Hi Everyone!

First, just wanted to let everyone know that I am doing pretty well. Finished my degree (finally) in the midst of all of this turmoil. Struggling financially at the moment, but keeping my head above water. Really enjoying time alone with my daughter. Trying to be civil with STBXW, although, she seems to find ways to get to me from time to time. Still trying to adjust to being alone half the time and start being independent, while having my DD the other half of the time. I know that I will find the balance. Have gone on a couple of very low key dates. Not ready for it really, but it was nice to enjoy some opposite sex companionship. The interesting thing about that is the fact that it really does open your eyes to the fact that there are people out there that find you attractive & interesting, and that you really might be more compaitble with someone other than your ex. I know, I know...I am taking it slow.

Well, hence the title of the post...here's my question. Have been able to monitor stbx's activity, and while I should probably give that up for my own sanity, the behavior is so outrageous that I feel like I need to watch in order to make sure that DD is safe. Without getting into detail...she's basically doing anything...young / old, multiple people simultaneously..you name it, it's happening. Agenda is packed on free days with nothing but it. So, I know, and you know, that this is not what one would consider normal behavior. In fact, this is pretty opposite behavior of our M. So, I'm wondering...is this just a reaction to the stress of the D? Is this some kind of depression / mental illness thing happening? Ever hear of anything like this? Hormonal Imbalance? Quite honestly, this really really seems to have been the driving force behind our D...the compulsion to do this.

Any ideas, advice? Should I just forget it and move on?

Has she always been uninhibited with you or is this something new for her? It sounds like SF is high on her list of ENs. It's unfortunate if she is being less than particular with whom she has sex with.

I would be concerned if her behavior overlaps her time with your DD. If she is doing "it" on her own time, I guess it's her time to do as she pleases.

I would not forget it and move on. Make sure your DD is not being exposed to this type of behavior.

No, this something pretty new for her. Prior to our separation, she became very uninhibited with me....right up to the day she moved out. Was like I was in bed with an entirely new person. At the time, I thought that I was filling an EN for her, but in hindsight, it seems like it maybe just her practicing.

"the behavior is so outrageous that I feel like I need to watch in order to make sure that DD is safe. Without getting into detail...she's basically doing anything...young / old, multiple people simultaneously..you name it, it's happening. Agenda is packed on free days with nothing but it."

How do you know this????????

...and yes, give it up...it will only drive you insane

My mom got pretty 'adventurous' when she and my father divorced. Years later my father told me that lack of SF was one of the reasons why he cheated (not sure it was appropriate for him to tell me this - but I was an adult when he told me).

My mother dated many men, went to singles bars, divorce groups (ie hookup groups)... Many mornings I met a new man in the kitchen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sucked for me - I lived in a small town and people talked. My mother's alcoholism went into full bloom during that time also, so I'm sure both "addictions" were fed by each other. I can't count how many men she went with - she had one long-term relationship and I became very attached to the man, but he drank in excess too, and once my mother decided to get sober, he was out of the picture. That was hard.

I can't explain why your STBX may be behaving this way - but my mother was the BS, and I think in some ways it filled the void left by the rejection she felt by my father. If all those men "wanted" her, it helped her feel better about herself.

In actual fact I think the opposite happened.

I'm proud to say she's got over 25 years of sobriety now. She remarried at 53, became a widow at 58 (he was an older man but he was a wonderful stepdad and grandfather to my kids while he was with us) and for the last couple of years she has been involved with another widower, whom she had known for several years - she knew his late wife too - they all vacationed in the same place each winter. When mom remarried she didn't vacation for 7 years and by the time she returned, her now-companion's wife had passed in those 7 years. I think they probably grieved a bit together, then ended up as a couple and they are both very happy now.

Sorry - I'm rambling - but I have seen people go a bit "wacky" when they first leave a marriage, and do all kinds of things that they wouldn't normally do. I think it's one (inappropriate) way that some people process grief. Unfortunatley it usually causes even more grief - but some people need to learn that the hard way.

JinGA

I know that I went a little bit too far too. It helps to know that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Reading about your mom, Jinga, helps me realized that I was trying to fill the horrible void left by my XHs affair. I'm now on the right track and looking for a truly emotionally fulfilling relationship again.

Loni

HG, I thought I had posted. Obviously, this isn't healthy behavior in your STBX wife. However, unless it starts affecting your daughter, there is little you can do about it.

Thanks for the replies. Well..in my case, it is a bit strange as I was the person fighting for the M to work. She was certainly not a BS in any way. Think I mentioned that prior to her moving out, our "alone" time escalated greatly, and it was like being with a totally different person. So that's where I'm wondering if this is some kind of driving force for her on some odd level. Don't get me wrong, we had legitimate issues in our marriage, but they were not insurmountable.

I can understand trying to fill a void, coping with grief, etc. I think it's probably natural to go through this situation and find yourself doing things that you wouldn't normally have considered.

Well I went into a crappy post-M relationship too. I wasn't promiscuous - but I did enter a relationship I knew was doomed from the start - and I didn't care, I did it anyway. I suppose the mindset is similar... somebody was there to fill the void and I let him. It's all out of my system now - I'm on my own, I do want to reconcile with my XH but he's in the tail end of a similar dead-end relationship... I don't know if reconciliation will ever happen or not - but if it doesn't I am fine on my own for now, not looking for anything else.

I have to fill my own void. I think that's the key to happiness right there - then if somebody else chooses to journey through life with you, and you with them, that's gravy.

JinGA

Thanks Jin. I have followed your thread(s), and I do have to agree with you that you do have to fill that void on your own. I'm really trying hard to that, and be as well adjusted as I can possibly be right now. The more I watch the path she has chosen the more determined I become to work on positive changes in my life and lifestyle.

This is rampant promiscuity though. I don't know that I have ever witnessed anything like it at all. I mean..there is a difference between wanting to have a few partners and doing somebody new on a daily basis...isn't there?

I too am in a similar situation. My wife's best friend and my sister who has been a great friend to my wife, both told me of crazy horror stories of my wife a several guys over the last several years of our marriage. Everything from one-night club guys, to extended affairs lasting months.
We are currently seperating but I will still be able to check on her because I have access to her cell phone calls via our internet billing and she will be moving right down the street. Like you, I'm not sure if this is right. I would still like the chance to get back together (I think). And I surely want to make sure that my kids are not introduced to an inappropriate lifestyle. I wish I had more...

HG...

Let it go. I know in my case, I checked up on my WW well before she moved out. My intervention played a key role in ending one of her affairs, but it didn't change her heart, so there was no actual improvement. At most it slowed things down by a few months.

My suspicion is that if you want to be able to have a cordial relationship with your stbx in the future for your DD's sake, then you don't need to worry about what she does on her time. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying you don't need to injest it. You know all that you need to know. She's not faithful, and she's not showing any real remorse, and she's not reaching out for help.

Your job is to be you. My attitude (that I am usually able to live by) is that my integrity does not depend on anyone else's behavior.

I hope this helps.

God bless you.