Hi, I am sad to be posting but happy to have found you all. I found out 5 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with his best friends wife (whom happens to be my very good friend and mother to my son's best friend as well!). I found out on Father's Day from a text message from her that he forgot to delete when he got home at almost 4am from a guy's night out (with her husband of all people). I confronted him by asking and he had this look in his eye that spoke volumes. He assured me that it was all verbal and not physical at all and that it was just this stupid fling. I convinced him he needed to leave the house so i could care for our sick three year old son without getting hysterical and angry. I then for the first time in our marriage checked his work email and saw only a past weeks worth of emails. But needless to say, he was still lying. It was very physical and raunchy and makes a porno seem G-rated. I was appalled and so hurt and disgusted. I confronted him over phone and emailed the emails to her husband who is also my close friend.

Since then, my husband at first did not want to be in the marriage any longer (for three days) and then did a 180 and was totally committed to being in the marriage. He says he cut off all ties with her two days after I found out b/c he was disguested by what they had done and b/c he wanted his friends marriage to make it. He has assured me over and over that he will and has never seen or talked to her again. I am afraid to believe this. But I am more afraid of not knowing. I have access to his work email (but he could delete them if he wants), and I pay the cell phone bill and can see if they talk but can not see the number he is texting to. I also have been calling him at work to check in. I hate this snooping but I am so afraid. Nothing feels safe - not my home (he brought her into my room), not work (he lied about work meetings to be with her), not even when he is home alone with our son (he brought her to my home when our son was sleeping). I hate this feeling. I am afraid of so much right now.

Any advice or suggestions for how to ensure separation from lover would be appreciated. I do not trust her to stay away at all since she thought she was in love with him - yuck!!!

Sincerely,
Feelinsad

Hugs to you!! I know how your feeling. The "feeling sad" does not go away. It's been over a year since I found out about my husbands affair, but then it started up again twice! It only ended for good after counseling with Steve Harley and implementing the No Contact Policy to the tee. It's all described in detail in the Book Surviving an Affair. That book was the only thing that got me through the first few months. I read it cover to cover. It really helped. my husband was on the fence for a while. Back and forth with the other woman. Hang in there. E-mail me if you want to chat more.
[email]Daisyeln@aol[/email]

Daisy

Dear Feeling Sad

I havent posted in a long time but still read the forums from time to time. I would previously post under JustKim. In any event, I saw your post and felt compelled to respond.

Everything you posted really resonated with me as your situation is very similar to what mine was. I understand completely how you are feeling.

My H had an affair from Jan 06 to April 06 with my best friend. I discovered the A and it ended the next day. My H also brought the OW into our home. I understand the pain and feeling of no safety that that causes.

Let me say this - everything you are feeling is completely normal under the circumstances. Of course you dont feel safe. How could you? Your H violated your marriage, your trust and your home, to name but a few. You couldnt feel any other way.

I vividly remember what it was like for me only 5 weeks past D-Day. I was hyper vigilant, needed to know where my H was constantly, obsessed with the A and even went so far as to inspect all of his dirty clothes, looking for some kind of "sign" that the A was still going on! ( ugh, a low moment for me - I very much remember thinking "Is this what I've come to?")

I trusted nothing that came out of his mouth and many days, felt as if I couldnt even trust myself. I felt like I was going crazy. I was on the worst kind of emotional roller coaster, committed and deeply in love one moment, hating him and ready to throw in the towel the next. I would have these shifts in emotion many many times a day. I questioned everything. The foundation of my life, what I believed in was gone. I was totally adrift, just trying to survive.

What I am trying to say is, all of what you feel is completely normal. You should NOT feel bad for "snooping". Let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel. You have been through the absolute WORST kind of trauma a person can go through. My H and I counsel with Steve Harley ( who I HIGHLY recommend) and he says that infidelity in a M is a worse trauma than loosing a loved one, or rape. Im inclined to believe this. I know I personally have never felt such pain. It has shaken me to my very core.

Here is the positive side.

We are 1 year and 3 months post D-day. My marraige has never been better. It has been a long hard road but one that CAN be traveled.

Let me stress this. The ONLY reason why we are where we are is because we have worked super hard. My H has worked his A$$ off. He has been accountable, and answered all my questions - whenever and whereever I asked them. He has been trasnparent, and given me access to everything. He has shown genuine remorse, and has apologized 100's of times for what he put me through. He meets all of my emotional needs. All of this has happened fairly recently. For the first year of recovery, we would flounder. Some days good, some bad. I read every book I could get my hands on and led the recovery. If I asked him to do something he would. And you know what? I didnt feel better. I felt like - "HEY - this SUCKS that I have to ASK you. You should do whatever it takes ON YOUR OWN to make us whole again. I shouldnt have to do the heavy lifting to get us there". So, we were kind of in limbo. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back.

All of that changed when we started counseling with Steve Harley. He gave us a "recovery plan" to follow. We've followed it. My H now does al the things that I need him to do for me to heal on his own. He has become a "buyer" in this relationship - just as invested in making it work as I am. I no longer lead the recovery process. He does. And it has transformed us.

The pain is still there. I still struggle from time to time. I still battle triggers and it is still the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. The difference now, though - it that I dont go through it alone.
My H is right there with me every step of the way. For the first year, though - that was not the case.


I urge you to contact Steve Harley. Take out a personal loan if you have to to pay for the sessions. I wish we had done this a year ago. It would have saved us a year of trying to heal but not really knowing how.

Read as much as you can here. Read other books - such as " After the affair" and "How can I forgive you" by Janis A Spring. Another excellent book for me was "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. absolutely essential reading is "Surviving an Affair" - by Dr Harley. Educate yourself. Arm yourself for the fight of your life. And then go transform your marraige into what YOU want it to be.

Keep posting. I would suggest moving your thread to GQ as that forum gets way more traffic and there are alot of very wise folks there who will help you.

dont give up. You can do this.

Feelinsad...I will prop you up, if you can do the same for me.:)

If and WHEN I can get (o.k., I can't MAKE my WS come clean about the A, but I can do the "heavy lifting", to help myself in all this)

I will really feel like I can make progress with my plan A.

I can't DO plan A, if I can't get there.

Another poster on this site made metion about how it felt to be reduced to "snooping" to bring the A into the light of day.

Last night, I had to sneak outside, while he was in the shower, and hide the DAR in his truck. My heart was POUNDING the whole time.

I thought I would faint. How sad, for US; for ME to get to a point in my marriage where I felt it UTTERLY NECESSARY to spy on my husband, whom I love more than life itself. (prophetic, huh? I should actually love LIFE and LIVING more than I do him).

I am scared. Scared of what I will hear. We are taking his father and his wife, plus my daughter and grandson out to dinner tonight.

I will sneak outside, while he is showering, get the recorder...

And I will have to wait until tomorrow, while I am here at work to listen to it. It will be a long night for me.

What does your husbands best friend have to say about all of this nonsense? Maybe you should call him and you two can have a night out on the town.