Anyone in recovery, early, late, recovered, etc.

What sort of help have you gotten, did you use, etc, during recovery?

Who used MB counselors, and how did that work for you?

Who used MC, and how did that go, how long to find a good counselor, any horror stories, and good stories, how long did you go, how much did it cost, and so on?

Who used no counseling, or very little, but followed MB principles? How did you get the FWS involved in the counseling? Did the WS GET involved in the counseling?

I am looking to get stories and opinions from you guys in order to help my recovery and in the hopes that some of your situations will help others.

Thanks, in advance, for helping out!

SL,

I got MB as you know.
I had an MC before the A.

Went to the same MC after the A. Left him.
Went to another MC who decided to see just my wife after talking to us.
Went to a third MC who helped us.
Then I went to IC for myself.
Then we took our son to IC who decided we needed MC.

I think the most expesnive was the last one but my insurance covered most of them except for co pays.

All of this helped me realize my short comings and try to work to be a better person.

I really truly beleive I am.

As far as helping my M and recovery. We are stalled. I dont' think it is going to move past where we are now.

Because no matter who you get as an MC or what they say both people have to be able to see their own stuff and change it.

If both don't change it will stay the same.

The counceling did help me a lot in that it at least validated what I was trying to say to my wife.

She just didn't implement much of what she heard.

So to me as I have seen or read about succesful recoveries it is when both parties especially the FWS think, say and implement - Whatever it takes for as long as it takes - to make this M the best it can be.

Whatever it takes to get both the BS and the FWS to that point is what will make it work IMVHO.

I went to IC immediately after D-Day. I wanted to tilt the scale in favor of keeping the M together so I selected a Christian counselor. After seeing her individually for about a month – at 1X per week, FWH joined us and we started MC.

As MC told us, things could get worse before they started to get better. And they did. Each of us had issues we needed to work on. I interpreted some of FWH’s behaviors in the early going as foot-dragging. He was still pretty foggy and was very defensive at first, perceiving MC as the “Let’s Dump on the Wayward”. Later on he realized our MC was even-handed and that we both had contributed to problems in our marriage. Then he relaxed and participated with a more open heart.

The most crucial element of recovery IMHO is a genuine desire by BOTH parties to stop dragging around their grudges and bringing up history and instead focusing on the future. Making the NEW M better. Learning new skills, techniques, and strategies for making the relationship truly fulfilling for both.

We most likely would not have made it without MC.

Edited to add - we went weekly at first, then twice a month, then monthly. Went for a total of 10 months. Paid it all out of pocket - not covered by insurance. Was the best investment I ever made.

I insisted that both of us go into both IC and MC immediately following my wife not flying away to live with OM.

She hadn't 'agreed' to recover...but she knew that I insisted on it if she was going to remain in our house. She was only hostile the first few sessions...after that, we actually started communicating.

Our first MC didn't work out too well. While she was completely on my side and this felt great in justifying what I was doing and everything, it didn't create an atmosphere that my wife could be open and honest in. Her IC wasn't much help either...since her IC and our MC were peers in the same facility, they were talking and basically made my wife feel that she didn't have any safe outlet there either. The one good thing we walked out of that MC with was my wife hearing that she had to make her choice TO rebuild the marriage before it could start. She wanted to 'wait and see how things go'. That MC did convince her that things wouldn't get better until she CHOSE to make them better. Waiting would do nothing.

My IC was awesome. I told him point blank that I was going to him simply to verify that I was doing the right things, and to get his advice on marital recovery. He was great. So great in fact, that I finally worked the solution that he became our MC, and we both drop IC.

This worked wonders for us. He made her feel safe to be honest, but didn't let her get away with anything stupid. Same thing for me, as far as that goes. He wasn't an MB counselor, but was DEFINITELY pro-marriage, and was very open to using MB principles in guiding us in rebuilding our marriage. He came here at my behest and read up and began applying those concepts. This was all well before I started posting in the forum.

I didn't start posting in forums until we were truly in recovery...and then it was mostly for my OWN recovery that I came here.

My H and I have been in recovery for 16 months now - D day was April of 06.

From April of 06 until April of 07 - I posted on this site as "Just Kim" and like many folks here - was struggling through recovery - going to MC, reading every book I could find, posting and reading here. I had good days and bad but I couldnt quite seem to get to a solid place. I was very quickly coming to a place were I felt like I wanted to just start over. Nothing was really working.

From May until present - my H and I counsel once per week with Steve Harley. This has been the turning point for us. We now have a recovery plan and follow that religiously, my H finally "gets" the feelings of devastation that I deal with on a daily basis and has been working very hard to do the things I need in order to heal. I can tell you - it is working. I no longer feel the need to bring up my pain - because my H brings it up daily. He will say things like " I was thinking today about when X happened and how scared you must have felt." He then goes on and ends with a specific apology for that specific incident.

In 2 1/2 months, my H has been transformed into a "buyer" in the R with both of us sharing the weight in transforming us- from what he was previously which was a "renter" - with me doing all the heavy lifting in recovery.

I credit fully the counseling sessions w SH. I dont thik we would have really healed properly and been able to rebuild without it.

Good stuff so far!

Thank you Frog, eaglesoar, Owl and JustKim1

Let's keep this ball rolling.

This information could help so many people, just hearing all of the options, even ones that I did not mention.

To FrogNoMore's point above - I agree completely.

Prior to the sessions w SH - my H didnt really see that he was a "renter" - He wasnt FULLY invested. He didnt do EVERYTHING it took to make us work. SH gave as one of the assignments for my H the task of reading "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders".

My H now has a total "buyer" mentality. He didnt before, all this past year of recovery. He was commited and he tried but he just didnt understand what it took or what it meant to REALLY be a buyer. He does now. And we have moved further along in 2 1/2 months than we did in an entire year.

My H REFUSED to do anymore sessions with Steve.

Probably would have been easier if we had BUT...

he was determined to do it on his own in his own time and I let him be...

here we are 4 years later...HAPPIER THAN EVER...

Again, more good stuff. All of these perspectives are important. ALL of them. Not all will be receptive to counseling. In my case, I am, but in PWC's case, he doesn't like it, has tried IC on two occassions and just doesn't like it. I don't blame him, many can be formulaic. If you are the type of person who needs to feel a connection with someone to open up, counseling may be a very difficult task.

This is what PWC says about himself.

SL,

You are going to get a variety because recovery comes in a variety of forms.

You also need to realize you can't fit your sitch into a mold no matter how good it looks.

So what can you do?

If you can call Steve, do so.
If you can go to an MC familar w/MB principals, do so.

If you can get the Xws to take the EN questionnaire, do so.
If he will read SAA and HNHN, let him.

In the meantime, you keep moving forward. He needs to follow a good example. Remember he just came out of the fog and the light (reality) m/b too bright.

Pray for a clear mind and calm heart. His healing with test your endurance.

So let him help you get closure and you give him the space to heal. Find words that allow open dialogue.

For me it started out by asking....'can I ask a question?' Depending on his response, my question (big and little) either came out or I kept silent. I sucked it up some but not much. Remember I am not very A tolerant and withdrawals make me angry.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I counted on his curiousity to want to hear my 'question'. I intermixed the question with major and minor stuff so he couldn't go hide.

Just take what you know works and start applying. There is no guarantee he will do anything. You try and let it be.

Patience is a requirement in these times. Your patience w/b tested to many limits and you may find yourself getting frustrated. Read my grieving link.

When you start to relax, the anger may flare up. You will begin to realize how much of your life and that of your family the A stole from all of you and if you don't keep control of that anger, things can go backwards.

It is also a good idea to ID your personal and M boundaries. He needs t/d the same but may do it differently and at a different rate.

Plan your recovery. Implement wisely.

take care,
L.

Orchid, thanks for popping in.

Yes, I expect a variety. Part of it is my curiosity to see how many different ways there are to skin a cat (or work toward recovery, if you will)

Mimi has said what you have and much more, and I am definitely turning a corner.

My PLAN is to use MB principles, and continue to work on me. I had already begun working on my personal boundaries and now begin the work of marital boundaries, as I/we never had any before.

I like what I'm learning about myself. I have so much more patience than I thought possible. It may be that I'm coming here so much right now, that I am quickly set back on track, when the anger comes out to play.

I really just got to the point of curiosity about counseling. I may just be curious about WHO is in recovery, and since counseling was on my mind, that's how I posed the question.

In terms of controlling the outcome, I'm not, I'm just controlling what I do, and hope that PWC finds safety and peace and follows suit, until he catches up, then he can take the lead if he likes.

Silent:

I've avoided this thread, as I do not understand what a PEOP is?

PEEP = Mimi's term.
PROS = People around here who have survived and recovered?
PEOP = Short for people?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LG

or...

peeps=those little yellow sugar coated marshmallow chicks, mmmmmmm

Silent:

Ok, I'll be a PEOP, if it will help!

LG

This is what's working for us too. Been slow but so worth the wait.

SL,

I was not able to use counselors as I live in a very small rural area and am professionally connected to every single last one of them!

I hated that. I did not want to place myself or them in the position of having professional and personal business intermixing in our lives. I would just be far too uncomfortable.

So I searched the yellow pages of the communities nearby, one of which is a city of about 150,000. Again, I knew nearly ALL of the marital counselors in my professional capacity. SHEESH - I didn't realize how much business I have done in this area!

Thus, I was relegated to doing this on my own. I had at one point begun to try for the Harley connection, but what ultimately happened was that my H decided that very week that he would get on board with the program and try the MB principles, as well as do some reading of other books with me.

We found lots of books that didn't mesh with our styles. We found a few that did.

Altogether, I think we spent as much money on books as we would have on counseling.

But we found that a blend of some things worked for us, and we have muddled through. I would say we are as close to recovered as we could expect at this point beyond d-day, which was in November 2005.

We had a hard day the day before yesterday, because I sometimes hit speedbumps. We work through them much easier now.

That's my answer to your question.

Schoolbus

Wow, schoolbus, that's rough.

Thank you for sharing your strategy for recovery. I've been doing a lot of reading myself, have most of the Harley books, and have checked on some from the e-library. When I see a book that I think will help, I check it out. Slow and steady she goes.

PWC loathes reading, unless it's a magazine, preferably about cars. I figure we have to find our own way, but I find it reassuring that their are many stories with many routes, and my situation is not all that unusual.

We tried to go to MC at the very beginning (within a couple of weeks). Big mistake. DH was still WAY too foggy to comprehend. (I didn't know it was fog back then I just thought he really didn't care and wasn't serious about recovery.) He wasn't up to the tasks assigned by the MC. I was crushed. So we quit going. We tried reading "Marriage on the Rock" together but again, it was too soon.

Our first grandchild was born a couple of months after we got back together and they moved in with us for about 3-4 months. THEN, we went to Montana and rescued our nephew (then 12 yrs old) from a foster home. He's been living with us every since as we now have legal custody. We were trying to recover in the middle of all that (home studies, hearings, back and forth phone conferences with CPS up in Montana, etc).

We SLOWLY made our way back to recovery with me "going off" often. The triggers were horrible! (I didn't have a name for them back then.) Finding out the details of the A(s) was a slow, slow process as my DH didn't really want to talk about it because I was in such pain. I had no one to talk to about my feelings except him. I didn't have MB as a resource. As I've said many times before, if I had...

Hi princessmeggy,

I did read your story back when you posted the saga. I am pretty well covered with MB MYSELF, and feel good about where I am, and feel good knowing when I have questions, people will be there to help, or swat me if necessary.

Hey, you made it how you made it, but you made it, right. Does that make any sense? It's Friday, definitley Friday...