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had p.i. follow h while he was. out of town last night and got them on tape holding hands. p.i. is overnighting me dvd but until then...when it arrives i can surprise h with "come see what's on the computer", don't know what to do ...sort of told him last night i had funny feeling somethin was not right and this morning just said i was being paranoid ...no point in getting in a pi**ing match with deny deny deny...make me vomit
what should be my demeanor when he gets home- cool, sweet (ugh)asleep so i don't hav to deal at all WHAT !!!
Dvd will be here tomorrow by 3pm thinking he'll want to talk about it tonight
my history...he had A 5 yrs. ago ,moved out for 6 mo. nd begged to come back. thought we had survived the affair
P.S. I DO know it's not about me -thank GOD i learned that first time around
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Hi khb5, not to give you advice because i'm no expert, but if it was me, i would be as calm and normal as possible. i know its hard, i did something similar with a voice recorder. i couldnt sleep knowing what i heard and planning how to confront and anticipate all of the lies/denial. my h is good with words on the cuff so to speak, then he gets mad.. all the usual reactions.
stay calm/cool then show him. i saw a movie once where the bs had the video playing on the tv when the wh came home, the bs stayed out of the room til he bs realized what he was watching and ran ,fumbling to get it to stop. she didnt
yell , stayed calm.
good luck-
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thanks for encouraging words. I will take your advice and just be "fine "tonight...u r so right. by the time he gets home from work tomorrow i'll have it. problem is- one of my best friends from N.C. is coming to spend sat. night so not sure we can be o.k. for that AND not ready to discuss with anyone ti i have time to digest .what's the saying "timing is everything"?
why do i feel like i have to see the tape to make it real ?
asked p.i. if he was absolutly sure what he saw- we all just don't want these **ck-ups to be real ,do we ? any way,have a long night ahead.
BTW i'm only 125lbs. but lost 2 since yesterday- guess i'm making lemonade out of lemons LOL
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i know it will be hard to act normal, but its best to stay calm as you can, even when you confont.freaks them out really... the friend you have visiting, is it your friend or both of yours? reason i ask, i couldnt wait the weekend to confront, i can only stay "normal" for so long- unless the tape is evidence enough. anyway, if the friend is just yours then use the visit to "get out" for a while after you confront. if the friend is both of yours, you may wait, i'm just not good at faking it for too long.
as far as having to see the tape to make it real.. its because we just cant believe someone who is supposed to have our backs can betray us and come home and look in our face and lie so good.
take care of yourself-
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he had A 5 yrs. ago ,moved out for 6 mo. nd begged to come back. thought we had survived the affair Perhaps it's time to consider the "alternative" to attempting yet another recovery with someone who does not understand the commitment of marriage? "Thou shalt not..." is not a suggestion, but your husband obviously thinks it is. God bless.
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khb5,
So sorry you are dealing with this. The trauma is profound.
Yes, try to stay calm. But prepare yourself for MORE denial. I too had a tape from the PI, but H dismissed it as "ridiculous." Huh? He stormed out of the house--angry because I had "invaded his privacy!" The old "best defense is a good offense" defensive reaction. He was SO sure I'd never find out he never prepared for the possibility I would... That started the roller coaster ride from hel1, so hang on!
Stay connected to the good folks here and learn about the MB program. So much of it is counter-intuitive! We are now 13 mos past that first d-day (oh, yes, there was more than one), and while it's the hardest thing we've ever done, we are rebuilding. You just have to be patient. It's a slow process and you'll have to begin it without his cooperation. Let us help you.
Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Well , i made it through without an arguement last night .acted as normal as i could . this morning u could tell he was evaluating the situation and then called him on his way to work to see if he wants to go to the movies tonight -probably freaked him out
The friend coming tom. is my friend but bringing new husband for us to meet ... the tape should arrive by 3 today and nobody will be home til 9 so could show it to him tonight but am going to try to wait til Sunday but don't know how i'll react when i actually SEE them holding hands Waiting patiently is not 1 of my strong points !... weight update 3 lbs. LOL
Thanks for being here , i'm not ready to talk to my girlfriends about this yet ..they'll flip and don't think they will forgive him again
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If you don't want to discuss until Sunday, I wouldn't even view the tape. It might make you too angry to wait.
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Believer is right, If I saw it I would not be able to pretend with the visions in my head and get through to the next day. Having your friends around for support if you reveal early though could be helpful to you.
Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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My wife merely attempted to destroy the evidence when I was in the hospital.
She merely destroyed a copy thinking she got the original so she could continue to deny openly and call me stupid.
When I finally got better I played it for EVERYONE, then she claimed that I manipulated the audio and video to frame her.
Space ALiens, the lot of 'em.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Just looked at the tape and now i feel like i'm tripping -can hardly breathe. my son came home early so don't know how to do this with him around ..what's h gonna do and say . don't know what to do . My daugher and son would flip out if they knew (17,18) my heart is broken for them as much as for me . don't want d to think no man can be trusted and don't want my son thinking this is what guys do.
they understood forgivness ONCE but NOW
oh S**t
help
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(((((khb5)))))
Do you have a church that you attend?
Perhaps you could talk with the Pastor or Priest?
Also, feel free to "vent" all you want here. We all understand what you are feeling and going through right now.
Hugs of support and understanding, if it helps a little.
God bless.
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I don't go regularly anymore but will do a lot of praying ,especially for my kids . don;'t know how they'll get past this without any scars
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haven't cried yet but feel it coming . so sad i don't know where to go
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khb, so sorry . i know how you feel, i didnt see, but i heard what i felt was not right- i almost didnt want to believe it was his voice, and i had to replay over and over to be sure i heard what i heard.
its going to take all you got to wait -buts it probably best especially if you dont want your friends to know right now.
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Be prepared for him to deny, and say they are just friends, she had problems and he was only being nice, blah, blah, blah.
That is the way it usually goes. Hang in there.
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My daugher and son would flip out if they knew (17,18) my heart is broken for them as much as for me . don't want d to think no man can be trusted and don't want my son thinking this is what guys do. Then tell them. They would be able to keep your WH more accountable for his actions. You've raised your children to know better. Your children will learn from this how to stand up for yourself and what is the right (and wrong) way to conduct yourself. I recommend exposing to everyone who would be in a position to put pressure on him to end his affair.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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