So reading the forums, the scenario seems pretty common and the advice all the same, so I guess I don't really expect a solution, but every effort is worth it.

My wife and i have been married just over 5 years. We are both in our mid 20's. my wife was brought up in a very religious household and attended a Christian school. after finishing school and moving out of home, she went thru a "party stage" that included drinking and some lower level drugs (pot and mushrooms). after that stage she went to college and met me.. i was also in a party stage at this point, although tapering off, so we just partied and drank moderately, but nothing as hard as before. we hit it off almost immediately and spent every moment we could together. we slept together quite often and had a very active sex life. we were soon engaged and decided about 6 months to stop having sex, to make the wedding night more special (her idea, i obliged with no questions or resentment.. i thought it was a good idea too). so anyways, we still lived together and slept in the same bed, but no sex or sex related activities of any kind. come wedding night i was very excited, but she not so much. i didn't press any further, but she must've felt a vibe or something and we did end up making love that night, but not to our previous vigor. we then left for our honeymoon and did not have sex once in the 2 weeks we were gone. I was disappointed, but understanding, it had been a busy few months leading to the wedding.

so it's been pretty sparse since then.. maybe once every couple of months if I'm lucky. we did have a baby girl at the beginning there, so that does account for some time too. we've read ton's of material, attended group counseling and individual counseling and just can't seem to figure it out. it seems she always has a reason not too. and the few times she is does feel randy, she'll mention it and tease me and refuse to act on it at the moment if it's during the day. she says we will that night, but it seldom results in anything other than further frustration.

i'm at a loss.. i am a religious man and know what i am not supposed to do..

so what do i do if the only woman one who can satisfy me refuses to? i feel my eyes and mind wander and do everything i can to pull it back, but i don't know how much longer i can keep from doing something i REALLY don't want to do.


please help... ALL suggestions/feedback/criticism/questions welcome.

You know, sometimes I long for the pre-feminist advice our grandmothers gave. There was the advice about never letting yourself go because the single secretaries at your husband's work would be looking put together. Then, there was the advice of making sure to satisfy your husband so he didn't have any reason to stray.

In our effort to show that we are more than domestic and sexual slaves, we women have overlooked the wisdom behind these words.

So, if your wife isn't lucky enough to have a grandmother telling her to put lipstick on in the morning and that at night it's her duty to her husband, her God and even her country to have sex wiht her husband... I think you need to be very clear what is at stake.

There's a fine line between radical honesty and veiled threats. It's your responsibility to tell your wife that not having this need filled by her is hurting your marriage, whether she feels that hurt yet or not. It's hurting your marriage because you're beginning to look at others, and because you're scared you'll never get what you need sexually again. Is there a trust person in the church who can talk to your wife? Share with her what's at stake?

If you've done everything, and she still refuses to meet your needs, or she's unable to meet them, then you're faced with a hard decision. Can you live even peacefully without it?

BTW, I think I read somewhere where refusing to do your marital duty, ie sex, is grounds for divorce in some churches. It is a very real betrayal. Perhaps not the sudden, searing pain of infidelity, but a lasting, dull pain that also can rob life of joy. Sort of the difference between a car wreck and cancer.

Welcome, NG, to MarriageBuilders.

I don't know what to say if you've read all the threads for guys in your situation and the advice was all the same.

Was it the same in all the books you read, the MC you guys went to...the group and individual counseling...was that for marital counseling?

You've read Harley's Fall in Love, Stay in Love...his Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders...you've done the Emotional Needs Questionnaires and the Love Busters ones....you've made the 15 hours of Undivided Attention a priority, even with a baby...and you're following the Four Rules of Marriage...

And the only EN which isn't being fulfilled is SF?

See, I don't see where you said "she can't figure out why she chooses to not meet this EN." Are you saying you guys can't figure it out? In all the research, talking, counseling, what have you figured out?

It's complicated...it's a symbol of mutuality, partnering. GG is dead on for you to communicate how very important this EN is for you. For you to know what it symbolizes to you, and when you know that...then you cannot choose to do that which you do not want to do.

I hope you mean divorce or separate, not an affair.

As a woman who has done what your wife is doing (and not doing), I can honestly say I had no clue in understanding myself...sex was for love...and once I knew I was love, often, no sex. Then from fear, duty sex (as GG describes)...and not duty sex. All over the board. Because I didn't know me, how I operated, what I cherished or how to share my stuff with my DH (that's dear, not dead).

Please understand that everything you're doing is required...learning to partner, not parent, is huge. Learning that love isn't giving to get, it's a choice we make, a belief we choose, and act from. And in that, we are filled with loving feelings, which spill over.

If SF is about connection, soul to soul, expression of love and mutuality to you...have you truly communicated that to her? She may feel connected to you with words, acts of service, affirmation...getting her connection and not understanding that you don't connect the same way. Both of you can learn new ways.

There are Christian-based, pro-marriage counselors out there, many who specialize in this...you can even call the Harley's for phone counseling.

I don't see where group or IC is going to further your connection. MC, definitely. I hope you read all the articles on this website, join together to really explore how to partner, which is what Harley specializes in, and affair-proof your marriage.

Your frustration, pain, fear and resentment are valid. They are what you feel. Acting on them is a choice, not a mandate. Understanding them...if you feel rejection, betrayal, deceived...then talking about those feelings are essential.

LA

Welcome to this website, NG. Wish it could have been under better circumstances.

From what you wrote, it appears that in your marriage everything is fine, except for sex. Right? You have a healthy 3 to 4 year old child, good jobs, good house, are healthy, etc.? You love each other, have no resentments, are pulling your weights in house hold chores, taking care of your child, etc.?

Women generally have a real, real difficulty understanding what sex means to a guy. They do not understand for some guys sex is the thing that he lives for.

To some women having sex is a great way of spending time with their husbands. Yeah, it is good, fun time, but that’s about it. But to a guy, his life revolves about sex.

Of course, we’ve been told that the notion that in a marriage sex is a benefit for a man, and a duty for a woman is outdated, sexist, even oppressive. Women do not want to give into the whining for fearing that they’ll feel used. Guys do not want to push it, because they’ll fear that they’ll look oppressive, and not loving.

She needs to understand that a marriage is a relationship where people who love each other do things for each other not because they’ll get something in return, but because they love the other person. She needs to understand that you are very unhappy, and that you feel cheated.

Now, you need to be very careful how you approach this. You need to make her feel safe to open up to you. You need to make sure that it is not a struggle between her and you.

Once a week, every single week, have an hour-long talk about your relationship. Not about your careers, family, kids, the house, or your crazy neighbor. Just about you and her. Talk about yourselves, your dreams, what can you do to improve your relationship, etc. I’ll do wonders in understanding what she wants and what you want, when you get to discuss it in a long, calm, and intelligent conversation.

If you limit it to just sex, her reaction that she’d rather paint or watch TV would be normal. What would be in it for her, since she is not interested in sex as much as you? During a ‘relationship hour’, the two of you can talk about what you can do for her and what she can do for you; what she wants and what you want; what you do wrong and what she does wrong; what you can do to improve your relationship and what she can do to improve your relationship; etc. There will be a lot of give and take. But if you concentrate only on talking about sex, the two of you will only talk about what you want, what she is doing wrong, what she can do to improve sex. This would be really a downer for her. I understand that you would never mean it as a criticism of her, but it would seem to her that way. It would be a one-way discussion. After all, how would you feel if the two of you would get together in, let’s say, ‘Domestic Support Hour’ or ‘Financial Support Hour’, where she would tell you what she wants, what you can do to do it, what you are doing wrong, how you can improve your performance (around the house or financially)?

And finally, do not ever have sex on the night that you have this discussion. Do not hint at it, or accept it from her if she offers it at that night.

NG0,
The Emotional Needs questionnaires found on this website are a great way to begin the conversation about your need for sexual fulfillment (SF). Print off two copies and you complete one and she completes the other. Then talk about what are your most important needs and how you can meet each other's needs.

My H and I completed these after his A, and it has been so very helpful as we communicate. It really provides a greater level of understanding for both spouses. And then we were able to come to some level of understanding and agreement. Perhaps her needs are security and an attractive spouse and yours are sexual fulfillment and recreation. It might be that you are on opposite ends of the spectrum, however, it doesn't mean that you are not compatible. Your wife needs to understand your needs and you need to talk about how she can help to meet your needs (maybe date night every other week to start?). And you also need to think about your wife's needs and how you can meet those as well.

Your situation is not uncommon, but it is dangerous. You are already wondering and lusting over other women as a result of this unmet emotional need of yours. However, remain strong and DO NOT have an affair. Work diligently to meet one another's needs and you will have a wonderful marriage. Have an A and while you might have the release you need, you risk losing everything.

Take care and good luck.
SS

NG0,

I'm in the same boat here, or maybe worse. Although I like to have sex with my wife twice a week, I haven't done it for about the last 3 years, and probably averaged out to be just less than once every year for the last seven years. I have been looking online for any help that I can get. Unfortunately, my wife is too sensitive even when I try to talk to her calmly.

I'm very religious, and I try to adhere myself to Bible's standard of not even committing adultery in thoughts. Although I must admit that such standard is very hard for a human being.

I can't give you any advice, but if you find any good ones, I will be interested in hearing about it.

My wife won't have sex with me because she claims it's very painful for her after having childbirth. So I just cycle through crankiness, (extreme) disappointment, and then back to normal routines once I recover from my cyclic sadness. The good thing is that I don't pressure my wife at all or talk to her about these issues. I try to keep these to myself. It's not that I don't want to talk to her. It's because for those few occasions that I try to talk to her, she simply go berserk after a couple of my sentences.

NG0

I think soulsurvivor (hi SS) is right on the money with the emotional needs focus. Do you know what your wife's ENs are? I was troubled by my lack of desire for SF after my last child was born. It wasn't until recently that I realized that MY resentment over my ENs not being met was the main problem in this.

so what do i do if the only woman one who can satisfy me refuses to? i feel my eyes and mind wander and do everything i can to pull it back, but i don't know how much longer i can keep from doing something i REALLY don't want to do.

__________________

tell HER that.
nicely, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And finally, do not ever have sex on the night that you have this discussion. Do not hint at it, or accept it from her if she offers it at that night.

________________

why not? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

i don't get this advice, AG.........what could be wrong w/ having sex if both parties (husband and wife, at that) are interested?

would you please explain your advice?
can you explain this

Several interrelated reasons.

Firstly, it negates the pressure that a couple feels where there is a problem with SF. He does not have to worry if he is going to get some that night (and feel frustrated if he doesn’t), she doesn’t have to worry about if she has to give in that night. There are there to solve problems related to SF and not to have sex.

Secondly, it shows her that he is serious about discussing sex in a rational manner. A guy in his position will say pretty much anything to get to jump her bones. If he makes it clear (either expressly or if he implies it) that he wants to talk about sex but that sex will not happen that night, it will obviate the thoughts that would be going through her mind: “is he serious in what he says, or is it all just some sweet talk to get me to spread my legs?” It puts her at ease to talk openly, it put him at ease.

Thirdly, problems with SF can’t be solved quickly. Such problems need to be resolved over weeks or months. If they have sex on the same night as when they talk about solving their sex problem, it will mitigate his misplaced thoughts “Wow that sex with her was great! I see than my talk really helped. The problem is solved! We don’t need to worry about it anymore.” It will also mitigate her misplaced thoughts: “I hope he enjoyed that. I have shown him that I can be great in bed, so his criticism of me not being available is misplaced. Hopefully, he wont bother me with his talk about sex anymore.

Fourthly, it gives her a way to prosecute her plan on her own time schedule. She will have sex with when she is more ready, when she has more time.

Fifthly, time management. If they talk about sex for 40 minutes and another 40 minutes for sex, that makes for a long night. It is easier to find two 40 minute session on separate nights.

Wow. Thank you all so very much for the advice. My wife and i have done an exercise similar to the emotional needs questionnaire (except it was called love languages instead). We are generally very open to conversation and talk about "us" quite often. She is aware of the fact that she is not meeting my SF requirements and frustrated with herself for not knowing why she is not interested in doing so. As for her emotional needs? we have done much deliberation and am still unable to determine what it is that she is looking for. We have been busy moving lately and haven't had much time for having a serious discussion lately. I will be taking all of your advice and attempting to make some progress. I will let you all know how it turns out.

frustrated_guy - I feel your pain. I find myself undergoing the same cycle. I commend you for being able to keep your thoughts pure. I too am trying, with limited success. As for advice? I think communication is key. If you hope to find fulfillment you need to get a conversation on your relationship going. Try using your pastor or marriage counselor to help mediate if you need to. Then again.. who am i to be giving advice

I will try to update more regularly.. i have internet again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If they have sex on the same night as when they talk about solving their sex problem, it will mitigate his misplaced thoughts “Wow that sex with her was great! I see than my talk really helped. The problem is solved! We don’t need to worry about it anymore.”
__________--

ah....now, this does make sense to me.

i often have problems understanding the type of advice you gave because I am not a woman who is uninterested in sex. i have always enjoyed sex and iniate frequently....i tend to think when both are into it.....go for it, it can only help the relationship.
BUT, what you explained above is very true for us.......my H often thinks ALL our problems are solved if we have great sex.
and that's not the way it works.

thanks.

LMAO!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I think that 90% of guys think that answer to every marital problem is just more sex.

I heard a wise man say once: "There are many, many problems in this world of ours, but very few cannot be resolved by judicious application of money or sex."

I heard a wise man say once: "There are many, many problems in this world of ours, but very few cannot be resolved by judicious application of money or sex."

____________________

now i am LMAO!!
I think all our problems would be solved if we just had more money!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />