I asked the question....Are you having an affair? on 5/27. I guess I had a gut feeling, but I never thought in a million years the answer would be "YES". We were about to celebrate our 25th anniversary...our children F21 + F18 and my parents and friends were planning a small party. We had to tell them all. Sometimes I think this was a mistake...we are making such good progress that I think it would be better if fewer people knew. But after reading this site, I understand the importance of exposing the A to the light of day.

We are seeing a MC, and we are reading the book together in bits and pieces, but I can't help feeling that I am doing all the hard work. He has never been much of a communicator, but I think he needs to pull out all the stops to get this thing moving in the right direction. I also worry that I am being too judgemental. Maybe it is too early for much growth. I just know that I want my life back...not the one I had before but a better one. I am doing everything I can think of to show him everyday how much I appreciate him and love him and want to create a happy future with him. But sometimes I feel like he's just sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labors...without much of his own. I am trying to tell him what my EN are, but I'm not sure he is doing all he can. Then again, will I ever feel that he is doing enough? That's one of my siggest worries.

I have always thought of myself as a strong independent woman, but this thing has rocked me to the very core of my existence. I have so many emotions - from pride in the hard work I am doing, to love, to hate and even suicide at one point. I have so much to look forward to but none of it feels right without the man I love...or thought I loved.

I could use a map...where I am going? Where are we going?

It is nearly impossible for the wayward spouse to meet the needs of the betrayed spouse while the wayward is going through withdrawal...keep this in mind when you feel like he's not meeting your needs. This may be a "good" thing...meaning, perhaps there truly is no contact and the withdrawal is moving along as it should. Once the withdrawal stage is over, it's much easier for the WS to want to meed the needs of the BS.

Read about plan A... You, as the BS, will pull more of the weight in the beginning of recovery, while the WS goes through withdrawal and no contact from the OP. You provide a loving home and "show" him what life with you can be like by meeting as many of his needs as possible.

I know it seems totally backwards (it seems like the WS should be kissing the BS butt and begging to stay) but this is how it works in the real world.

Have you bought and read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Love Busters? Surviving an Affair is a real eye opener and really explains the process of putting it back together after an affair.

My H had an affair from Jan 06 to April 06

We are 1 year and 3 months post D-day. We are doing very well at the moment.

Let me stress this. The ONLY reason why we are where we are is because WE have worked super hard. My H has worked his A$$ off. He has been accountable, and answered all my questions - whenever and whereever I asked them. He has been trasnparent, and given me access to everything. He has shown genuine remorse, and has apologized 100's of times for what he put me through. He meets all of my emotional needs. He "gets" the pain he has put me through. He knows that for him, things are wonderful. He has the spouse he has always wanted. And I had pain. Lots of it.

For the first year of recovery, we would flounder. Some days good, some bad. I read every book I could get my hands on and led the recovery. If I asked him to do something he would. And you know what? I didnt feel better. I felt like - "HEY - this SUCKS that I have to ASK you. You should do whatever it takes ON YOUR OWN to make us whole again. I shouldnt have to do the heavy lifting to get us there". So, we were kind of in limbo. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back. I was grossly underbenefited - he was over benefited and I was very very close to giving up.

All of that changed when we started counseling with Steve Harley about 2 1/2 months ago . He gave us a "recovery plan" to follow. We've followed it. My H now does all the things that I need him to do for me to heal on his own. He has become a "buyer" in this relationship - just as invested in making it work as I am. I no longer lead the recovery process. He does. And it has transformed us. We have made more progress in 2 1/2 months than we did in a year on our own. Like you, I struggled. I was on the worst kind of emotional rollercoaster. I thought I would go crazy.

The pain is still there. I still struggle from time to time. I still battle triggers and it is still the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. The difference now, though - it that I dont go through it alone.
My H is right there with me every step of the way. For the first year, though - that was not the case.


I urge you to contact Steve Harley. Take out a personal loan if you have to to pay for the sessions. I wish we had done this a year ago. It would have saved us a year of trying to heal but not really knowing how.

Read as much as you can here. Read other books - such as " After the affair" and "How can I forgive you" by Janis A Spring. Another excellent book for me was "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. absolutely essential reading is "Surviving an Affair" - by Dr Harley. Educate yourself. Arm yourself for the fight of your life. And then go transform your marraige into what YOU want it to be.

Keep posting. I would suggest moving your thread to GQ as that forum gets way more traffic and there are alot of very wise folks there who will help you.

Stay strong and god bless

thanks cathys01
I am reading the book Surviving an Affair. I guess I need to be more patient with the whole process. I need to focus on the good things in my marriage. And i need to continue to grow as a person so that my daughters can see how to deal with difficult situations in a mature and respectful manner.

Do you know who the other woman is? Are you certain that he is not contacting her? Is OW also married? Does her spouose know of the affair?

The other woman is someone he met at work. When I found out I called her on my husband's cell phone and naturally she answered. I informed her that I knew about the affair. When I ask him if he has seen her or has been in contact with her, he says no. She is a widow.

Hmmmm

Does your H still work in the same place of employment with her? If so, that has to change. He needs to find a new job. He CANNOT work with her.

Did he sent a no contact letter? How do you know?

Who else knows in the workplace? Does anyone from the OW's family know?

It doesnt sound like your H has done much to put up appropriate boundaries. What has he done to try to help YOU?

She came to his place of employment as a vendor...only once or twice a week. He has not been at that site for several days/weeks. He has a new job within the place of employment which would not allow for any visitations with her.
From what he has told me, he became a part of her "family" in the four months they were seeing each other. He helped her with several car issues and just generally tried to be helpful to her. Since she is widowed, she was showing him around to all her family members (sisters and even her children) and they were happy to have him in the fold. There really didn't seem to be much negativity surrounding the OW with a married man. She did say that she would understand if he had to "break" with her becuase of me. But she also said she would kill him if he was to be with anyone else (he claims she said this in jest, but I worry aobut the seriousnessof such a comment). He has not sent her a no contact letter to my knowledge.

I would ask him to send her a no contact letter. He should write it, and you approve and send it. It should say that the affair was a HUGE mistake, that he loves you and wants to work on his marriage, and that he wants no contact with her for any reason FOREVER.

yonnadoung,

How could I not respond to a lady who has chosen this name? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She was one of my favorite TV actoresses.

Don't have much to offer at the moment. Believer is giving you great advice.

God Bless,

JL