Hi everyone....

If you felt your spouse was genuinely remorseful for their infidelity, could you please tell me how they acted to show you that they were truly remorseful?

Can you please tell me what true remorse looks like?

Did they cry? (Wondering how many men have cried.)

What actions did they take to make amends?

Thanks....

mopey, I would imagine it looks different for every person. In my H's case, I knew it was genuine because he was sincere. I think most folks can tell when their spouse is being phony and when they are not.

What's that song by Cher? "It's in His Kiss". No seriously, I agree with ML, it does look different for everyone. In my case, I knew it was genuine because he was and is willing to be accountable in every way (after the fog lifted completely). He can't lie now. He couldn't lie then either but boy did he try.

mopey,

My H was completely broken.

In spirit
In emotion
Physically
Mentally

He cried, and could barely talk to me. He could not speak for awhile, sobbing. He couldn't even look at me for the shame.

His words, once he was able to talk to me, told me that he understood the depth of his devastation to the marriage.

He used the term "nuclear" to describe what he had done.


And he began to do things daily, all the time, that showed me that he was remorseful. He told me, yes, but it was in his actions that really gave me security that he was remorseful.

He called me all the time, when before he never did that.

He brought me flowers for no reason, and still does, although I never asked for that - and he has never done that before.

He helps me do things now that he never would have done before, like carry in the groceries and insist I not do it at all, or get up at night and let the dog out.

He meets me at the car with an umbrella when it's raining so I don't get wet in the walk from the barn to the house.

He goes out of his way not to look at other women when we go out. This is a HUGE change; before, he always made it known that he was girl-watching, even commenting on the looks/bodies of other women which was a LB for me that he immediately changed after this affair.

He does not meet with clients at our home, ever, anymore, unless I am there. Male or female.

He is willing to account for anything, time-email-phone, at any time.

He patiently answers my questions truthfully, no matter how many times I have to ask them.

He shows me a change in behavior that has not wavered since d-day.

When he "broke", he began fixing himself, and has stood strong since then. He has cried more often since that day than ever before, and openly. He tells me he loves me, and holds me when I cry.

He understands, and knows, and cares, that he hurt me, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage cross over into the recovery zone.

No matter how hard he has to work, he hangs in there.

That's how I know he has remorse.

Schoolbus

I can't say what remorse truly looks like, but I can tell you what it doesn't look like...

When his actions don't coincide with his words, it's not true.

When he says he's sorry, but he doesn't do everything possible to make it up to you.

When he isn't truthful...he's still evasive and elusive...

Yes, mine cried as well...but his actions didn't come around to meet his words...

You will be able to feel it in your gut whether it's true or not. Trust your instincts...

I think they will show it with their actions. I would pay zero attention to what they say, or if they are "sincere". Had to laugh at that one. My ex was so "sincere" that I thought he was telling the truth, our attorney believed him, our church members believed him, and our family and friends believed him.

The same day he stood up in church asking for prayers for our marriage, he met the OW for some more sex.

He was the sincerest person I ever saw, tears and all. No, watch what he DOES.

Yep.....that's what I thought it would look like too.

I want to thank every one of you for sharing. Every post was on the money in my opinion and what I have always felt in my gut. I totally agree.

SB....your post made me cry. That’s what my picture of remorse looked like too.

I'm afraid my WH still hasn't shown the level of remorse I feel I need, and he needs, to move on.

Saw a MC today for the first time. He saw WH for the first time last week. Pretty much confirmed what the knot in my stomach as has been telling me all this time. My WH isn't serious enough about our recovery to do the work. And I am spent. It feels like rejection after rejection and my heart can't take anymore.

I think I'm going have to move on soon. It's going to take some drastic measures to pull me out of my hole now. I'm tired and spent and don't want to do anymore work on this marriage anymore. It hurts too much. WH has always done just enough to keep me hanging, but I can't do it anymore.

WH has shown a smidgen of the remorseful traits listed here but no way near anything that could heal this marriage for me.

Please pray for me. I'm scared WH will never pull me back and I'm scared I can't be pulled back.

Thanks for listening and replying.

mopey,

for years, before his affair, my husband would give me just enough attention/affection to keep me around.

Then came the nuclear bomb.

Then came seven months of "sorry, can't you just get over it?" Distant, entitled, selfish, and just plain miserable to be around.

After a three day absence (we were done), he came back, and his remorse has been pretty much of what SB has described. And yes, he has cried many, many times over this.

Mopey, don't be too surprised, if you do decide to shut your marriage down, that he does a 180 on you.

Well, your mistake is that you thought that empty TALK was the same as "sincerity," which is a foolish notion. Sincerity is expressed by talk backed up by ACTION.

As I have always said, talk is cheap.

Uh, hired a Lawyer lately? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Larry

PS Flip Wilson made me do it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> you know what they say in West Texas: money talks and bullshyt walks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Mopey, the following list is from the article: WHAT THE WS/BS MUST DO TO RECONCILE[/b]. I post it here because I think a genuinely remorseful & sincere FWS will be willing to take all the following actions to help the M and BS heal:

[color:"blue"] [b]In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your WS must do:

1. Be totally honest with you about everything
2. Answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. Do everything in his/her power to prove to you that you are the one that he/she wants to be with.
4. Prove his/her love to you...he/she must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. Feel your pain.
6. Fully understand the devastation that he/she caused you.
7. Accept full responsibility for his/her actions.
8. Stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. Reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. Reassure you that you will not drive him/her away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. Recognize when you’re struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. Be able to tell you how sorry he/she is and show you.
13. Re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. Put his/her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. Reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. Work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. Be willing to seek counseling.
18. Learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he/she must establish boundaries and not cross them.[/color]

See now that doesn't make sense?!?!? It rhymes but it don't make sense.... unless the bulls in TX make a different kind of [censored], I'd say their stuff....flows, piddles, puddles, streams and stinks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

yankees! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How can you tell it is sincere and they are not just charming their way back into your life, they say I love you before the affair, tell the OW they love them at same time, then tell you they never loved the OW and always loved you. Sincere-how can you tell? A sincere person would not have done this to begin with. I am having the BS having a bad relapse.

Mopey,
You're most recent dday was just a few weeks ago, right? It sounds like your H is still somewhat in the fog.Are you absolutely sure there has been NC? Either that or he is still somewhat in withdrawl.It took sometime, maybe 4-5 months after NC before I really saw true actions of remorse.

It takes time for them to be completely out of the fog, get rid of that blaming entitlement attitude, and actually look at,own what they have done.

Only then will they start to show true remorse. At least that's how it went with my FWH.

Mopey, I experienced more along the lines of what ritraveled got. He didn't leave, and I kept pulling the recovery cart, and there were new d-days and lots of I'm sorrys and anger and TRAUMA until I finally (I'm slow) said polygraph or I'm outta here. And I really meant it. THEN he did a 180 of sorts. I "got the whole story" but the "sick" current behavior (frustration, anger, careless behavior, disconnection to his values) is way better, but still an ongoing issue. He's really working on it, and committed to recovery, his values, and trying to stay conscious. He wants to be well, but he had to work long and hard to get this far. It's been a real hard journey for us both.

IF your H has problems like mine does, he has to do LOTS of personal work before you get to see they real man underneath the unhealthy behavior. It doesn't mean it can't be done, but you just can't compare your situation with others here. IF our Hs share this awful bond, comparing him to WSs here who are dealing with (JUST) infidelity, period really isn't going to help you. (sorry - I don't want to piss anyone off by minimizing infidelity, but I am talking addiction here. It's a different ball of wax)

If he's not suffering from SA, I'm sorry to have bohered you with this post. Good luck!

One way is to check the eyes. Another is to watch their actions. WS' must be angry. It's in their make-up. Yes, they were anger powder. LOL!!!

Time is in our side. The repentant Xws will want to come clean and stay clean. They will realize they need help and accept it. Not like it, but smart enough to know when to accept it. There maybe fallbacks. Still they will move forward.

No ILYs, but trust w/b rebuilt. All the BS and family's benefit. Yep, putting the family 1st is another sign.

L.

Mopey,

I would say that my DH also behaved in the manner that SB described.
On the 2nd day after D-day we changed his cell phone number. He became fully transparent. He started e-mailing me notes at work. I would find love letters full of remorse and plans to rebuild us and protect our family, candy, cards, and flowers in my car when I got off work. He started grocery shopping with me all the time again (I also couldn't remember half of what we needed anyways then). He holds me when I cry, He talks and cries about what he did and how it nearly destroyed us. He is proud of each day and the new behaviors (that he is the person I beleived him to be before, that he didn't believe he was). He went to IC starting the next week, every week for 5-6 months before we started going together. (I think this was a really big help for him, FOO issues and behaviors and everything). His every step is about us and COM.

SB, I like the umbrella from the barn to the house. It is a huge sign of caring to even think of it!

Hang in there Mopey and take care of yourself. Get through each day. Make plans and be active (It really helps divert your mind, help you sleep better, and you end up looking better too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We will all be here, keep coming and posting and venting. Let us help each other work through the questions as they come.

Best wishes,

FTS