HI
It has been awhile since my last post.I was married 17 years,and with ex for 19.She was a career cheater,and liar,and she left me,and our 2 teens back in 2005.She left
for om. We got div last summer.

My daughter is 20,and will be 21 in a few months,and lives with her roommate,and is finishing college.She has a great job,and is very smart.My son is 17,and is an honor student,athlete, working,and is goin to be in final year of high school.and will be going to college next year.

My ex wrote a letter to us,cause she says she has no home phone,no longer has cell phone,and does not get mail at her address with om.She wants current photos,school info,and any thing that our 2 teens are doing.Our 2 teens DO NOT want anything to do with her,and they have written to her 2 years ago to let her know,and they don't want me to send her anything.They are goin to write to her again telling her for about the 5th time.If they wanted to contac her,then they would arrange to meet,or talk with her.I believe they are old enough now to make their own decisions,and they did not forget that their mother took off on them.My son was only 14 at that time.It has been over 2 years since they have had any contac with her.She wants to go to their graduations next spring,but she does not understand that they are through with her for what she done.She chosed the om over her family,and kids.If they were younger I would bring them to her,but they are older,and know what they are doin.What should I do? She wants to stay with om,but wants contac with her kids as well.?

Hi MisterSteve! I think you should do nothing. Your kids can't be forced to deal with her and have made their wishes known.

How are you doing otherwise?

I agree with Mel.

Do Nothing!

If you kids want to reach out to her they can.

Don't force your kids to attempt contact. They are likely still dealing with their own abandonment issues from this.

Your children have made their wishes know. Please respect them for this.

AMEN to the above posts!!

Look this after these years have passed is still ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTS!!

What it sounds as if she really is saying is "I need to meet with the children because I feel guilty at having destroyed my family and their trust and if I can get them to meet with me I will feel better about having done so and know that they and you can legitimize my choices. This is what I need"

She could write a letter that went

"Dear BH and children, I have made a terrible and selfish decision to seek my own selfish and self deluded desires above anything else including your safety, happiness and security. I am completely to blame for abandoning my family for OM. I have since broken off the R with OM and am in church trying to change my life. I am truly appalled and sorry at the devestation that I have caused you and your father. I cannot put into words the depth of my sorrow upon really understanding the hurt and pain I have caused you. If someday you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for what I have done and allow me to show you the changed me then I will be grateful and if not I do understand. I will always love you no matter your decision. Your Mother"

I suspect she is the first scenario from your post.

don't think i can add anything that hasn't been said, but it sounds like you've been handling the situation properly the last couple years and should continue in that same manner!

These children of yours are adults. They can choose to write her and tell her to leave them alone, they can choose to not respond at all, or they can choose to meet with her.

This no longer belongs to you. This has become their relationship with her. Let them deal with it.

If your son does not want her destroying his moment at graduation, then he should write her and tell her so. If he wants you to do it, you could but she will not believe that it comes from him (ask any divorced parents <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />) They never believe it's the kids just the ex trying to get back.

Good luck and best wishes for your kids success!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FTS

Let your kids make their own decisions about their mom. They are old enough. These are your XW's consequences of her own selfish choices.

Hi
I would like to thank you all for replying to my posts.
I am doing fine,and the teens are excellent.
I agree with what your all saying that at their ages,my teens can write their own letters back ,and tell her once again in their own words that they do not want any further contac with her.
I am not getting in the middle of this.If they want to send pics,school papers,or anything about themselves they can send it.Your exactly right,she wants some type of hello,or positive replies from the kids to erase the guilt she is going through. She brought all this on herself,and every 6 months ,or so she tries again to get in contac with them.
I don't think breaking up with the om will change my kids minds about seeing her. My ex already did the damage.

One of my ex sister in laws just became a grandmother,and I believe my ex realizes when our kids become parents that she will not see her grand kids either,and that is going to really hurt her.

You are right that alone is not a fix. She needs a "life change" in order to be in a position to have your children want to see her again.

Perhaps you might send her a response, telling her this pretty bluntly.

Tell her that you're leaving it up to the kids to decide if they want to contact her or not. As older teens, they're able to make their own decision in this. And tell her honestly that THIS is the reason why you think that they don't want anything to do with her. Given her abandonment of them, and her horrible behavior, its a normal response. Tell her that perhaps if she changes how she LIVES...if she becomes the kind of person that they want in their lives...they might at some point consider it. But let her know that this is just your thoughts...you don't know for sure what it would take for them to change their minds about her.