Hi, I am sad to be posting but happy to have found you all. I found out 5 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with his best friends wife (whom happens to be my very good friend and mother to my son's best friend as well!). I found out on Father's Day from a text message from her that he forgot to delete when he got home at almost 4am from a guy's night out (with her husband of all people). I confronted him by asking and he had this look in his eye that spoke volumes. He assured me that it was all verbal and not physical at all and that it was just this stupid fling. I convinced him he needed to leave the house so i could care for our sick three year old son without getting hysterical and angry. I then for the first time in our marriage checked his work email and saw only a past weeks worth of emails. But needless to say, he was still lying. It was very physical and raunchy and makes a porno seem G-rated. I was appalled and so hurt and disgusted. I confronted him over phone and emailed the emails to her husband who is also my close friend.

Since then, my husband at first did not want to be in the marriage any longer (for three days) and then did a 180 and was totally committed to being in the marriage. He says he cut off all ties with her two days after I found out b/c he was disguested by what they had done and b/c he wanted his friends marriage to make it. He has assured me over and over that he will and has never seen or talked to her again. I am afraid to believe this. But I am more afraid of not knowing. I have access to his work email (but he could delete them if he wants), and I pay the cell phone bill and can see if they talk but can not see the number he is texting to. I also have been calling him at work to check in. I hate this snooping but I am so afraid. Nothing feels safe - not my home (he brought her into my room), not work (he lied about work meetings to be with her), not even when he is home alone with our son (he brought her to my home when our son was sleeping). I hate this feeling. I am afraid of so much right now.

Any advice or suggestions for how to ensure that there has been separation from lover would be appreciated. I do not trust her to stay away at all since she thought she was in love with him - yuck!!!

Sincerely,
Feelinsad

feelinsad,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but welcome.

You are just at the starting line of this whole mess, so hold on to your hat. It's going to be a long ride.

DON'T feel bad about snooping. You have every right. And don't believe anything he's telling you right now. A wayward lies through their teeth.

Have you read about the no contact letter? Do you think he would be willing to send her one?

Who knows about the A? I take it the OW's H knows since you sent him the emails. What is his reaction?

Your husband will likely go through a couple of 180's before this is said and done.

Right now, I would suggest that you read, read, read the articles here on MB.

Sit tight. There are many people here much more expert than I am that will come along and help you very soon.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your son. And if you can, don't let this demolish you. You're gonna be okay, no matter what.

RLT

feelinsad, I am sorry you are here. The solution to this will be no contact for life as RLT indicated. The way to achieve that is to ask him to send her a no contact letter and to agree to never ever be in contact with her again. To ensure this happens, you will have to spy your [censored] off until he gains your trust. I would suggest that you stay in touch with the OWH so he can watch from his end you can compare notes.

He should send her a letter that is approved by you and MAILED by you as a good will gesture to you. [sample below]

He will also need to account to you for all of his time during the day. You need to know where he is and what he is doing at all times. He should be willing to give you passwords to all of his voicemails, email accounts, etc. If you can do it, I would put spyware on any computer he might communication with her from. [without his knowledge]

A very good book would be Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can order it cheap from this website. I will post a link to an article about what it will take to recover along with the NC letter.

Has he moved back in? Your chances of saving your marriage are much better if he is at home.

Sample no contact letter:

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Feelin,

My heart goes out to you!!

The A between best friends spouses is a double heartache whammy for all concerned. The spouses are betrayed, the best friends are devastated and the "couple relationship" is no longer. So many large gaping wounds to contend with.

How is the OW and her H doing? We have seen these tragic scenarios before in the halls of MB where BW stays in contact with the OW'sBH so there is more help in monitoring the betrayers.

""suggestions for how to ensure that there has been separation from lover would be appreciated.""

So this is one of the ways to ensure that there has been no contact. Just be careful comiserating with the OW'sBH on this. You do not want it to lead to an EA or worse.

Anti depresnts help with the emotional rollercoaster which you are experiencing. If it all is so overwhelming that it affects your day to day, you may want to ask your MD about them.

Take care of yourself,

kirk

a must read about the importance of no contact for life. DO NOT SKIP this step, lest you will be dealing with this affair for years because your H will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Feeligsad,

Sorry you are here, but you are in good hands. The first thing that I recommend is getting a copy of Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. They really helped me.

You did the right thing by exposing to her H. Have you spoken with him? What is his reaction?

p.s. also search his car for a secret cell phone. This is a common tactic of affairees after the affair has been exposed and they know they are being watched.

Sorry you have to do this, but it is what we sign on for when we decide to stay.

Thanks for all the suggestions.

No, he did not send the letter. I asked but he said he had already told her on the phone that they can never talk or see each other again. I think this is true since I saw an email from her asking him to change his mind basically. He has since blocked her email from coming into him at work supposedly, changed his cell and home phone number. he can not change his work email or phone for he will lose clients apparently.

I check his work email and cell bill but he did not have a lot of free time to have the affair in the first place and he did. I guess you make time for the things you 'want'.

As for communicating with the OW BH. There has been none except one email back and forth the day after D-day. He asked for there to be no communication since he is working on his marriage apparently. So I think sadly he is out for accountability.

We are in couseling and he meets with our pastor. Should I maybe email our pastor and ask him to check this out as well? My husband could always lie to him too but I think it might be harder to do.


I just want to ensure I am not being an idiot taking him back while he is still with her?????

Thanks for all the suggestions.

No, he did not send the letter. I asked but he said he had already told her on the phone that they can never talk or see each other again. I think this is true since I saw an email from her asking him to change his mind basically. He has since blocked her email from coming into him at work supposedly, changed his cell and home phone number. he can not change his work email or phone for he will lose clients apparently.

I check his work email and cell bill but he did not have a lot of free time to have the affair in the first place and he did. I guess you make time for the things you 'want'.

As for communicating with the OW BH. There has been none except one email back and forth the day after D-day. He asked for there to be no communication since he is working on his marriage apparently. So I think sadly he is out for accountability.

We are in couseling and he meets with our pastor. Should I maybe email our pastor and ask him to check this out as well? My husband could always lie to him too but I think it might be harder to do.


I just want to ensure I am not being an idiot taking him back while he is still with her?????

Does your pastor know about the affair? If he doesn't, I would make sure that he does.

You can't have any guarantees that the affair is over. But it will be much easier to watch him and much easier for him to avoid temptation IF HE IS HOME. The risk of resumption is greatly increased if he is not home.

When he does come home, it will be important to treat him well and avoid lovebusters. This is a tough time for marital recovery, and you can't be punishing him, fs, or this will cause damage to your marriage.

After you get him home, he will go through withdrawal, as would an alcholic who has been seperated from booze. This won't be an easy time for you, fs. But we can help you through it.

Please get your hands on that book we recommended so you can understand the dynamics of this affair and what has led to it.

fs, like I said, waywars are terrific liars, even to pastors.

Do what Ronnie Reagan said: Trust, but verify. If your husband means business on saving this marriage, he needs to be an open book.

Be very vigilant in the beginning. He's going to have moments where he feels hopeless, and will want to contact the OW. But if he stays away long enough, his "feelings"for her will wane. And he will slowly begin to see it for what it was, just a sick fantasy.

I don't understand. How would ending communication with you prevent him from working on his marriage? It is just the opposite, actually. Recovery will only come if contact ends between the affairees and staying in touch with the OWH helps ensure no contact becuase you can compare notes, etc.

A lack of communication between you and the OWH actually increases the odds of you both not finding out about a resumption of the affair.

I agree with Melody. Your husband and his OW most likely DO NOT want you and OW'H in contact. That way they can keep things going if they want.

Try explaining this to OW's H in an email.