Hey everyone,

I am new on here, but I think that seeking advice from people who do not know me or my husband may be the best thing for me. My husband and I have been together 6 years. We have split up several times (I am the one to always leave), but always end up back together. We have several issues that never seem to be corrected. He has a problem with my relationship with my family, and the fact that I have left him several times. I have a problem with his mean comments and controlling personality. However, I know he loves me and I love him. I just cannot compromise on the issues of my children, even if they are grown. He drinks daily, and most of the time, you would never know it. On occassion, he is noticably 'over the limit', but honestly, that does not happen often. Right now, we are separated. We have talked quite a bit and went to mediation to solve our property issues. In mediation, we realized that neither of us really wants to divorce, but we recognize that we have issues that need to be corrected. He has been seeing other women, and I told him that I could not work on our marriage while he was with other women. He said that he would stop, but I just found out that he was with someone yesterday. Is it worth it to try to work on this, or should I cut my losses?

Do you want to work on it? That's the first question to answer. If you do, start with the links on the side.I'd start with the Basic Concepts and Most important emotional needs. Also, the Policy of Joint Agreement. Then, post at General Questions where there is more traffic.

This is just my opinion but,it sounds like you put your kids before your H. Without knowing what their issues are, it seems out of balance that you would choose your grown kids' issues over your H.

When you post over in General Questions-that might help to know so others could give you their insights.

Thanks for your reply. I do want to work on it. We had decided to seek counseling just last Thursday, then on Sunday, he was with someone else again. I don't think I put my grown children's issues before my H's, he just doesn't think I should do anything for them. For instance, he thinks that when my oldest son moved into his new house and I helped, that I was going beyond what I should do, even when I volunteered to help. I have been reading all of the info on this website, and I certainly am seeing a lot that we both can do. But, I just talked to him and he believes that I should be more patient with him. I just don't know if I can stand by while he continues to see OW.

Do you really believe that he thinks you shouldn't do anything for them? Maybe he does, but I think it could also be that he overreacts due to his own insecurity. I know that I felt my exwife put her family and our children ahead of me, and I reacted to situations badly sometimes due to those feelings rather than because of the actual event taking place. I don't know you or your husband, but it may be something to think about.

In some ways, I do put my family before my H. I know I need to work on that. But, my H feels that because my grown children call me for advice, then I am encouraging them to depend on me. I don't feel that way. Then there are my mother and sister. They really don't like him at all, so it is always hard. I love them all, I just don't know how to handle it. I always feel like I am the one in the middle being pulled back and forth, and that I have to keep the peace!

This issue was always one of the sore spots in my marriage. I have always felt that once you are married then you're loyalty should always be to your spouse first. My family knew better than to try to come between my wife and me because there was no doubt whose side I would be on. My wife on the other hand let her father undermind me in a lot of ways. It doesn't have to be anything major, but I could tell that she didn't have the same commitment to standing up for me that I did for her. I resented her father for it and I resented her for it. It drove a wedge between us. Your situation may be completely different, but my point is that the resentment and anger that your husband exhibits when you help your kids may not be caused by the situation at all. If he felt that he was number one in your life, he may not have a problem at all with the help you give your kids (or he may. I'm just trying to offer some alternatives for you to consider). I don't know exactly how you show him that he is number one. I can tell you some things that would absolutely set me off. When we are talking and her family (or anyone) calls and she takes the call and talks to them. Now I have no problem with her talking to her family, but it would have made such a huge difference if she had simply said, "Hey, I'm talking to my husband right now. Can I call you back in a little while?". Those types of things let me know that I am her priority (maybe a little egocentric, but us guys tend to have egos).

If you feel like you are being pulled both ways then he probably feels like you are too.

B.I.B.L.E.
Basic Instructions Before Leaving the Earth

These instructions clearly point out the order in which the relationships go. In essence, seek first the kingdom of God...and theeeeen everything else will fall into place. Husband first (after God) ...and then the rest.
1)Pick up a book called Divorcebusters by Michelle W.
2) www.lightyourfire.com
3) www.rejoiceministries.org

**EACH night as you lay down to sleep, u and husband must neal by the bedside and say your prayers...and in doing so, ask God to help you both to be the kind of spouses that you're supposed to be to each other and in his name.

As for the family thing....they aren't going anywhere. They'll always be by yourside.....so putting them secondary to your marriage isn't something that you need to work on. The time is now...so just do it. Even if they don't say it, they'll know and understand what you are trying o do...and will respect it also.

Changed,

I really appreciate your point. After reading your comment, I can see where my H could think that I put everyone else in front of him. He has been trying to tell me this for a long time, but then my family members say he is controlling and inconsiderate of my feelings. Don't get me wrong, he is not perfect, but I can certainly make some changes. Thanks again!

Hi YoYo,

Welcome to MB, sorry it seems like you are being bounced from one board to another. I see the Divorcing/Divorced board suggested GQII, but the GQII board suggested EN (Emotional Needs). I frequent the EN board, and I promise that we won't send you elsewhere! If what you are wanting is advice on saving this M, and if there are no As, then EN is probably where you want to be.

It doesn't get quite as much traffic as GQII but if there are no As to deal with, EN might be better. Try posting there, and include a link to your other two threads. Also, traffic is a bit slow over weekends, but it will pick up.

I will also cut-and-paste this on your GQII thread.

I will look for you over on EN.