Expose and you think you will lose her.

Don't expose and you will lose her. Not to mention your pride, dignity and manhood.

Not a tough decesion.

Okay

I confronted my wife last night. Nothing unexpected - denial, denial, denial. When confronted with the "evidence" it was only silence, then "we never had any physical contact". Yeah right. That doesn't matter anyways.

No apologies, nothing. I didn't say anything else for the rest of the night concerning the A.

She has emailed me at work today. Said she is sorry - the same line I heard over three years ago. She wants to go back into counseling and has already scheduled a session with our previous MC.

I contacted an attorney today. I will meet with him tomorrow. I am trying to find a place to move to. I believe I will have one by this weekend. Yeah, I know, she should move out but I believe it will be less impactful on the kids.

Of course no discussions with our 4 kids 8, 10, 12 and 13. Any thoughts on how I should handle the discussion with the kids.

I am an absolute wreck.

Later.

Talk with your attorney, but we usually advise that the BS NOT move from the family home.

The kids need to be told that mom has a boyfriend and that is NOT okay when one is married.

After our first D-days, I moved out of the house, too, because I thought it would be less impactful on the kids.

That wasn't the case, and it wasn't the best thing to do. The kids ended up feeling like I abandoned them because of what their Dad did, like I dropped them right along with their dad. They could understand me being angry with dad, but still bring up the times when I left THEM.

Obviously you have to make your own choice, but if I had it to do over again, I would have never, ever let **HIS** A drive me out of my house and away from the kids. You are just as much their parent as she is, and you're not the one who messed up.

JMHO.
-AmI.

So how do I execute plan "B" without moving out? I can't force her out of the house unless I file for D. I have a friend who is an attorney in our small town (18,000 and we are the county seat) and he said I will never get the judge to have the mother moved out of the house.

Anyone have sugguestions on how I deal with the kids??

PS - I have begun the process of exposing the A.

Slicc:

Stay with Plan A for now.

Do the exposure.

Time to bring some heat on this guy.

Your not leaving. She can. She gets to finance it, as well.

Cancel her cell phone and her email access from the house.

You WILL feel stronger having done these things.

Stay on course for a month, and do an excellent plan A. Then you can consider the timing of Plan B.


LG

You can pack her bags, stick them on the curb, and change the locks. Sure, she can get back in with a court order, so make her go and do that. She probably won't.

That being said, I would plan A for a while (wo months) and let exposure do its work. I don't think you'll have to go to plan B, you just need to do a better job at standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries.

SLICC ~ we've all been just where you are, yes, you are a wreck, but you will be ok.

You MUST expose, and do not "begin" the process ~ you MUST do it in one fell swoop, otherwise your WW could get to it first and spin the story to her advantage. Tell everyone you are doing everything you can to save your marriage, and you are looking for support and help in putting pressure on the infidels to end their affair.

Your WW MUST commit to and institute NC FOR LIFE with OM. You will not be able to begin repairing your M until NC is in place and she goes through withdrawal and de-fogs.

Tell your children, the older ones at least, that Mommy has a boyfriend, and that in a marriage that is not OK, and that it is very hurtful to you for her to have a boyfriend. If she ends up having to move out (you go into Plan B), you can then tell them that as soon as Mommy dumps her boyfriend, she is more than welcome to come home, that you love Mommy and you want your M to work, but it can't when she has a boyfriend.

This is exactly what I told my kids about my FWH's affair, and it was very, very hard to tell them but it helped immensely.

And then keep on Plan A'ing her, while you expose.

Then sit back and watch the A meltdown when exposed to the light of day. Be prepared for all he** to break loose, but remember: your marriage can survive your WW's anger, it CANNOT survive an ongoing affair.

SLICC,

Get your ducks in a row.

You need as much intel as possible regarding OM. Where does he work, who are his family members, etc...

When you expose, do it right. Contact his employeer, as well as your WW's. Along will all family members, and as many friends possible.

Do not threaten exposure, as the Nike ad states "JUST DO IT"

Jims advice about packing her clothes and changing the locks is horrible and will cost you in the long run. You do not have the right to do this and many judges will then consider throwing you out of the house. DO NOT FOLLOW THIS ADVICE.

As advised by others, get your ducks in a row... expose to everyone...and DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME.

medc ~ I did exactly what Jim is advising in order to go into a very dark Plan B. What are your other options, if you don't think that this is appropriate?

How else do you get a WS out of the house in order to go into Plan B? Especially since it is advised, like you say, that the BS not leave the home.

What you do is consult an attorney and make sure that deciding to go into plan B does not conflict with the WS legal rights.

I am assuming he doesn't own the house in just his name.

He can invite her to leave but if she refuses there is nothing he can do.

So in a case like this a dark plan B may be impossible.

He would have to go to his lawyer and start a divorce proceeding.

In other words he may have no option but to go from Plan A to Plan D.

Hoping Plan D snaps her out of it.

I live in California and no lawyer in the world would suggest kickin gyoru spouse out or leaving until a legal document was drawn up and agreed to by both parties.

So my advice is you don't leave and then don't try to kick her out.

Get a lawyer and figure out what you can legally do.

You are correct and this is what I've told my brother. I'm sickened by seeing these very things being done to him by my SIL and his 2 kids. It's wrong.

And how do you think children will interpret this? No matter how much you think you're doing in the right by telling them of the affair or exposing or kicking to the curb, you are hurting the kids. I'm seeing this now with my niece and nephew. They didn't need to see or know these things.

You do not have the right to do this. Your current belief system just tells you that you do.

Frogs advice is spot on.

I can tell you as a former cop, I would have stood by and watched the spouse kick in the door to their own home if they chose to. They do not need a court order to get back in...they need a strong foot or a locksmith.

The thing to do is to handle this legally...otherwise the trouble could be all yours.

Ok, I see. I live in CA too, and I did not know this, or I may have done things differently. This is good to know.

To be honest, at that point, I didn't really care. I was so out of my mind after a ten month false recovery, I didn't give a rat's a** what happened. I just wanted him out of here.

nonameo ~ go away, we know your little games. Stop pretending to be someone you are not. BTW, the spouse's AFFAIR is hurting the kids, not the way the BS is trying to break it up and repair the M. Learn something about MB concepts before you start spouting off your nonsense.

I'm not playing any games here and am gaining an understanding of the very principals my my SIL has adopted.

I'm fully aware of MB concepts, as it's been preached upon in my brother's life for months now. It's been something discussed day in and day out. So don't tell me what I don't know and that I'm spouting off I have very differing views and I'm free to express it.

And you're very skewed in your thinking that the affair is the only thing that hurts the children. Some of these things you've been advised to do is hurting them as well. However, you only see what you want to see (just as my SIL). You must be made of the same mold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't think his WW is EVER going to file, but I do understand he'd be putting himself at a huge risk. How about telling her sternly she needs to move out, and getting others to put pressure on her to move out? What about packing her bags, but not changing the locks? There are ways to get people to do what you want.

Oh, right...it's better to LIE to them than to tell them the truth.

Or, it's better for them to think that somehow it's THEIR FAULT that mom or dad left or moved out.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Puh-lease. If you don't like the MB principles, then why are you here? How disrespectful, to come here and start telling us that what we are doing is wrong. There are plenty of other sites/message boards out there, why don't you find one that supports YOUR ideas, instead of coming here and right off the bat telling us that what we are doing is wrong?

I'm here to gain understanding of what she's doing. She reads here and some of us believe she needs to know there are differing views as how to handle things. If she's not going to listen in the same room, perhaps she'll read it here (and I've made her aware of who I am).

And how do you think that would work on a different message board huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'll post here.

nonameo,

It's not the actions of the BH that are what is hurting the kids, it is the consequences of what the WW is doing. The BH has got to do what he has to do to keep his family together, it's unfortunate that the childrend will get hurt, but that is only the fault of the WW. She's the one that put her children in this situation, and she is going to have to be the one to repent to shield her children from any more pain. The BH is just trying to keep his family together.