nonameo, I don't know your story..since you have never posted it...but with just 4 posts and no threads of your own at this point...why are you offering advice??? Have you lived through an affair??? How many kids do you have???

It is easy to criticize that which is being said...but do you have any constructive solutions???

But help me gain understanding here. If the BS knows that the children are being hurt by some of these tactics (seeing things thrown to the curb, changed locks), why would he/she still do so? Isn't this even worse? I'm trying to understand this and can't see how this helps matters with kids involved. Their lives fall apart even more to see it. Wouldn't a mother/father stop these actions to keep the children from having more pain? Shouldn't the BS stop and find different ways?

I'm just trying to understand so I can help my niece and nephew. That's all.

first of all, it is up to the parents to protect your niece and nephew...not you.
second...parents do not need to act in any fashion that exposes the children to the ugliness of the affair. Children should be told the truth...even if that truth means mommy is sleeping around...the truth is better for the kids than lies. Obviously you should always do your best to protect the children...but that is not always possible as a WS does their very best job when ripping apart families and lives.

It's better for the children to know why their parents are breaking up instead of wondering if it is there fault. Sometimes the kids chose sides and they shouldn't blame their father for their parents' split up when their father might be doing everything in his power to keep his family together. The act of divorce is harmful to the children, not the truth.

You don't need to expose to your kids right now.

I would say they may not be ready to hear it and if you do decide to reconcile it could cause problems.

If this continues down the road to a divorce then you can let your kids know simply that mom and dad got a divorce because mom wanted to date other men.

She had a boyfriend and you didn't want to stay married to her and mom wouldn't break up with her boyfriend.

You were willing to forgive and reconcile but mom chose to be with her boyfriend and not you.

It has nothing to do with the kids just mom made a decesion and that is that.

If they need to know more you can say "ask your mom" that is all I feel comfortable telling you.

All

Thanks for your all of your advice. It helps to know that there are others out there who have shared the same experience, feelings and pain. Most of all, it helps to know that there are others who care. I have always been a very private person, especially when it comes to my feelings.

I meet with an attorney today. However, my plan is to give our relationship another chance. I will ask for NC. I will not demand it. If she does not agree to NC then I will file - no threats or demands, I'll "just do it".

Although I have started exposure, it doesn't feel "right". It feels as if I am trying to get "back" at my WW for the A. I understand the principle but it feels so "wrong". I am also going to expose the A to our small group at church. This will send my wife into orbit. Not sure if I should tell her ahead of time or "just do it".

I am not going to tell the kids unless I have to go to plan B. I will simply let them know "mommy has a boyfriend" and that that is not allowable in a marriage. Thanks for those words.

I struggle with what is my ego or pride tallking, common sense and doing what is right for the children. The children are the most important thing in this situation. I also struggle with the anger and resentment toward my WW.
Right now I can't forgive her, although I know I must. I want to be as far away from my WW as possible. The pain is devastating. It cuts so much deeper the second time around. I know all of you know this. However, I also want what is best for my kids. That is the ultimate priority.

I am a Christian. I believe in the power of prayer and our forgiving and gracious Father. Please pray for our family. Pray that God gives me the courage and knowledge to make the best choices for my family. Pray that I can forgive my wife. I know that he already has. Pray for my kids, those innocent ones who will be hurt most by all of this.

Iam,

I'm sorry. I know that this is your second go round. The only thing I can offer you is that I truly believe in the exposure. and NC. The NC will not occur without the exposure. The exposure is humiliating to the liar. It destroys the image they want others to have of themselves and reveals them as they are. You are not the one hurting your children. WW is, these are her behaviors and actions.

Do not warn you WW of any exposure you are going to do. It just allows her to come up with others lies to tell the same people so that they won't believe you!!

If the OW's BS had told me about the A, it would have ended one year earlier. One year!! He would not have been at the hospital to support the OW when the OC was born. He wouldn't have spent another 365 days trying to help her because he had gotten into the mess. Expose to everyone who can be influential in stopping the affair. You aren't really protecting your children if they are already aware of the discord and pain (we can't hide it). They just make up their own reasons for it (usually something to do with themselves). Be honest and simple with your children, they deal better with the truth, don't help her lie to them. They are affected as you are and need to learn that this is not acceptable behavior and cannot be tolerated. They need to learn what the appropriate boundaries are as well.

Best Wishes and prayers

FTS

IamSLICC - i am sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i'm going thru this for the second time as well and i will pray for you and your family.

most of the posts about exposure talk about good it was and how not to mention it ahead of time. it's not like a threat. i think the people at church should know so they can pray for her. if she is walking outside of God's will, then she needs prayer for protection. i wish we had talked about it more with people at church when my ww's affair happened. as the bs, i was more relunctant to talk about it out of embarassment but it would have been good in hindsight.

Slicc:

Your so prepared to file for Divorce, but unprepared to tell people what your WW is doing?

????

You can file, and that starts a process that has an end point.

But it will always be spun that you "filed" and you "wanted this"

So.

We recommend here, that if you want to SAVE your M, you let the Wayward one file the Plan D papers and you delay the process as long as possible.

You can also decide to "stop the madness" and end the M. And make no attempts to save it. That's ok to.

It's called making a choice. The two extremes are listed above.

1. Do the exposure. Sure it "feels wrong", and you are exposing some dirty laundry per se, but her A has thrived in its secrecy. Mine didn't survive a DAY past exposure.

2. Plan A your butt off.

3. Monitor all forms of communication that WW may use to contact OM.

4. You KNOW what she doing, you do not need to tell her what she already knows.

5. When NC is in place, you will KNOW. WW will at her most venomous at that time.

6. Start planning for plan B and the future without her. And become a better person and father during that time.

LG

SLICC-

OK...so explain something to me please?

How is going to your friends and family, and her friends and family, and asking them to help you save your marriage "getting back" at your wife?

The message you should be giving them is simple.


How is THAT message "getting back" at her?

That IS the kind of message you should be conveying in your exposure, btw.

Hummm. More good advice. I am starting to see the light.

Complete Exposure

No contact

Plan A, Plan A - I did it for two years, I can survive another month or two.

Exposure is ruinuous to affairs

Even if it fails to save your marriage it MAY just facilitate an end...someday...to their illicit and immoral relationship.

The sooner OM is away from your kids (and if you divorce they will be if they are not already)...the better

Mr. W

Exposure is key, whether you do it as revenge or not, it's essential. Some people here enjoy it, and wish to bathe in the blood of the infidels (so to speak). Others hate doing it and despise it. They all end up realizing it is very effective to damaging an affair.

You talk about no contact and exposure, but keep in mind that your wife will likely not agree to no contact for a while now. Especially after you expose. Plan A and exposure should be your focus at this time, and the 'request' for no contact is obviously important. Just keep in mind that we rarely see a WS end the contact that quickly.

Good luck.

IAS,

You have gotten a lot of great advice here.

If your intent is to harm or get back at your WW with exposure then maybe I could see your feeling.

If your intent is to break up an adulterous relationship so you can attempt a recovery in your M then I would suggest exposure.

I think the main thing is when people are allowed to sneak around without others KNOWING what they are doing there is less of a stigma.

Once people know they can't act like just friends.

Then the little secret world they created starts falling apart.

Then maybe some of the warts of the OP start to show because there is actually now "real world Stress" involved.

Just gather the list of people that should know. Her parents, her friends, her work if it is work related and let them know.

I am trying to save my marriage but my wife is sleeping with.... and then let the stuff hit the fam.

Saw an attorney yesterday. D not an option.

WW agreed to NC but there may be a reversal.

I discussed with my WW that I had talked to MY sister about our situation. I only exposed her A to those close friends and family that would be supportive to both of us and that would not be judgmental. I believed they would be supportive in helping us make our marriage succeed. My wife went NUTS. I expected this - blamed me for wanted others to "hate" her and "judge" her. That quickly ended the discussion.

Probably lost the NC agreement right there but ya' know what? It felt good to be "in control" of the situation for once. I now understand her selfish, self centered attitude.

I have already received words of support from those that I exposed the relationship. THe support is for our entire family and non-judgmental. I shared those with my wife via email today but I am sure I am just adding fuel to the fire right now...


"If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly." - Ephesians 4:26

"Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Try always to be led along together by the Holy Spirit, and so be at peace with one another." – Ephesians 4:2-3

We warned you that she'd be furious. This is all standard WS script.

The truth is, she's hurt and angry because her little secret is out...her affair is now at risk because its not being kept quiet where it can thrive.

Yes, she's afraid others will judge her. She KNOWS what she's doing is wrong, and so she's angry for having to face others that know she's doing something wrong.

Don't let it phase you. Don't let it stop you either.

Tell your wayward wife that you're doing it so that they can help her make the right choices...and not to hurt your wife. She won't agree with you, but eventually that message tends to sink in.

This is generally why we recommend that you do all of your exposure in one big swoop. Figure out who you want to expose to, do it all at once, let the WS get upset once and let it blow over. If you expose in little bits and pieces here and there, then the WS will be under constant threat and your plan A will be overshadowed.

I was completely honest with my WW about the exosure. I discussed with my sister, my best friend and three couples that we are very close with. All who I believe will be supportive of both of us and be positive about saving our marriage.

My WW slept in another room last night. First time in over twenty years of marriage. She is completely ignoring me. Yes, I expected it, yes, I know she is being selfish. However, now the kids know that something is "wrong" and are hurting. (The kids don't know about tha A) This really ticks me off. I am staying as calm, rational and reasonable as possible. I keep thinking Plan A, Plan A. Respect her, love her and give her her space while she calms down. But I have been on the giving end and been the "understanding" one for three years now.

Am I sacrificing my self respect? Have I now placed my children in an openly "Hostile" environment? I feel like I have placed her back in "control" of the situation. I hate that.

I guess I am just venting...this is just really tiresome. No sleep, can't eat, can't focus.

I would probably just go ahead and file for D if it wasn't for our state's "no fault" D law. According to my attorney, due state laws, his experience and our work situation - I work out of town, my wife works in town (her work is very near our home and school and has flexible hours) and my mother-in-law provides for child care - she will probably get the kids, childs support (no issue), alimony (big issue), the house and her boyfriend. Urrrrrgh!!

Sorry guys, I am just venting.

Iam,
YOU have not place your children in a hostile envirnoment, your wife did!!!!

Did you expose on the other side, to people who have influence over him, is he married, does his work expect him to behave with morals? the exposure is not just to those who know your wife but also the other side to work from his shame and guilt as well. His parents or siblings who would not want him to destroy a marriage and lives of your children?
Some of your children are old enough to make decisions on who they would want to live with. After they discover that their mother is selfish and concerned more about her own wants than her childrens needs, they might not want to be forced to live with the one who betrayed them and their dad. Don't be negative about the custody issue if it ever comes to that. Make her the one to file and leave, do not financially support her in her affair.

You know this stuff, you just need to keep reminding yourself of it. Her comments are not based in reality, and attorney's don't really know everything.

Best wishes

FTS

Family Court law focuses on "the best interest of the children". I can understand why your attorney told you what he did about the custody issues. He probably said she'd get the house because the Court would want the children to remain in their home if possible and the house would go to whomever was awarded custodial possession of the children.

HOWEVER, this does not mean that you cannot challenge this. Start documenting everything (for custody) and keep it in a safe place. Document her comings and goings, the care of the children, financial matters. Your state may be a "no-fault" state but that doesn't always apply when it comes to custody issues. Do not let your wife know that you are documenting anything.

I agree with everyone else, exposure is key. You need to get agressive in the fight for your marriage. You can do that and still Plan A. Didn't the armies in the Bible prepare for battle? You should do the same.