I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years. About a year into our relationship, I found out that he was contacting women online and having "emotional affairs." I found out after I had done some snooping on his computer and called numbers I had found on his cell phone bill. It seemed that he had a pattern of emailing, calling, sometimes going out on a date and then ending things out of guilt (I had spoken to two of the women who confirmed this).

We attended counseling, which he only begrudgingly attended. His excuse for the cheating was that he had poor self-esteem and that he was seeking "validation" from these other women, but said that he now knew that it was wrong and destructive.

For a good two years after that, things seemed ok. However, he has always been a very secretive, guarded person, and that made me reluctant to really ever trust him fully. It also didn't help that his company transferred him to a different state shortly after I found out about the cheating. Gradually, things improved and it seemed that we were back on track. Then, when it was time get engaged, he sabataged things, cheating again. He denied it until I confronted him with proof (I had spoken to the woman). It turns out there were a few women, none of the relationships sexual, but all women were under the impression that he was single.

I broke up with him for a month, during which he got counseling. We then began counseling together, which we have been attending for 6 months. We also became engaged. Even though our therapist feels my fiance has made some major changes, I still have this gut feeling that there's something that he hasn't told me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. While he's much more open than before, he can still be guarded. Although he promised me full access to all his accounts (financial and phone), he has yet to follow through.

Am I being a sucker? Should I get out? Can this be fixed?

dis,

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but if you have done any significant reading here, you have probably seen first hand the pain that accompanies the betrayal of having a WS.

Your F isn't being open and honest with you now, he knows it and he knows that you know it. If you proceed in this relationship, he will believe that you are agreeing to enter into a marriage with someone who is and will keep secrets from you.

Trust your gut on this one, if you weren't having serious misgivings, you probably wouldn't be here.

You ask if this can be fixed. Well sure, but he is going to have to want to committ to an open and honest relationship.

IMHO, if you are interested in continuing with him, and I don't recommend it, then please get lots of pre-marital counciling with a pro-marriage counselor, like Steve or Jennifer here on MB.

Marriage is tough enough when you start out with a clean slate, and yours already has writing on it.

Who

dismayed,
, which is exactly how you will spend your M life, if you ignore the fact that your fiance is a serial cheat.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it seems to be the harsh reality, based on what you've posted.

It remains, of course, your choice, but there are a lot of fish in the sea. You deserve better than this. Your choice.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Hmmm, I thought I had posted a reply, but it doesn't seem to be here. Having computer problems. Thank you "Who" and Jerry for your reply. I've been on the fence for months now. I'm really confused about what to do, especially because in less than two weeks we'll be attending the Marriage Builders Weekend.

My father was a serial cheater and I always swore I would never stay with someone who cheated on me (looks like I'm reapeating history). Still, unlike my dad, my F is attending counseling and seems to be trying to change.

I know it sounds dumb, but I'll be 33 this weekend, and I'm afraid that I could be throwing away my relationship with my F (and my chance at marriage and kids) because of my fear, when he may have really changed this time. Yeah, with all my degrees (I'm a child psychologist), I should be smarter than this. I don't understand my behavior...it's not that I can't find anyone else. I often have guys hitting on me. I don't know why this relationship has such a grip on me. I think it's because when we are getting along and he's faithful, we click so well. It feels like he's my soulmate. Ugg....Soulmate or not, I won't be with a cheater. But what if he's changed?

Hi there Dismayed!

As a psychologist, does it surprise you to consider that people tend to enter marriages with people who are already as familiar as their own family (eg like their mother or father)?

It probably doesn't really surprise you much that you are marrying someone like your dad. On several levels, there are probably many positive qualities that your fiance shares with your dad, that ALSO seem VERY familiar and comforting. Unfortunately, cheating seems to be part of that mix!

So there it is, Dismayed ... you're smart, educated, and attractive. But you've got a five-year investment in a questionable relationship.

1) Do you want to continue doing something you dislike in the FUTURE (dealing with a wanderer), simply on the merit of having done the same thing in the PAST?

2) In your heart of hearts, why would you invest your whole life, and the life of any children you may have, with someone you FUNDAMENTALLY DO NOT TRUST?

3) "What if he's changed?" -- People are on their best behavior when they are in love and during courtship, when they are trying to impress. It will not go UPHILL from here!

All the best -- Sweet

Dismayed,

You have been given very good advice. You are actually pretty young and you should NEVER marry out of fear of losing out, or with FEAR that "the other shoe will drop". Marriage can be scary, but it should not start out that way.

I was thinking also are you willing to risk the future of your children on this man? You want children, and he would be the father. You have first hand experience with what cheating does to children and their relationship with their parents. I can see YOU taking the risk...maybe. I cannot see you risking your future children.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you Sweet and JL for your responses. I did consider how part of the attraction I feel to my F is the sense of familiarity I have with him. However, I should say that the traits that my F shares with my father are pretty much the ones that would drive me away from the relationship. That sense of familiarity alone would not have kept me in this relationship for so long. I think my F's positive traits (loving, affectionate, smart, ambitious) are what have kept me hanging on. That said, what my childhood did do was prime me to keep forgiving a wayword "spouse," which is probably the more significant impact my parents' example had on my current relationship choices.

It makes it more difficult to let go when our therapist does believe my F has made significant changes, but of course, he can't guarantee human behavior. He also said that he can't promise the fidelity of any person, so the chance I'm taking with my "reformed" F is similar to the chance I'll be taking with a new SO. However, I know that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so I feel I'd be taking less of a risk with someone new who has never demonstrated that type of behavior before. Thoughts? .

My F has agreed to show me all his financial/phone records this weekend. We'll see if he follows through.

Lastly, if I should choose to move on, how do I
1. Keep from being attracted to the same type of guy?
2. Not become totally paranoid of all men?
3. How do I prevent something like this from happening again?

This is really tearing me up. I feel like I'm in a fog. The once happy, funny, self-assured person I used to be is gone, replaced by a paranoid, teary, and depressed version.

I know some people may be wondering why I'm taking this so hard or even staying, considering that we're not married. However, we've been together longer than a lot of married couples. The fact that we're not married does not make the heartache any less. However, it does make it much easier to get out, I know.

Thank you for your responses.
Dismayed

If I were you I would make damn sure that you can trust him before you marry him. Marriage is very hard, it takes alot of hard work and commitment to spend your entire life with another person. Don't set yourself up for something that may bring you 100 times more pain than you may be feeling at this moment, at least not until you are 100 percent sure you can trust him to be faithful to you and love you for all you are worth.

you have to have trust. once its breached, its sooo hard to regain. you may forgive, but you will never forget . i agree with Sweet. wish i would have been given the advice that is given on this board, but i've been married for 22 years and there been a few 'trust' busters and the cycle seems to continue. as a matter of fact, i was going thru some old love letters/apology letters etc from over the years and he is still apologizing for the same crap that seems to happen over and over. its like he could copy one of the apology letters and give it me every couple of years. not cheating issues, but love busters galore..angry outbursts big time. but i have the same types of fears you have, i'm familiar, have a lot of history and 2 great kids(18 and 21). i dont know how to detach physically, although emotionally i'm just about dryed up. he promises to work on stuff, its good for a month maybe, then back to lb's and ao's.

enough about me, i just agree that you need to be sure you can trust before you commit to marry