O.k. so I do the tape recorder thing. Hear his end of the conversation, hear enough to confirm my (God, I am going to puke) suspicions....

I totally agree with telling others about the A. (By the way, the hi-priced counselor ADAMANTLY disagrees with telling anyone....)

Do I really tell his boss? His co-workers?

He is definately having (or had) the A during the day (on the companys time)

I bave already told 2 of my siblings (for emotional support for me...we are very close, and I trust them implicitly)They have not breathed a word to anyone (well, their spouses, but I am close withe them to)

ADVICE ON HOW I PROCEED...I HAVE READ ALL THE STUFF, JUST NEED RE-ASSURANCE.

THANKS EVERYBODY, AND A BIG HUG TO ALL WHO ARE BEING DESTROYED BY THIS!

Hello sledbabe

I have enormous sympathy for you as I know exactly what it is like to have your worst fears confirmed. A big hug to you too.

{{{{sledbabe}}}}

I haven't studied them closely but from your other threads it seemed like you were intent on ending your relationship with your WH. Is that true? If so then exposure is really just revenge and not part of a plan to rebuild your marriage.

You say you have 'read all the stuff' but you might find this thread useful.

If you do decide to expose then it would be wise to make sure you are fully and properly prepared before unleashing this the most powerful tool in your arsenal for breaking up the affair. You only have one shot with it. If you don't use it correctly, it's effect will be diminished. The idea is to make it all happen very quickly when they both least expect it and have no opportunity to mitigate the impact of your exposure. Commonly referred to hear as a 'tsunami of truth'. In short don't rush into it and make sure you've done your homework beforehand so you know what you are going to say and how so you come across in the right way.

I also recommend that you prepare yourself for a vicious backlash from your WS. It will be more brutal than you can ever imagine and it is very challenging to act calmly when faced with it.

Make sure that you are doing this as a single step in a highly developed Plan A/Plan B. I didn't and with the benefit of hindsight, I really wish that I had done.


That's up to you but remember the principle is that you are trying to put pressure on the OP as much as you are on your WH. If the OP is married, has a long term partner or living parents, exposure to them would be more effective. Did your recording reveal the identity of the OP? Do you know anything about her? If not, I would hold back until you can find out more. No mattter how tempting, going off half-cocked will ultimately make this action less effective.

Good luck

I am not sure, from day to day WHAT I WANT.
Like most folks, I want this to be over.

To answer your questions:

Roughly 2 or so yrs ago, when I had my "suspicions" I alternated b-tween being stong, pulling back, not being emotional and making our home an inviting place...and crying, begging, pleading and reaching out to my H in an effort to resolve our issues.

I actually told him at that time he wasn't meeting my emotional needs (and I had not read anything about that, or had found this site).

If I truely wanted (then) to get D,I would have.

I am pissed because we have discussed this issue, at great length, throughout our marriage.And HE is the one who made the declarations about radical honesty, nipping a possible A in the bud...

I just put the recorder in his truck last night, with the voice activation on. he has been (oddly enough) WATCHING me...and paying more attention than ever to what I do, etc.
He is very guarded, and I believe it is a result of my pulling back (because I am the opposite of that personality, I am very outgoing, and very communicative).

So when the 180 list says that is essential behaviour for me, they were right on.

It's hard. He is or was, my best friend too. I need to be loved and given affection right now, and I don't really want it from him. I can't stomach being physical with him. Literally...the thought makes me physically sick.

I want to get out of this limbo I am in.He is showing all the signs of a guilty, repenetant, WS.

That is not enough for me. It was a year ago...now it isn't.

I actually told him that our marriage could "probubly" survive an A.

I lived in this fantasy world for quite a time where I dismissed the signs, the behaiour, because I was AFRAID.

I am still afraid, but my fear is I stay in a marriage that has been un-fulfilling for me. My fear is I will get the carrot pulled away from me, as he has, so many times, and get sucked into a false feeling of contentment...only to be duped.

My biggest mistake, was vacillating, retreating emotionally, allowing him to have control over the relationship like he has pretty much from day one.

I want to be a partner. I want my needs to be as important as his. I did not start out being a lesser human than he...but over time, I have been worn down, and have lost a considerable amount of self esteem.

I take full responsibility for being a doormat. But that in no way justifies what he has been doing to our M.

In my heart, I want so badly to chalk up the last few years to his getting older, his depression, his job stress (he only admitted very recently that HE has had a hand in our marital problems) I told myself that over and over.

My eyes are open now....I am disgusted it took me so long to garner some courage.

What do I hope to hear from the tape recording of him? Hopefully just the usual blat and work chit chat.

Will I possibly hear something worse? Possibly. I have never doubted that he loves and needs me. He tells me that frequently. My daughter will disown him if she is told by me he had/is having an A. We have a 3 1/2 yr old grandson he adores...I believe he is petrified that that relationship will be damaged, possibly 4-ever.

I had a long discussion with one of my workers last night. He ia about my age, is on his 3rd marriage. His first, she was a drug addict. The second, she was a psycho (I can attest to that) and they BOTH cheated.He is re-married, but he said he has "thought".

To hear it from him, a mans' perspective on the subject, this is what he told me.

He said, "generally" all men are restless. At pretty much anytine in a realtionship, they are "driven" by sex. Or, think about it. He said especially a "midlife" aged guy is very prone to thoughts of cheating.

He said most of the time it hasn't all that much to do with their wifes' looks, how clean the house is , or even the quality or frequency of sex.

He said at this time in midlife, men are re-examing their accomplishments or lack there of. What con-tradicts the info on this site, and Dr. Hanley, is that (in his estimation) there isn't much a woman can do to prevent their H from cheating, if that is what the H wants to do.

And, he found it amusing that a therapist/author/ would THINK that a guy in the "throes" of midlife would actually come out and tell his SO that he has those feelings.

The WS (in this case, he says)is excited about the "encounter". The excitement lasts, as long as the orgasm..then, I am told, the guilt sets in.

And, 3 hrs later, the WS comes out of that state, and realizes what they have done. So for 3 or 4 days, they try to make for their betrayal. They help out more, offer to rub your back (this one for me was a big sign cause my H never wants to do that for me) and then, they start to miss their A, miss the "feeling" the A gives them..and they go back to their OP to fulfill that desire, and then the guilt sets in, here we go again.

After HEARING this from this fella I work with, from his lips, it describes almost to a T my M for the last 3 yrs.

I apologize for the length of this post. I may not be able to listen to the tape recording until tomorrow (we have a dinner date this eve., and the only time I can put the recorder back in his vehicle is when he is in the shower) ...

I will hopefully get some type of information at least about what he is doing during the day. The man literally drives about 200 miles some days. And is talking on his cell for most of it.

Again, love, hugs and strength, prayers to us all.

I am listening to the recording right now...just one somewhat derogatory reference to me to a co-worker.

Hi sledbabe,

I think I misunderstood your original postings. If I understand correctly, you don't have proof yet? Your replies also indicate that you are very upset and confused. Even if these recordings yield proof of your suspicions, hold fire on them until you have a clear plan.

Learn from my mistake and try to have a plan that you are going to execute CALMLY without any LBs. Don't rush into it no matter how hard your wounded emotions tempt you.

As I said earlier, exposure is one part of your plan but is most effective when it includes the OP's side.

I think that your colleague is well intentioned but wrong. Harley has infinitely more experience than him on what makes relationships work and not work. I'd trust what you read here more.

Yes, expose to his work. However, write up a letter ahead of time that states that you are exposing on that advice of your marriage counselor (Dr. Harley) because you want to fight for your husband and your marriage. Give them some detail and let them know it is going on company time and ask them what they intend to do about it. Also, give it to multiple people, so one person can't just ignore the letter.

I would definitely expose to everyone that would be in a position to put pressure on your WH to end the affair including OW's family.

Thank you mindw and jm

I was able to listen the the roughly 2 hrs of recording.

No mention or evidence of any PA or EA. I will record a few more days and see what I hear.
My conclusion is that whatever type of foray he had into an A was past tense. After I had my bad crash 3 + yrs ago, I then lost my Grandmother (who raised me) and became a grandparent myself.

Needless to say, after spending months laid up in bed, then going through so much turmoil, I believe my H found solace in someone elses arms, so to speak.

Shame on me for not addressing WHAT I SAW WAY BACK THEN. I was very broken, emotionally, and physically.

I did not have the strength to face what was going on at the time.

IMHO, the decision I need to make NOW is this:

EITHER KEEP MY SELF TORMENTED BY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST OR

START FROM HERE, AND GO ON. (MY plan).

After spending a few days reading so many posts on here, I garner that I am one of the more fortunate people.

He loves me, and needs me, and o.k. he is walking around with a guilty conscience and all...but I am the one he wants and needs.

I actually met him for lucnh, and we (ahem...:) well lets say I brought the "dessert" LOL.

Sometimes it feels "wrong" to be so loving, patient, understanding. Someone has to. I chalk it up to: sometimes you have to lose to win.

My prayer? That I only come to this board to provide support for someone else, who is broken-hearted.

God bless all and thank you.

That will have to be enough right now

I agree that you should expose at his place of employment.
This is very unprofessional behavior! Also, at some point either your WH or the OP will have to quit working there in order for NC (no contact) to work. If you expose to their boss and coworkers, one of them having to go find work elsewhere might get taken care of a lot faster!

I also agree that you should try to find out who the OW is and expose to her boyfirend or husband (if she has one), family, friends, etc.

Hope this helps:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Thanks so so much. It is nice to be able to type some thoughts and problems on here, and get feedback.

I have been seeing a counselor for a few months...she had some issues with the advice on this site....

But after reading so many other peoples pain and humiliation, I truely believe unless you've walked in these shoes like most of us on here, even if you have a degree in psy or therapy, I don't see how you can really relate.

My H is still in a fog from day to day.

My big mistake is not addressing what I saw happening to my M when it was happening.

But I was all busted up from my accident, I couldn't even bathe myself for 2 mos..Couldn't drive. yes, I became depressed and whiney. (And most of my life I was anything but)

Man if my H and I can get past this, we will have such a strong marriage. He asked me if I wanted him to go to counseling...I told him to go without me. And frankly, I am not carrying the water for him anymore.

Yes, I said, I believe he will benefit from counseling. But I absolutely will not do the work for him. I have always made things "easy" for him: I am not contributing to our co-dependent relationship anymore.

I gave him the approved list from his insurance co....he can do the rest.

That was 6 mos ago. If I have to ask, or plead, for one more thing from this man I will implode. He, as you may have surmised, not made an appointment. Because, I have the problem. Not him.

Yesterday he went to an outing with some co-workers...fancy trip, fancy meal, met some hollywood actresses, and made me feel like an ugly piece of crap.

He just has to rub it in....always makes comments about how he gets hit on, and looked at, and blah blah blah...

Not for nothin' I have been in better physical shape than he for most of our relationship...And I absolutely never, even subconsciously, did ANYTHING that would maker him jealous.

I don't even wear make-up, I work in construction, wear workboots and t-shirts and grubby jeans.

I am sorry this got long.

"And I absolutely never, even subconsciously, did ANYTHING that would maker him jealous."

I think this was one of the mistakes I made. OK, I don't work in construction, and I do sometimes dress up and wear make-up (but nothing like the OW office floozies)... but I don't think WH ever felt he had to worry about being jealous of me. It's not like men weren't interested in me, but they weren't interested in me the way they would be if I dressed like the office floozies. I think my WH assumed the only reason I wasn't fooling around is because 'no man would want' me (he actually told me that).

And in my case WH has a sister who is basically a sl*t, brags about sleeping with married men, had the goal of trying to sleep with every boy on her high school football team, but WH can't bring himself to admit that she is a sl*t. So if he thinks she's normal then by comparison I'm practically a nun LOL.

Anyway, I don't think MB endorses trying to make the WS jealous but I wonder if maybe trying to make the WH jealous would be effective in some cases? It certainly would be a 180!

Jealous---I think its can work for you or against you. Jealouscy can make WS forget about the OP and start being concern with you....its like "hold on, I dont want my S to have an alternative...because I'm already in the whole by having an affair...that's 1 against me, and if some OP is trying to get with my S then that's also 1 pulling away from me. I'm not ready to lose my S incase I decide to come back home, no matter how many months and years that may be."

Where it can work against you "OOOOO so found yourself another huh, not missing me huh, You know what, this is why iI cheated in the first place, you dont love me blah blah bblah blah yadayadaydacry cry cry cry....

Be careful.