Hello. I came across this site tonight and am so thankful. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have dated the love of my life for the past 5 years. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me.

The only problem I have with him is that after this long, I feel as though he should be ready to commit to marriage. I ended things a few months ago and I must admit that part of me thought he would come chasing after me with a ring (which never happened).

In talking with him, he states that he would marry me tomorrow if kids weren't an issue. (I have always said that I wanted kids and he has always said that he knew he wanted them, just not anytime soon.) Now he's saying he doesn't know if he'll ever want children and he doesn't want to marry me, and then break the news that he doesn't want kids.

My problems are...#1 Wouldn't someone who truely didn't want children know that from the begining?

#2 If he's "on the line" about the children issue, why can't he compromise and say that having one child would be worth it if it meant keeping me in his life.

#3 I have thought about me not needing children after all. I have told him this, but he feels as though I am grasping at straws trying to keep our relationship alive, and that I will end up resenting him if I don't have children.

#4 He agreed to go to counseling a couple of weeks ago, and he still hasn't...why can't he show any initiative? I know he still has feelings for me (we talk about once a week and everytime he is practically in tears when we try to talk about our relationship)

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.

I don't know what the Harley's would say, but this is what I would say, so take it with a grain of salt.

Dump him. If he was going to marry you, he would have done it by now.

#1 - And he probably knew the whole time he didn't want kids, but didn't want to tell you for fear you would dump him.

#2 - Having just one kid is not really a compromise, but even if it were he's obviously not willing to do that for you. That should tell you something.

About point #3, he is probably right. And why should you miss out on having a child when there are plenty of other men out there who do want kids?

#4 - If you need counseling to repair your relationship BEFORE you marry, then it's not worth trying to fix.

I'm sure he does have feelings for you. He may even love you, but that's not enough. Almost any two people can fall in love, but that doesn't mean they would make a good lifelong couple. This is someone you would have to share your life with and grow old with. And the kids/no kids divide is something that really can't be bridged. It's a deal breaker. I don't see how it could be otherwise.

Don't buy into the whole cliche of men not wanting commitment. As soon as they start thinking about wanting kids and they think they found the right woman, they jump at it.

So dump him and find someone else. How old are you, by the way? If you are under 23 you should not be thinking about marriage yet anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It was really eye-opening to hear advice from someone other than a friend/family member that try to sugar coat things. I guess it's what I knew I should do, but was hoping to hear something different. By the way, I'm 27.

It sounds like you've found some huge issues, and it's a good thing you're not married. I married someone, who I am still married to, who said he wanted kids. I can't have them, and we didn't know that at the time we got married. Once I had my hysterectomy he thought that settled the issue, and went out and bought a motorcycle! We almost split up over that, and in fact, it's been a hard thing for me to let go of. I thought we were getting ready to adopt a baby--and he goes and gets a motorcycle. I eventually gave up the ideas, because it was evident they'd never happen. If you can, try and look more for what you need, and not give up on things for you. I've had to work hard at this and am still swimming up stream. Good luck

helpappreciated,

No problem. And you're still young enough that you have plenty of time to find someone new who wants kids. You might want to consider men slightly older than you (mid 30s) because they are more likely to be interested in marriage and starting a family and all that jazz.