again. He is certainly glad, happy etc... about this and knows that this can never happen again or else I will NOT go through this again.

Please understand that I am really a genuinely caring, reasonable and very understanding person and I do not go around making peoples lives difficult, but this OW has seen a side to me that I didnt know I had....I guess the saying is.......you've never seen a woman like a woman scorned!!!

L ~ the "please don't tell my husband, he will get violent" is one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Her poor husband. Now YOU are participating in the evil betrayal that she is perpetrating on her husband.

Keeping this knowledge from him will only mkae it easier for your husband and his OW to start things up again By not telling, you are enabling the affair

You don't have any power over her, you got played.

If she was that scared of her husband, then screwing around behind his back was pretty stupid wasn't it? But regardless..in the USA today, there are many resources for a woman legitimately fearful of her spouse.

The problem with revenge is that it generally comes back to bite you - and in this case - you've just enabled that woman to come back after your husband.

Revenge isn't sweet - it's stupid.

FInish Telling her Husband.

Because your WH may be returning Tonight.

But Hes going back to OW on Monday.

Tell the OW Husband Today.

Stop Gloating, because, so far, OW STILL has the Upper Hand.

If you tell HER HUSBAND, she WILL GET IN TROUBLE!

And you decided not to get her into the trouble that she created.

Ring her H up today.

Oh, BTW, She called her H after talking to you and told him about this CRAZY lady who thinks that I have been messing with her H.

"How CRAZY is that, Dear?" Cooed the OW to her H.

Sorry.

LG

Do as I say - not as I do?

Loubie,

U R in this profession and it told you that this is the way to fix it? Hm.... As for OW's H being violent, if that's true than her having an A warrants him being told. U R playing with fire by NOT exposing.

It is wrong for him t/b kept in the dark. If he is violent and breaks the law, she can file charges but it will look a bit stupid. Imagine:

OW: Hello, police department? I'd like to file an RO against my husband.

Police: What are the charges.

OW: I am having an affair and he is a violent man. He just found out and now I fear for my life.

Police: Have you ever been hit or tortured by him in the past for other reasons?

OW: No.

Police: What makes you think he is violent.

OW: Well after he found out, he broke a lamp. Now both the OM (your WS) and I (OW) are afraid for our lives.

Police: Well you are having an affair. Is it ending as a result?

OW: No. The affair must continue.

Police: Yet, you are afraid for your lives? Why would you continue an act or even do an act that would make your H upset and violent?

OW: Because I am an OW and it is my choice to have an A. He can't control me. He has no right to stop me.

Police: Is this the most information you can provide? No reportable acts of violence outside of the lamp incident. Was anyone hurt in this incident?

OW: No.

Police: Mam', I recommend both you and your H get into some serous counseling. If you continue your affair, you are the one putting yourself and others in jeopardy. For now, I can record your call but you have not provided enough to warrant the RO.

OW: You mean you won't lock him up for 10 days so I have continue my A without fear of him attacking me?

Police: For now, yes. If you have additional warranted information for us to work on, then please call back. For now, stop the A and get yourself some help.

OW: Hummmmpf..... Well, the audacity. I must continue the A at all costs. If you won't help me, then I will have to do something else.

Police: Mam' I respectfully caution you NOT to do anything illegal. This is all being documented for our records.

OW: FINE!!! We'll see. Hmmmpf......

Now the above sounds silly but some OWs and WS feel it is ok to rewrite history. I was labeled by the OW in our case t/b a husband beater/abuser and a bad mother. She claimed to have reported me to my HR department and the local police. Of course I decided to check out her threat and report her her threat. I found out that my HR and local police did not have such a report but now they had mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I also contacted her local police to let them know what she had done so now it is on record in her town as well.

So far you may have your H coming back.....Is he coming back as an Xws or still a WS? A WS who is forced to come back.... does not make for good recovery material. ;( Why? Because unless a WS sheds his WS skin on his own initiative, it won't work. Later you w/b his scape goat to have another A.

There is a way to work through this, call Steve H @ MB for a plan.

JMHO,
L.

By not telling the husband you have ENABLED the affair and have become an accessory to the crime. Your OW is still free to pursue her lover as long as her H does not know. You have joined the team of the adulterers, at your own expense. BIG MISTAKE, Loubie.

What he is happy about is that you bought into their little act hook, line and sinker. Now that you think you've got the upper hand (as they snicker behind your back) they're free to continue on but now they'll just be more creative about it.

You messed up big time. Trust me, I KNOW. I've been there. My FWH's OW was also TERRIFIED of her H. He was "connected" and would likely kill both of them. (Not!) I also had a long conversation with OW and hung up feeling like I had her number. I didn't expose (I didn't know anything about MB or exposure) and you know what? They carried on.

You have been manipulated by the oldest trick in the book, the ever vaunted "violent husband." They weren't afraid of it when they getting it on, Loubie. Think about that...

He is happy because he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions and is free to pursue his lover as long as his victim does not know. You have done him no favors by helping him hide like a yellow dog from his actions. People grow and change from facing the consequences, not by running from them.

Her H has a RIGHT to know the truth, Loubie, and you have done this man a great disservice by helping his victimizers continue to victimize him. You have become an aider and an abettor; a facilitator of the affair.

How would you feel if OWH had found out first - but didn't tell you because your WH fed him some line that you'd go postal on him, kill him, put him in the hospital, etc.

So in his fear, he just kept mum about it, the A would continue all the while with his knowledge and you'd be the only one in the dark?

Walk a mile in those shoes - it sucks.

And the others are right - they're having a good chuckle now because you think you're in control and you aren't. They figure they've got you just where they want you and they can carry on right under your nose. They will just find new and creative ways to cover their tracks.

JinGA

What made your ws decide to come back home? I hope it was for the right reasons.

My ws decided to come back home also...told me he was sorry for the he** he put me through and how he was going to be the man he was raised to be. He said he did not love her, but loved me and things were going to be fine. Well that lasted all of two weeks....he missed her, just wanted to hear her voice, and on our anniversay (18th) he told me he wanted a divorce. Again I trusted him, believed in him, only to have my world shattered again. I hope this will not happen to you, I pray you find all the happiness you once had..you deserve it, so does your ws but PLEASE be careful. These men are so in the fog..they can't think straight.

Revenge...I know how good that feels too! When he came home I felt like I had won the war, that it was finally over. I have shown a side of myself violent, ugly and down right mean...am I proud of that..not really. It only adds to the painful memories.

God Bless You!

Assuming, for the moment, it is true and OW's husband IS violent (which I doubt).

If he ends up finding out about the affair on his own (which is likely...someday) your husband may very well become the target of his violence.

IF you tell him...he may be violent...but out of respect for you (his informer) telling him...his violence towards your husband may not happen at all or happen to a lessor extent.

Telling him yourself...makes you relevent.

Mr. Wondering

You have given the OW the gift of some precious time to spin the story to her husband. Instead of being grateful that you didn't spill the truth, she may start painting you as a crazy b*tch who is insanely jealous and is making lies up about your husband and her.

Then she will happily continue seducing your husband. Afterall, her "panic attack" shut you up. And even if you change your mind, she probably has a story now.

The other problem is that they still work together. That is real convenient. As you are trying to check what your husband is up to, he will be completely safe. After all, the fooling around, kisses and caresses happened at work.

I have a very bad feeling about all of this. In another post you said that the OW's husband got a whiff of the affair, but didn't cause problems because of your daughter. Well, apparently that didn't cause them to stop, so why do you think they are going to stop now that their secret is safe?

This was the news as reported by WH. So, take it with a grain of poop.

In it, the OW was portrayed as the heroine for convincing the violent, crazed BH to not confront WH because of the daughter.

Right.

Loubie, you're probably feeling a bit beat up. I understand that this probably felt good at the time, but it was a really bad strategical move.

Graplin - You are probably right. I keep forgetting how much the affairees lie. Yep, OW comes out smelling like roses in that scenario.

I also have a problem with the violent BS story. I was married to a violent man, and trust me, the LAST thing I would ever have done was have an affair.

In reading the phone call post above

It is a good example of how emotions and fear can interupt rational decisions

You began your conversation with certainty

Either she tells her husband or you will

A good decision (though forewarning is not recommended as it give the enemy a chance to twart your battle plan and make your attack/exposure...deniable)

Then...with a little predictable OW manipulation

You changed your mind...

Then you try to spin such decision into a good one

Your friends and family may buy this

Your arguments and perceptions sound OK

But their not.

We've seen this NOT WORK before.

We've seen this manipulation before

OW's Husband has the right to know about his life.

Period.

This MAY even give them the best chance of recovery and him getting help for any real problems he may have with anger management. The TRUTH shall set them free...continued lies just leaves OW in a unhappy marriage and vulnerable to an affair...like, with your husband. OW's best chance for marital reconciliation is the truth. Your marriage will be the beneficiary as well...without exposure, this "secret" or "lie" will hang over your heads...looming...for months or years to come.

End it know...tell OW's husband...for your sake and his.

Mr. Wondering

See that makes sense to me.

If we had a quarter for every OW who said her husband was abusive and violent and one for every WH who asserts that his wife already knows and is okay with it - we would have some serious coinage.

I have always found it quite interesting that someone who knowingly has a spouse who they claim are "violent" does something like have an affair where THEY KNOW it will piss that person all the way off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Aside from the obvious that OW is a big fat liar, isn't there a psychological term for that type predictable-in-your-face-asking-for-it behavior?

Jo

I agree with Mr. Wondering:
"Assuming, for the moment, it is true and OW's husband IS violent (which I doubt).

If he ends up finding out about the affair on his own (which is likely...someday) your husband may very well become the target of his violence.

IF you tell him...he may be violent...but out of respect for you (his informer) telling him...his violence towards your husband may not happen at all or happen to a lessor extent.

Telling him yourself...makes you relevent."

Mr. Wondering

If he really is a violent mand all the more reason to tell him yourself before he finds out some other way! Aren't you the least bit worried he might be angry with YOU for helping to keep their adultery a secret from HIM?!?!? I remember once when I was a kid that somebody my parents knew was killed by her husband when he found out she was planning to leave him. He had a list of people who knew of her plans but had not exposed her plans to him. My parents names were on that list! I certainly wouldn't count on a BS with a history of violence thinking of your decision to leave him in the dark as a 'neutral' stance from his perspective!!!

He is less likely to do something violent towards your husband if he knows your husband has a loving wife who wants her husband back.

I wish the OW that was involved with my WH had a husband who I could have exposed to! I did expose to a relative of her XBF (biological father of her kid) but they said they didn't have anything to do with her and didn't really care. (However OW and WH sure were angry when they found out about exposure LOL!)