I am trying to take steps to allow her to be on her own, be free and take care of her self. Last night the three of us went to a Rodeo celebrating our States birthday and I only paid for me and my son and also only for our food. After the event she commented on how expensive the event was for her. Then we stop to put gas in her car and I let her pay instead of me doing so as always.

About a week and a half ago she told me she had bought a new bed for herself and I told her congratulations. But, then I knew the type of bed she would be ending up with for the money she said she paid. I told her I have a friend of my dad that works for a mattress company and he can get a really nice pillow top for about $100 more then she paid for the cheap one she got. I told her to get her money back and to purchase the one that I could get for her. She told me she did not have the money to pay for a more expensive bed and that she had to borrow money from a friend to get the bed she bought. I told her don't worry about it she could pay what she could and I would loan her the rest. The guy has been on vacation until last Monday, so we have been unable to make any progress. Yesterday she ask me if I had spoke to him and I said I had, but the girl who gives him the pricing is out until Wednesday (today). I told her that I also would not be able to lend her the money to purchase the bed and that she should save up for it and purchase it all on her own, She said "Oh, ok." and we left it at that.

Her is another question for you. In our divorce decree she is supposed to pay $260 a month in child support. I know she is very concerned about the impact of this money on her financially. I do not need the money from her and of course I feel bad that she has to pay it. I know most people will say have her pay it. But, what do if I do if she says I can't afford it this week or I don't have the money. I know if I do not ask her for it she will just assume I am ok with her not paying, which I am of course. So, I am not sure how I am going to approach that money situation.

The BIG, Christian, loving, easy going part of me says to tell her to keep her money.... now and forever. I'll reserve what the "worldly" side says.

I would make her pay the money. If you don't need it put it into an account for your children's college or whatever. Your children will resent her one day if she doesn't pay. She will feel like she is abandoning her children if she doesn't pay. If she can't pay $260 a month for her children then something is wrong. My child support is many times that and it's hard to pay sometimes, but that's just the way it is. Pay the child support first, rent second, then everything else. Sleep on the floor, but pay for your children. Just my opinion.

When the courts set the $260 amount, I did tell her that I would like the money to be placed in a savings account for our son and that is still my intentions for the money if I ask for it.

nugget,
I, too, would hold her to her financial obligations. This is part of the consequence of wanting out of the marriage.

When she says "I can't pay it all or I can't pay you this month." You should ask her what she intends to do about it. I would not give her an easy out. You have to remember that this is your son's money, his fund for college, and he's going to need it. Once you miss a payment, it's very hard to double up on it the next month. Very hard indeed.

It's really not up to you to 'let it slide' on your son's behalf. It's not your money; it's your son's.

Divorce is expensive. She needs to understand this. It's far more expensive to divorce than to make the efforts necessary to make the marriage work.

He's going to need a lot of things as he grows up, and you need to free up your own money to provide those things with ease, such as clothes, doctor visits, glasses, braces, camps, sports, etc.

You will have him all week, and though you love him very much, children can be expensive. You should have some help with those expenses, regardless of how much you make. It's only right. All along for the past 5 years, she has not engaged as your wife. Let her help you now in at least this way.

Sooly, your wisdom as always has made me seen things differently. I on my part feel bad that she has to pay the money when, I do not need it and she does not have it. She on her part, says that that it is money that she has to give to me each month and it is going to be hard for her to afford to do. But, we are both wrong in our thinking. It is not my money or her money, she is not giving it to me and I am not taking it from her. It belongs to our son and it is going to be used for him. It is his money.

Exactly, nugget. It's his, and he's going to need it. He deserves a comfortable life, and this is just a good way to ensure that your money will be freed up to do that and that part of his extended educational expenses will be taken care of. Accumulatively, this could come to over $40,000 by the time he is ready for college, as long as she meets all her payments, of course. That's quite a chunk of money.

This is one way that your son has been caught in the middle, not to his knowledge of course, but you understand what I mean. This is a good way for both of you to protect his interests in all of this.

I have been rather busy the past couple of days with things (looking for a new building for my business, totaling my car in an accident) that have drawn my attention away from missing my wife and I think it has actually been very beneficial to our sit.

Yesterday, I meet my wife at Starbucks to drop off our son to her, for her weekend visitation and to get my daily dose of "Venti Carmel Light Frappuccino, No Whip, No Drizzle (yeah I am hooked). And she asked me if I wanted to go get dinner (she never asks, it's always me asking), I was kind of surprised. But, more surprised at my response. I told her I would love to but, I had to go meet a guy to pick up my new PPC phone (I easily could have done it the next day). I was shocked at my response and sort of proud. She was also, she was at a loss of words for a half a second.

Later that night my son called from her cell phone to say hi to me (she has not had him call me in the past 2 weeks since we have been separated, I always call them). Me and him chatted for about 10 minutes, which for those of you with 5 year olds will agree that is a long time for them to talk on the phone. My son then asked my wife if she wanted to talk to daddy and surprisingly she said yes, she usually says no. Me and her had casual conversation for about 10 minutes also. At the end of our call I told her to have a very restful and pleasant evening and she said you to, oh and hey if your not busy tomorrow do you want to go get breakfast with us. Once again I was shocked. It has been forever since she has initiated the idea of us going somewhere. It is always me. Needless to say I agreed. I did not want to say no twice in 2 days.

Anyway, everyone says to back off, give her space, etc., etc. But it is a tough habit to break. Especially for those of us that are co-dependent on the companionship of our spouse like myself. But, from pure dumb luck and the fact that my brain has had to focus on other matters besides my R, I have been forced into backing off and giving her space. And you know what. I am seeing small signs that it is true. That is what I need to do. It won't be so much of a challenge for me, now that I know it can have positive affects. And the fear I have had about giving her space and that she will perceive that as if I have moved on and I am interested in her anymore, is fading.

Listen to the advice of other. Dare to go against your instinct. Be patient. Be positive. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. That is what I am telling myself now.

I imagine it's a bit confusing, nugget, when she does this. I would guess she's a bit lonely since you told us her 'friends' at work aren't really good friends, and now she finds herself without the benefit of your company or your sons for 5 days of the week.

This could all be a good thing. Make sure she gets plenty of alone time though. She needs to realize what it's going to be like if she doesn't want to be a wife (who was taken care of very well, I might add.) She needs a lot of reflection time to appreciate what she had and to realize what she let go of.

I do think you have the right idea, to be very busy and to have an active life that doesn't include her. Don't say yes very often or it will make it look like you have not moved on and will emphasize the codependency. And it may do you good to have the place to yourself, child free for a few days a week, to watch the movies you want and be able to leave the house without worrying about accommodations for a child.

Enjoy this time if you can. You never know when someone else will come along or if she will reconsider.

Sooly, I am trying to do exactly what you have suggested. I did spend most of the day with her today. She has been sharing a bed with her new roommate (one of her friends), because she did not have a bed of her own. So I found a bed for her today in the local classifieds and borrowed my brothers truck to go help her pick it up and then went shopping with her for sheets, pillows etc., and the we had dinner together. Surprisingly I made her pay for it all. I know it was a very huge impact on her financially, but she needs to know what it cost to live on your own and how hard it can be try to make ends meet. She asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with her tomorrow, but I told her I could not, because, I already had made plans, but thanked her for the invitation and asked her for a rain check. I told her I could not, because, just like you said I am really ready for a day just for myself where I do not have to worry about anyone else's well being. Will be nice to have a day off, sort of.

I am heading out of town for two weeks with my son tomorrow, so my wife wanted to go out to eat with us before we leave. After dinner I told her I wanted to go to the park so our son could play and I needed to talk to her.

I told her that I needed someone in my life to love me and that I can love back. And that I understand that she can not be that person right now and that for my emotional well being I need to start on the path of letting her go. I told her I really want us to be together and that I am, for the time being, willing to work out or issues together. But, if that is not something she wishes to do, then I will have to learn to accept that and try to move on with my life. I told her she needs to sprout her own wings and fly. That I have clipped them (her wings) and I have been holding her back from experience life on her own (making her own decisions, taking care of herself, paying her own way, etc.).

Nugget: I am curious about how she reacted to this news.

Sooly

Honestly she did not react. I was hoping for some kind of read from here, but I got nothing. No body language, no real verbal reaction, nothing.

Nugget - I think the 2 weeks will be good for her to reflect and do a lot of thinking. I would limit your contact to just getting she and your son connected on the phone and let it go at that while you're away. I would not be surprised if you get a better read on her intentions after you get home.

This may be what both of you need to resolve within yourselves what you have to do to make yourselves happy.

Sooly

That is what I am hoping for. I hope to be able to get some type of read from her or see if there is any difference in how she feels when we return.

I have restrained from calling her at all and I only talked to her to answer the phone and pass it to S when she calls.

Gratefully I am with family here and they are helping me to keep my mind off of my wife. Which is making it easier to put into practice everything I need to be doing (giving her space, not calling, not talking R, not trying to take care of her). Hmmmm extended vacation maybe???? LOL

My wife has been living with a friend of hers since we separated, in a small 2 bedroom apartment. Her friend is going to start having her 2 kids live with her and so my wife has to find somewhere else to live. She has an application in with the state for subsidized housing, but there is a 2 month waiting list. She has another friend with a room for her, but that friend already has 4 people living there and I would make it hard for her to have our son stay with her during her days of visitation. She hinted around to me if I had looked into getting a place of my own yet (I am staying at my mothers until I sucure a location for my business). I told her I was not looking for a place yet, not until I know where I am opening my store at because I want to have a house close to the business. She said when do you think that will be? I said I have no idea probably a couple of months at least, she said oh really that long.

A part of me thinks she wants to move back in together, but I can not say for sure. I know she was not happy with her currently living situation and now it seems to be getting worse.

I do not mind us moving in together, but I do not want us to return to the old ways of me doing everything and taking care of all her needs. Is there a way to move back in together and set some guidelines or a POJA to keep this from happening.

Should I approach her about moving back in together or allow her to do it? I think us being under one roof again could make it easier to work on things together. But, I also know it could be destructive and put us back to where we were.

I think you should wait for her to bring it up. If she does than you should consider doing it so she can see the changes you have made first hand. like we talked before, it is hard to to dbing if you are not together. it sounds promising for you. Im pulling for you buddy.

chtd, I agree with you I do want her to approach me about it. That will show me also a great sign on her part, that all hope for me in her eyes may not be lost. Now if I can just find the willpower to be patient and allow it to play out.

Nugget, I have been following this through post one and often see several similarities in myself and my wife. I Truly think that if you had the will power to hold out 2 weeks from talking to her, that you could hang tight for a little while longer. It would show you she wants to make progress, it may not be the fastest process in the world, but things take time. I hope the best for you! Good luck!