Ruby,
I have computer problems at home. When last I left on Friday...I was going to post to one of your threads and time ran out. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
I totally understand the thrill...and you may well feel guilt because it's hitting your contrary belief that love is selfless, has sacrifice to be valid. It isn't. It's a choice. You making that choice, feeling delight, feeling thrilled...this is you, self-actualizing. Very thrilling and real...and contrary to a lot of beliefs you were raised with. Has power, limits and true freedom...I believe our acts of love from choice are us expressing who we really are...which is like turning life inside out, with joy.
Co-parenting...which I see as parenting (one parent, united parents) is really difficult...I totally understand. Just as in partnering, find out where your focus is...because egg-shells is the signal of resentment...where it's born...and making others our masters and then resenting THEM for that choice. I highly recommend "Between Parent and Child" by Eincott. Get it right away. What you have control over is your beliefs about rearing your children...funnily enough, we don't really see our own beliefs in this regard...nor share them with our partners as half of the parenting...and if your focus is on where he falls short or takes over...then you won't see where you're hiding from your own stuff by being distracted in his stuff.
Just as we followed hidden beliefs in our relationships, so do we in our parenting. They are divisive and disruptive...these hidden stuff. Think of promises you made to yourself that you WOULD NOT DO to your children which was done to you as a child. The total 180 from the 0 which was your experience. If H is doing these things...then your FOO stuff is being hit...separate from your parenting beliefs...and you may be recoiling to an opposite extreme which may be equally as unhealthy (and not what you really want) which makes the chasm of "parenting" larger than it really is between both of you.
Finding the primary page to act from...POJAing healthy boundaries and boundary enforcements...these are where we truly parent well from. And not all the time. The very triggers you wanted your care-giving H to help you resolve from your FOO are lodged in parenting your children now.
Not easy...definitely not possible for perfect...that book gives you a premise which matches the new one you're living by right now...harmonizes well...
We cannot control how we come off sounding...if your intent is to change your H's behavior or beliefs...then your intent is controlling. You have the power to choose your intent...it's what has changed most in your choice to act from love...you changed your intent (from giving to get to acting from your own choice to love)...your signals are now different. Same for parenting...as one parent...takes a lot of sharing, self-discovery, and aligning to your own code.
Interestingly enough, we often parent in the same way we parent our spouse...trying to control their response rather than live to our own code. Injecting respect is for all our relationships...and we are in a relationship with our children...their primary one...and the one which most reflects and overlaps our FOO one.
When we change our intent, act from respect, oddly enough, our spouses and children begin to hear our authentic voice...and decide, over time, not to perceive us as controlling or accusatory. Not within our control...they can still choose how they perceive us...when we focus on our part, our half, then we truly will let the outcome go.
Which is respecting others. And ourselves.
I don't believe for a minute our exchanges have been for nothing. I believe you contribute to my life as well as I contribute to yours. The whens, hows and whys are all up in the air...I trust we do. Because we share. I know the where's at least...right here.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
LA
