Let me first preface this by saying I KNOW there is nothing I can do about this. I know that G-d is working something out in my WH as he works something out in me.

But I am still worried about him and wondered if anyone has ever experienced this before. Evidently, my WH has completely changed at work and his work ethics are going way down. He is the lead mechanic for a trucking company and people are complaining about how he has changed and not for the better.

Is this something that happens? Or is this indicative of something more serious than just an A?

Any thoughts would help me and thank you,
SG

SG,

Downhill is the only way a WS knows t/g. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sad but true.

That in itself c/b a good tool for the BS to use.

I turned that thought around and demanded the Ws be happy since we were all so miserable.

Stupid WS..... their creed says they can never do what the BS demands. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Sure distorted his face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

skinsgal...don't make me come over there and bop ya! =)

He's an addict, thats the only thing you need to diagnose.

You shouldn't be surprised. Look around at your AA meetings. Your husband belongs there. Replace the word Booze with Cheating and you have the same behaviors.

Theres nothing wrong with most of the people in those AA meetings, except an addiction.

Your husband is not special. He is a garden variety addict and stop trying to diagnose or analyze him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bramble - Ok, come bop me, trust me it would hurt less right now - because all kidding aside this is the worst pain I have ever experienced and it doesn't stop. Sure I am moving on, learning lots about myself, creating a new life with my children and without him. But I promised G-d to love him through sickness and health. I know I have to let go and let G-d work out in him what he is, but his downward spiral isn't just effecting him, it effects this whole family and its devastating. And I miss my H and love him.

I bought a book on CoDependecy No More - Trust me I have begun reading it.

One other question - he emailed me this note and I don't know how to respond. Can I get suggestions please!

Barb,
I haven't heard from you in a long time are you ok? Is it ok to come to the house and work? What is wrong with the Mercedes?


Thanks,
SG

Skinsgal - none of it makes sense. However the one constant is that all WS seem to behave in the same way.

I believe that when we get into that downward spiral, *most* of us, myself included, have to hit rock bottom before we start to come out of it. I have made some bad choices in the last few years, and I had to recognize this in myself before I fully understood it. I see my XH doing the same thing - and all I can do is take care of myself and the kids and let God do His thing with XH, just like He did with me.

He had to tear me down to just about nothing before He could build me back up again. I'm still in the "rebuild" process, but I've embraced it.

It's painful to watch the one you love taking that downward road... I know this firsthand myself. I think it's harder on the person watching, than it is on the person experiencing it at times, because the WS is in all kinds of denial about it and may not even really be aware of it, even though the people around him are. Does that make any sense to you?

Keep doing what you're doing - work on YOU. Do things for yourself and the kids - it has proven to be my sanity amid a lot of chaos, but it helps in that rebuilding process of YOU.

In loving support,

JinGA

Skins:

Have you told the people at his workplace what he is doing?

So that they might put pressure on him to get back in line?

LG

JinGa -

Unfortuntaly it makes complete sense.

G-d has certainly tore me down to nothing and I am just beginning the rebuilding. In fact, I am scared because I feel like every step forward I take moves me farther away from my true husband ever coming home. But I am doing it. I am creating a new life and memories with my kids.

Any idea how long this rock bottom might take? Has it even started?

Any words of wisdom how to answer his email?

Thanks,
SG

LG

My daughter works where he does. She has told just about everyone what he is doing. In fact, the other day some truckers were in the office complaining about how he has changed and isn't doing his job. My daughter spoke up and told them my dad was having an affair and that my mom wants him to come home.

It's the weirdest thing - no one is willing to say anything to him. They just talk about him behind his back.

I also told his aunt that he loves so much and she wrote him a letter that I have received and am taking it to his workplace today. I can only hope this touches him some how.

SG

Skinsgal I had a reply typed up and the website turfed me out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'll try to re-compose my thoughts again.. the long and short of it is that I think it differs for everyone, and those who reach out and grab their faith don't have to sink as low as those who fight God every step of the way.

I've clung to my faith in the aftermath of my own bad choices, and I think that's kept me from being totally emotionally bankrupt (and otherwise).

I haven't seen that in XH - in fact I've seen him bottom out in various ways, a number of times. I *think* I've seen him hit the worst, but while I've seen him come out of it somewhat, he's been teetering on a plateau for a long time. He won't be completely torn down and rebuilt until he chooses to be. He may not bottom out again - in fact where he is now, IMO he can be rebuilt from where he is if he accepts God's help - but that's his choice to make.

JinGA

I agree, WS just go downward and they simply don't realize it. They are so caught up in the emotions that they can't comprehend anything outside of that.

My FWH did the same, but his work never really suffered. Although he did shortcut and not follow military regs for crew rest, his "work" never suffered. His peer relationships DID. And in the military, that's almost as important. His friends and coworkers noticed that he wasn't the same person and that he wasn't around as much. He shut out everyone but OW, and he honestly thought no one could tell!!!

I have a teenage boy. His emotional rollercoaster and self-absorbency is a LOT like WS's. If you can understand the ups and downs of the teenage whirlwind of feelings, then you'll "understand" a WS. That's about the depth of an A and the equivalent of the emotions involved: only as long as it "feels" good do I love you.

JinGa and Will -

It's ok for me to still have hope? But just continue on my path and make a new life for me and my kids?

I actually have 2 teenage boys and we use to laugh about how it was all about them. I actually get what you are saying. But the pain is still so deep and dark.

Any thoughts on what how I can answer his email?

Warmly,
SG

skinsgal ~ you have to practice detachment. If you are going to meetings, you know what I am talking about.

Just because HE is choosing to spiral downward out of control does not mean you have to go with him.

You can love him without taking this journey with him.

You can't control him. Take the focus off him, put the focus on you.

When you fly, the flight attendant doesnt say, In case of emergency, help your neighbor with his oxygen bag first..

No, she says, put yours on first, and then help others.

You have GOT to put your own oxygen mask on right now.

Bramble -

Guess what book I bought last night? CoDependency No More. Guess what part I am reading about - Detachment.

Also I got an offer on the house, and I got the boys and me an apt to move into on Sept 15.

I have also lost 49 lbs as of today, so I am working on it day by day.

Yeah!

SG