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Had to change my login as i think my wife and probably OM are reading my posts.
Bob pure, Ark and others have been very helpful so thanks to you.
So to update. Was having difficulty with exposure. Well that has changed. OMW now knows and a sh*t storm has broke loose.Sadly OMW has taken an overdose and threatened to kill herself to ensure they both have to live with the guilt.The poor woman is as devastated as i was even though OM had already left. She is a formidable woman physically so i don't envy my wife if a cat fight breaks out. WW squash partner has broken off any contact as my WW lied consistently to her.
My WW is still adamant that she has no future at home, although we are talking a bit more, she wants to tell the children but doesn't want me to tell them that she is currently seeing OM. I won't lie to them but I'm not sure if my desire to tell them about OM is just an attempt by me to hurt WW.
Any advise re telling the kids would be appreciated.
BS(me)42 WW 41 Ds 15 & 10
Dday1 1st Oct 06 false recovery
Dday2 1st June 07
Married sept 89
Met sept 84
Affair ongoing
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eggchaser, your kids should be told the truth. If not, that leaves them wide open for your wife to lie to them. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Be sure and give them moral guidance about adultery. They should be told that adultery is immoral and why it is immoral, lest they grow up believing this is a good thing. Dr. Harley recommends that the children are told the truth so please tell them.
Bravo to you for telling the OMW. So sorry to hear of her devastation. I hope you have also told the OM's parents and your W's parents.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hello mate, I know who you are.
Exposure did exactly what exposure is supposed to do. You are in no way responsible for OMWs reaction to exposure.
Her H and your Ws choices are responsible for her reaction. I pray she recovers health and strength to fight this.
I UTTERLY agree with Melody. The kids need to know, tell your wife to tell them in front of you else you will tell them.
Your W has to live with the facts of her situation not the Bullsh[i][/i]it she would like to create.
Tell her that is she doesn't want to hurt the kids and doesnlt want them think badly of her, all she has to do is end her affair and come home because, as of now, you still MIRACULOUSLY have a heart to forgive and work on an improved marriage , although you can't say how long that situation might last.
It feels bad, eggchaser, but doesn't it feel SLIGHTLY righteous to have taken some control in the mess ?
All strength to you. If you ever worry about being busted on here email me. Addy is in my profile.
BTW Squid and me are off to Twickers on 4th August to see England Wales. Today is 3 years after a nasty , nasty d-day for us,and life is good. Think on that kid.
all blessings
MB Alumni
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So the kids know. I told them in front of her. I decided to tell them the whole truth(that mum was in love with another man).
After a couple of hours of tears and tantrums, things got back to "normal". Kids back to playing on xbox's.
So now apart from her dad thats everyone told. I've stopped feeling sick now, which is good.
I guess i need to dive into plan A now.
Not sure whether to leave the marriage bed, keep hugging, showing affection etc, its very confusing and feels a little unnatural now.
She for her part, continues to see the other man,will not consider leaving the kids, and has been wearing earings he bought for her cos she thought i would never notice!! I did and she isn't wearing them now.
Funny thing is, I'm starting to see the opportunities that being single might bring. I might have to live in a smaller house but i would have more spare money and there are plenty of attractive SINGLE women out there.Is this natural.
It's only been a week or so since exposure am i starting to give up before i've even started plan A
Where's all the emotion gone?
Confused
BS(me)42 WW 41 Ds 15 & 10
Dday1 1st Oct 06 false recovery
Dday2 1st June 07
Married sept 89
Met sept 84
Affair ongoing
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Wife continues to "see other man". Doesn't seem to be under any pressure. Friends advising that i should move to a separate bedroom. She seems so adamant that she is doing the right thing. Only person who doesn,t know now is her dad.
Any advise to keep me going would be appreciated.
BS(me)42 WW 41 Ds 15 & 10
Dday1 1st Oct 06 false recovery
Dday2 1st June 07
Married sept 89
Met sept 84
Affair ongoing
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Let us know when you are ready to plan B. Not other bedroom.... anyone who is doing this to your family s/b OUT! How brazen!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Read my link about the stages of grieving so you will see where you c/b and need t/b. Take care, L.
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Hi there Eggchaser.
Have you studied the Carrot and Stick plan?
Why doesn't her father know about the adultery?
I would not in any way contribute to any resource that she is using in her A.
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Hi eggchaser, Please have a look at my thread so that you don't make similar mistakes. I wouldn't move into the spare room that is something she can do. Don't let her make you feel that you have to do everything for her. She is having the A so she has to start to pay the price. The first one being is the spare room. Expose to her father, but don't expect him to be on your side 100% of the time. My IL's were on my side but the more my WW tells them that what she is doing is right the more they believe her. But don't let this put you off. Its a long and bumpy road and we all need help now and again just to remind one another to keep going. I have been telling my kids a little at a time about my situation, but yesterday I told them everything. Yesterday when my WW phoned to speak to my boys my DD8 asked where she was. She told him she was with OM but would be coming back to stay at her mothers. I asked my DD8 if he believed her and he said no, so I suggested we find out tomorrow. This morning on the way to church we passed by her mothers and her car wasn't there. This was another lesson my boys learned that Mummy is always telling the truth. Just try and take one day at a time. Don't loose your temper (I have too many times)if possible and try to get to some yoga lessons. This has helped me a lot. You are no where near ready for Plan B. Also try and read Bob Pure's loving detachment. It has taken me a while to understand it fully but I think I'm getting there. Regards HAF I was working out a situation with a friend the other day and it occurred to me FINALLY how to describe "loving detachment" in a practically applicable way.
In my own affair-battle, and in plan A , loving detachment was without doubt the technique that helped the most to get through the very bad times. It allowed me breathing space to be rational when faced with irrationality.
I have advised for panicking folks in the heat of this fight to "detach" but I always struggled to INSTRUCT them how to do it.
Well, a day late and a dollar short, but here goes - in case it helps anyone:
However vicious or entitled a persons actions may be towards us, and however dark a situation may appear, it is a stark realization that it is OURSELVES who render events with the power to frighten or hurt ourselves.
Some folks who tried to adopt loving detachment tried to IGNORE evil perpetrated in their lives and respond with a false rictus smile to the person who is hurting them. That is not what loving detachment is for me and I chide myself for not being able to explain sooner.
Loving detachment was a way I found to strip away the scariness I attributed to events and look only at the core elements of these events.
I'll start with a non infidelity example :
A banana skin skids to a halt at your feet, when you are rushing and feeling low, and you barely miss slipping on it. Things you might think while in an emotional state:
"I could have slipped on that ! GOD I might have broken my neck ! I Bet my spouse threw that there to kill me for my insurance ? What if there are more banana skins ? OH NO, I have to LIVE in a workd of banana skins for ever boo hoo hoo !"
What loving detachment thinks :
"A banana skin. I need to step around that so I don't slip. Stay vigilant in case of further banana skins as I can only control my OWN placement of banana skins, not other people's."
See ?
It doesn't matter if a person tried to sabotage you with that banana skin,OR if it was dropped accidentally by a passing magic flying monkey, the core challenge, and correct response is identical once you strip away all the layers of portent you ascribe to an event.
When Squid would attend karate competitions that I suspcted OM may be at, against my direct request a wellsping of panic and fear surged within me. " She'll be kissing him ! Maybe they're not even at a karate event! Perhaps they've left to elope !"
Then I shouted "Stop! Detach! " to myself.
Facts :
1. Squid went to referee a weekend competition against my request less than a month after d-day. The only thing I know for sure is she won't be home over Saturday night.
2. Even if she *IS* PA'ing with OM, it does not change our situation.I Expect her to be wayward at this time. I am not "more cuckolded" by this ,if so.
3. I know there IS a competition at the time / place she says and that she is sharing a room with a trustworthy mutual friend.
4. How can I affect this in future ? Well, exposing to OM GF may apply a compulsion to OM not to attend these events. I should expose.
5. The weekend without soaking up Squids poison gives me a respite ! I will take the kids to a childrens' farm !
Loving detachment is DELIBERATELY stripping away portent from events and facts to allow calm rationalisation as to whether you can affect a situation positively or not.
It is not ignoring, it is not soaking up, it is not tolerating. It is revealing and dealing with the FACTS as practially as possible.
Another real example :
Event : Squid is highly entitled and is bullying me in her affair pomp, in the second whole week after NC established. She is making no effort to be transparent nor to work on our marriage. Highly dismissive, vituperative. I am terrified, the kids are being hurt.
WHOAH Bob !!! LOVING DETACHMENT MODE PLEASE :
What would I do if I were not afraid ?
- I'd tell Squid that I would rather live without her than WITH her this mean and disrespectful
What am I afraid of ?
- That this is the best Squid can ever give me and that she would leave if I enforced a boundary requiring more
SO this is a dignity issue. Best case is that I get my baby AND my dignity. Whats the best compromise ?
- That I keep my dignity and lose my baby.
So, loving detachment, what are the FACTS to consider ?
1. She could leave ANY time she wanted with or without my protecting my dignity
2. If she left as a result of having to respect minimum boundaries, I am only worse off if I value that toxic corruption of a marriage more than my own dignity.
3. If she leaves I will be healthy,have the support of my employer and my kids and we will be fine, after a time of sadness. It is highly unlikely that we will be broken by this.
4. If she stays and respects my boundaries we may all just "win the lottery" !.
Decision - restate my boundary to Squid.
Lovng Detachment released me from the chains of fear. That night I asked Squid my famous question :" baby WHY are you here ? You said you would stay and work on our marriage - and I am struggling to see anything I would call "marriagebuilding" from you right now. I want you , very much, but I do not need you. Do not stay only because you think I will fall apart if you leave. I will not.
The door on this marriage is open - you can leave any time, as can I. Just know that I will not tolerate perceived disrespect for long before I protect myself from it."
Squid flipped a switch that night like so many WS do.
Even when I make a bad decision using the facts loving detachment presented me, I could simply apply LD to the NEW situation and make a new decision in light of my experience.
Does any of this make any sense ? I hope it helps.
Together 10 Years
Married 14 Febuary 04
DD 6 March 2007
DS8 & DS9
BS 38(me)
WS 39
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Last night she goes out" with OM. This morning she's happy as larry, being supermum. At last i feel anger(Where was it when i needed it?) I really want her to suffer some pain, the way i've had to over the last 10 months.Am i so bad for feeling this?
Nothing seems to be bothering her, she doesn't seem to have any shame or concern for my wellbeing. wasn't I the love of her life for 20 years? Now I'm no better than something on the sole of her shoes.
In tears again now. I so need to feel wanted.
Thanks for listening
BS(me)42 WW 41 Ds 15 & 10
Dday1 1st Oct 06 false recovery
Dday2 1st June 07
Married sept 89
Met sept 84
Affair ongoing
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I know exactly how you feel. The anger will build up and you will blow. Step out of the room when it happens, don't discuss anything with her. I have blown my top too many times. Yesterday I found a letter from my WW solicitor discussing a residence order for her to keep my boys, they also talked about getting an order placed on me if I hit her(which I never have although by God I would like to) or grabbed her. I did grab her the other week after she hit me as I was asking questions about our relationship. I told her I would throw her out if she wanted to be with OM so much. I can tell you I didn't feel any better afterwards. It only made me feel worse. Major LB if ever there was one. You need to try and see her argument coming, so as to avoid any outburst. Much easier said than done I know. Since this has happened I have started to do some Yoga and it is helping. You need to have the patience of a saint and Take some big deep breaths.
What are you doing with regards to Plan A. I'm no pro far from it but I can see things in your situation which are so similar to mine and I hope that you don't do what I did.
Have you looked at Pepperband's carrot and stick, read it print it off and keep reminding yourself of what you need to do.
Since my WW and I have moved to different houses while this is going on things have calmed down, but it isn't helping me get my M back on track its just stopping me creating too many LB's. I still try to meet her EN even though she is not there.
Its the weekend so there won't be much posting to help you. I would recommend reading Surviving an Affair, you can get it from this website. I bought it from here and got it in a few days from order and that was to the UK. You need to study it, not just read it. I read in 2 days and was advised to study it. Every time I read it I find something else which compares to my situation.
I'll continue to watch your thread.
HAF
Together 10 Years
Married 14 Febuary 04
DD 6 March 2007
DS8 & DS9
BS 38(me)
WS 39
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Hurray. Stood up to her. I know it isn't a great victory but it did feel good to stand up for myself.didn't know i knew so many swearwords. Don't care if was a major LB it felt good.
Told her to move her stuff into the spare room as this was our marriage bed. Our room has an on suite which she loves. She kicked and screamed so i went to work. Came back and she had moved her stuff!!!
She went out this afternoon so i moved all her stuff back into the main room. Why? Because i could!
She comes home discovers all her gear back(I've gone to spare room for now)Whats going on she says
I thanked her for doing something decent for the first time, but i didn't need the master bedroom and i would allow her to have it. This confused her but as she was leaving she turned gave me a kiss and thanked me. Go figure!
BS(me)42 WW 41 Ds 15 & 10
Dday1 1st Oct 06 false recovery
Dday2 1st June 07
Married sept 89
Met sept 84
Affair ongoing
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Thought i was getting stronger. Decided to snoop on her text messages tonight.
"Can you call me". He's out ring me when you can" And the one that got through my defenses "Hi Sexy, will call you later, Love you"
I have exposed the affair to every one i know now.She's decided to start making friends with work colleague's so yet again does not appear affected at all.
She even went round to the OW house to face up to her.
OW rang me to say that she had never met such a cold woman before. No remorse, no pity nothing.
Can anyone convince me this is going to work? Can't see any hope.Maybe i should just accept it and move on.
Any words of encouragement would be helpful. Having a bad day
BS(me)42 WW 41 Ds 15 & 10
Dday1 1st Oct 06 false recovery
Dday2 1st June 07
Married sept 89
Met sept 84
Affair ongoing
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Hi Egg,
I read some of my WW text messages earlier in her A. I only managed to read OM text to my WW, some were about being altogether one day, there families and everything, others were more intimate where he spoke of her doing things and him doing things to her. That made my blood boil, as we never sent each other text massages like that.
What I can say its not normal and you have to remind yourself your WW is fogged out, which is why she came across very cold to OW. I learned yesterday that my WW family are still putting pressure on her but she is still thinking everything will be ok. Against all the odds she still thinks it will be ok and is still no nearer being with OM as she was some months back, it fact its probably got worse for her.
You need to try and disrupt her A as best you can and start pushing Plan A. Try spending more time with the kids doing things they want to do. Do things round the house that you may have not done it the past, wash, cook anything and read and study SAA, this book will help you understand things better. It may be worth speaking to a MC, even if this is on your own.
Together 10 Years
Married 14 Febuary 04
DD 6 March 2007
DS8 & DS9
BS 38(me)
WS 39
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